Emily, Lived By:

There’s no rest for the weary (& none for the wicked either), or so the saying(s) go(es).  So last week I was lived by Grant & busy, very. Or he was.  I followed.

hard at work or heartily working?

I stayed with Grant at his apartment in Manhattan (I slept on the couch, you snoops) & basically shadowed him as he went about his busy life as a young entrepreneur, leaving on occasion to run some important errands.

I might as well be frank with you now, as I won’t have it in me for long.  One of the nicest things about living with (or in close proximity to) my weekly puppetmaster (remember the winery? Or Ptolemy’s house?) is that the schedule becomes much more fluid & natural.  If you recall, my livers’re allowed to remove directives & when one is actually living with Emily Lived By, it’s easier to modify things according to one’s own convenience. So, without further ado:

THE DIDN’T’s

• Go to farmers market
• Eat the second best pizza EVER at Otto’s
• Go to roommates bday party
• Shop at Bloomingdales
• Write a poem while hanging out at the park (converted from train tracks)
• Establish a regular gym regimen at my gym

~and~

THE SORT-OF DID’s

• Get brunch with mimosas at the Boat House– we got a beer at the Boat House one afternoon
• Get coffee at Pret a Manger– drank Pret a Manger coffee in living room
• Eat the best pizza EVER at Little Frankie’s– sick of pizza, went to Frankie’s where I had, for the first time, Ossobuco.
• Call Levi and Whitney for emotional support– see we tried twice but they weren’t in.

But everything else on the list, I did.  Everything on the list & more. I carried it off with aplomb, I must say.  Grant & I made quite a team.

We packed a lot into the week.  I went from personal assistant (picking up mail & 1. grocery shopping at Whole Foods with his credit card, 2. sitting in on conference calls, taking 3. cell phone calls) to personal assistant (cooking dinner, washing dishes) in about two seconds flat. Made a roast chicken that made life seem temporarily worth living.  Made a nourishing soup from the bones.  We also had a few 4. all night diner runs, a hot dog or two.

hot diggity dog.

We were like, so New York because we went to Papaya something or whatever it is called?  But whatever they’re called, I know they’re very authentic New York because they were featured in the 90s romantic comedy Fools Rush In.  Now there’s a movie to watch every time it’s on television.

Am I right?

We 5. Found a new apartment.

Selling, selling, sold.

& I 6. checked emails & went to business meetings.

eating $6 bagel = you've made it

sign, sign, sign

Went to the bank, too. A fancy one.

One can never have too many mortgages, that's what I always say

Drank expensive tequila.  7. Walked in Central Park. By the end of the week, it was as if we’d met each other more than twice, for sure.

We even, occasionally, had time for fun.

we 8. drank tea in an ING bank, for example

We spent some time in bars.

Something, something, those something nights!

But generally I was just awed at how much & how hard Grant works.  I’d silently play Bejeweled as he wandered the apartment on his bluetooth & seeding ideas™.  Words can’t really do it justice & (do you hear me, world?) I’m not going to try I’m not going to try.

New York is nice. New York is fun. Boy is there a lot of traffic in New York.

Also, as a sidenote, I’ve decided that I’ve hit bottom when it comes to my internet addiction. Now some people can have a little Facebook here, a little Skype there, & even a blog on the side now & then NO PROBLEM.  But if you’re Emily You-Know-Who, the internet is a toxic, life-destroying time-suck, & before you know it you wind up weeping covered in blood crouching in somebody’s basement.  I’d like to prevent that from happening in the future, so I’m on severe internet restrictions this week– don’t expect to hear much from me.  Twitter, Skype, & LivedBy are all explicitly banned in this week’s directives.

What are these week’s directives?

A surprise! A surprise!  A surprise!

Now, is there anything missing?

Oh yes.

A picture of me.

Obviously.

Q. How can I do the past week justice?

A. Trick question.  There is no justice in the world. I can’t.

Q. Was it a good week? Was it a busy week?

A. Yes, that always makes it harder.

& some time has passed since then, & I’ve traveled hundreds of miles, & now I’m in New York & it’s winter & since each week feels like a lifetime, it seems like a lifetime ago that I was

MONDAY:

Waking up at 7:30 to prepare for my hour-long commute to Pasadena.  & getting in the car at 9:00 (groggy) & driving some unfamiliar highways with only Marlboro Reds & radio static to keep me conscious (but barely).

I got more used to it as the week went on.

Anyway, I, first things first: I was going to Pasadena because I was working each day from 10-4 with a very nice man named Thomas Kellogg. He’s kind of the mastermind of this amazing arts organization Mentor Artists Playwrights Project (MAPP) that runs intensive playwriting workshops which connect youth in at-risk communities one-on-one with established playwrights & actors.

On the first day, I learned the necessary background about MAPP & the work they do, read through a manuscript of the mentors’ book, & helped Tom create multiple Facebook groups for the project.

Kellogg's grrreat.

Then we just kind of chatted for awhile.  & soon it was time for me to go meet Erin Matthews in Hollywood.

I'll follow the sun

Oh wow there was no traffic so I arrived early & I was met on the street by a happy blonde girl with a little poodle that was barking at me in a non-obnoxious way.  So it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be.  We went up to her apartment which kind of reminded me of a gingerbread house & she got changed & Liam (the dog) played with a stuffed Santa. Liam was, by turns, amorous & violent.  Like all real men, am I right? Or am I right.

Dog? On it.

I really liked Erin, & we talked about movies & acting, & so on & so forth & then we went out for a drink with her boyfriend, who was also an actor, & also really nice.  & then we went to one of their friends’ places & watched the absolute best documentary in the world.  American Movie.

Cheerful & bland so far?  Well, sue me.  Cheerful & bland go together like murder & suicide.

TUESDAY

It was back to Tom’s & I sat in on a meeting & just did, you know, general office-y stuff.  I don’t remember.  We had good times.  Working as a personal assistant comes pretty naturally to me, so long as the demands of the job aren’t super complex.  It’s so relaxing to sit at a desk & stuff.

I left early because I had to go meet Eric Geffner at his practice in Beverly Hills.  What should I tell you?  Man it was rainy so the traffic on the 10 was terrible, & I was terrified I would be late.  Also therapists make me nervous, do you feel me?   Do you hear what I’m saying?

But I made it & I wasn’t late.

Now that's an awfully long hallway isn't it

Anyway Dr. Eric Geffner is a specialist in gambling addiction so it didn’t take too much courage for me to cross that particular threshold.

I sat in wait.

Gambling & I have something in common, then

(heartbreaking! ha. get it.)

& then, you know, I had a seat.  I’m glad he wasn’t of the “Have a seat anywhere” school.  He was of the “Have a seat on the couch” school.

Now where exactly does it hurt?

We basically just chatted, as I wasn’t really in for a session, & got to know each other a little.  There was a mutual exchange of hopes & dreams & observations & so on & then it was time to get down to business.  He gave me a run-down of what he does in his practice & wanted me to “blog about” the following points.

• Gambling is what they call “the hidden addiction”
• 90% of Americans gamble at some point in their lives but this does not make them gambling addicts.  Because gambling is so common, this means gambling addiction is not always taken seriously or seen as a “real” addiction.
• Gambling addiction is just as serious as any other addiction & gambling addicts behave like any other addicts.  You know, losing homes, families, going to jail, gambling money they don’t have.  Etc.
• Gambling is a massive industry “more parasitic than the tobacco industry.”
• If you or someone you know is a gambling addict, there is help & much of it is free. You should call 1-800 GAMBLER or visit StopGamblingNow.Com

Ok, so, that’s a first for this blog, right?  But I’m just following doctor’s orders.

He also gave me a CD & DVD on gambling addiction but they shattered in my purse.  But I knew a little about this stuff already.  I recommended a documentary on gambling addiction he hadn’t seen & also discussed the fairly recent discovery that the Parkinson’s medication Mirapex has been proven to cause gambling addiction in some patients. Guys, I’m such a jack of all trades.

& then, well Time’s Up.  “We’ll have to continue this later,” said Eric, “or never.”  & then we shook hands.

& then I went to Borders, & called Eliza Jane Schneider & bought a book of collected Pinter plays & Eliza said she was teaching a voice acting for radio class that evening, so she said I should attend that.

I got ready to do that but she’d given me the wrong address so I was late.  I was going to be late anyway because I got lost & ended up taking Mulholland & nearly DYING.  But, since the address I had was three blocks away & on the other side of the street from the real one, I was um, really late.  I wandered by lots of places.  A large abandoned car wash.  A casting call.

But eventually I found it.

You know, there were these phonetics symbols written on a large paper easel & stuff like that.  & Eliza stood at the front of the room saying things, like about how she drove around America in an ambulance interviewing people & taping them, & how she did voices for South Park & stuff, & sings opera, meanwhile demonstrating her skill by dropping now & then into various different voices like German Lady & Keira Knightley & wow, yes, it is very impressive, she can do a lot of funny voices.  I can’t do funny voices at all.  But there is a whole world of people who spend a lot of time doing this very important & difficult job & I’m not being sarcastic.

Then they went into a Real Live Studio & the students practised their British accents & Cajun accents & got some feedback.

I wasn't allowed in because what if A FIRE?

& then afterwards I went for a drink with Eliza & the sound engineer & his friend from Minnesota.  The woman from Minnesota’s job was training people who work for corporations not to have accents.

& then I went home.

What did I do on WEDNESDAY?  Oh yes, Wednesday I worked for Tom.  I took a long lunch because he was at Tai Chi.  & I made a video of me that’s really boring.  This man I know said I should have my head examined for thinking I should put it on the internet.  Dude, I should have my head examined for numerous reasons.  For one thing, I’m as smart as Einstein & twice as beautiful.  Anyway so I talked in a funny voice & looked at a squirrel.

But I also addressed envelopes & did some very serious things.

In the evening I met up with David Rodwin who is a writer on the Jonas Bros. show.  & we had to go to a concert by Nick & the Administration?  Which is I think the youngest Jonas brother’s band.  He was wearing a suit, because he says he likes to wear suits.  He bought me a beer, a large one, which was nice, because I needed it very much & my bank was being very uncooperative so by this point in my life I only had one dollar in cash & four in change.

The concert was how you think it would be.  Lots of teenage girls screaming.  I think Nick Jonas was totally phoning it in but David Rodwin disagreed.  So then we agreed to disagree.  I predict tragedy in his future.  But also great success.

Is success a greater tragedy than failure?

& then after the concert, ears kind of ringing, David bought me some noodle soup & lent me $20.  What a nice man.  Sometimes being the world’s orphan step-child comes in handy.

THURSDAY I didn’t have to work so I, instead, worked out my personal finances & took care of some Family Things.  Just because I don’t write about my Home Life doesn’t mean I don’t have one!  & it’s a pretty wild one too, I’ll have you know.  Also there are some other project-related projects on the horizon oh ok in a nutshell I lived myself for a few hours because you can’t really live anyone unless you really live yourself.

& then I met up with (photographer/Jack-of-All-Trades) David Newsom & Bert (or Burt? his dog).  B(e/u)rt was very cute, very movie mutt looking.  We met David’s wife, (director/Jack-of-All-Trades) Sian Heder at her work where she was editing this short web piece for before the door.  I met a ton of, I don’t know, producers & actors & things? I told them about my project, & shook hands & they were all nice.

All sweetness &/or light

They showed me these pumpkins they have.

the other one has Mr. Spock on it

& some other stuff, like toothsome white smiles & some candles made out of Zachary Quinto’s hands.

Then David & Sian & I went on a night hike & poor Burt (or Bert?) stayed in the car.  We saw a coyote & an owl (some precise kind of owl) & heard a baby owl & there was a full moon. So very pleasant by night, very bright by moonlight, & not at all creepy as I thought it would be. & I liked David & Sian very much, insofar as you can tell such a thing when meeting under such odd circumstances.

We were late for a dinner party & so we went to that.  It was all independent film producers.  I explained my project, over the course of the evening, three or four times in detail & there was that mixed sort of thing where everyone’s interested, & so that’s very gratifying, & at the same time I’m so bored by it & I only want to talk about what all the other people do.  It’s funny but after awhile, you know, six months or so, of people asking you “What’s the most interesting thing that’s happened to you all year?”  the charm of it kind of goes out.

Knock knock

I was dressed in hiking clothes, which made things awkward, but by now I can run through dinner parties of strangers on autopilot. & everyone was intelligent & humorous & we had corned beef & cabbage & lots of strange names to discuss (Neptune Alexander 17? Storer Prebble the IV. & more).  The woman hosting the party had an Oscar for a documentary & a degree from SLC.  I’m afraid I don’t remember her name.  & the guy who directed The Hottie & the Nottie was there & he was nice.  Everyone was nice.  It was one of those melancholy evenings I get occasionally with this project.  You know, This isn’t my life but I wouldn’t mind if it was.

Who IS there?

It’s a funny kind of lonely feeling, being the welcomed interloper in a happy group of friends.  So I’m not sure why I’ve decided to make a career of it.

Later it turns out that TD (remember TD, anyone?) grew up with Sian.  ♪ It’s a small, small world. ♪♪

& there’s simply no escape.

& then it was FRIDAY.  I didn’t need to work till one.  But anyway I left at noon & the traffic was killer & it took me two hours (instead of 45 minutes) to get to Pasadena.  I know it’s thrilling to hear about it.  It was thrilling to live!

1/2 a mile per hour!

Oh, hold it, sarcasm is the lowest form of humor.  Anyway, I got to work at 2:00 but Tom is an awesome boss & he was ok with that.

Did some work stuff, got out of his way with a long lunch, & then drove him to Marina del Rey around 7:00 so he could be close to the airport.

& that was my Friday.

SATURDAY is even shorter.  I was supposed to be in touch with Jessica Steen about helping out with make-up on some amazing sounding photo-shoot, but then our signals were crossed so it didn’t happen.  That was ok.  I had Real Life things to deal with, so it was nice to have the extra time to, you know, deal with Real Life & sit in bed & watch television.

Stuck On You is actually a really good movie

Anyway in the evening I was to go to Jessica’s party. & go I did.  I met lots of nice people, mostly producers again.  But also lots of people where, after explaining myself, I’d go “& what do you do?” & they’d say something like “Oh, we’re mainly involved in the circus.”

O my life is a 3-ring circus right now.

There was a firepit & the crowd was welcoming & all in all it was a satisfying end to a very busy week.

The End.

& with that, I went home.  Badder but wiser?  Oh something like that.  Some clever pun! I’m grasping, but you know, grasp for the moon & land among oh something.

Speaking of grasping, I did make contact with Clay Westervelt during the week, I’ll have you know.  But we were both so busy we decided we’d just do something later.  You know, he was going to Vegas, scouting locations, & I’m already familiar with film sets… maybe he’ll live me some other time.

There were two others.  One whose juggling class I did not attend, one who did not return my call.  But all in all, I’d say it was a very successful week.

Actually, one of the busiest of all time!  The first week that, since I began blogging once weekly, made me regret that decision.

So let’s all give Montana a hand for one of the most complex & thoughtful schedules of the year.

Still, onward, ever upward.  I’m in New York.  Who knows what next.

Well, as you probably know from watching your television, it’s been raining all week in Los Angeles.  But I’m like the U.S. Postal Service, in that nothing can stay me from the swift completion of my appointed rounds.  Their motto is or was, I don’t know, something like that.  At least that’s what I once read in a Beverly Cleary book.

MONDAY was a simple day of being lived by Lauren.  Not only were all my directives for the week optional, my schedule didn’t trickle in until after noon (lax is the operative word these days) & so my directives for Monday had the added benefit of being totally easy.  Outside it was probably raining a lot.  I spent the day in my coziest clothes.

Then I went to the grocery store where I picked up three dietary staples.

never got around to eating the NY-er

Then I made a grilled cheese sandwich & a cup of cocoa.

See?

I kind of watched The Buried Life premiere on MTV, but I was kind of at the store for most of it, kind of being the sharpest crayon in the box.  Then I watched The Royal Tenenbaums streaming on Netflix.

In the middle of it, I saw an ENORMOUS COCKROACH!

just in time for dessert!

It was as big as my thumb!  I hear my thumbs are large.  I put it in my mouth to scare my girlfriend, no, just kidding.  I threw it off the balcony & kept watching my movie.

Wow, & with that another long day at the office came to an end.

TUESDAY was a nice day.  It was, as Lauren predicted, rainy. I slept in &, around noon, headed to the LACMA.  That’s the Los Angeles Contemporary Museum of Art for you Philistines.  Or maybe County instead of contemporary, I don’t know.

do i LOOK like a girl who knows things?!

I spent most of my afternoon there.  It was nice, no one to bother me or try to explain their favorite paintings.  I wandered from room to room & took it all in.  Pollack. Picasso.  Dutch realist vases of flowers.  I stopped in the restaurant & had beet salad & a glass of wine.

pinot noir, fyi

The wine was excellent, the food just ok, & the waiter (not the guy in the picture above) was a jerk, but he smiled a lot.  As I finished my last sip of wine he said “Drive safely!” in this bland, insufferable way.  Well, he can answer for that when I am king.  But I wish I hadn’t tipped him so very generously.

Anyway then I headed into another wing & spent a few more hours browsing.  But by the end the bloom was off.

Altogether, I saw a lot of interesting things.

Three in particular

interested me

very much

& with that, I made my way home for a mellow evening.

I was supposed to go to Avatar with Lauren but at the last minute she was unable.  Rather than going by myself, I took advantage of the “optional” nature of the week’s tasks & stayed in with a glass of white wine & some mindless television.

On WEDNESDAY things took a turn for the strange.  I was supposed to go to Lauren’s house at 11 for a hike, then spend time in Culver City, eat at a restaurant called Father’s Office, & spend the evening teaching Lauren to cook one of my favorite meals.

She called me in the morning & pushed back our meeting time until one.  Then, hike & Culver City plans cancelled, she & I headed out with our friend Robyn.

They stopped for kombucha

& then we went to a Mexican restaurant. God, it’s not my Father’s Office, but it will have to do.  Then we didn’t know what to do.  We were maybe going to cook dinner but first we thought it would be fun to make some paintings.  Then we heard we were going to go to something called the Fantasy Factory – apparently it’s some MTV show? I don’t know.  Then we thought it would be fun if we went to American Apparel to get matching outfits to do our painting in.  We tried on a bunch of leotards & things but when push came to shove we just didn’t have the cash.

My own famous striped leotard fell into tatters from overuse while I was in the dressing room.  Well, I was in just the right place to buy a new one!

We went to the art supply store & got a bunch of canvasses & paint.

Tell me more X 2, like did he have a car?

While we waited in line I entertained my pals with some livedby shop talk.  Evidently I was entertaining the rest of the store as well, as this guy was all “Wow!  Thanks for the story!” before he left.  I was all, “Don’t thank me, thank my fans.”

Then we made a run for it.

Once we were back at Lauren’s we warmed ourselves by the fire & then took off all our clothes.

Anything in the name of art!

But hold it.  It’s not what you’re thinking.  We just wanted to cover ourselves in paint & the lie on the canvasses & see what it looked like.

Anything for you, Art.

I ? LA

They came out pretty well, if I do say so myself.  Robyn’s was the best, I think.  I got a little carried away with mine.

After we showered we headed downtown or something to the studio where they film Fantasy Factory & hung out w. the Buried Life guys who we all went to high school with &/or are related to, & who were there to meet with Rob Dedrick.  We did lots of fun things, like jump into a giant foam pit & ride around on this weird tricycle but most of the photos are on Robyn’s camera.  So you won’t get to see any of us poised in flight or anything like that.

That's the way the cookie crumbles.

I’ll save it for my private totally locked down Facebook.

Then we went to a dinner party in Venice.  We all got lost for an hour or so but when we eventually arrived we  ate spaghetti.

& bacon cookies.

& then after some aerial yoga, home to bed.  You know how it goes.

Anyway, Lauren & I had to wake up early because THURSDAY I was supposed to work in her boutique, Public Service.  My hours were altered to 1-7.  I was nervous because I’ve never worked in retail, but it wasn’t that bad.  I labeled some bags,

Ooh, fancy

& priced some clothes & entered a lot of email addresses into a database.  It was basically all very thrilling & at one point we ordered pizza & the pizza was very good.  I also drank lots of soda.

Lauren insists I didn't get in the way

The store was nice & if I was a man I would shop there. They have some shirts that say “I (love to party in) LA” or something like that, with lovetopartyin in a heart, perhaps?  Well I really want there to be T-shirts that say “I ? LA.”  That should be the new thing.

We closed at 7:00.

Then we went back to Lauren’s & just hung out by the fire. Drank some wine.  Made some calls.  Recited some poetry.  I spent the night.

FRIDAY woke up around 7:00 in Lauren’s bed & drove back to DF’s.  Napped for awhile & then headed out in search of a particular taco stand. I think it was on Vine & Santa Monica.

Found it.

The tacos were good (but they messed up my order), the 32 ounce horchata even better, & I brought Lauren a shrimp taco & Diet Coke at her store.

Then in the night I was supposed to do something fantastic so I met Lauren & (new friend alert) Annina at O-Bar & had a glass of wine.

Annina was fine with water

& then we went to another bar with Jason & drank some beer.

drink & the devil took care of the rest

SATURDAY everything was cancelled.  In case you can’t tell, LA is a city in which aimless young girls such as myself find it best to just go with the, you know, which anyway often proves to be much more interesting than the, like, whatever.  So Lauren, though she canceled an epic number of assignments, helped provide us with a truly exemplary Los Angeles experience nonetheless.  MTV soundstages instead of cooking dinner.  Workdays starting in the early afternoon.  & so forth.

On Saturday, I didn’t go to Venice with Lauren, but I did go shopping at Annina’s store, where I bought some AMAZING pieces for my upcoming NY excursion.  Wait, NY?  Yes, NYC.  I’ve heard a girl can make it big out there.  I’m leaving soon.  Just for a little while.

Then I headed to my aunt Jennifer’s house to meet up with my mother, who was briefly in town, & wow Jen had ALL these clothes she was getting rid of & so before dinner I sorted through as many as possible as quickly as I could.  & left with a whole SUITCASE of wonderful clothes!  Perfect, because I came down here in a hurry & didn’t really pack anything warm enough for an East Coast winter.  Plus, thieves have stolen my winter coat.

But I now have plenty of sweaters & t-shirts & wow will I be warm & stylish.

Then I went to dinner with my mother & her friend.  & we ate a lot of steak.

& then I went for a drink at the Culver City hotel with Kevin.

& I don’t have ANY pictures. Of any of it.

Spent most of my DAY OFF gearing week for the intimidating Week 29 that looms ahead!  The schedule will be up later tonight & you can feel free to pass out in shock then.  Until then, stay conscious, & god willing I will see you next Sunday (or Monday or… you know).

Well, frenemies. It’s me again, the poor man’s Liza Minelli.  What have I been up to?  Why didn’t I write the blog, as promised, on Sunday?  Why haven’t I updated the “Setting” or “Participants” pages?  Important questions, but the answers are between myself & the demon horde holding me captive.   If you want a personalized response to any of the above queries, I hear their king is bribe-able, but he takes awhile to respond to letters.  Send cash for an answer, & in the worst case scenario he’ll send you an autographed picture.

Anyway, this week my schedule was simple enough (which is a good thing, since it’s hard, as they say, to dance with the [demon horde] on your back).  I was being lived by my aunt, Jennifer Tilly (poker champion & actress extraordinaire), & all my directives were fairly straightforward (daily multi-vitamins & journalling, plenty of water, etc.)  I “handled it with aplomb,” or at least that’s what your [mother] told me last night.  Zing.

I also had to wear a rubber band around my wrist & snap it every time I had a negative thought. I kind of like that idea, very Pavlovian, & I thought it would color the week significantly.  But very quickly I realized that I don’t really have any negative thoughts.  I, like a lot of smart people, am not a pessimist but a realist.  So thoughts like “The apocalypse is imminent” are not negative thoughts.  They are just sweet, uncomplicated facts.  So I didn’t do a lot of snapping.  I’m no good at things like this (snap), I need someone (desperately seeking Pavlov) to do it for me.  You can’t expect the dog to ring its own bell before it sits down to eat.  At least not this intractable mutt.

The hardest part of the week had to do with drinking.  The not-drinking liquor.  The drinking of water.  Eight glasses of water a day is a lot of water!  Three glasses of alcohol all week is not very much alcohol.  Goodness.  I usually operate with a sort of opposite ratio.  On the very first night I went over to my aunt’s house for fried chicken & a movie I used up one lonely glass of wine.  I even took a picture to commemorate the occasion.

what discipline!

We watched Crazy Heart.  Jeff Bridges was good, but I found the rest of the movie appalling.

Tuesday I just stayed home, watching American Idol & eating fruit & things.  Writing in my “Journal.” Taking my multi-vitamin.

The next day I went on my first one-hour hike in nature with my friend Lauren (running Week 28, as luck would have it), her dog Zoe, & her friend Jason.  We went to Runyon Canyon.

Dog on it

Beautiful hike!  –

Beautiful company

but I was so out of shape I had to stop to catch my breath partway up, very embarrassing.  It didn’t help that I was toting my iPhone the whole way in order to capture photographic proof.

Said proof

But by the time we hit the bottom of the hill I was myself again.  Fortunately, we didn’t see any rattlesnakes.  Got home, showered, & prepared for an evening out!

Also fortunately, that (Wednesday) evening, my dear aunt revoked the no-drinking rule. No prompting from me!  I think prompting is cheating.   But anyway this was good.  Because on Wednesday I decided to dress like somebody else just to see what it was like. I let her call the shots on this one, since it was her week after all, & she thought it would be fun if I dressed up in cowgirl gear to accompany her to a bar in the Valley where a country band was playing.  Maybe not country?  Maybe rockabilly?  I don’t really know anything about this kind of music.

Anyway, I have never worn a cowboy hat in public in my LIFE & I really think I did need some liquid courage.  It was a cute outfit we put together, VERY not me.  Pretty black cowboy boots with roses, a belt with a big buckle, a spangled Rolling Stones cutaway t-shirt & a black cowboy hat.  Also a silver wrist cuff.

The fraud of your idolatry

She looked very cute in more toned down cowboy attire.

We went for some BBQ before & it was great.  I got three kinds of meat & some collard greens.  For dessert we had chocolate bread pudding & a bacon cupcake.

Now that's my kind of bakin'

The show was fun too.  We were the only two girls in the bar in cowboy hats.  But I even danced, with some coaxing, during the last song.

If you don't like pretty girls you won't like us

Thursday was a day much like any other, in that I have almost no memory of it & must still forge a written account.  I know I went to the bookstore to pick up the week’s required reading (The Secret & The Sun Also Rises) &, while I was at it, picked up some non-required reading too.

Which of these things is not like the other?

That night I watched a lot of Jersey Shore & made a good dent in The Sun Also Rises before bed.  Hemingway now feels like a dear old friend.  Oh, I also called someone I’d lost touch with & arranged to meet him on Friday for his birthday dinner & drinks.

Friday morning, bright & surly, woke up & went to the mall where I bought some running shoes & hiking pants.  Then I drove to West Hollywood where I met up with Jason & went on my second one-hour hike (Runyon again).  It was a pleasure.  I wasn’t so weak this time.  Jason told me that it’s harder to be, as he was, in the Marines & I don’t doubt it.  Can you imagine me in the Marines?  You’re right, I’m not really cut out for it.  I’m no Jason, I’ll confess.

Later that night I met up with my long-lost acquaintance Grant & some of his friends for drinks.  It was Grant’s birthday.  We went to the Beni Hana in Santa Monica.

My first sake bomb

If there’s one thing I love in life it’s Japanese steakhouses.  Had a good time with the friendly strangers & then got home around midnight.  Stayed up till four finishing The Sun Also Rises.  You may not be surprised to learn that it’s a very good read.

Saturday I went to the Century City mall to go into a store I pass all the time & wonder what’s in it. I wandered around for an hour.  I kind of count this as my third walk near nature because it is an outdoor mall.  Eventually I went into CUSP & assuaged my curiousity about its contents.  It contains a lot of nice clothes that I can’t afford & mothers with pre-teen daughters who are much better dressed than me.

That evening, Colin was in town for the Golden Globes, so I went & had a drink with him & his wife in their hotel room.  Afterwards, I headed into West Hollywood & lived it up a little in someone’s apartment.  It took me over an hour to get home since so many streets were shut down &, I confess, though I scribbled out three (very short!) poems (a directive I’d forgotten until the last minute) I simply did not have it in me to read The Secret as I’d intended.  Frailty, thy name is woman!  Maybe one of these days.

Now I’m very pleased with myself.  I simply cannot believe that I managed to reconstruct my whole week like this!  Particularly because the demon horde makes so much noise when I’m trying to write.  Every day is a party for them & I don’t blame them I guess.  If I were a demon I’d be enjoying myself too.

Anyway, everything’s picking up, I think.  The weeks ahead promise to instruct & delight.

I also did some of this:

& you should too.

Be you on the other side!

So I’m late again, but you must forgive me.  I’m still adapting to my new environment.  It’s always warm here, & there are lots of nurses to meet & remember, sounds in the night, & everyone is good looking.  There’s a television in my bedroom & it’s really hard to sit down & write this blog when there are reruns of Jersey Shore & so on constantly unfolding on the screen in front of me.  I’ll get the hang of it though.

Anyway, on Saturday I finished being Lived By Charley Miller.  He’d designed this cool game for me, all about reclaiming my life or something.  His week began on Monday in a hotel room in Sacramento.  I got a breakfast of orange juice (1 point!) at a nearby strip mall & then hit the road.

Not from ... concentrate.

Severe insomnia made things a little bleary but fueled by Red Bull & love of God I made it to LA just before rush hour.  The roads were windy & the weather got warmer & warmer.

January's a good time to get LA'd.

I arrived at DF’s & settled in.  I’ll tell you right now, you’re not going to hear much about DF, his health (or lack of), or my new living situation.  It’s not, I’ll remind you, that kind of blog.

I also forgave two people (2 points) & made four apologies (4 points).  I’d give you the details but I don’t think you’ve earned them.

Vitamin C (L), Vitamin Z (R)

Next morning had some more orange juice (another point) & then took my Red Bull & Foucault to the poolside.  Attempted to work on my tan. Attempted to work on my breaststroke.

Just keeping it real

At this point I was still really enthusiastic about the game & I wanted to find out how many points everything was.  So in addition to making three apologies (3 more points) I embarked on a frenzy of multi-tasking.  Met up with a friend for coffee (3 points) at the Getty, where we took in two nice views for thirty minutes each (10 points in total)

It's better in person

In person it's best

& on the drive back (by trees) got out & hugged a tree (5 points).

I may be human but I have a heart of palm

I also called an ex-boyfriend (5 points) & bought a wheatgrass plant, named it Alfie, & watered it (10 points).

Well, not bad!  By then I was up to 45 points.

So the next day, in addition to making several apologies, I thought I’d rack up points by calling as many ex-boyfriends as possible.  I managed four in one day!  They were all so kind & accommodating about it.  Whatever my colossal failings as a human being may be, I must have done something right if EACH of my ex-boyfriends would humor me with a phone call.  One I hadn’t spoken to in a whole decade!  There were times in which I was carrying on multiple conversations with several exes simultaneously. So that was a fun day.

O say can we Z?

That night I went to see a good friend from high school at her apartment.  I showed her my kaleidescope necklace & drank some strong beer.

The next day I didn’t do anything but make a few apologies.  Oh & I did something fun in the evening, I think.  It involved lasagna & an old musical.

The next day Charley absolutely destroyed me by informing me that since I had not “put a green dot” on my phone, none of the ex-boyfriend points counted & I was back down to 50 points or something sick like that.  I wheedled & pleaded but to no avail.  I tried to prove that, since my iPhone is covered in lots of pixels, many of them green, I ALREADY had green dots on my phone (ditto Skype) but he stuck to his guns.  It was simultaneously tragic & irritating.

So anyway then I lost the will to live & became very lazy.  I didn’t do any of the fun & exciting options he’d provided me, like memorizing songs & singing them blindfolded & getting my shoes shined & going to meditation groups & stuff like that. I did dream that I did those things at night. But as we all know by now, my dreams mean nothing, obv.  For the next two days I just, like, watched TV & drank the occasional glass of orange juice & made the occasional apology & lay by the pool without getting much darker.  I went for drinks with a friend.  I made friends of the nurses & so on. & then shortly before midnight on Saturday, the last day, I went out to the store & bought four wheatgrass plants & one basil plant, brought them home, watered them, & named them.  That got me 50 points & when you add the boring apologies (at least the ones I remembered to count!) & the orange juices (over 16 oz) it means I had 105 altogether.  (130 if you count the boyfriends.)

No views. No coffee.  No shoeshine. No song & dance.  No fun video games measuring biorhythms.  But you know, in the words of the security at the front gate, I, honey, look exhausted.

I named the plants Ramona, Beetlejuice, Charley, Frankie, & Dolores.  I felt bad that I was lazy for Charley’s week so I named one of the plants after him.

Chew on this for awhile.

The plants are all out on the balcony.  I grazed on Alfie a little one evening, as you can see.

Anyway that week is done & I got all my points, but you know, there’s a fine line between triumph & defeat these days. But in the words of the folks at the liquor store I’m a long way from home.  In the words of the guy at the gas station, just how young are you sweetie?  No, that last one, that’s totally irrelevant.  I’m just bragging that I look so young for my age.

Anyway, by now I’m happily (if soberly) ensconced in Week 27 & it’s quiet tonight so I’m looking forward to finally getting some sleep!  I have a long, wholesome week ahead of me.  Speaking of heads, I’ll leave you with the Ideal Female Head.  I saw it at the Getty.

See you on the other side?

I think her ears are kind of big, but who am I to judge.

Ladies. (& gentlemen.) Boys. (& girls.)  It’s been awhile, I’ll confess.  So long, in fact, that I’ve almost forgotten everything.  I’ve forgotten almost everything. In the past two days I’ve been so busy watching reality television & hobnobbing with health care professonials & so forth that I recall the past week only hazily & with some great difficulty.

I’ll reconstruct it here as well as I can, considering.

It was supposed to be a week off because I was supposed to drive to Los Angeles.  But then things suddenly became very up in the metaphorical air & the drive didn’t happen when it was planned so it was just a Week Off. My family left & I stayed in my brother’s basement.

A good cat is hard to find

I lay in the basement all day, sending emails & talking on the phone.  Sleeping on the air mattress with the blankets over my head.  The Chancellor kept me company, the dog stayed upstairs.  I think it rained lots, maybe.  If I grew hungry I ate Xmas chocolates.  My brother’s girlfriend was there, & one of his friends was visiting.  On the first night, I went upstairs & made vegetarian lasagna for the crew.  Sometimes we watched movies, happy ones. Once I went with the Bailey sisters plus nice male Bailey cousin to The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus.

The New Yorker review of the film says:

… people are invited onto the Doctor’s stage and sent through a rickety mirror, into a world where anything goes—a candy-colored landscape out of “Mary Poppins,” an oily river that curls up into a snake’s head, you name it. Are these embodiments of each person’s fancy, or did Parnassus himself cook them up? I have no idea, any more than I can decide whether C.G.I. was the best or the worst thing that could have happened to Terry Gilliam. His gifts of invention were already so fecund, and so prolix, that this newfound ability to construct anything that drifts into his mind’s eye—as opposed to the ramshackle, hand-drawn delight of his earlier animation—spells both enchantment and chaos. He can follow any train of thought, so he does, and it’s no surprise when the trains run out of steam.

So I found it very relatable.  The most relatable film of the year.

Anyway, there must be a state somewhere where it is legal for my brother to adopt me? He was a dream host.  In the mornings I’d hear him getting ready to go to work upstairs, just as I was ready to fall unconscious with exhaustion (I’ve been suffering from insomnia lately).

The night before New Years Eve my brother & his girlfriend went out to a club.  Before they left she asked me if I could call her at 2:00am.  She was nervous.  “I know it sounds weird,” she said, “but I’m having some sort of premonition.”  I told her I’d call. I called & she didn’t pick up. Oh no! I texted all his friends, who assured me everyone was alive.

The next morning it turns out that, well …

Well, well!

I’m going to have the best sister-in-law in the world!  My brother proposed to her that night. He got down on one knee & everything, with a ring he picked himself! & she said yes, & he walked around the rest of the night with a muddy patch on one knee.  I am absolutely thrilled.  Unfortunately, this makes me officially a spinster.  But I’m thrilled regardless.

So that morning we went to Denny’s to celebrate!  I didn’t think they would go for it but I was in the mood.  My new sister-in-law accepted my proposal that we eat there without hesitation.  With great enthusiasm, in fact! I had the Lumberjack Slam.  It was rainy & grey & the Denny’s was festive & there was lots of sappy wedding talk.

So much to ketchup on, isn't there

That evening the lovebirds headed off to a party & I went into the city to spend a quiet evening playing Scrabble with Olivia & friends.  I arrived just in time for the most AMAZING chocolate cake.

Goodbye No(ugh)ts! Good riddance!

They’d gotten the recipe off some food blog.  I don’t read blogs so I’m not familiar with it. After the cake came champagne & Scrabble & we stopped at midnight & toasted & then resumed.  I won.  But of course.

We talked about horses & boys & braiding hair

Then we settled in for a quiet night of watching movies …

But somehow as more & more people arrived the night became less & less quiet.  The Scotch came out & by 4:00am, you know, we were drawing foot puppets & standing barefoot in the rain & singing old showtunes & hugging … or was that only me?  How things seem to blur together.

But all in all, December 31 was certainly one of the best days of ‘09.

The next day we all arose around 2:00 & stumbled around drinking orange juice in our pajamas.  & ordered pizza.  & watched TV.  Everyone mocked me & I screamed & blushed & hid my face & swore I’d leave after Notting Hill, after Jersey Shore, after Teen Mom.  Finally I really did leave.  At my brother’s I packed my suitcase & did some laundry & we ate some more pizza & watched another movie.  All in all, January 1 was the BEST day of ‘10.

Olivia, I luv ya, all of ya.

& then on Palindrome day it was only lonely little me.  I loaded my car & hit the road & took the afternoon ferry to Port Angeles.  Very sleepy.

Beautiful, British Columbia!

Drove to Portland. By night. On winding, rainy roads.

On the way, I saw this wonderful sign taped to a port-o-potty outside a gas station.

Hope he got his date. Alas, I came too late!

At the same gas station I purchased my late evening breakfast of champions (beef jerky, Dayquil, Red Bull. I took a pic but on second thought, it’s too depressing).

I arrived at my motel around 11:00.  It was very sketchy.  The bed looked like this.

I like to call this piece "Psycho III"

I didn’t get much sleep.

Sunday, fueled by Red Bull (it’s like, my new thing) I drove to Sacramento.  Didn’t sleep much there either, but I have to say the Residence Inn Marriott in Sacramento is without a doubt the best low-budget hotel I’ve ever seen.  $89 for a suite with a kitchen, immaculately clean, free WiFi, big flat screen TV, hot breakfast in the morning, & microwave popcorn!  & best customer service! I’d practically go to Sacramento just to stay there.

& then Monday I got to LA.  Where it’s sunny & in the 70s.  I’m still really not sure what I’m doing here.  But I’ll well into Week 26 by now & I really hope I get my prize at the end, though I’m not sure I’m willing to put in the effort.  & you’ll have to wait until next week to hear how that goes.

Fruits & vegetables? As if.

I know this entry is dull but I’ve had a long & curious time of it.  & I realize now that procrastinating is no good.  It only gets harder to write these the longer I wait.  I assure you, it won’t happen again.  I’ll blog as soon as next week is done.  It’s 2010 after all.  Time to whip myself into shape.

Stay tuned! I’m sure something will happen.  For one thing, I’ll get thin & tan.  That much I can say for sure.

How time flies &c.!

I just stepped outside & there were some fireworks going off.  I could hear the dog shifting nervously upstairs.  See, I’m at my brother’s house. I’m staying in his basement.

Anyway, this week I was being Lived By my good friend Elizabeth &, as you can see if you look at the schedule, it was a week of non-stop poetry.

I was sick for the first part & in transit for the second & of course it’s the hollow days so it’s all something of a blur. But it was a delightful blur & I can say for certain that I did everything asked of me &, obviously, more.

I have an enthralling bedside manner

Elizabeth & I read a poetry book of my/our choosing. It was Ooga Booga by Frederick Siedel.  TD has been recommending it to me heartily for sometime & Ptolemy has mentioned it dismissively in passing so I thought that Fred S. was just our guy.

Or maybe it was the troubled fantasy of a fevered mind

M’as-Tu Vue? made it onto my Christmas list but not, alas, into my paws. Hard to find.  Oh poor yous.  Is this over your heads?  Well, don’t fuss about it too much. It’s over mine too.  Anyway, Elizabeth, I’ll find it one day soon & then– watch out!  I’ll discuss it intelligently with the cows until you come home.  (That’s a play on this joke by Groucho Marx, dear readers.)

Anyway, every day Elizabeth & I wrote a poem based on a prompt I’d make up the night before.

They were very good & not really fit for mortal eyes.  We emailed them to each other at the end of each day, of course.

If you’re very interested in hearing what the prompts were, I can address your curiousity in the comments.

But curiousity killed the Chancellor

As you can maybe see, on the last day, I organized all of our poems into a little chapbook.

Absolutely I did. Absolutely.

I will mail this chapbook to Elizabeth when the time comes.  Visually, it’s nothing special, but I did arrange for it to have a “handle” of rubberbands.

The nicest part of this week was daily emails/poems from Elizabeth.

There were other things that happened this week, of course.  It was Christmas! The cat ran away. I went a whole night without sleep. I was sick! (with the swine flu?).  Things fell apart! I took the ferry to Vancouver Island. The center did not hold. I threw a wine hottle into the street! Sheer anarchy was loosed upon the world.  I found some horse shampoo at the drugstore & intend to use it on my hair.  I came into some money!  Santa arrived & brought me a nice pink scarf & a laptop case.  By the way I stayed in my brother’s basement & am, as you know, there still. The streets were frosty! The cat came back.  I ate nothing but animal protein! Took a picture of a wheelbarrow full of rainwater… & so it goes.

& so it goes

By the way, did you know that pirates did not wear eyepatches because most of them were missing eyes.  They wore them because if you’re going very quickly from the light (eg. a beach) into the darkness (eg. a cave full of treasure) if one eye is accustomed to darkness you will adapt much more quickly to the darkness when you remove an eyepatch from a seeing eye.  This is a technique I intend to employ this evening & in the future.  If I ever need to go from the light to the darkness, for any reason.

What else did I do this week?  I made an obscene video of me reciting one of my prompt poems in a stripey leotard.  It was my Xmas present to the internet.  I deleted it on Xmas day.  I saw my family & my dog. I purchased a tiny antique lighter from the 1930s. Did a lot of Christmas stuff.

I don’t know what else to tell you!(/I don’t know how else to fail you!)

This doesn't mean what we think it means?

What I’ve done (since it’s poetry week) is I’ve extracted one phrase or sentence from each email (each & EVERY email!) I received this week, in order.  I did it fairly randomly, but in such a way that no one’s True Identity would be revealed.  So, if you were to briefly flip through my inbox as if it were a book, here’s what you’d see:

/ email from my wife. /

She’s so not my buddy. / I may fall asleep before long / Enjoy your noodles and whiskey / You have such a winning personality / Emily! / Emily. / no one here ever asks anything about my personal life / Glad you didn’t get in the car! / This marks the first time in our nation’s history that comprehensive health reform has come to this point. / and that is the time the guy suggested we come to make sure we get a table.  / Wednesday they are predicting snow, so make sure you give yourself lots of time /

I’m too scared to even read this whole article. / It’s closed to the paparazzi but open to us.  / I am going to have to stop eating here pretty soon. / i’m in new zealand visiting my girlfriend / well you’re too sick to Skype / chat me / I’m here, I’m here / Today, our Ice Wine is happily fermenting to

perfection in the winery. / AND lines and italics. / Tonally, and especially the use of conch. / Yikes, / This e-mail confirms your reservation(s) as follows: / I presume you may be over on the Island with your family now. / Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! / What a bunch of idiots. /

Get to work! / these damn logistics. Her parents were here, / I’m halfway through. / God, he is such an old man. / I’m really not drinking or taking drugs. / Of course, it was probably just as well / But consider this: This Christmas, there are millions of Americans without health insurance who risk losing everything / Chloe wasn’t allowed at the craft fair, but / I don’t understand it–I wrote it in Word. / Anyway, you handled it with aplomb. / we could totally get the address printed on underwear. / Don’t shoot me, just edit me! / ps- Fear not. / So I need a central image of you, /

what uncanny synchronistic overlaps / Anyhow, I gave her a few dollars / They don’t even bring you UP / No one treats me with kid gloves but now they’re gone and I’m on my own again.  / Please click on the following link to see your card.  / Maybe Santa will bring you a turtleneck and chastity belt /

Four pounds of turkey each is a lot of turkey.  / Your current Verizon Wireless bill statement is now available for online viewing  / [...] take a keen interest in my life. / I saw you pop on my screen / LOLOLOLOLOLOL  / This is supposed to be formatted differently. / here  / A new RBC Royal Bank Electronic Statement is available./

I think this is all of them. /

Stop. Can you stand it?

Then the other thing I did was go through my outbox.  & I did the same thing with all my outgoing emails from this week.  Ready?

/ Why do women insist

on calling me Emily z. / Looks like I’m moving in. / i slept on her couch in this leotard / but i’m not sending you my leotard / you leaning on that table / & then the elevator in the building broke / instead i only have some doggerel  / absolutely absolutely & talked about groceries!! / After it’s done, you can discard the epigraph if you like. / I dreamed that I didn’t get any sleep so I’m going back to bed / with no stanza break. /

Doesn’t it look like I have a fever? / i think i have a fever i can’t type & lfie seems scary / only take one suitcase? / i want to show off!  i did something clever. / my steak is cold through & entirely unpalatable./  i really like this it’s kind of impressive / coming to terms w fact I have SO MUCH to do!! / I’d say “oh, no whiskey is medicine! Really.” / oh yes, because we are saints.” / [TD] says it’s outrageous & pathological / I still haven’t cleaned or packed / Furthermore I am on the way to the store for some sausage. / He said “emily everyone will be staring / I’m almost home /

I’m at the ferry terminal & I haven’t slept. / I’m about to sleep in my car in the hold of a ship. / idea of men masturbating to poetry & thought you might too / Google “navigating device” / it’s actually like totally OBSCENE / I kind of think that’s bad. / My mother was handing out slices of ham. /

because you want attention & I want to be left alone. / It’s not haunted anyway only called that / if it makes you feel better, i didn’t want to do it myself. / he ran off & there was no retrieving him. / yowling to get in & only a little chomped on by dogs. / charlie’s budgie died while he was in barcelona. / here. /

I hope you’re not dying of curiousity.  I don’t want any lawsuits.

Anyway I was supposed to be on my way to Los Angeles but I got a phone call today.  So I’m staying put in my brother’s basement for one more week.  Thank God he’s so tolerant & doesn’t mind.  I may or may not be moving to Los Angeles.  That, like everything else, is figuratively speaking up in the metaphorical air.

Light (just keepin' it)

I was taking week 25 off so I could move to Los Angeles.  But now I’m not moving, for now.  But it’s too late to get anyone else.  So now, friends, I’m taking Week 25 off in order to achieve the most perfect possible stasis.  Or something like that.

Maybe I’ll come up with some silly game each day.  Or something like that, to keep you entertained next Monday. Until next Monday!  Can you hold on till then?! Next Monday, after all, it will already be 2010.

It, dude, was my week off & I think that means I can write about it however I like.  I took no notes, in fact, I never take notes, but this week I didn’t even take mental ones & it’s all very bleary.  It has that nice underwater quality that memory occasionally acquires around this time of year when it’s dark all the time & everything’s a little crazed & festive.  As if it all happened in a castle in the bottom of the sea. Well, it might as well have.  I’ll tell you what I remember in just the order I remember it, until I get tired under the weight of all this memory & decide to cut off abruptly & focus my thoughts on the future.

First & foremost, obviously, it was in the bleak December & each burning dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.  That should go without saying.  My mother was in town, I was recovering from something? Oh yes, Los Angeles.  I was recovering from Los Angeles & preparing to return.  So we devoured a lot of food.  Basically most of the time was spent on devouring.  If it’s decadent, I’ll do it.  That’s my unofficial motto.  Test it out on me sometime.  I devoured quite a menagerie early this week.  Oysters, foie gras, some kind of coarse sausage, lamb chops… perhaps it’s better to tell you the cruel foods I didn’t eat.  No veal, no ortolan drowned in Armagnac, no live monkey brains, no dogs hanged by the neck until dead.  No human flesh.  I ate no human flesh, so far as I know.

"I weep for you," the Walrus said, "I deeply sympathsize."

& then my family departed & I was left to my own devices.  Everything’s covered in Christmas lights, nice since it gets dark shortly after three.  It’s been rainy though (very [I think]) so the streets shine.  Must love the hall of days. The Hall of Days, get it?  It’s what we call a play on words in the poetry industry.  “Make it till you fake it,” I say, regarding the creation of poetry.  That’s my inspirational lower back tattoo.

Oh well.  I went Christmas shopping a lot but it took me a long time to find anything.  I saw interesting things in junk shops.  I kind of wanted to buy people junk for Christmas, but I didn’t think they’d understand.  Maybe staying at Ptolemy’s house warped my brain. I saw lots of things I liked like a Jesus Saves piggybank & some old watches.  There were trillions of alarming dolls.  A doll with a black horn strapped to her head.  A doll in a mask & cape.  & the best one, a doll’s head with its eyes partially but not entirely closed resting on some tiny eggs in an ashtray.

No birds were flying overhead

--there were no birds to fly

Oh also, I got a package.  Early in the week I got a most interesting package from commenter Suzanne.  It was FULL of fascinating things.  Books, & a grey cashmere scarf, & some hand soap in a ziploc bag & old photos & a wishbone, I think, or what I hope was a wishbone, that had shattered into four pieces & lay at the bottom of everything.  My favorite thing was a long narrow picture of her house.  Also, four pairs of socks, which is wonderful.  I don’t have any socks.

The moon was shining sulkily, because she thought the sun had got no business to be there after the day was done--

It must be something to do with the project.  I don’t get any money, or work, or love or anything, but now I HAVE got seven pairs of socks.  & socks are just what I need.  Money & love may come & go but I never have socks.  Ptolemy got me three pairs when I came to his house & now Suzanne sent me four pairs & it means whenever I put on my socks I’m thinking of you.  I only have two other pairs of socks, really.  & one pair belongs to an old boyfriend & the other pair to a former stepfather.  I suppose I have trouble clothing my feet.  I need you nice people to do it for me.

Anyway, Suzanne, please consider this a public thank you note.  I am of the firm belief that it’s best, these days, to do almost everything publicly.

Later that night, I walked into a bar (ouch) & found Jesus

Along those lines, some interesting plans have been materializing rapidly & then rapidly falling apart.  I’ve been very knotty this year but I trust Santa will come through regardless.

He has the most interesting Tweets.

Also, things are festive. Parties & Christmas shopping. On Thursday  I went to a cocktail party at Jessica’s new place which is very nice.  There’s a fireplace & a budgie in her bedroom & the walls in the hallways are concrete & the doors are all shiny metal & industrial looking.  There was egg-nog, but I didn’t drink that (ew) I just drank everything else in the room.

how many steps again? much more than 12...

Then on Sunday I went to a brunch at Braden’s house & met 18 very pleasant people.  It was a pajama party brunch so I wore my velvet dressing gown & a slip over this zippered leotard that I’ve been wearing for the past three days.  I was kind of the second most dressed up person at the party but I don’t mind, that always happens.

I only dress for dinner

Sometimes I go to a costume party & I’m the only person in costume.  Like this one party in Michigan where I went in drag as Humbert Humbert & then the boy who was going to be Lolita had decided, I guess, not to come in costume & he didn’t know how to tell me so he just didn’t.  & everyone else had decided not to come in costume too.  But it was ok, because it made my costume so much better, if you think about it.  I couldn’t be Humbert Humbert without being jilted like that!  I carried around two tennis rackets all night, very mournfully.  & looking very handsome in my suit.

'07 was quite a year.

Anyway, back to reality, at this brunch I drank some mimosas & flipped pancakes for a long time in a blissful & dreamy sort of way.  When we ate there were crackers with paper hats & actually very good prizes!  Somewhere, now, I have a Rubix cube key-chain & a little lock shaped as a heart with two sets of keys.  I can put that on my diary, aka the internet, where it will be absolutely useless as a lock.

Orange you glad our hats are so bananas?

Now I’m just rambling, aren’t I.  I’ve missed a lot of things.  I spent nearly every waking minute with Shannon & some sleeping ones too.  I met a Jesus at the beginning of the week (as mentioned in an artful caption) & a Mohammad at the end.  I stepped into an elevator which broke instantly.  I befriended the homeless man who opens the door for you at the 7-11.  Last night he told me he is 49 & asked me if he looks it.  “I’m not very good at guessing men’s ages” I said, “& also it’s hard to tell because of your long grey beard.”

“People tell me I look young” he said.  So he & I have more than one thing in common.

Now I’m just tiptoing into Elizabeth’s week.  It’s a very nice one.  I’m also going to be busy.  I’m leaving for the island the day after tomorrow.  & then after Christmas I’m moving to Los Angeles.  I have to pack, among other things.  & Christmas is coming (the goose is getting fat, please put a penny in the old man’s hat).

Here’s my favorite picture of Elizabeth & me.  I hope she doesn’t mind that I’m putting it on the internet.  It’s the best photo ever taken, is all.

You can send away for an autographed copy.

Anyway I don’t know what else to tell you.  Did I mention I lost the Coin of Destiny in Los Angeles?  Did I mention that I’m taking a second week off after Christmas in order to move to there?  Did I mention I’m driving?

I like Christmas a lot but I didn’t make gingerbread men or anything this year.  There was a time in my life where I made a lot of gingerbread, & went through two jars of molasses every December.  I would make five different colors of icing & decorate each cookie differently.  I still have lots of cookie cutters.  Once when I was ten I made a scale replica of on of the California missions entirely out of gingerbread.

What can I say, I grew up without television.  But now all I care about is lipstick & invitations.

Happy Holidays everyone! Hope you spend them writhing with comfort & joy!  I know I will.

Chance makes an odd bedfellow

In conclusion, don’t do anything I wouldn’t.  & if you’re wont to overspend, as so many of us are, please remember the wisdom that adorns the junk shop coin bank.

The reason for the season, after all.

Oh & here I am.  It’s been very dramatic.  I was in Los Angeles all week, being lived by an unconcious man in the ICU.  I know that might seem like a cop-out.  It felt like one at the time.  How can you be lived by somebody who is unconscious?  But in some mystical way or another it seemed to work out.  You’ll see what I mean.

Woke up quite early on Monday morning & headed to the airport.  The SO LONG EMILY sign over my bed seemed somehow portentous.

I had my own block of seats on the airplane

It was mostly empty.  My iPod was stolen the week before so I had nothing to listen to.  I mean, nothing to which to listen.  But Christmas carols played in my mind & of course

I'd brought some light reading for the plane.

The woman across from me on the flight was in her 70s.  She was wearing Mickey Mouse earrings & she had a Mickey Mouse Necklace over a red turtleneck & a sequined Mickey Mouse purse.  She was working on a book of crosswords, I think.  I’d assumed she was a tourist going to Anaheim, but then she started talking to some other woman & turns out she was only a Mickey Mouse aficiando.  She actually lives in Orange County.

California is full of surprises.

We landed in heavy rain but it stopped when we taxied up.  & there was a rainbow right over the airport.  Cue oohs & ahhs from my fellow passengers.  I oohed silently.

Keith, the driver, picked me up & he said the clouds had parted just for me.  Well, sure.  They always do.

At the hotel I signed up for wireless & then settled my brains for a long winter’s nap.  By now I’m quite familiar with this particular hotel.  I know the leopard-print bathrobes & the snakeskin cabinets as if they were my very own.

Los Angeles, like the rest of the world, is disintegrating somewhat.  I could tell the hotel is losing money.  For one thing, they had changed all the bath products from L’Occitane to Aveda.  Also, they no longer ask if you want the key to the mini-bar.  They just give you the key to your room

& the mini-bar is unlocked.

Anyway, the next day I went to the hospital where my friend was in poor condition.  But once I arrived, he seemed to improve somewhat.  By the end of the day, he was able to squeeze the nurses’ hands.  There were some doctors who came in & they asked if I had any questions.

“No,” I said.  “Except… do you think it’s fun being doctors?”

They exchanged confused glances & hurried away without answering me.  For goodness sake.  I only asked a simple question!

Anyway, by the end of the day I realized that I had only one very obvious option.  I needed to move to Los Angeles as soon as possible & live in my friend’s apartment.  I ran it by his secretary & his nurse & his doctor & his best friend & they all agreed.

So that is what I am going to do. Friends, I am moving to Los Angeles.

I went to the hospital the next day.  It was much the same, only a little better.

it was much the same, only

a little better

Then around 5:00 I received a call from another friend, who had [redacted].  Spent the rest of the night [redacted] & out for drinks at the W too. Once I got back home (or hotel, rather), spent time on Skype. It was a good night, if [redacted] an anxious one.

I spent the next two days on [redacted].  The Dear Friend who was living me had stabilized, though he was still unconscious, & since I was to be moving into his apartment in a few weeks’ time I felt less need to go to the hospital. I had his doctors’ blessing. I stayed in my hotel room & planned  [redacted].

I also saw a few friends from high school.

Time marched on.

Lots of things happened.  I met men & they fell in love with me.  It rained a little.  Rain is an event in Los Angeles (my friends complained that the sound of it kept them awake at nights).  I wrote a few delirious emails. Drank a lot of champagne.  Talked on the phone with nurses & business managers & my mother.  I contemplated quitting the project.  I was pretty sure I’d have to quit.

My Dear Friend was doing ok.  They floated a catheter or something into his heart through his lungs.  Today (Sunday) they took out his breathing tube.  The last few days I couldn’t go in as they thought it would be better if he didn’t have visitors.  Also, [redacted] was happening.

I’m not a very good [redacted], for obvious reasons.

I ate some room service & emptied the mini-bar & watched some movies on TV.  There was one day where I stayed in my hotel room all day & watched the Discovery Channel on mute.  They dissected a crocodile over & over.  It was a huge crocodile.  They dissected it every two hours, or maybe less frequently.  It was hard to tell.

they had excellent room service

That’s how it was.  Then this morning I got on a plane & came to Vancouver, where it had snowed.

I was being Lived By my Dear Friend, unconscious or whatever, he always liked me to do just what I liked.  If I could’ve, I would’ve shaken my own hand & slipped myself $600 & told myself to go shopping, but for obvious reasons this wasn’t feasible. & as far as the inspired decision to move to Los Angeles & live in his spare bedroom goes, I credit it entirely to him.

Anyway, now I’m here in Vancouver. Got back tonight & tonight Shannon came over.  She’d cleaned my entire apartment & I made her some steak with truffle butter.  I talked about how I would need to quit the project but how I felt increasingly that I shouldn’t.

We soon had the best idea (when we put our heads together we’re very dangerous).

I’m taking the next week off.  This is necessary.  After next week, I will return to the scheduled programming.  A full two weeks of it. Following which, Shannon will take charge of the administrative aspects of the project for one month.

See, it’s not living the schedules that is difficult for me, it is coordinating the schedules.  Assigning the weeks, sending the required emails, etc. etc. all takes its toll on me.  It no longer feels like Emily “Lived By” but rather, Emily “Lived For.” It’s less about the directives than it is about the logistics &, as such, it begins to feel rather artificial.

Shannon will take care of all of that. & henceforth, everything will be fine.  Furthermore, it will be much more out of my hands.

Anyway, I’m taking a week off.  During that time, we will restructure the project.  I will return full force in time for Christmas.  I will move to Los Angeles & spend New Years there.  The project is being relocated but, as far as I know, it will resume shortly.  I appreciate your patience & your support.  If you have suggestions, send them along.  Shannon will help me deal with them.

We’ve lagged a little, but we’re making a comeback.  From now, I’ll be around & everything will go swimmingly.

Well, friends. Have you weathered your storms?  I’ve weathered mine.  I’m weathering.  This week, like every week, has felt like a lifetime.

but what is a lifetime?

As Norton Juster tells us (in the inimitable Phantom Tollbooth,) “It’s more important to know whether there will be weather than what the weather will be.”

Well, what can I say? I’m whethering. It’s been … real.

Buddhism week was in like a lion, out like… a lion on steroids.  But I did what the doctor ordered.  I was 1. up at 8:00 every day & I 2. meditated, or at least reserved meditation time, for  three hours each day during the assigned times.  From 3. 4-5 each day I studied the assigned text (Zen Mind, Beginners Mind, Shunryu Suzuki Roshi) & I attempted to be 4. genuine & present like, always.

For some reason people think I’m not genuine.

Anyway, there were other directives. You can see them if you check the schedule.  I did my best to fulfill each of them.

It’s fortunate, really, that this week was Buddhism Week because this week the world really came crashing down about my metaphorical shoulders & Buddhism gave me some helpful tools to deal with the trauma…

Anyway, day one was kind of easy.  It was the first day, after all.  Just getting into the swing of things, I meditated as best as I could during the assigned times & used my 5. breakfast hour to cook bacon & eggs.

see, just like i told you?

If you want to know how meditation etc. went for me you can check under the Weekly Schedule.  I posted updates.  No one seemed to care.  I’m untroubled by it.  But I’m not going to rehash it all here.

I meditated.

The second day, I really hit my stride.  Cliche alert! But who cares. I hit it. My stride, that is.  Made some real advances in meditation, made three solid meals (unheard of for me!) & cleaned … & cleaned … & cleaned. & was present during cleaning. & found real meaning in it.

meaning. in cleaning!

My apartment was filthy.  It’s now only semi-filthy.

we re-appropriated the "pearl necklace"

I strung pearl necklaces from the necks of my stuffed animals.  I sorted all the clothes in my bedroom.  I made it so that I could see my closet floor.

Oh, & so much more.  That felt good.

it felt good

Third day, things began to get troubled.  During meditation, I began to see visions of sorts.  My own head, viewed from the side.  It turned towards me & smiled.  Its eyes were wholly white.

I’d talked on the phone to Gordon, who was worried about my sanity.  He’d told me to quit if it got scary.  Scary it was.  Quit, I did.

That night, before washing the dishes, I put my ring on the counter.  The counter was cold, & my ring.  After washing a pot I went to put my ring back on & found it had warped into a perfect oval & would no longer fit on my finger. No discernible reason.  Troubling.

do you find me pretty? do you like these bones?

From then on things devolved rather rapidly.  Day four I went to Stanley Park with Shannon with the dog, reality thrumming in my ears & eyes & elsewhere.  We ended up staying too long & cut into my meditation time. It was cold & sunny & what?  Something else.  I spent only 45 minutes on meditation that afternoon.

do you like the squeal that comes when you polish me like glass?

well, whatever

Day five. I went through the routine.  Meditation was troubling. Had to stop.  In the evening, Shannon came over.  We flipped the Coin of Destiny. It gave us all the right, troubling answers.  We went to eat. We went to drink. We went to the beach at night & it was cold.

& it was cold

The beach that night was awfully beautiful.  Awfully in every sense of the word. We had the dog with us & let her off.  She ran around on the stones & we stared at the sky, sick with trouble.  Everything seemed to be some portent of … something.

Oh I think I’m getting my days mixed up.  This is the trouble when you don’t keep a daily blog.  Because one of these days, I met up with Shannon for Dinner & a Movie.  & we talked. When was it that all of this was happening?

these late eclipses of the sun & moon portend...

Buddhism week was turning me spooky.  In the mornings, before I was 6. allowed to communicate with the outside world I practiced my divination & automatic writing.  I asked many questions & received many answers.  Horrible answers.

I eventually had to give up meditation altogether.  If you’re a spooky person like me, & you can “sense” things, well, I have to say that, by now? If you walked into my apartment? You’d feel the way I do.  Step in the door & it’s like stepping into Jello.

But who knows…?  On day six (yesterday) I discovered that a dear friend of mine, who has been ill for a very long time is ill once again & in the ICU.  Is this the end?  I resolved that I would fly down to Los Angeles to spend a little time at the bedside.  I’m leaving tomorrow.  Does tomorrow come so soon?

"so long, emily!"

At first I thought of it as a “week off” but then realized it’s nothing of the sort.  For Week 22 I will be lived by Dear Friend.  He’s not “around” in the strict-ish sense of the word, but he’s around.  I know just what he’d like & this is his chance (& my chance).  He can Live Me.  I’m going to be in the hospital in Los Angeles being lived by my dear unconscious friend.  Disappointing?  I understand.  But what isn’t?

So, on the sixth day, I made a lot of arrangements.  I arranged a plane ticket.  I arranged other things.  I drove out to the island where I’d arranged for my brother to take care of the dog.

i will live a happy life... so that's taken care of

he made pasta from scratch

We watched Christmas movies.  We made our own movie.

[movie]

I don’t expect you to understand it.  It’s a big inside joke.

I studied my book on the ferry.  I missed meditation hour.  This is what happens when life sneaks up on you.  Sneak up on you it does!  I might as well warn you now that this project may dissolve completely.  I didn’t know what I was beginning when I began it & I might as well tell you now: if it falls apart, that must’ve been the intention all along.  Whose intention? God only knows.  But you know that adorable old saying, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans?” I don’t know how to describe the feeling I’ve been having lately.  I only know that I can say, with some conviction, that if feels as if God is laughing through me.

i don't want to start any blasphemous rumors, but...

I had a nice time with my brother & Buddhism week prepared me for what is to come.

When I woke up today, on my day off, I found my car had been broken into.  They took my iPod & my winter coat.  They took my coins &, most tragically, my buttons.  I had buttons in my money bag.  & the thieves took off with them.  But I could tell they were nice thieves.  The Coin of Destiny (I’ve resumed consulting it) told me so.

Dear friends. I am going to Los Angeles.  I will be there a week & God only knows what will become of me after.  I’ve left so much out.  All these Buddhist insights.  The week was alarmingly good for me & it left me with much, I think.  But I don’t have time for that now.

When I’m done with this entry (soon. Soon!) I am going to bed.  I’ll wake up early, pack a suitcase, get on an airplane … & that will be the last you’ll hear of me for a while.  I’m curious to see what will become of all this … & you should be too.