Q. How can I do the past week justice?
A. Trick question. There is no justice in the world. I can’t.
Q. Was it a good week? Was it a busy week?
A. Yes, that always makes it harder.
& some time has passed since then, & I’ve traveled hundreds of miles, & now I’m in New York & it’s winter & since each week feels like a lifetime, it seems like a lifetime ago that I was
MONDAY:
Waking up at 7:30 to prepare for my hour-long commute to Pasadena. & getting in the car at 9:00 (groggy) & driving some unfamiliar highways with only Marlboro Reds & radio static to keep me conscious (but barely).
I got more used to it as the week went on.
Anyway, I, first things first: I was going to Pasadena because I was working each day from 10-4 with a very nice man named Thomas Kellogg. He’s kind of the mastermind of this amazing arts organization Mentor Artists Playwrights Project (MAPP) that runs intensive playwriting workshops which connect youth in at-risk communities one-on-one with established playwrights & actors.
On the first day, I learned the necessary background about MAPP & the work they do, read through a manuscript of the mentors’ book, & helped Tom create multiple Facebook groups for the project.

Kellogg's grrreat.
Then we just kind of chatted for awhile. & soon it was time for me to go meet Erin Matthews in Hollywood.

I'll follow the sun
Oh wow there was no traffic so I arrived early & I was met on the street by a happy blonde girl with a little poodle that was barking at me in a non-obnoxious way. So it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. We went up to her apartment which kind of reminded me of a gingerbread house & she got changed & Liam (the dog) played with a stuffed Santa. Liam was, by turns, amorous & violent. Like all real men, am I right? Or am I right.

Dog? On it.
I really liked Erin, & we talked about movies & acting, & so on & so forth & then we went out for a drink with her boyfriend, who was also an actor, & also really nice. & then we went to one of their friends’ places & watched the absolute best documentary in the world. American Movie.
Cheerful & bland so far? Well, sue me. Cheerful & bland go together like murder & suicide.
TUESDAY
It was back to Tom’s & I sat in on a meeting & just did, you know, general office-y stuff. I don’t remember. We had good times. Working as a personal assistant comes pretty naturally to me, so long as the demands of the job aren’t super complex. It’s so relaxing to sit at a desk & stuff.
I left early because I had to go meet Eric Geffner at his practice in Beverly Hills. What should I tell you? Man it was rainy so the traffic on the 10 was terrible, & I was terrified I would be late. Also therapists make me nervous, do you feel me? Do you hear what I’m saying?
But I made it & I wasn’t late.

Now that's an awfully long hallway isn't it
Anyway Dr. Eric Geffner is a specialist in gambling addiction so it didn’t take too much courage for me to cross that particular threshold.
I sat in wait.

Gambling & I have something in common, then
(heartbreaking! ha. get it.)
& then, you know, I had a seat. I’m glad he wasn’t of the “Have a seat anywhere” school. He was of the “Have a seat on the couch” school.

Now where exactly does it hurt?
We basically just chatted, as I wasn’t really in for a session, & got to know each other a little. There was a mutual exchange of hopes & dreams & observations & so on & then it was time to get down to business. He gave me a run-down of what he does in his practice & wanted me to “blog about” the following points.
- Gambling is what they call “the hidden addiction”
- 90% of Americans gamble at some point in their lives but this does not make them gambling addicts. Because gambling is so common, this means gambling addiction is not always taken seriously or seen as a “real” addiction.
- Gambling addiction is just as serious as any other addiction & gambling addicts behave like any other addicts. You know, losing homes, families, going to jail, gambling money they don’t have. Etc.
- Gambling is a massive industry “more parasitic than the tobacco industry.”
- If you or someone you know is a gambling addict, there is help & much of it is free. You should call 1-800 GAMBLER or visit StopGamblingNow.Com
Ok, so, that’s a first for this blog, right? But I’m just following doctor’s orders.
He also gave me a CD & DVD on gambling addiction but they shattered in my purse. But I knew a little about this stuff already. I recommended a documentary on gambling addiction he hadn’t seen & also discussed the fairly recent discovery that the Parkinson’s medication Mirapex has been proven to cause gambling addiction in some patients. Guys, I’m such a jack of all trades.
& then, well Time’s Up. “We’ll have to continue this later,” said Eric, “or never.” & then we shook hands.
& then I went to Borders, & called Eliza Jane Schneider & bought a book of collected Pinter plays & Eliza said she was teaching a voice acting for radio class that evening, so she said I should attend that.
I got ready to do that but she’d given me the wrong address so I was late. I was going to be late anyway because I got lost & ended up taking Mulholland & nearly DYING. But, since the address I had was three blocks away & on the other side of the street from the real one, I was um, really late. I wandered by lots of places. A large abandoned car wash. A casting call.
But eventually I found it.
You know, there were these phonetics symbols written on a large paper easel & stuff like that. & Eliza stood at the front of the room saying things, like about how she drove around America in an ambulance interviewing people & taping them, & how she did voices for South Park & stuff, & sings opera, meanwhile demonstrating her skill by dropping now & then into various different voices like German Lady & Keira Knightley & wow, yes, it is very impressive, she can do a lot of funny voices. I can’t do funny voices at all. But there is a whole world of people who spend a lot of time doing this very important & difficult job & I’m not being sarcastic.
Then they went into a Real Live Studio & the students practised their British accents & Cajun accents & got some feedback.

I wasn't allowed in because what if A FIRE?
& then afterwards I went for a drink with Eliza & the sound engineer & his friend from Minnesota. The woman from Minnesota’s job was training people who work for corporations not to have accents.
& then I went home.
What did I do on WEDNESDAY? Oh yes, Wednesday I worked for Tom. I took a long lunch because he was at Tai Chi. & I made a video of me that’s really boring. This man I know said I should have my head examined for thinking I should put it on the internet. Dude, I should have my head examined for numerous reasons. For one thing, I’m as smart as Einstein & twice as beautiful. Anyway so I talked in a funny voice & looked at a squirrel.
But I also addressed envelopes & did some very serious things.
In the evening I met up with David Rodwin who is a writer on the Jonas Bros. show. & we had to go to a concert by Nick & the Administration? Which is I think the youngest Jonas brother’s band. He was wearing a suit, because he says he likes to wear suits. He bought me a beer, a large one, which was nice, because I needed it very much & my bank was being very uncooperative so by this point in my life I only had one dollar in cash & four in change.
The concert was how you think it would be. Lots of teenage girls screaming. I think Nick Jonas was totally phoning it in but David Rodwin disagreed. So then we agreed to disagree. I predict tragedy in his future. But also great success.

Is success a greater tragedy than failure?
& then after the concert, ears kind of ringing, David bought me some noodle soup & lent me $20. What a nice man. Sometimes being the world’s orphan step-child comes in handy.
THURSDAY I didn’t have to work so I, instead, worked out my personal finances & took care of some Family Things. Just because I don’t write about my Home Life doesn’t mean I don’t have one! & it’s a pretty wild one too, I’ll have you know. Also there are some other project-related projects on the horizon oh ok in a nutshell I lived myself for a few hours because you can’t really live anyone unless you really live yourself.
& then I met up with (photographer/Jack-of-All-Trades) David Newsom & Bert (or Burt? his dog). B(e/u)rt was very cute, very movie mutt looking. We met David’s wife, (director/Jack-of-All-Trades) Sian Heder at her work where she was editing this short web piece for before the door. I met a ton of, I don’t know, producers & actors & things? I told them about my project, & shook hands & they were all nice.

All sweetness &/or light
They showed me these pumpkins they have.

the other one has Mr. Spock on it
& some other stuff, like toothsome white smiles & some candles made out of Zachary Quinto’s hands.
Then David & Sian & I went on a night hike & poor Burt (or Bert?) stayed in the car. We saw a coyote & an owl (some precise kind of owl) & heard a baby owl & there was a full moon. So very pleasant by night, very bright by moonlight, & not at all creepy as I thought it would be. & I liked David & Sian very much, insofar as you can tell such a thing when meeting under such odd circumstances.
We were late for a dinner party & so we went to that. It was all independent film producers. I explained my project, over the course of the evening, three or four times in detail & there was that mixed sort of thing where everyone’s interested, & so that’s very gratifying, & at the same time I’m so bored by it & I only want to talk about what all the other people do. It’s funny but after awhile, you know, six months or so, of people asking you “What’s the most interesting thing that’s happened to you all year?” the charm of it kind of goes out.

Knock knock
I was dressed in hiking clothes, which made things awkward, but by now I can run through dinner parties of strangers on autopilot. & everyone was intelligent & humorous & we had corned beef & cabbage & lots of strange names to discuss (Neptune Alexander 17? Storer Prebble the IV. & more). The woman hosting the party had an Oscar for a documentary & a degree from SLC. I’m afraid I don’t remember her name. & the guy who directed The Hottie & the Nottie was there & he was nice. Everyone was nice. It was one of those melancholy evenings I get occasionally with this project. You know, This isn’t my life but I wouldn’t mind if it was.

Who IS there?
It’s a funny kind of lonely feeling, being the welcomed interloper in a happy group of friends. So I’m not sure why I’ve decided to make a career of it.
Later it turns out that TD (remember TD, anyone?) grew up with Sian. ♪ It’s a small, small world. ♪♪
& there’s simply no escape.
& then it was FRIDAY. I didn’t need to work till one. But anyway I left at noon & the traffic was killer & it took me two hours (instead of 45 minutes) to get to Pasadena. I know it’s thrilling to hear about it. It was thrilling to live!

1/2 a mile per hour!
Oh, hold it, sarcasm is the lowest form of humor. Anyway, I got to work at 2:00 but Tom is an awesome boss & he was ok with that.
Did some work stuff, got out of his way with a long lunch, & then drove him to Marina del Rey around 7:00 so he could be close to the airport.
& that was my Friday.
SATURDAY is even shorter. I was supposed to be in touch with Jessica Steen about helping out with make-up on some amazing sounding photo-shoot, but then our signals were crossed so it didn’t happen. That was ok. I had Real Life things to deal with, so it was nice to have the extra time to, you know, deal with Real Life & sit in bed & watch television.

Stuck On You is actually a really good movie
Anyway in the evening I was to go to Jessica’s party. & go I did. I met lots of nice people, mostly producers again. But also lots of people where, after explaining myself, I’d go “& what do you do?” & they’d say something like “Oh, we’re mainly involved in the circus.”

O my life is a 3-ring circus right now.
There was a firepit & the crowd was welcoming & all in all it was a satisfying end to a very busy week.

The End.
& with that, I went home. Badder but wiser? Oh something like that. Some clever pun! I’m grasping, but you know, grasp for the moon & land among oh something.
Speaking of grasping, I did make contact with Clay Westervelt during the week, I’ll have you know. But we were both so busy we decided we’d just do something later. You know, he was going to Vegas, scouting locations, & I’m already familiar with film sets… maybe he’ll live me some other time.
There were two others. One whose juggling class I did not attend, one who did not return my call. But all in all, I’d say it was a very successful week.
Actually, one of the busiest of all time! The first week that, since I began blogging once weekly, made me regret that decision.
So let’s all give Montana a hand for one of the most complex & thoughtful schedules of the year.
Still, onward, ever upward. I’m in New York. Who knows what next.