Emily, Lived By:

This week was Colors Week. Perhaps predictably, I got all jumbled. I seem to make a mess of the easy weeks.  Also, this week I was recovering from a horrific fall down the rabbit-hole. I’m not sure if you can tell, but last week’s post is positively black with secrets.  It makes Hamlet, Lived By: look like an episode of Frasier or something.  Anyway, back to the rabbit-hole. It took me some time to clamber out.

Very level-headed by now, as I’ve begun Week 21 in earnest.  But enough about that.  You can hear all about that next week.

MONDAY: Yellow/Violet

On Monday my mother was in town.  This posed a problem.  How was I supposed to enjoy fine dining with my mother if I could only eat yellow, violet, & white foods?

Well at least I managed to dress myself.  I wore yellow underwear & a yellow tank top & a yellow necklace & violet socks.  I don’t have yellow pants or anything & anyway, that would have looked gaudy.  I was forbidden to be gaudy.

My mother arrived in the afternoon with her husband & my dog.  I felt much more myself once I had Bella back in my disinterested embrace.

Later we all got dinner.  & I figured out how to do it.  I had lobster tail (white), & filet mignon cooked blue-rare.  You can’t tell me blue & red don’t make violet.  Also some creamed corn (yellow & white).  For dessert?  A good one.  Lemon meringue pie.

I was supposed to consider, all day, how things might be part of a larger plan.  Consider it I did.  With this whole project, it’s kind of hard not to.

I was also supposed to spend an hour on a spiritual activity. I read the Bible.

TUESDAY: Red

On Tuesday (Red day) I got up early to see my mother’s husband read his book to a gang of unruly Jewish teenagers. His book was very funny.

I dressed in black with red underwear a nice camel cashmere coat & a very bright red lipstick.  It was a kind of outdated look but it won me much approval from shopgirls when we went Christmas shopping later.

color is overrated

I had gnocchi with red sauce for lunch & lots of delicious red & white sushi for dinner.

I was also supposed to vigorously start & finish something.  Like have a heart to heart.  With love.

So I caught up with my old boyfriend from high school. Haven’t talked to him in over a year, probably.  I’ll admit it was completely coincidental as I did not carry my directives in the forefront of my mind this week, but it was a good long successful talk.  It ended with the exchange of photographs from the old days & plenty of warm wishes.

WEDNESDAY: Orange

I ate some oranges.  I put on an orange dress with some skinny jeans. I met up with Shannon.  We sat at a large picture window.  I drank beer & ate some salmon chowder.  Shannon had coffee.

then she had some salmon chowder too

The hotel was overlooking the ocean.  Some policemen on horses rode by.

I went home & made some microwavable (orange!) Kraft Dinner.  Ate that & some (white!) microwave popcorn.  & then Shannon rejoined me a little later & we had some cheetos.  & some whiskey.

What did we talk about?  Everything was fine until I stood up.  I walked Shannon to her car & then I walked the dog.  I was supposed to do something creative.  I think — well, & this is hard because everything I do is creative, but — that my creative use of my sense of balance was the most creative of all my activities that day.

THURSDAY: Green

I thought Thursday was supposed to be green but it wasn’t.  I messed it up. I didn’t realize until Friday.  That’s ok, I did a really good job of it anyway.

See, I was feeling homesick for the greatest country on earth because it was Thanksgiving there but in Canada it was just another boring Thursday.  I love holidays, they’re all I live for.  So I decided I’d have a green & white Thanksgiving for two with Shannon in my home. She’s not American, but I don’t hold it against her.  She does have family in Texas, after all.

some folksy hors d'oeuvres

She came, bearing dill pickle chips, mint chip ice cream, & margarita mix, just as I was putting the chicken in the oven.  By the way, I was wearing a green sweater.  Shannon wasn’t wearing any visible green, but she assured me that she had green underwear.  Good enough.

Doesn’t this sound kind of like Thanksgiving on Mars?

it might as well have been

We were starved. We had an hour & a half.  We ate some chips & drank some drink, & the dog made sure the chicken wasn’t going anywhere.

my dog is strictly from hunger

Eventually, just as we were about to collapse, the (white) chicken & (white) potatoes & (green) broccoli were ready.

happy! thanksgiving!

& we sat down & ate & wow.  For whatever reason, it was one of the best meals of my life.  Shannon assures me it was one of the best meals of hers too.  It was probably the most perfect roast chicken ever made & we ate nearly the whole thing between the two of us.

A long while later we had dishes of ice cream.  Mint chip for Shannon, vanilla for me.

If I were to describe our Thanksgiving in three words, it would be crazy, fun, & bold.  Conveniently, my directives had told me to experience the world in just that way.

what do you know

FRIDAY: Blue

Friday was the new blue.  I dressed in it head to toe.  I took a lot of pictures of myself in the mirror to prove it.  I climbed around on the counters.  You like that sort of thing, don’t you?

here is the creepiest one

I got in touch with a good friend who has recently (horror of horrors) quit Facebook.  But everything’s ok & email will do.

Also I ate some blueberry yogurt & drank a blue smoothie & made a meal of (white) chicken with (white) mushrooms in (white) cream sauce.  & bread.

SATURDAY: Indigo

Saturday was my “sabbath.”  I wasn’t allowed to cook or prepare food.  So I ate cold leftover chicken with cream sauce with my hands.  I also drank a purple smoothie.  I didn’t clean, because my life didn’t depend on it.  I dressed head to toe in blue.

Later that night, I went to a party for Lexi, who is going away.  Back to Dallas, the lucky girl!  I wore a blue dress. We played a drinking game.

& i played my cards right

Later that night I met up with Shannon & we went to another going away party.  This one was a glam-themed party & everyone was very dressed up.  So I put on a purple wig.  Xero’s wig.  Remember Clown Week?

Alas, no pictures.  I was, by then, somewhat the worse for the wear.

I made it home, & that was my week.  Uneventful, perhaps, but you know, one lives some weeks more than others.  & the occasional quiet week is always a relief.  God only knows what will become of me next!

Oh friends. Did you miss me? It’s been awhile since I decided that this blog would become a weekly ordeal & not a daily one. I had three days off & then I embarked on my Top Secret Mission.

Spent said days off subbing for Man in the Moon

I think your prayers worked. Late Saturday night I found myself in La Guardia airport. I got a room at the nearby Sheraton & laid awake most of the night pondering the insanity that had driven me there.

Sunday morning someone picked me up. Who? you ask. Who?! you shout. I hear the masses as they clamor for clarity & I will not disappoint.

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.
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Ptolemy Tompkins picked me up. He was getting a parking ticket & he had brought me three pairs of argyle socks.

We enjoyed an awkward two hour ride to Long Island & then I got settled in. You don’t need to hear about that. It was still my day off, after all.

How do you feel about the surprise? Pleased? Delighted? You know I’d never disappoint you.

Anyway, I was being Lived By Shannon & she had this brilliant idea that each morning she would email Ptolemy my daily directives & he would communicate them to me, altering them as he saw fit. I would never know whether the orders he was giving me were his or Shannon’s. The intention was to disarm me completely. I wouldn’t know what my orders were (or who was giving them to me) until the end of the week.

Anyway, woke up on Monday to the following directives. I was to

- read, edit & post Shannon’s schedule
- straighten one shelf of Ptolemy’s books in alphabetical order
- name all his dolls with D names
- wear my hair in a style selected by Ptolemy
- dress entirely in black
- eat a meal of his choice with only a spoon
- stand in downward dog for one full minute

He was also supposed to catch me off guard twice that day. Once, to tell me he needed some time alone & instruct me to take a five minute walk. Another time, he was supposed to tell me to call Shannon immediately & ask her a question of his choice.

Ptolemy has a very interesting house. He has two bedrooms upstairs but he sleeps downstairs on a large leather couch. All the walls are lined with books & they are arranged not by subject or alphabet, but by size. I guess by subject wouldn’t make any sense, since they’re almost all loosely on the Secrets of the Universe. He has an extensive knife collection (one has a handle of mastadon tusk) & several creepy dolls. Well, last week he got to add another creepy doll to his collection!

I thought he’d be good at playing with me, given his demonstrated enthusiasm for the project, but actually he proved a rather lackadaisical puppetmaster in person. Oh, it’s not his fault. He was feeling a little ill. I dressed in black, as per his instructions, & wore my hair down & messy. I read, edited, & posted Shannon’s schedule. He fed me a small quantity of microwaved noodles with a spoon.

Later that night, he went out to some fancy benefit in the city. I stayed in & arranged a shelf of his books in order from largest to smallest. Then I named all his dolls with D names. Dora, Dolly, Darla, & Daniel, if you’re interested.

Playmate

Come out & play with me

The rest of the things, he somehow forgot to tell me. Well, he’s a busy man. While he was gone I drank some of his whiskey & broke a glass.

The next morning, he was supposed to arrange an elaborate scavenger hunt which would end at a strip club or restaurant. Well, we didn’t leave the house. He sent me on a “scavenger hunt” to find his leather jacket & the one thing in his house that would prove he was a creepy & dangerous person.

Sadly, I didn’t find either of those things, not for lack of trying. I’m not good at snooping. I found a big stack of pornographic magazines, but they were displayed in the hallway for anyone to look at! I also found some drawings he had done (Ptolemy, you can draw?) & some old family photos.

He has a nice little sixteen year old schipperke named Mercury who is blind by now. But not so blind that he can’t find steak if you spit it onto the floor beside the table.

When happy he kicks his legs gently in the air

Soon it was time for the third day. It was housewife day. I was supposed to make breakfast with eggs & “if there are no eggs, be very creative.” Creative I was. Asleep in a suitcase, I awoke to Ptolemy laying a plate of five deep-fried taquitos on the floor for my breakfast. It doesn’t get much more creative than that.

This wasn’t part of my directives, but I put on this nice 1940s housedress that I bought recently & really love.

Then I did the dishes, tidied up, & cleaned & organized the cupboards. I’m still so proud of the way I organized his kitchen cupboard. One section was the dog section, one section was the sweets section, one was the dry foods section, one was the tea/health section, & the bottom shelf was devoted to canned goods & soup.

It's not that I'm sentimental

Also, I was supposed to clean the fridge very well, “you know why.” I do know why. It’s because Shannon was looking after my cat & she looked into my fridge, unfortunately for her. Everything in it was rotten & it was full of flies & mold. I hadn’t had the heart to deal with it over the past two months. So she cleaned it for me.

It's just that I'm terrified!

Anyway, I cleaned Ptolemy’s fridge very well. I also “found something around the house that needed to be done & did it” — I organized ALL of his books by size, just like he likes.

This week we really jumped the shark

I planned an outing (we went to the beach) & “made sure my husband was satisfied.” I did a lot of nice things. There were some other orders. I did all the ones he told me.

But he didn’t really tell me all of them. His headache had gotten worse I guess.

The next day I was supposed to imitate everything he did. I was supposed to wear his clothes & eat what he ate & when, drink what he drank & when, smoke what he smoked & when, talk like him, walk like him, & adopt his mannerisms etc. I was supposed to go to a restaurant & order what he might like. A bunch of stuff like that.

Well, I dressed in his clothes for most of the day. We’re not exactly the same size. I wore some of his shorts & a sweater vest & a tie. But eventually that proved impractical. & creepy. So I took a nap without them.

When I woke up we enjoyed a nice chat in which we got to know each other a little better. He was exhausted & didn’t want to take me to the restaurant but he did it anyway. People stared at us because we’re so insanely interesting. I think we might be among the top 100 most interesting non-famous people in the world. I wore his overcoat to the restaurant at his request. He ordered for me. I had the duckling. He had steak & french fries.

The food was appallingly bad. It thrilled me to no end.

Then he was very ill & I stayed up most of the night looking after him. I’m good at looking after sick old men. In fact, it’s what I do best. I made a video but the audio doesn’t work out. Anyway, it’s not very nice to post videos of people sick in bed on the internet.

By the next morning, Shannon realized that Ptolemy was far too sick & laissez-faire about the whole business. None of her carefully worked plans would reach fruition. So she gave us a fairly simple directive. It basically amounted to: “Whatever.”

Look at this stuff, isn't it neat?

I had a thrilling time doing Whatever with my new best friend. I’m absolutely devoted to him & if he jumped off a bridge I would too. Aptly, we watched The Bridge. Also, we ate a lot of steak. & we went to the beach. & I jumped into the leaves in his backyard. I think I saw someone do that once, somewhere.

Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?

Wouldn't you say I'm a girl?

A girl who has everything?

Because Ptolemy has proven such a disappointment to us all, I’ve promised Shannon a make-up week sometime later this year. It won’t disappoint.

Anyway, he read on the couch & I dinnered with Dora (the doll).

Look at this trove

Treasures untold

By the way, if you’re not getting the last six captions, they’re from The Little Mermaid. I just thought I would helpfully point out my brilliant allusions to you.

Anyway, all brilliant illusions must come to an end & the next morning I found myself again directiveless. Ptolemy dropped me off in the city where I met up with TD & we went to the oyster bar in Grand Central Station.

Do you prefer oysters or snails?

We didn’t have time for oysters, alas, so we drank some beer very quickly & then picked up his niece from Japanese school. Spent a long time on the subway & arrived at TD’s brother’s place just in time for the niece’s birthday party. TD & I headed to a nearby bar where I drank the BEST gin/cucumber/mint martini & then went back to the party where I put make-up on a bunch of little girls.

It's hard to say

Then TD & I wandered around Brooklyn for a few hours. We got some beer & some pizza & some oysters & then finished off with a nice French dinner. A bottle of wine & some snails (for good measure) & he had the lamb & I had cassoulet.

Then I was handed off to my friend Dave. We went to another bar & then I spent the night at his place. & then… well then it was my day off. I had a very nice morning in Brooklyn, a few long plane flights, & then I found myself back here.

I’m ankle-deep in Week 20 by now. But I will resist the urge to go on & on & on & you will hear about THAT next Monday. Until then, stay strong. & thanks for keeping me in your prayers. They worked this time. They’ll work again.

By the way, when I talked on the phone to my mother a few weeks ago, she was under the impression that my Top Secret Plan was to go out & marry Ptolemy. Talk about jumping the shark!

p.s. there were pretty chickens in the neighbor’s backyard & the roosters would crow early every morning & often I was still awake & when I heard them I would read Elizabeth Bishop’s “Roosters.”

I have a problem.  & the problem is this.  I can barely bring myself to write this blog post.  Because I am so absolutely paralyzed by my great admiration for men.  This is Admiring Men week & I always take the more psychological directives to heart.

The problem is, I already admire men very much.  When I put all my energy into it, I become rather dangerous.  & by “rather,” I mean, extremely. Anyone who has felt the full force of my adoration might understand.  Please direct any complaints about future heartbreak to Mr. Leidner, as he is responsible for any admiration I may feel for towards you now &, perhaps, to the end of time.

See, I didn’t feel like I was doing anything differently, but I must have been.  Today my inbox, usually empty, swelled near to bursting with emails from men.  Some of them were funny, some of them were angry, some of them were rude, some of them were kind, some of them were admiring, some of them apologetic & I have to say every one of them thrilled me.  I feel the way about men that Walt Whitman felt about himself.  & now I am officially a threat to humanity.

Or maybe I’m just a threat to manity.

I figured I better focus all of this admiration somewhere & decided that Mr. Leidner himself would be an admirable target.  He really clinched it when he sent me a top secret link to a video poem.  I mean, it was seven minutes long in a computer voice & I watched it on the metaphorical edge of my metaphorical seat.  I texted him to let him know I thought he was a genius.  That made him happy.  He texted me back right at the moment when I was thinking “I am, in fact, intimidated by his genius.”  So I told him, let’s see, what did I tell him… I told him: “I was literally just thinking ‘i’m intimidated by his genius.’”  I think that made him happy too.

Then I decided I would read every Tweet this genius had ever written from the bottom up.  Because I can’t admire him enough.  I wanted to read them all & make a top ten list to share with you.  There are over a thousand.  But that’s ok.  I sat there on Twitter clicking More More More for an hour.  I read them backwards & then I read them forwards.  I read some of them aloud.  I laughed & delighted in them.  I looked into his soul.

I pasted every tweet I wanted to share into a Word Document.  But it is over three pages long.

Then I emailed him saying that I was worried that making the list was like picking flowers that wilt after you pluck them.  The Tweets can only be fully appreciated if you read them in exactly the way I did.  He understood.

If you’re sad that you can’t admire me anymore, since I am semi-retiring from the public I (the public I, good & true typo), I suggest you turn your admiration energy into admiring Mark Leidner.  Do what I did & read everything he’s ever posted on Twitter.  Backwards & forwards.

I also admired Ptolemy in a Skype chat.  Now there’s another admirable man.

When I was getting ready to 1. go out & buy a Canadian flag I emailed Mr. Leidner twice from my phone to let him know how much I admired him.  But then I became anxious that my admiration would be irritating.  & I only want to make him happy.  So I stopped admiring him visibly.  I admired him invisibly.  For the rest of the day, I wanted to do things in such a way that they would make him happy.  This was difficult, since I don’t know anything about him, except for the brain part of him, which I now love.

I took to the streets to see what would happen.  I bought a small Canadian flag in a dollar store.  Then I got the man behind the counter to 2. give me a dollar by asking him if he could switch my change into a dollar.  He was a nice Asian man in an apron, about my height, & he smelled like alcohol.  Or maybe that was me. Because he seemed very sober.

He wanted me to take a picture. I never say no to a man I admire.

I gave the dollar to a homeless man in the street.  He’s one of my favorites. I admire the way he asks for change with a calm & cheerful dignity.

I found myself in a vintage store.  I thought maybe I would try to buy an outfit that Mr. Leidner would like & then put it on & send it to him.  But I didn’t know what kind of outfit he would like.  I saw this t-shirt that said “Home of the Walking Air Force INSTRUCTOR Survival School.”  It had a flying tennis shoe on it & it made me think of him.  But then I thought he might find incomprehensible hipster t-shirts irritating?  So I didn’t buy it.

But I knew in my heart of hearts that he would like to see what I look like when I am admiring him.

I hope he admires these spectacles

Then, because I am 3. playing it to the bone I started to feel very weak.  I hadn’t eaten anything since lunch yesterday & it was dark.  I had to go 4. eat something good.  I went to McDonald’s.

But because it’s Canada, I didn’t know this, but I guess in Canada McDonald’s is not good.  I had a Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal but the burger was about 600 years old & the fries were old & they had MSG on them.  It was like the RC Cola of fast food.  Speaking of cola, the Coke was fine.  Coke never disappoints.

Then I went home, & admired men privately with a calm & cheerful dignity like the recipient of my second dollar.

I contacted Braden to see if he wanted a flag.  He said maybe I should give it to his friend Dave.  I met Dave once during Week 4 or something? He came to my party.  I only know three things about Dave but I admire them all.  So he was perfect for the 5. flag ceremony. Dave lives apparently five minutes away from me.  But I’m a woman & I have a terrible sense of direction.  I got lost three times or so. In car, on foot.  It took me about 45 minutes to get there.  Boy do I admire men their sense of direction.

When I got there, Braden & Dave had just finished admiring men themselves.  I performed a dignified flag ceremony in which I 6. told Dave three things I admire about him while waving a flag. Then at the end I bowed humbly & 8. presented it to him. I think he was very touched.

There are 9. pictures, as requested.

I admire you because you speak French

I admire you because you are a horticulturist

& I admire you because you are very good-looking

Men are the best

When I got home, I sat in a stupor.  For a long time.  Admiring men.  Mr. Leidner had sent me a thrilling email & I admired that.  I realized that today I have not corresponded in anyway with anyone who does not have a Y chromosome.  Which is cool, because today was one of the best days of my life.

I realized also, that I almost forgot to make a 10. cartoon in MS Paint.  So I made one for Mr. Leidner, my hero.  It was under his watch that I discovered how to step out of the internet & take the project into its second, much better, phase.

Always.

What’s that, you say?  I’ve left something out?  Yes.  The 11. text to rule them all.  I hate to say it, but I don’t have one.  It was a good idea because this week’s puppetmaster is full of good ideas.  & I fully intended to do it.  But now it is past 2:00am & if I sent the text (because I forgot about it until just now) I might wake a lot of people up.  & I’m sorry, but I think that’s immoral.  & I can’t do things I think are immoral.  The text was going to say, though, “I know, I think I keep sending texts to the wrong person.”

Also, where is my 12. third dollar from a strange man? Well, I have faith in Mark Leidner & I think the dollar is forthcoming.  See, Mark Leidner doesn’t know it yet, but he’s going to send me a dollar in the mail.  It might just be a dollar & a stamp to Canada for him, but for me, it’s priceless.  I want him to write me a note on a dollar & send it in the mail.  & then I want to keep it & cherish it always.  Actually I would like to frame it.  I think it will be worth something some day.  Because (don’t forget, 13. vanity is also a major theme of this week) I think he is going to be famous, & me only slightly less so.  Also, I will send him whatever he asks for in return, so long as it is no more than $2.

I’m confident that the admirable man will come through.  So I’m very pleased with myself.

I know that you might be sad that I am retiring the daily blogging thing, but I promise, you’ll hear from me a week from Monday & you will be thrilled with the secret plan.  I’m so thrilled myself I can barely stand it.  It will be worth the suspense.

There’s something else that I need very much to tell you, but I don’t remember what it is.

But I do want to show you this poem.  It’s a poem by Ivor Cutler & I copied it out into the front of my journal when I was 15.  Part of the reason I admire Mark Leidner so much is because his tweets often remind me of Ivor Cutler.  When you miss me so terribly you can hardly stand it, please console yourselves with this poem.

PRIVATE HABITS

I have private habits. So has everybody. What a relief! They are neither good, nor bad.  I enjoy having them. They are much the same as yours.  Notwithstanding, they will remain private, unless I am tortured by sadists consumed with curiosity.

In conclusion, I love men.

So it’s day 6 of Admiring Men week & I’ve already reached a lot of useful conclusions. You know, like, I’m not going to write a daily blog anymore.  Stuff like that.

Today I was 1. playing it to the bone which means only eating things I have in my pantry.  So all I’ve eaten today was some Korean ramen with two quail eggs.  It was ok.

I spent a lot of time on correspondence.  Since I’m not writing the blog, I have a lot more time & energy to talk to friends.  So that was fun.  I spent hours on it.

I 2. admired men the whole time.  Specifically, I admired Mark Leidner, who is this week’s puppetmaster.  I admired his tweets.  He posts a lot of tweets on Twitter & I must admit he posts so many that at times I find it irritating.

I was going to post a top ten list of my favorite tweets by him, but now I’m too tired.  After that, I was going to post a list of my top ten tweets inspired by him, but I’m too tired.

Here’s my daily 3. MS Paint catoon. I think it might mkae it up to him.

I have a few funny pictures, but I’m too tired.  I promise that tomorrow night, the last night of this blog as we know it. will be very fun & interesting. But at the moment? Nothing much happened today & for goodness’ sake, I’m too tired!!

Just a fun way of telling you why I’m sick of this &, starting next week, blogging just once weekly.

Here’s how Hamlet would sound if I went & lived it & then told you about it in my polite & guileless blog voice.

As you’ll see, it leaves a lot out.  Which leaves ME feeling that I’ve sold out without getting money for it.

HAMLET, Lived By: EmilyLivedBy

DAY 1

& here I am. In Denmark, of all places!  What am I doing in Denmark, readers?  It’s Royalty Week & I came out to visit my dear friend H. & meet his folks.  (King!) Claudius met me at the airport with his wife Gertrude.  Flight was long & the movie was very dull.  But enough about that.

It’s very cold here – can you see our breath in the pictures?  — but landscape is stark & beautiful!

Claud & Gertie drove me back, holding hands in the front seat.  They’re newlyweds, after all & very much in love.  Matching raincoats & so forth.  They got me set up in my room in the castle(!) & introduced me to everyone.

Too many names to remember & also jet-lag. But Ophelia’s here! You remember Ophelia.  I haven’t seen her in MONTHS so we spent a long time catching up about the good old days at Sarah Lawrence.  Doesn’t she look pretty?

Finally met her big brother Laertes & I liked him right away.  Their dad’s here too & he’s very sweet, gave me lots of advice on sightseeing & so forth. H. is of course just the same as always, except he mumbles to himself even more than he used to– probably something to do with being an old man of thirty.  That would explain the new hairstyle, I think. — Bald.

Just kidding H!

Dinner was amazing!  Wish I had pictures.  Long long table & all-you-can-eat lamb chops.  No forks – my kind of place!

Had a walk around the castle with H. after dinner & he showed me the tapestries & things.  He seems a little distracted but he’s always been very mopey & intellectual.  & it’s a busy time around here so everyone’s a little crazy!  I’d explain but I don’t know much about politics.  Had a few drinks with Laertes & Ophelia, lots of fun, & then went to bed.  There are some really creepy sounds out here at night. Probably ghosts. Or demons.  I’m glad I brought the Chancellor in my carry-on as he will certainly protect me.

Bella has been euthanized — & by that I mean she is at my brother’s place.  Sorry, I’m horrible.  I talked to her on the phone but she didn’t have much intelligent to say.

DAY 2

H. is grumpy today & look at the picture!  Somebody needs a new sweater.  But the weather’s not great & everyone’s a little down.

Today I job-shadowed Rosencrantz & Guildenstern!  They’re very witty & I mostly just listen.  I can’t tell you what we did because it was Top Secret.  I can tell you that we called ourselves Jews for Clues.

Some of you have asked about the “relationship” between H. & Ophelia & I , but it’s not that sort of blog, remember?  I tell you what I do, not who I am.  Anyway, I assure you it’s all very wholesome & sweet.

I’m very tired because in the night a lot of actors came.  There’s going to be a play tomorrow.  So after our standard nightly feast (I’ve never had swan before! Hate to say it but it was very good) there was a huge dance party in the dungeon.  H. didn’t come but he’s never liked dancing.

DAY 3

The play was today! The actors were very good, for Danish high school students.  H. tried to tease Ophelia & me by saying some awfully vulgar things, but we didn’t laugh.  The action picked up towards the end & we were all pretty engrossed.  The kids were a little disappointed when Claud missed the standing ovation, but when business calls, business calls – especially for a king!

Other than the play, today was a quiet day.  The other 2/3 of Jews for Clues left to take the boat out, but I wasn’t in the mood.  Hey, I’m royalty!  I can do what I like.

Wish I was spending more time with H. but he’s busy with work.  So Ophelia & I made some garlands of flowers & drank some very good champagne.

DAY 4

Everybody’s spirits are a little damp today.  Ophelia’s dad has been napping most of the day. Laertes doesn’t like this girl stuff, & he’s hanging out with his manly friends (some of whom are very handsome!)  H. continues to be H.

Anyway, it’s not all bad. The weather’s actually sunny today. So Ophelia & I picked some more flowers (aren’t they pretty?) & went swimming in the river.

She stayed longer than me, but I have to write the blog.  I might go join her after this.

DAY 5

Hung out with H. & one of his friends in the graveyard while Ophelia was sleeping.  She’s a sound sleeper, I might add!  Me too.  You could throw me across the room & I’d never wake.  I talked about Clown Week for a while, & then H. told a really funny story about one of his favorite clowns.

Then everyone else came & it got very dramatic!  The blog really isn’t the place for it I think.

But the Chancellor hunted mice in the castle & he caught one!  I got the hunt on video.  Don’t watch it if you’re squeamish, but he’s catching the mouse in a very fancy hallway & at a couple minutes in there’s a blur that looks like a ghost! Spooky.

Met Osric for the first time.  Now there’s a guy who has something nice to say about everyone!

I wish I had more to tell you about today, but it’s very quiet here.  Once we got back from the graveyard, there was some arguing about politics, & everyone left.  So I came up here to write my blog.

Since then I didn’t really do much of anything (royalty sure has it rough!), I’ll show you these pictures of the castle & grounds.

Look at the foliage! & here are some of the flower wreaths hanging on the end of my bed.  & a pantry to die for –  I’d play it to the bone (remember Week 18?) here any day.

After I’m done with this blog entry, I think I’ll go find Ophelia.  Tomorrow’s my day off, at last.  See you on the other side!

FIN.

Today was Day 5 of Appreciating Men day.  Terrible insomnia made it a little difficult to do.  Was up most of the night!  Lay away (good typo) awake from 3-5.  Got out of bed.  Wrote some (very good) poetry, a little delirious.  Made a 1. cartoon in MS Paint.  It’s me thinking up a new ungoogleable.  It’s ungoogleable, I checked, but I already posted one today & I have a strict one-a-day rule unless it’s New Years.

I’ll just slip it into this post somewhere.  & it will be mine.

Then I went back to bed around 10.  Very happy, because my secret plan is going to work.  By the way, my mother called me today with an absolutely preposterous guess.  I can’t tell you what it was as it has the absurdity of the real secret beat.  If the real secret is a bear, my mother’s imagined secret is an army of killer aliens, & we all know who would win that fight.

I woke up later in the afternoon & felt very weak.  I had to go out & eat something.  I’ve only caved with this whole 2. playing it to the bone when I got movie popcorn, which I don’t think really counts.  But today I was, you know, shaky.  Muttering phrases like “long is the ladder & lengthening shortly” to myself in the streets (no I couldn’t find anywhere to work it in).  It was time to get 3. good food. I had some soup & spring rolls & a coke.

4. Appreciated men in all sorts of ways.  Plenty of ways. Smart ways. Insightful ways. Witty ways. Outrageous ways. Some of you might think me remarkably shallow, but that’s only because I like to keep my daily insights to myself.  I would like to use them someday in a more intelligent setting, like the great masterpiece I am bound inevitably to write.  If I told you them here, everyone would know them & the secret would be out.  It would take all the fun out of telling you all I’ve learned through careful metaphors & so on.

Along these dreary lines, as some of you know, I’m restructuring the blog.  It has gradually taken over the project & I’ve realized it is, in fact, detracting from the project.  When I devote so much energy to the blog, not only is there a consistent thread running through the year (something I wanted very much to avoid), but it prevents me from really inhabiting each week. Increasingly, I’m forced to spend several hours a day on blog logistics, you know, leaving parties early, missing sleep & sometimes even directives to write it.  All the chatter & time on the internet is getting in in the way of the real art.

I also have very little time for thinking things through with private writing, something which I’ve realized is absolutely essential if I want to get much out of this year.  The blog forces everything to be constrained by politeness & I feel as if it is beginning to hijack reality.

Do you want to know how?

I had a good idea when I was eating my soup.  I could get my 5. paragraph on appreciating men & my 6. paragraph on vanity out of the way simultaneously!  I could also amuse my puppetmaster by going far above & certainly beyond the call of duty.  & I could ALSO simulate for you guys, in an entertaining way, just what it might feel like if you were me, & all sorts of interesting, troubling things were happening to you & the people around you, & you were compelled each night to write about it in an amusing, polite way on the internet, trying to tell the truth while avoiding hurt feelings.

So I’ve rewritten Hamlet as a tribute to Shakespeare.  It’s very vain to rewrite Hamlet.  I’ve written it Emily, Lived By: style.  This is what the blog would probably have to sound like if I were there.  After you read it, think. Which one is the great tragic masterpiece?  & you’ll see what I mean.

Hopefully, it will also be funny. Hold it, I’m vain. Hamlet, Lived By: EmilyLivedBy is such a work of comical in-joke genius that if I didn’t know better I would swear it had been written by a man.  I’m going to post it right after this entry.  It deserves its own post.

REGARDING THE FUTURE OF THE BLOG:

I’m going to continue to blog daily this week. After Wednesday, the blog will consist of a once weekly summary.  I’ve worked straight through some national holidays, so I’m taking three days off starting Thursday.  In the future, all weeks will be posted in a single entry on Saturday night or Sunday during the day.  You can have all the comment conversations you like throughout the week on that entry. Or anywhere else you like.  Twitter will continue.  So will YouTube.  I will update the FAQ & so on accordingly, when I get around to it.  & everything will be fine.

Really, I have a bearable feeling about this.

I’ve just woken up from a gratifying little nap.  I hope you haven’t been waiting too long.

Today was the 3rd day of Appreciating Men Week & I handled it quite well.  I sat around all morning & 1. appreciated men, I don’t really remember how.  One thing I did was touch up my recommendation for a former (male) student & made it even more appreciative.

I’m reading Flight from the Enchanter now but I haven’t found it very engrossing.

Then I went to Paranormal Activity with Braden.

We parked in Stall 13 again.

In case you didn't believe me

There’s something I’m discovering this late at night.  Well, early in the morning, I guess.  My neighbors put their blinds down to go to sleep (&/or wake up).  This is very unsettling to me.  It’s the first time I’ve looked across the street & been confronted with a long row of shut eyes. How will I ever appreciate men this way?

Before I went to the movie, don’t get frightened, I 2. played it to the bone some more.  I ate four oranges so I’m getting all my Vitamin C.

Anyway, as for the movie, here’s what I I thought of it.  I 3. made a cartoon in MS Paint.

Read demon comment 1, then emily comment, then demon comment 2.  That’s how God & I intended it.

Braden liked it.  For something that was like a drama school exercise with absolutely no research I thought it was pretty good.  I’m glad they were very successful with such a low budget, it gives me hope of my own.

When I was at the movie, I ate some popcorn.  So I wasn’t exactly playing it to the bone but I felt 4. weak so I went out to eat something terrific or fantastic or exciting, or whatever adjective my puppetmaster Mark used when he told me what I should do.

Then I got home from the movie & demons had wrenched off the handle of my apartment building.

Get thee behind me!

But I managed to get in, though it was very wobbly.

Once home, I corresponded with a friend regarding the topic of demons for several hours.  & I learned very much.

After my day off, this will probably turn fun & funny.  I will have to wear pants more, as I will have to ask men for money in the street (on second thought…), also the flag ceremony is coming up & I must decide who I should honor with my flag.  & whether it should be American or not.  For now, though, I can only give you a 5. paragraph on vanity & a 6. paragraph on admiring men.

VANITY

It gratifies me to know that you have read down to the very bottom, even though I very obviously have nothing to say & have only gotten up in the night for a glass of water after completely forgetting about the blog altogether.

MEN

I admire men because I would be nothing without them (literally). I can always rely on men to settle my head & swear at me. If there were a man here, he would not have let me go to bed with my coat & shoes on.  & if I wanted some kind of food very much, it’s likely he would bring it to me.  A woman would never bring you french fries if you cried.  I mean, I suspect that a man would.  I’ve never tested it.

Hello, friends.  You have caught me at an exciting & momentous moment.  I just put on pants for the first time today.  In fact, since it is after midnight, I just put on pants for the first time tomorrow.  I was so busy Admiring Men that I had no time to put on pants.

The directives are so lax this week that I spent all day in bed or crouching on the floor of the empty spare bedroom. Hard on the knees, good for the soul.  I read some (finished The Bell, started another) & slept plenty (dreams to spare) & also, oh yes, 1. made a cartoon in MS Paint.

voila!

It didn’t have to be good, only 2. true.

I’m having a hard time writing this post as a loud explosion went off & the dog is sitting in my lap.  She’s a very large dog & she’s trembling mightily.  I have my right arm hooked around her back & my left arm between her front legs & my chin is resting on her lower back so my head is inclined very far to the right.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to convince her to take her nightly walk. Looks like she’s waiting until tomorrow & I put these pants on for no reason at all.

Though I suppose I’m glad to be wearing pants since a large dog is sitting on my lap.

I briefly attempted to find a good psychologist but there clearly aren’t any.  I will continue this journey alone & untampered with.  I’ll let you be my psychologists for now.

The dog doesn’t remember why she’s frightened but she hasn’t moved.  Maybe tomorrow it will be sunny & I can take her for a nice long walk in the daylight.

Anyway, admiring men.  Here’s 3. a paragraph on why I admire men.

Men are the only people who are truly susceptible to my considerable charm.  Whenever I’m stuck in a new city & I can’t find any friends, I can always rely on men to become friends with me for awhile.  Men are delightfully uncomplicated & predictable.  If I want them to do something, I can generally rely on them to do what I want.  The nice thing about men, too, is that if I can’t get them to do what I want, I only like them better.  I don’t feel that way about women.

So that’s behind us.  But I really did 4. admire men all day for a host of other reasons.  I spent a long time admiring, for example, “Zombie Boy” a man who is in the process of getting a full body tattoo so that he may resemble a zombie.  His mother didn’t understand it at first, but it sounds like she came around.  I read the linked interview five times today.

As for vanity, I need to 5. write a paragraph on my own vanity each day too.

Vanity, I believe, is one of the seven deadlies?  But it helps make life worth living.  Today, for example, I posted a status update on Facebook that read: “help me for the love of god i’ve been trapped inside emily zinnemann for 25 years” & I found it most gratifying that I received a considerable response.

Four people Like it, not including myself, & I have nine comments.  I didn’t anticipate such a response & this makes me feel good & interesting & clever.

Since we were on the topic of vanity & so forth, I decided to make a little video for you.  It’s a video of one of my funny poems, called “A Poem for the Children.”  It seems thematically relevant, after zombie boy.

You might find the single candle rather macabre & pretentious, but I assure you it was just sitting there & there’s no other light source in this room.  So it was the candle or darkness & I picked the more reasonable option.

Anyway, I didn’t make it to FedEx in time to send off my recommendation, but I’m doing it tomorrow.  Justin, if you’re out there, you’ll get the recommendation very soon.  I’ll send it tomorrow.  Never fear.

Meanwhile, I was supposed to be 6. playing it to the bone (how appropriate) & I certainly did.  I ate nothing at all today, nothing at all.  Towards the end of the night I ate a few salt & pepper potato chips.

Today I woke up from a very interesting dream.  I dreamed I was staying at Ptolemy’s house when he wasn’t there & a man named Breaker came from the BBC.  He was Irish, & he had a handlebar moustache, & he thought I was the housekeeper & he had come to tell Ptolemy that he was out of green post-its & he gave me a business card wrapped in newspaper.  Ptolemy had a candy dish with a picture of a banana on it.  I don’t remember the rest.  Oh yeah I had a beehive hairdo.  I noticed it in the mirror & thought to myself “I answered the door like this? How embarassing.”

It may or may not surprise you that I often have funny dreams involving bananas.  A little while ago I had a dream that Freud gave me a banana bumper sticker with the written instructions: “Do not affix with teeth or scissors.”

Anyway I woke up from my dream & then nothing very fun happened.  I put on some old exercise pants & a bright blue tank top & then added a magenta pashmina & an old brown cashmere sweater for warmth.  I wasn’t GOING anywhere, after all.  This is Appreciating Men week & I think I can do that from the comfort of my own home.  Can’t I?

This week I’m also supposed to be 1. playing it to the bone which means I can’t eat out or buy groceries unless I absolutely have to.  So I went through my apartment & took an inventory of all the edible food.  Everything in the refrigerator has gone rotten & it is full of flies so I didn’t count any of that. Here’s what I had this morning.

• 4 orange lollipops
• 4 yellow lollipops
• 1 red lollipop
• bag of sushi rice
• old Honey Almond Flax Kashi
• various condiments & spices
• half box of Froot Loops
• some tortigliani & some broken lasagna noodles
• two packets Korean ramen — mystery flavors
• some quinoa
• some oats
• dried soy nuts
• two kinds of tea
• buckwheat flour
• cornmeal
• marshmallows (stale)
• ancient dried prunes
• ancient dried apricots
• anchovies
• tofu
• blackberry jam
• 1 lemon
• 8 mandarin oranges — edible?
• 18 quail eggs
• chocolate ice cream
• seaweed
• salt & pepper potato chips

Most of it’s obviously leftover & project related.

I 2. appreciated men throughout.  I’m VERY appreciative of men, in case you haven’t noticed, & it was nice to have an excuse to do it more. I thought about how men seem to have favorite colors & women don’t. After I was done taking inventory I appreciated Orson Welles for a long time on YouTube.  I also appreciated him on Wikipedia, where I discovered he had a daughter named Christopher, which I think is a very nice name for a little girl.  I almost appreciated Marlene Dietrich for awhile, but stopped myself in the nick of time.

I made myself a pot of rice & some tea & then ate the rice & drank the tea & scraped the burned pieces out of the pot with my fingernails & ate those too.  Scraping the burnt bits out entertained me for hours.  By then I had added a red velvet dressing gown to my stunning ensemble.

My secret plan is still in serious jeopardy & I very much appreciate your prayers.  I tried not to fret too much.

Anyway while I panicked (& outside it was raining & raining) I 3. made a cartoon in the Mac version of MS Paint.  I based it on one of the posts from my REAL blog, the blog of ungoogleable phrases.

in the beginning was the word? / & the word was ... fear?

Mark said it doesn’t have to be good, only 4. true.  & it’s VERY true. Profoundly.

This was my ungoogleable from January 17 of this year.  & now it’s time for my 5. paragraph or so on vanity.

I started the ungoogleable blog sometime last winter.  Sometimes I google things in quotation marks to see what turns up.  Lots of phrases I google turn up with no results, like “alphabet soup is disgusting” or “frown lines are sexy.”  Those were some early ones.  Pre-ungoogleable-blog.

Then I googled “Is a ghost resetting my thermostat?” very sincerely & nothing came up. That’s when I realized that Google is the new prayer.  The closest suggestion, using Google’s predictive feature, was “Is a ghost following me?” & I realized that that was the real question I was asking.  The cool thing about Google is it allows you to kind of see everyone else’s prayers, & the popularity of them, due to the predictive feature.  Zero people have written the phrase “is a ghost resetting my thermostat” but 57,500,000 have written “is a ghost following me.”  Do you see where I’m going?

You ask Google a question & it answers you.  If the question is really cryptic, it answers you in a roundabout way.  For example, I once googled “If you don’t like pretty girls you won’t like me” & Google responded, snidely, “If you don’t like the weather wait.”

Maybe this doesn’t sound vain yet, but what I decided to do was write down every time I googled something ungoogleable, & then put it in the blog with its nearest googleable equivalent.  That meant it was like I was staking my claim on the idea, sort of, & also instantly making the phrase googleable. The little slogan I have attached to the blog is “If an idea is googleable, it isn’t worth thinking.”

NOW if you google, for example, “Nothing a beer with the president can’t fix” — you find me.  I clearly invented it.

I’m particularly fond of puns & I have 36 posts tagged with “pun.”

Look at some of the excellent puns I’ve made!  In order of appearance:

• I’d know id by now
• I put the oy in joy
• I’m a fraud among men
• There’s always doom for one more
• I meet guys like you for breakfast
• Sometimes I feel like a rad person
• A thing with tethers that lurches in the soul
• I miss you bearably
• Defriending my thesis
• I’m desperate for mail attention
• Get a spousekeeper
• I want to be lived by you
• I put the lavish in slavish
• Frankly, I couldn’t wear less

I always follow each phrase with its googleable equivalent & then, generally, some witty remark.  It makes me feel very important & powerful & clever.  I used to check the stats compulsively every day & see how people found me.  It was very funny.  After I googled “profession & penis size” & it came up ungoogleable, I started to get a lot more hits.

It’s the ultimate exercise in vanity, I think, especially since the blog is called Emily Zinnemann’s Blog of Ungoogleable Phrases.  I intend to continue it until I expire in 2012.  Feel free to submit your own.

I take submissions.

Well that went on for an awfully long time.  But that’s what you get when you ask me to be vain.  I’ve been holding that in for ages, probably.

Anyway, after I made my cartoon I realized I needed to go to Elfsar to pick up a package.  One of my former students needs a recommendation.  The comic store closed in half an hour!  I threw on a raincoat & put my hair in a ponytail.  Sure, my outfit was ridiculous but I wouldn’t be out in public for long enough to take off my coat or anything.

Ran out into the rain & Omar had my package & then we talked for awhile. He’s broken all of his fingers & stuff like that.  Omar’s still really dreamy so it helped me appreciate men, even men who work at comic book stores.  ESPECIALLY men who work at comic book stores.

You don't have to go home but you can't stay here

He had to close the store.  But we weren’t done talking!  He was giving me safety advice, I really admire that about men.  Then we decided to go on a romantic date.  I stayed while he closed the store.

The oldest story in the book

Then we went to a bar & we got some beer.  This is like the third time I’ve met Omar he’s actually a total stranger but we had fun. I asked him if he was a stranger & he said yes.  He said that he only gives me my mail & shows me comic books.  Wait, pornographic comic books.

He ordered nachos.  I told him I couldn’t get food because I was playing it to the bone but he said I could eat his scraps.  He’s a serious gentleman. God I love Omar & men in general.

I told Omar all about my top secret plan & he prayed for me too.  There was a candle with Jesus on it & Omar said a prayer in Spanish.

I needed to get a stranger to 6. give me a dollar so before we left we played rock paper scissors.  The score was like this:

Round 1: Omar

Round 2: Emily

Round 3: Tie

Round 4: Emily

Obviously, I won.  He gave me a filthy loonie.  Once we were outside I 7. took a picture of it.

Trailing clouds of glory

Then I wanted a picture with HIM in it, because I admire him so much.

For saints have hands that pilgrims palms do touch

& then I had forgotten my umbrella.  Omar, as I mentioned earlier, is a gentleman, & he went back to the bar & got it for me.  I hung out in the 7-11.  It was full of prostitutes who were very pretty, except for their faces, & there was a girl wearing a face mask.  I think she was afraid of swine flu, loser!  Then the prostitutes started making fun of her face mask which was even weirder.  They were like “Omg, what is she wearing?!” but they were wearing underwear & hooker shoes.  It’s all relative I suppose.

The prostitutes in Vancouver are very beautiful, as I’ve said before.

Anyway, that’s all.  I’m going to make a comic of me picking up my Elfsar package tomorrow or some other time, because I’m tired.  I never said I’d always do it on the same day now, did I?  Please keep praying for me, I want my secret plan to work.

Admiring men is fun. I’m going to keep it up.

Today was my last day of being lived by the inimitable Andrew Zimmern & I fused all my directives together seamlessly & went through the day with remarkable poise & grace, if I do say so myself.  It was a beautiful day & a very good day, & very well-spent — until the end when everything went, as the British say, pear-shaped. That had nothing to do with the week, since I’m thrilled that I got to live this week. It’s just the future.

See, I’ve been very excited about this top-secret plan I have for the project & now the secret plan might fall apart & I feel as though Christmas has been cancelled & am very crushed & heartbroken.  I want to try my hardest not to let that heartbreak seep into tonight’s post but I would like you to all pray for me.  I don’t believe in prayer but — remember religion week? –  there’s a little fundamentalist Christian inside me who does.  So your prayers couldn’t hurt, even if you don’t believe in them either.  This is what I would like you to do: close your eyes & whisper three times “Please let Emily’s secret plan work!” Faith will see us through, I think!  It’s a plan which promises to delight & you want to be delighted just as much as I want to delight you.

You may pray for me as many times as you wish.

Enough of this voodoo & back to the lovely day.

I stayed in bed late & dreamed & dreamed.  Then around noon I jumped out & dressed hastily & went downstairs to collect Braden who was outside.  We drove to the Capilano suspension bridge to 1. face one of my greatest fears — my fear of heights.

I hate the word

One of the things I really like about this project is that I get to be a tourist in my own city.  Fortunately for me, Braden likes that too. It was kind of like Disneyland but no lines. We got in at a discount because we’re BC residents & now we also have a free year’s membership & we can go back whenever we want!  Thrills.

And what do you think we saw?

It was cute, they have all these little touristy things when you go in.  Over-priced fudge & Cowichan sweaters, low-budget historical dioramas.  It certainly eased the nerves.

I've always had a thing for older men

Also in the gift shop they had a wicker basket full of something called Beaver Breath Mints.  I wonder how popular they are?  I like to imagine very.

Anyway, it was time to get down to the business at hand & cross the long swaying bridge between the cliffs.

Remember, I'll always live you

It was very high up but for some reason not so scary.  That was a little disappointing, I’m very afraid of heights & I wanted it to be really scary.  I think I pictured it being more rickety, with thin wooden slats that you could see through when you looked down.  But instead it seemed very sturdy & reliable.  Sometime when I have more time & money I’m going to do something really terrifying, & I will think of Andrew Zimmern when I do.

I walked to the center of the bridge & it was very pretty.  Very high up.

Beautiful, British Columbia!

If thought I would be more frightened. I had the money, I might’ve gone sky-diving instead.  I don’t know if I would be physically capable of doing it & that’s why I would’ve tried.

I tried to make myself afraid.

This worked a little bit

I need to buy some new shoes, don’t I.

We reached the other side safely.

There was a little pond full of trout & Braden tried to get them to nibble his fingers.

I'll be the Echo to his Narcissus any day.

No bites, though the fish were curious.  It made me awfully hungry.  Then we found a lot of other wooden bridges in the treetops.

Stay gold, Ponyboy

It was be you tifull.

I went to the middle of a bridge & jumped up & down a lot to make it more scary.

If I fall, would you catch me?

It looks like I’m holding the railings but I’m not. & then we kept walking.  We had this conversation:

ME: I love the woods, I’d could sit in them all day.

BRADEN: Me too.

ME: So long as I had a sandwich.

BRADEN: & a blanket.

ME: Oh yes, a blanket! & some tea.

BRADEN: Yeah, & a book. Wait, do you know what would be perfect? A portable DVD player.

& then we realized what we were saying & laughed.  Insert laughter.

We continued to wander.

Nature's first green is gold

There were little educational signs posted everywhere too. A beetle landed on Braden’s head.  We discussed Socrates & pederasty in ancient Greece.  There was also this little puzzle where you learn the life span of various animals, I’m not sure why.

A bear lives 27 years.

Speaking of bears, Braden is growing a moustache for prostate cancer awareness.  Also, bats live thirty years.  I think that’s horrible.  It’s not that I don’t like bats, because I do, but it’s horrible to think that there are bats older than me out there.

We wandered some more, crossed the bridge again, & headed out to find some sushi.  Those trout made me really hungry.

The sushi we found was terrible but very cheap.  The man eating beside us was a very bad person.  Sometimes you can just tell.

We drove back into the city & I took Braden back to his new house.  He lives with party planners now or something & the house if beautifully decorated.  I asked him if he had any athletic equipment.  I needed to 2. try a sport I’ve never tried.  As luck would have it, Braden has an antique discus.

How COOL!

We went into a back alley & he gave me a little tutorial.  You have to spin around to get leverage & throw it as hard as you can.

Twist (& shout)

He went first & then I went, & there are lots of pictures but this is already a really long post.  When I went, I threw it even FARTHER!

Her hardest hue to hold

You can see all the pictures on Facebook.  Wait, I’m not Facebook friends with you.  Anyway, I went twice.

Let's not discus this further

Then we cuddled up inside with black cat Samantha Morgan.  & watched some TV.  I haven’t seen TV in MONTHS!  I’m trying to remember the last time I watched TV.  It must’ve been July on the drive out here.  Mariah Carey was on Ellen & she was wearing a short low-cut dress with her stockings showing.  It was kind of sad.

Nothing gold can stay.

Then I went to 3. eat dinner alone without a prop at 4. Ouisi’s.  It’s a Cajun restaurant.  I got there around 5:30 & it was pretty empty & I was a little embarassed to eat alone but it wasn’t so bad as I thought.

I ordered the 5. gator bites & a glass of white wine while Elvis sang “Fools Rush In.”  I was excited to try alligator but I don’t know if it was my thing exactly.  It tasted like chicken thigh meat, but more fishy, with the texture of pork.  First time I’ve ever eaten reptile!  It came in a nice tomato-based spicy sauce that I liked very much, but I think I would’ve found the alligator itself more palatable if it were deep-fried.  It seems like the sort of meat that should be fried.

This man had stopped in for a post-work drink.

I ate maybe 1/4 of it (turning my tastebuds off after the third piece) & then got it wrapped up to go.  I was going to bring some home for the dog but then I decided to leave it by a trash can instead, in case some person would like to eat it. People are more important than dogs.

Once I was home I talked on the phone to TD which was very nice since I haven’t spoken to him since I left Michigan.

& then shortly after that I got my awful news.  But you’re praying for me, right? The top secret plan will work! It must work.  Pray hard.

I consoled myself by watching YouTube videos of Filipino prisoners performing dance routines.  I only have one more directive to complete.  After I write this post, I’m going to 5. contact one of my heroes.  Who, you might ask?  Andrew Zimmern, of course.  I would try to get him on the phone but it’s far too late for that.  I intend to write him a heartfelt Thank You note for choreographing this week.

Then I will take the dog for a walk & then I will wake up a new girl, with a new mission.  Next week’s schedule is up.  It’s Admiring Men week, & this always comes naturally to me. I can’t wait to admire the heck out of them. I’m very excited about the flag ceremony in particular.