Oh friends. Did you miss me? It’s been awhile since I decided that this blog would become a weekly ordeal & not a daily one. I had three days off & then I embarked on my Top Secret Mission.
Spent said days off subbing for Man in the Moon
I think your prayers worked. Late Saturday night I found myself in La Guardia airport. I got a room at the nearby Sheraton & laid awake most of the night pondering the insanity that had driven me there.
Sunday morning someone picked me up. Who? you ask. Who?! you shout. I hear the masses as they clamor for clarity & I will not disappoint.
.
.
.
Ptolemy Tompkins picked me up. He was getting a parking ticket & he had brought me three pairs of argyle socks.
We enjoyed an awkward two hour ride to Long Island & then I got settled in. You don’t need to hear about that. It was still my day off, after all.
How do you feel about the surprise? Pleased? Delighted? You know I’d never disappoint you.
Anyway, I was being Lived By Shannon & she had this brilliant idea that each morning she would email Ptolemy my daily directives & he would communicate them to me, altering them as he saw fit. I would never know whether the orders he was giving me were his or Shannon’s. The intention was to disarm me completely. I wouldn’t know what my orders were (or who was giving them to me) until the end of the week.
Anyway, woke up on Monday to the following directives. I was to
- read, edit & post Shannon’s schedule
- straighten one shelf of Ptolemy’s books in alphabetical order
- name all his dolls with D names
- wear my hair in a style selected by Ptolemy
- dress entirely in black
- eat a meal of his choice with only a spoon
- stand in downward dog for one full minute
He was also supposed to catch me off guard twice that day. Once, to tell me he needed some time alone & instruct me to take a five minute walk. Another time, he was supposed to tell me to call Shannon immediately & ask her a question of his choice.
Ptolemy has a very interesting house. He has two bedrooms upstairs but he sleeps downstairs on a large leather couch. All the walls are lined with books & they are arranged not by subject or alphabet, but by size. I guess by subject wouldn’t make any sense, since they’re almost all loosely on the Secrets of the Universe. He has an extensive knife collection (one has a handle of mastadon tusk) & several creepy dolls. Well, last week he got to add another creepy doll to his collection!
I thought he’d be good at playing with me, given his demonstrated enthusiasm for the project, but actually he proved a rather lackadaisical puppetmaster in person. Oh, it’s not his fault. He was feeling a little ill. I dressed in black, as per his instructions, & wore my hair down & messy. I read, edited, & posted Shannon’s schedule. He fed me a small quantity of microwaved noodles with a spoon.
Later that night, he went out to some fancy benefit in the city. I stayed in & arranged a shelf of his books in order from largest to smallest. Then I named all his dolls with D names. Dora, Dolly, Darla, & Daniel, if you’re interested.
Playmate
Come out & play with me
The rest of the things, he somehow forgot to tell me. Well, he’s a busy man. While he was gone I drank some of his whiskey & broke a glass.
The next morning, he was supposed to arrange an elaborate scavenger hunt which would end at a strip club or restaurant. Well, we didn’t leave the house. He sent me on a “scavenger hunt” to find his leather jacket & the one thing in his house that would prove he was a creepy & dangerous person.
Sadly, I didn’t find either of those things, not for lack of trying. I’m not good at snooping. I found a big stack of pornographic magazines, but they were displayed in the hallway for anyone to look at! I also found some drawings he had done (Ptolemy, you can draw?) & some old family photos.
He has a nice little sixteen year old schipperke named Mercury who is blind by now. But not so blind that he can’t find steak if you spit it onto the floor beside the table.
When happy he kicks his legs gently in the air
Soon it was time for the third day. It was housewife day. I was supposed to make breakfast with eggs & “if there are no eggs, be very creative.” Creative I was. Asleep in a suitcase, I awoke to Ptolemy laying a plate of five deep-fried taquitos on the floor for my breakfast. It doesn’t get much more creative than that.
This wasn’t part of my directives, but I put on this nice 1940s housedress that I bought recently & really love.
Then I did the dishes, tidied up, & cleaned & organized the cupboards. I’m still so proud of the way I organized his kitchen cupboard. One section was the dog section, one section was the sweets section, one was the dry foods section, one was the tea/health section, & the bottom shelf was devoted to canned goods & soup.
It's not that I'm sentimental
Also, I was supposed to clean the fridge very well, “you know why.” I do know why. It’s because Shannon was looking after my cat & she looked into my fridge, unfortunately for her. Everything in it was rotten & it was full of flies & mold. I hadn’t had the heart to deal with it over the past two months. So she cleaned it for me.
It's just that I'm terrified!
Anyway, I cleaned Ptolemy’s fridge very well. I also “found something around the house that needed to be done & did it” — I organized ALL of his books by size, just like he likes.
This week we really jumped the shark
I planned an outing (we went to the beach) & “made sure my husband was satisfied.” I did a lot of nice things. There were some other orders. I did all the ones he told me.
But he didn’t really tell me all of them. His headache had gotten worse I guess.
The next day I was supposed to imitate everything he did. I was supposed to wear his clothes & eat what he ate & when, drink what he drank & when, smoke what he smoked & when, talk like him, walk like him, & adopt his mannerisms etc. I was supposed to go to a restaurant & order what he might like. A bunch of stuff like that.
Well, I dressed in his clothes for most of the day. We’re not exactly the same size. I wore some of his shorts & a sweater vest & a tie. But eventually that proved impractical. & creepy. So I took a nap without them.
When I woke up we enjoyed a nice chat in which we got to know each other a little better. He was exhausted & didn’t want to take me to the restaurant but he did it anyway. People stared at us because we’re so insanely interesting. I think we might be among the top 100 most interesting non-famous people in the world. I wore his overcoat to the restaurant at his request. He ordered for me. I had the duckling. He had steak & french fries.
The food was appallingly bad. It thrilled me to no end.
Then he was very ill & I stayed up most of the night looking after him. I’m good at looking after sick old men. In fact, it’s what I do best. I made a video but the audio doesn’t work out. Anyway, it’s not very nice to post videos of people sick in bed on the internet.
By the next morning, Shannon realized that Ptolemy was far too sick & laissez-faire about the whole business. None of her carefully worked plans would reach fruition. So she gave us a fairly simple directive. It basically amounted to: “Whatever.”
Look at this stuff, isn't it neat?
I had a thrilling time doing Whatever with my new best friend. I’m absolutely devoted to him & if he jumped off a bridge I would too. Aptly, we watched The Bridge. Also, we ate a lot of steak. & we went to the beach. & I jumped into the leaves in his backyard. I think I saw someone do that once, somewhere.
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you say I'm a girl?
A girl who has everything?
Because Ptolemy has proven such a disappointment to us all, I’ve promised Shannon a make-up week sometime later this year. It won’t disappoint.
Anyway, he read on the couch & I dinnered with Dora (the doll).
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
By the way, if you’re not getting the last six captions, they’re from The Little Mermaid. I just thought I would helpfully point out my brilliant allusions to you.
Anyway, all brilliant illusions must come to an end & the next morning I found myself again directiveless. Ptolemy dropped me off in the city where I met up with TD & we went to the oyster bar in Grand Central Station.
Do you prefer oysters or snails?
We didn’t have time for oysters, alas, so we drank some beer very quickly & then picked up his niece from Japanese school. Spent a long time on the subway & arrived at TD’s brother’s place just in time for the niece’s birthday party. TD & I headed to a nearby bar where I drank the BEST gin/cucumber/mint martini & then went back to the party where I put make-up on a bunch of little girls.
It's hard to say
Then TD & I wandered around Brooklyn for a few hours. We got some beer & some pizza & some oysters & then finished off with a nice French dinner. A bottle of wine & some snails (for good measure) & he had the lamb & I had cassoulet.
Then I was handed off to my friend Dave. We went to another bar & then I spent the night at his place. & then… well then it was my day off. I had a very nice morning in Brooklyn, a few long plane flights, & then I found myself back here.
I’m ankle-deep in Week 20 by now. But I will resist the urge to go on & on & on & you will hear about THAT next Monday. Until then, stay strong. & thanks for keeping me in your prayers. They worked this time. They’ll work again.
By the way, when I talked on the phone to my mother a few weeks ago, she was under the impression that my Top Secret Plan was to go out & marry Ptolemy. Talk about jumping the shark!
p.s. there were pretty chickens in the neighbor’s backyard & the roosters would crow early every morning & often I was still awake & when I heard them I would read Elizabeth Bishop’s “Roosters.”
I’m feeling a lot better now.
As am I.
i’m glad you’re feeling better.
but ptolemy,
WHERE IS YOUR FAN CLUB?
do you think they’re boycotting? i thought sheri et al would have so much to say about this.
i mean, i did it for THEM.
Why does Emily insist on making everyone she writes about seem so… WEIRD?
Well you have to consider the material she has to work with…
Of course that said, I have to wonder what would happen if she stayed with me. She’d be talking about endless pancakes for breakfast, her cousin Sam’s fascination with reptiles, bugs and dinosaurs, her cousin Claire’s fixation on Elmo, the odd lack of a TV, and the weird opinions her aunt and uncle have. I’m sure we’d come off as endlessly strange.
And the fact that I’m starting at Google in January would likely be omitted.
Also, the “pornography” is Playboys from the sixties and old copies of Spy Magazine. And the whiskey is for guests. Why, again, does Emily insist on making everyone she writes about seem so generally… SUSPECT? I hope my employers at the Federal Aviation Commission don’t end up reading this.
Not only do you have pornography, but the pictures are all of people who are now OLD???
Talk about reality not matching fantasy!
This post felt authentic..not that the daily posts lacked authenticity…but you could sense in them, your mounting frustrations. They didn’t detour me though from tuning in…instead just caused me to wonder what course the project might take. Certainly though, today’s entry makes me think I’ll be looking forward to more Mondays and Mondays more!
I thoroughly enjoyed the first weekly post! It was better because we had to wait longer and the daily post made me feel spoiled! LOL!
nicely done…and the weekly blog seems to work!
“By the way, if you’re not getting the last six captions, they’re from The Little Mermaid. I just thought I would helpfully point out my brilliant allusions to you.”
thats why it sounded familiar…
Didn’t you mean, “It’s so familiar how Emily’s allusions are always brilliant”?
that too haha
Yippie you’re back and better than ever! Thanks for choosing Monday’s to post your weekly blog, there isn’t much else to look forward to on that day… So i’m gonna stop stating the obvious. I hope you’re having a delicious week so far.
Sara Dunning
i think it’s kind of funny how nobody thinks it’s weird that i went to live at ptolemy’s house for a week! i mean, i know he has a lot of gold stars… but isn’t it WEIRD? come on people, be mystified & appalled.
Er, um, how was the sex?
Passable.
bloody
Existential.
How about surprised and amused…
Emily seems to be shy about saying as much, but it turns out that her stay in my house is just the first of such planned visits. If you want to be part of the Livedby/Livedwith component of her year and have her come to YOUR place of residence to wander around aimlessly, check the internet, and occasionally ask if you have any more food and/or alcohol, address your queries to her at this site.
Ah, the ultimate Gold Star reward – obtain enough and Emily will come stay with you and clean your fridge? Get going people! Blog away! Be intensely interesting, ravishly riveting, err… smashingly sly? That’s the problem, Ptolemy. We all pale compared to you.
Am I hearing the squishing of sour grapes? When it was your week at the controls, Ptolemy, you demanded that Emily follow challenging and thoughtful directives. Perhaps Emily wandered and ate, checked and drank, because you thought Emily would bleed praise all over you “whatever” you decided. Or maybe you are just weird and suspect? Perhaps a chunk of cheese would go well with your grapes and whine.
I think you’ve put your finger on it, Maxine. I mean, it was all fine and good having Emily fly 3,000-plus miles to my house to straighten my books and stuff, but I think that one of the reasons I was feeling ill for much of her stay was because she didn’t praise me enough. There really were not that many remarks from her like “you’re amazingly great,” or “how could anyone possibly have THIS many interesting books!” or “this is clearly and without a doubt the most exciting and rewarding adventure I have ever had or ever will have.” Consequently, I sickened and grew frailer over the course of the week.
Ooooh, thank you for the giggles, Ptolemy. This is much better than passable, bloody, Existential sex. I’m in love. Do YOU visit strangers and wander around straightening their books?
(Do you do windows?)
Aha! I knew it! I could smell a case of narciscoegolackastrokitis a thousand miles away!
When I have those days, I buy a package of praise stickers, at the grocery store. You know, the ones that adults stick on children and their stuff, that say Fantastic! or You’re #1! or Great Effort!. Be sure to throw away any stickers that say “You Can Do Better
!”, because that’s really a put-down in disguise. Use them liberally. It won’t cure your NELS, but it’s a quick fix when you have house guests.
This sounds like pretty good advice Maxine. I think I may also get one of those affirmation bears that I’ve heard about. Apparently, when you give them a squeeze, they chirp out a little positive remark. Emily herself is kind of like a super-sized, slightly defective version of same. Perhaps an Emily Affirmation Doll could be added to the Livedby product section at some point? A choice between portable and life-size models might also be good.
“Dammit Dolls” work great, too, when used as prescribed. The dolls look like an old, cotton-stuffed sock with a face drawn in colored markers, at the toe end. When required, one can smack the doll on any nonliving object as often as needed, and yell, “dammit!” at the top of whatever one’s renter’s agreement deems an acceptable decibel level. They ARE popular, so if 7-11 is sold out, just stuff an old sock and draw a face of choice at the toe end. Sometimes just making my next doll makes me feel better!
Hmmm, an Affirmation E-Doll? A Dammit E-Doll? Portable. Life-size. Inflatable. I think you’re on to something big here, sir! May I suggest that the next “Iron Chef MBA”, or “Top Salesperson of the Month”, or any reader with any marketing acumen, or anyone who can even spell “acumen”, submit their business proposal for an E-Doll to: Livedby Product Section, c/o Mr. P.T., etc., etc.,. All proceeds would be donated to Emily’s “DONATE” fund.
Nice work Emily. Now, where and when can we read what really happened?!
Tell all the Truth but tell it slant
–Emily Dickinson
Tell all the Truth but tell it slant—
Success in Circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth’s superb surprise
As Lightening to the Children eased
With explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind—
words (& lyrics) to LIVE BY.
hyuk. hyuk. hyuk.
I’m back and happy to catch up with the week’s adventures. Without internet for 4 days – hell on earth. I think it’s VERY weird that you went to live with Ptolemy for a week. Pity he was feeling poorly. I enjoyed the weekly blog – and look forward to the future weekly wrap-ups. Getting used to the new schedule is a challenge. I have to reprogram my brain to think “Mondays!”
I really am feeling ever so much better now!
I really missed you Emily…..it’s so nice to have you back where you belong!! Yes, I was surprised, amazed, shocked etc. that you stayed with Ptolemy…..but never thought of him as the ax-murderer type. More so the gentle giant. Must admit that the doll collection seemed a bit unusual though…..but to each his or her own. Looking forward to more of your weekly blogs!! Hope Bella and The Chancellor are it tip-top shape!!