Q. How can I do the past week justice?
A. Trick question. There is no justice in the world. I can’t.
Q. Was it a good week? Was it a busy week?
A. Yes, that always makes it harder.
& some time has passed since then, & I’ve traveled hundreds of miles, & now I’m in New York & it’s winter & since each week feels like a lifetime, it seems like a lifetime ago that I was
MONDAY:
Waking up at 7:30 to prepare for my hour-long commute to Pasadena. & getting in the car at 9:00 (groggy) & driving some unfamiliar highways with only Marlboro Reds & radio static to keep me conscious (but barely).
I got more used to it as the week went on.
Anyway, I, first things first: I was going to Pasadena because I was working each day from 10-4 with a very nice man named Thomas Kellogg. He’s kind of the mastermind of this amazing arts organization Mentor Artists Playwrights Project (MAPP) that runs intensive playwriting workshops which connect youth in at-risk communities one-on-one with established playwrights & actors.
On the first day, I learned the necessary background about MAPP & the work they do, read through a manuscript of the mentors’ book, & helped Tom create multiple Facebook groups for the project.
Kellogg's grrreat.
Then we just kind of chatted for awhile. & soon it was time for me to go meet Erin Matthews in Hollywood.
I'll follow the sun
Oh wow there was no traffic so I arrived early & I was met on the street by a happy blonde girl with a little poodle that was barking at me in a non-obnoxious way. So it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. We went up to her apartment which kind of reminded me of a gingerbread house & she got changed & Liam (the dog) played with a stuffed Santa. Liam was, by turns, amorous & violent. Like all real men, am I right? Or am I right.
Dog? On it.
I really liked Erin, & we talked about movies & acting, & so on & so forth & then we went out for a drink with her boyfriend, who was also an actor, & also really nice. & then we went to one of their friends’ places & watched the absolute best documentary in the world. American Movie.
Cheerful & bland so far? Well, sue me. Cheerful & bland go together like murder & suicide.
TUESDAY
It was back to Tom’s & I sat in on a meeting & just did, you know, general office-y stuff. I don’t remember. We had good times. Working as a personal assistant comes pretty naturally to me, so long as the demands of the job aren’t super complex. It’s so relaxing to sit at a desk & stuff.
I left early because I had to go meet Eric Geffner at his practice in Beverly Hills. What should I tell you? Man it was rainy so the traffic on the 10 was terrible, & I was terrified I would be late. Also therapists make me nervous, do you feel me? Do you hear what I’m saying?
But I made it & I wasn’t late.
Now that's an awfully long hallway isn't it
Anyway Dr. Eric Geffner is a specialist in gambling addiction so it didn’t take too much courage for me to cross that particular threshold.
I sat in wait.
Gambling & I have something in common, then
(heartbreaking! ha. get it.)
& then, you know, I had a seat. I’m glad he wasn’t of the “Have a seat anywhere” school. He was of the “Have a seat on the couch” school.
Now where exactly does it hurt?
We basically just chatted, as I wasn’t really in for a session, & got to know each other a little. There was a mutual exchange of hopes & dreams & observations & so on & then it was time to get down to business. He gave me a run-down of what he does in his practice & wanted me to “blog about” the following points.
- Gambling is what they call “the hidden addiction”
- 90% of Americans gamble at some point in their lives but this does not make them gambling addicts. Because gambling is so common, this means gambling addiction is not always taken seriously or seen as a “real” addiction.
- Gambling addiction is just as serious as any other addiction & gambling addicts behave like any other addicts. You know, losing homes, families, going to jail, gambling money they don’t have. Etc.
- Gambling is a massive industry “more parasitic than the tobacco industry.”
- If you or someone you know is a gambling addict, there is help & much of it is free. You should call 1-800 GAMBLER or visit StopGamblingNow.Com
Ok, so, that’s a first for this blog, right? But I’m just following doctor’s orders.
He also gave me a CD & DVD on gambling addiction but they shattered in my purse. But I knew a little about this stuff already. I recommended a documentary on gambling addiction he hadn’t seen & also discussed the fairly recent discovery that the Parkinson’s medication Mirapex has been proven to cause gambling addiction in some patients. Guys, I’m such a jack of all trades.
& then, well Time’s Up. “We’ll have to continue this later,” said Eric, “or never.” & then we shook hands.
& then I went to Borders, & called Eliza Jane Schneider & bought a book of collected Pinter plays & Eliza said she was teaching a voice acting for radio class that evening, so she said I should attend that.
I got ready to do that but she’d given me the wrong address so I was late. I was going to be late anyway because I got lost & ended up taking Mulholland & nearly DYING. But, since the address I had was three blocks away & on the other side of the street from the real one, I was um, really late. I wandered by lots of places. A large abandoned car wash. A casting call.
But eventually I found it.
You know, there were these phonetics symbols written on a large paper easel & stuff like that. & Eliza stood at the front of the room saying things, like about how she drove around America in an ambulance interviewing people & taping them, & how she did voices for South Park & stuff, & sings opera, meanwhile demonstrating her skill by dropping now & then into various different voices like German Lady & Keira Knightley & wow, yes, it is very impressive, she can do a lot of funny voices. I can’t do funny voices at all. But there is a whole world of people who spend a lot of time doing this very important & difficult job & I’m not being sarcastic.
Then they went into a Real Live Studio & the students practised their British accents & Cajun accents & got some feedback.
I wasn't allowed in because what if A FIRE?
& then afterwards I went for a drink with Eliza & the sound engineer & his friend from Minnesota. The woman from Minnesota’s job was training people who work for corporations not to have accents.
& then I went home.
What did I do on WEDNESDAY? Oh yes, Wednesday I worked for Tom. I took a long lunch because he was at Tai Chi. & I made a video of me that’s really boring. This man I know said I should have my head examined for thinking I should put it on the internet. Dude, I should have my head examined for numerous reasons. For one thing, I’m as smart as Einstein & twice as beautiful. Anyway so I talked in a funny voice & looked at a squirrel.
But I also addressed envelopes & did some very serious things.
In the evening I met up with David Rodwin who is a writer on the Jonas Bros. show. & we had to go to a concert by Nick & the Administration? Which is I think the youngest Jonas brother’s band. He was wearing a suit, because he says he likes to wear suits. He bought me a beer, a large one, which was nice, because I needed it very much & my bank was being very uncooperative so by this point in my life I only had one dollar in cash & four in change.
The concert was how you think it would be. Lots of teenage girls screaming. I think Nick Jonas was totally phoning it in but David Rodwin disagreed. So then we agreed to disagree. I predict tragedy in his future. But also great success.
Is success a greater tragedy than failure?
& then after the concert, ears kind of ringing, David bought me some noodle soup & lent me $20. What a nice man. Sometimes being the world’s orphan step-child comes in handy.
THURSDAY I didn’t have to work so I, instead, worked out my personal finances & took care of some Family Things. Just because I don’t write about my Home Life doesn’t mean I don’t have one! & it’s a pretty wild one too, I’ll have you know. Also there are some other project-related projects on the horizon oh ok in a nutshell I lived myself for a few hours because you can’t really live anyone unless you really live yourself.
& then I met up with (photographer/Jack-of-All-Trades) David Newsom & Bert (or Burt? his dog). B(e/u)rt was very cute, very movie mutt looking. We met David’s wife, (director/Jack-of-All-Trades) Sian Heder at her work where she was editing this short web piece for before the door. I met a ton of, I don’t know, producers & actors & things? I told them about my project, & shook hands & they were all nice.
All sweetness &/or light
They showed me these pumpkins they have.
the other one has Mr. Spock on it
& some other stuff, like toothsome white smiles & some candles made out of Zachary Quinto’s hands.
Then David & Sian & I went on a night hike & poor Burt (or Bert?) stayed in the car. We saw a coyote & an owl (some precise kind of owl) & heard a baby owl & there was a full moon. So very pleasant by night, very bright by moonlight, & not at all creepy as I thought it would be. & I liked David & Sian very much, insofar as you can tell such a thing when meeting under such odd circumstances.
We were late for a dinner party & so we went to that. It was all independent film producers. I explained my project, over the course of the evening, three or four times in detail & there was that mixed sort of thing where everyone’s interested, & so that’s very gratifying, & at the same time I’m so bored by it & I only want to talk about what all the other people do. It’s funny but after awhile, you know, six months or so, of people asking you “What’s the most interesting thing that’s happened to you all year?” the charm of it kind of goes out.
Knock knock
I was dressed in hiking clothes, which made things awkward, but by now I can run through dinner parties of strangers on autopilot. & everyone was intelligent & humorous & we had corned beef & cabbage & lots of strange names to discuss (Neptune Alexander 17? Storer Prebble the IV. & more). The woman hosting the party had an Oscar for a documentary & a degree from SLC. I’m afraid I don’t remember her name. & the guy who directed The Hottie & the Nottie was there & he was nice. Everyone was nice. It was one of those melancholy evenings I get occasionally with this project. You know, This isn’t my life but I wouldn’t mind if it was.
Who IS there?
It’s a funny kind of lonely feeling, being the welcomed interloper in a happy group of friends. So I’m not sure why I’ve decided to make a career of it.
Later it turns out that TD (remember TD, anyone?) grew up with Sian. ♪ It’s a small, small world. ♪♪
& there’s simply no escape.
& then it was FRIDAY. I didn’t need to work till one. But anyway I left at noon & the traffic was killer & it took me two hours (instead of 45 minutes) to get to Pasadena. I know it’s thrilling to hear about it. It was thrilling to live!
1/2 a mile per hour!
Oh, hold it, sarcasm is the lowest form of humor. Anyway, I got to work at 2:00 but Tom is an awesome boss & he was ok with that.
Did some work stuff, got out of his way with a long lunch, & then drove him to Marina del Rey around 7:00 so he could be close to the airport.
& that was my Friday.
SATURDAY is even shorter. I was supposed to be in touch with Jessica Steen about helping out with make-up on some amazing sounding photo-shoot, but then our signals were crossed so it didn’t happen. That was ok. I had Real Life things to deal with, so it was nice to have the extra time to, you know, deal with Real Life & sit in bed & watch television.
Stuck On You is actually a really good movie
Anyway in the evening I was to go to Jessica’s party. & go I did. I met lots of nice people, mostly producers again. But also lots of people where, after explaining myself, I’d go “& what do you do?” & they’d say something like “Oh, we’re mainly involved in the circus.”
O my life is a 3-ring circus right now.
There was a firepit & the crowd was welcoming & all in all it was a satisfying end to a very busy week.
The End.
& with that, I went home. Badder but wiser? Oh something like that. Some clever pun! I’m grasping, but you know, grasp for the moon & land among oh something.
Speaking of grasping, I did make contact with Clay Westervelt during the week, I’ll have you know. But we were both so busy we decided we’d just do something later. You know, he was going to Vegas, scouting locations, & I’m already familiar with film sets… maybe he’ll live me some other time.
There were two others. One whose juggling class I did not attend, one who did not return my call. But all in all, I’d say it was a very successful week.
Actually, one of the busiest of all time! The first week that, since I began blogging once weekly, made me regret that decision.
So let’s all give Montana a hand for one of the most complex & thoughtful schedules of the year.
Still, onward, ever upward. I’m in New York. Who knows what next.
Wow. I’m really surprised. So little comes through in your account of this week that I don’t recognize my friends, I can’t tell if any real connections were made, I get no sense of your experience or theirs; people were “nice,” and you sat in traffic and stuffed envelopes? I had such hopes for the meetings of artistic, open, vulnerable minds and hearts. Instead you sound tremendously bored with yourself and everyone around you. It makes me sad, frustrated, confused and curious about a week in which the most vivid interaction described was between you and Erin’s dog.
But I have no right to be disappointed. I should put my own life on hold for a week, buy a ticket, and go mySELF to Los Angeles to get the stories I wanted. That’s the lesson your experiment offers me, one of your chosen directors.
To my friends, thank you so much, and I love you.
you can ask your friends about their experiences with me. i made some wonderful connections. the week was busy& fulfilling. the blog has been, increasingly, one of the most difficult & painful parts of this whole process &, writing it, i often feel bored with life & the process of chronicling it.
i told many of your friends how much i enjoyed living this week & how frustrated i am by the inevitable let down that comes with the blog at the end. at the party on saturday, in fact, i specifically told strangers what pressure i felt to write a brilliant, fun, exciting blog entry to go with your carefully crafted week. maybe some of them will turn up here to back me up.
i’m sorry if you’re hurt or disappointed by the outcome. this happens a lot, more than i’d like. i guess all that i can say is that, in this project, i’m giving people the chance to play god for a week. i guess what a lot of people realize, at the end, is that being god is inevitably disappointing. what can i do, as a human, but disappoint you?
i am, by nature, a private person, & undergoing this experiment has certainly taken a toll on me for this reason. particularly because, over the course of this year, i have been dealing with a series of problems i prefer not to discuss in a public forum. some people — my “fans” & others — seem to forget that there is a whole life behind the “lived by” life which i choose to KEEP private.
does anyone remember that, whenever i wasn’t living your week, i was living three inches away from a man in the last stages of a terminal illness? i mentioned that in passing weeks ago, maybe. it’s not part of the project & i don’t like to dwell. i don’t mention it now as a bid for pity, but as a bid for compassion. &, to be frank, this week his condition was among the least of my worries.
your comment is especially painful because i really gave your week everything i had, even if, at times, it wasn’t much, & i think many of your friends can attest to that. if i failed to convey how much i profited from my experience of you week, that is a testament to my failure as a writer, not to my failure as a human being who is committed to & excited by my work.
i hope this doesn’t sound melodramatic, but i don’t think many people realize how TAXING this project is on me. i may not have written well about your week, but i am working as someone’s personal assistant in new york, & had two 45 minutes chunks of time, two hours apart, in which to write. of course that can hardly accurately reflect the six days i devoted to living your schedule, meeting your lovely friends, & learning about their lives.
i really am very sorry to disappoint you. i mean that absolutely sincerely. at the same time, i wish you would give me some benefit of the doubt, here. the blog is really just a shadow of the project & it was never intended to be anything more.
i haven’t edited this & i’m sorry if i sound hysterical. it’s 3:30 in the morning & it’s been a long seven months.
the problem of the blog is one of the problems of American Society and life.
how can be genuine, open, honest, real, emotional, vulnerable with
other people ? Or even with ourselves. People are easily hurt by the slightest hint of
displeasure. We end up living with an “everything is fine” I love everyone and everything
or we ignore something completely if we can not go that road. The task of being open and real results in honestly, and that lead to crushed feelings. It is no surprise the dog is the safest person to describe. What if Emily wrote: ” I found Dr. Geffner to be a pretentious bald man trying desperately to say something of some intelligence to me in the course of a 50 minute meeting but failing miserably at this task ended up giving me a stock lecture on gambling addiction in a pseudo advertisement manner.
Then the blow would hit like a ton of bricks, so this is what I get for giving a free hour to someone I dont know ? I might be thinking. I guess what I am saying is Emily is stuck in between a rock and hard place, and this reflects the same predicament
that many people find themselves in, compromising their ability to speak openly and fully about their views. We are silenced. Ask yourselves. Are feely speaking your mind to that neighbor who is annoying the crap out of you ? When is the last time you told someone they have really bad breath, or they told you that ? Do you provide an environment where people can be genuinely speaking about you or do you shut down any hints of possible negative comments with over reactions ?
the problem of the blog is one of the problems of American Society and life.
how can be genuine, open, honest, real, emotional, vulnerable with
other people ? Or even with ourselves. People are easily hurt by the slightest hint of
displeasure. We end up living with an “everything is fine” I love everyone and everything
or we ignore something completely if we can not go that road. The task of being open and real results in honestly, and that lead to crushed feelings. It is no surprise the dog is the safest person to describe. What if Emily wrote: ” I found Dr. Geffner to be a pretentious bald man trying desperately to say something of some intelligence to me in the course of a 50 minute meeting but failing miserably at this task ended up giving me a stock lecture on gambling addiction in a pseudo advertisement manner.
Then the blow would hit like a ton of bricks, so this is what I get for giving a free hour to someone I dont know ? I might be thinking. I guess what I am saying is Emily is stuck in between a rock and hard place, and this reflects the same predicament
that many people find themselves in, compromising their ability to speak openly and fully about their views. We are silenced. Ask yourselves. Are feely speaking your mind to that neighbor who is annoying the crap out of you ? When is the last time you told someone they have really bad breath, or they told you that ? Do you provide an environment where people can be genuinely speaking about you or do you shut down any hints of possible negative comments with over reactions ?
I mention this because in way the blog is impossible to write without ruining Emily’s experience. It is kind of my view of physiography. I don’t like it. When I stop to take a picture I am now no longer in the moment but I am grasping to cling to the moment, or worse someone’s view of the moment. I recently had a picture taken that looks completely romantic and yet it was nothing of the sort. This blog might be better written by the people who participated in Emily’s week than by Emily herself. Just me 50 cents worth…
BTW: Montana, I love your comments, they were completely genuine and honest and open… correct is not the issue… they are what you felt.
dr. g — how generous & unexpected! this makes me want to retrospectively pay you. or send you some sort of fruit basket!
at the moment, the best i can do is provide you with a link to part 1 of the louis theroux mini-doc i was telling you about. it’s up on youtube in 6 parts. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6x4rn8zq4s0 — if you don’t feel like you’re up to your ears in gambling stuff already, i highly recommend it! louis theroux is one of my heroes.
also, i think you made some really good points here, & managed to articulate some of the frustrations i’ve been having with the project. of course, i didn’t think of you as a “pretentious bald man” but yes, if i had, i wouldn’t have thought it polite to say so on the internet– particularly if i was going to gush about how somebody else was so unpretentious with such amazing hair! i never realized that i try to keep my blog so neutral when it comes to other people until you pointed that out! now, going back, i see that’s just what i do, & why.
this is turning into a real advertisement for your services!
but glad to see you don’t hold anything against me. or if you do, i’m glad to see that you’re hiding it well.
Since I took up more time than anyone else in week 29 of this experiment, I feel inclined to respond to the messages above.
Emily, you were an absolute joy to have around. And as much as I didn’t always know what to do with you, when I did figure it out, you did it well and without hesitation. I work alone at the computer much of the time, when I’m not on the road. I realize I actually appreciated your company in the office more than anything. I’m glad you didn’t say that in your blog because it may have come off as making me sound pathetic. ha! …It is such a curious thing you are doing, this experiment. Though I never really asked you why directly, I did ask you on the first day about some of the things you were experiencing, and I thought you were very patient and forthcoming in your responses. Zilah got a really good feeling from you as well. You struck me as a private person by nature, which really impressed me that you would be so bold as to take on this (to me) Herculean task.
To Montana I want to say a few things. By me, you and Emily succeeded. Now before you write that off as me being nice, because I’m a nice guy, let me defend myself. I was told I would have Emily for the time allotted by your plan. She was there to work (for free, which bothered me until Emily assured me it was part of the experiment.) That is how I understood it, I didn’t expect that she would be required to write about me afterwards. As quotable as I am, and I’m sure Emily remembers everyone of my bon mots (see I’m teaching you French, Emily, just what you asked for in your blog, right?) I would rather end up as a character in one of her future poems, novels, or short stories, than as a psychological profile on her blog. I really think we connected in a great way. Each day we loosened up, and got as familiar with each other, as two naturally private ( I know, hard to believe that about me) , smart (maybe harder huh?, and artistic ( I’m going to stand my ground here) people could be. What if she really thought the work I do is insipid? What if she didn’t like the way I combed my hair? Since everyone who knows me knows my work and my hair are two of the most important features I possess, it could be devastating to hear a Dorothy Parker like tirade, no matter how witty the remarks… Seriously though, we laughed alot, and we worked, and we talked about some wonderful things. I learned some new things from her. I’ll tell you about some of them sometime if you are interested.
One other thing that needs to be said again by me (or me channeling Holden Caulfield.) She was conscientious as hell. That’s not a joke. She cared about showing up. I know you miss us all in LA, and you are right to make that trip out here to see us, but she is not you. I like you both very much, so that works out well for me. I’m sorry you feel disappointed by the assessments or summations of the experiences she had, but her response above feels as honest (and painful) as it gets. I think she deserves the benefit of the doubt she asks for, though it really shouldn’t be necessary. I also think if you met her you would like her. You might even have that meeting of artistic, open, vulnerable minds and hearts you were looking for in her blog… or not. Thats life too.
thanks, tom! i hope you know i had a great time with you (both of you … actually even gil too!) & the commute was totally worth it. it’s too bad we never got dinner but maybe when we’re all having a slow week. as i was eating my food court sandwich friday night visions of bbq danced in my head.
you are a great boss with some… ACTUALLY great ideas. & i never thought about your hair but in retrospect that was great too.
glad you weren’t offended by your minimal presence in the blog & if you ever write me a rec, please say i’m conscientious as hell!! in the future, i’m happy to answer any questions about facebook pro bono. but i do think you should get a real assistant soon!
in the meantime, stay dry & enjoy the maple syrup. thanks for the comment. which made me happy.
I love these responses so far… “private” people publicly pouring their hearts out about why it might be better not to pour their hearts out, and admitting vulnerability, and forgiving (their own and others’) limitations. Eric and Tom, thanks for opening up the dialogue. <3
@Everyone: This dialogue is really wonderful! Entirely honest, genuine, and forthright (my favorite kind)…and the first since the beginning of the project, (for me) that touches on the main vein…the tap root of it (but hey…what do I know?).
@Emily: It goes without saying that you are in essence, simultaneously living as two beings each week (the participant…and yourself). Trust, others are aware of this ‘condition’ too. You are human, it is undeniable (and anyone reading or commenting here, could most certainly claim the same). It’s so easy to pick up on (namely through your photographs…which are EXCELLENT by the way), the earnest commitment, pride, and enthusiasm you have for this experience. Early into the project though, the blog aspect seemed to become a thorn in your paw (or maw)…and after reflecting on what you’ve mentioned studying collegiality, I wonder if instead of being bored by the blog…you don’t instead feel somewhat intimidated(?). Being a trained artist myself (words, metal…what’s the difference), I know I feel so akin to my craft sometimes, that I can feel a great deal of pressure to be ‘making’ in a way that is distinct, profound, moving, and worthy…but I always find I produce most prodigiously, by releasing the whistle valve…and letting go of self flagellating thoughts. Perhaps the pressure you feel to blog about this project, is muddying the waters and shindizzling your ability to communicate your most true experience/feelings/thoughts so they are received by your readers, in just the way you intended? Just a thought…or question…or what have you.
@Everyone: *Chin up. Face to the wind. Eyes wide. *(My latest mantra…helps in all THOSE moments.)
wow it’s really feelings day here isn’t it! what a curious turn things have taken. it’s uncomfortable for me, because if there’s one thing i hate it’s talking about feelings — good or bad. i’m sure anyone who knows me can attest to that.
everyone who knows me, however, has pretty much stopped reading the blog. probably because they know how little of me, at this point, is actually in it.
i like that you think of the blog as some sort of “art” form. it’s kind of flattering! i don’t really think of it that way. (the project, yes. the dear diary? no) i think part of the blog anxiety is about the intimidation you mention… but that’s not really my main problem. there’s the pressure to write a good entry, certainly, but i’m not really insecure about my writing style. it’s mainly the pressure to lie vs. the desire to tell the truth.
first, there’s the pressure of making it sound like i ALWAYS have fun, when often i don’t. i found out early on that people get weirdly offended if their week doesn’t make me happy. if you think about it, it’s totally unrealistic to expect that i will be happy 200 days a year, let alone 365. at the same time, it’s realistic that people will take it personally if i have a bad week.
these lies that i’m having fun are further complicated by the fact that i must lie to protect the people i encounter, out of common courtesy. when i break up with my boyfriend, i don’t tell you about it. do i have a boyfriend? you guys don’t even know. did a friend annoy me? or get an abortion? or try to kill me? or cheat on his wife? or hunt illegally? or get a dumb haircut? it’s interesting to discuss such things but it’s not kind or LADYLIKE. even when it comes to smaller things (mannerisms, clothing, etc.), anyone can tell you i observe people with a closeness & clarity that is often considered cruel & for that reason refrain from describing people ever… at all… unless i am among close friends.
also, do you know how many times people tell me specifically NOT to blog about something? or not to mention them? or not to show their face? i’m not an investigative reporter. i respect their wishes. sometimes people contact me & ask me to take something out & i do.
it’s all made weirder by the fact that, if i do have fun, it’s not always fun to write about. particularly since i’ve started this new weekly format. my mood naturally comes through whenever i write & it tends, lately, to stain the account of the week a little. this week was particularly hard because some things were very fun & some things weren’t. because each activity was tied to a specific person, & i only got one chance to meet many of them, i just didn’t feel it would be right to heap praise on one evening & satirize another. for obvious reasons. & then i was writing in a hurry.
the past week was rewarding. was i HAPPY during the week? no. am i, as montana says, “tremendously bored with myself”? absolutely. did i meet talented, interesting, friendly people last week? yes. did i like all of the equally? no. did i feel like i could describe them honestly? no. do i ever describe people honestly here? no.
at this point, i never feel like writing the blog, & i absolutely do NOT find it rewarding. i do like the way this week the comments are spiraling out of control, though, & i hope it continues. at least it’s a change of PACE.
this turned into a very nearly incoherent rant & i’m sorry if it seemed like i got a little off track but it’s 9:30am now & i haven’t slept ALL night! so by now i’m probably more than a little delirious. & what a long day at the office looms!
total sidenote: i’m always glad when people like the pics. i take them ALL on my iphone & i’m so weirdly proud of that.
& with that i am officially COMMENTED OUT!
I think of the project AND the blog both as art-forms…but I usually have that same type of reverent attitude about doing my dishes or cleaning my commode.
Oh…and honesty doesn’t necessarily preclude discretion (or at least that’s what my mother always told me).
Hi,
I couldn’t read the entire last entry so i stand the chance of repeating, BUT, i wanted to throw my two cents in (as my mother says: everyone is entitled to my opinion).
I love the idea of this project. I love the idea of learning what people do with their lives and why. However, I think that it would take a GREAT deal of rededicating myself to it EVERY day if i were doing it, because i need time to regroup and be alone and download my experiences. I could NOT pack this much “on” time into my life, with strangers no less.
My question to you Emily is this: is this an endurance test of spirit, or an enriching experience or both?
If it is about the art, then being rested and ready and present for all your bookings so that you can actually glean something from them is key. So, i encourage you to honor your self and shorten your week, or your days, to increase yours and therefore everyones enjoyment of the project.
On another hand, if this was about making your way through all your emotions while living with/as others…then i would make a suggestion. If you tried to not be as private a person as you are and were more of a big mouth like me for instance, you might be able to process all of your experiences, both good, lonely, bad or bored with others. Strangers are probably better for this in the end. Use people to grow, use strangers to help process what you are experiencing.
It feels like the key might lie in not only getting off the tread mill a bit, but also in perhaps making yourself more comfortable talking about where you are at in both your project life and your private life. I know you would have had some VERY moving conversations with people at my party if you were able to be communicative about your family illness that you mentioned above for instance. Many of my family of friends know these realities.
Lastly, probably overstating the obvious, bright sound bites and quintessential snapshots are key to a quick blog entry….
Each of these give a strong hit, and leave the reader satisfied. Which i will agree with Montana was missing from your recap of the week.
Do you walk into situations and seek out The Moment or The Lesson or The Photo?
Do you prepare questions about things that you are needing to know or would like to get consensus about? What do you want from strangers and other peoples lives? You are the doctor here i feel, you are taking the pulse. So, lead the appointment.
I did not get to talk to you at all!! I am sorry about that. I was on host mode.
So, i don’t know what your larger purpose is….i am sorry.
I don’t mean to give advice about things i know only a small bit of…but that is what i do (unfortunately for my posse…. luckily i have chosen wisely and have birds of a feather in my nest. :O} ).
Best of luck and don’t forget to come pick up your lovely pink scarf…maybe we could coffee then?
Jess
thanks for the comment jess. & the party! it was all very pretty & pleasant & your friends were very welcoming — had plenty of genuine conversations & no sob stories among them, either! my exhaustion with the blog was a major theme of many of them.
as far as improving the blog etc. a lot of the stuff you’re writing about is stuff i’ve been struggling with over the past seven months, often in the text of the blog. when i began i was all bright soundbites & enthusiasm. my audience was much larger. i realized i didn’t particularly care to have an audience at all.
the project is not about the blog — this is something i’ve continually emphasized over the course of the year. it’s about my life itself &, in many ways, about the private experience of it. public exposure of my friends, family, & private emotions is simply not an interesting option to me. of late, the blog has served more as a captain’s log… a disciplined way of reminding myself just what i accomplished.
i churn out the minimum & then i let it go. i view the project as absolutely successful. the blog was a side project that got briefly carried away with its own importance. i’ve put it in its place at all. maybe some of the old faithful commenters can pipe up here. haven’t i abandoned you? aren’t i cold & unfeeling?
though i do like what’s happening THIS week. blog as forum for discussion!
it is funny, too, that you mention processing this whole experience with strangers. i did A LOT of that this week. i was surrounded by strangers. & most of the time i was able to (with the freedom of being “off the record”) unload some of the tedium & despair & frustration & comedy of my predicament in a way that was not just whiny but, evidently, entertaining & v. cathartic!
you’ll see when you meet me, i MUST get that scarf! it’s my security blanket. not sure what my schedule will be like but i’ll be in touch.
thanks again for welcoming me into your home. i’m very jealous of the fire pit.
De-lurking, because this is a topic of specific interest to me.
I think there is an expectation from the people who participate in your project to get some insight into how it affects you. I suppose my own silence has been as a response to the sense that aren’t really interested in sharing — as you’ve pointed out, you’re a private person. It does confuse me as to why you’d bother to publicize your project, at all, given the natural expectations that creates.
My commenting has dropped off because you’ve made it clear you’re doing little more than filling space with the blog. Who wants to waste their time and energy responding to what amounts to the “rice cakes” version of a blog (i.e. tastes okay, no real nutritional value)?
Both Jess and Ben make comments that resonate with my feelings. You described and promoted this as a collaborative art project, and invited us to collaborate. I personally devoted what for me was significant–hours of effort in planning and writing, and emotional output and risk in asking dear but distant friends to give of their time and effort as well. To those of us who you’ve asked to participate in your collaborative art project, it feels cold and shocking to be excluded from any insight or product that comes from it. The blog is “just a side project that got carried away with its own importance”? Well, to me it’s much more than that. It’s my only chance to share in the meal I prepared for you. When you suggest that I ask my friends how the week went if I want to know, I do feel hurt. And I’m not sure why I should feel guilty for pressuring you into a performance (the blog being a performance for us, your readers) when you ARE so much an Internet performer, your doings and comings and goings disseminated through Twitter and the blog and Facebook…
I really, really appreciate the honesty of this post-Week-29 conversation, and reading the heartfelt responses–of my friends and your wise friends (LOVE Lee’s notes) and you–is making me feel real emotions, reflect on my own private/public contradiction, and engage with others. Thanks again, everyone.
>>Both Jess and Ben make comments that resonate with my feelings.
Frankly, I met Jess once, & though she seemed nice she has read, so far as I know, only this one blog entry & has a hazy understanding of my project. Ben is a random internet fan & nothing more.
>> You described and promoted this as a collaborative art project, and invited us to collaborate. I personally devoted what for me was significant–hours of effort in planning and writing, and emotional output and risk in asking dear but distant friends to give of their time and effort as well.
Yes, you devoted significant hours, I devoted an entire week. Your dear friends gave their time & effort & I returned it.
>>To those of us who you’ve asked to participate in your collaborative art project, it feels cold and shocking to be excluded from any insight or product that comes from it.
Nobody else has contacted me with an expression of shock at my coldness. Obviously, I hope that isn’t the case for all of my participants. Or, god forbid, all of your friends. I really did the best I could, considering!
You could have checked in with me during the week, on the phone or otherwise, as many people do & have. There is no reason for you to be excluded or feel you are only entitled to read the weekly post at the end. Did it never occur to you to write in something like “call or email me each day & tell me how it went” or “resume daily blogging” or “write a profile of each of my friends”?
>> The blog is “just a side project that got carried away with its own importance”? Well, to me it’s much more than that.
if you had been following the blog, & I do not mean this as a criticism of you — I wouldn’t read this blog if I didn’t have to write it — you would know EXACTLY what my feelings are on the blog, & how long ago they changed, & how vocal I have been about my distancing myself from the blog.
>> It’s my only chance to share in the meal I prepared for you. When you suggest that I ask my friends how the week went if I want to know, I do feel hurt. And I’m not sure why I should feel guilty for pressuring you into a performance (the blog being a performance for us, your readers) when you ARE so much an Internet performer, your doings and comings and goings disseminated through Twitter and the blog and Facebook…
You didn’t pressure me into a performance, obviously, I’m doing this of my own free will. But if I didn’t perform as EXPECTED, well, I must say your expectations were then unclear & your reaction came as a shock. Facebook, for me, is not a performance & neither is Twitter. They’re games I play, they’re art, they’re fun. The blog used to be like that. It isn’t. I don’t have creative freedom. It’s hard to explain.
>> I really, really appreciate the honesty of this post-Week-29 conversation, and reading the heartfelt responses–of my friends and your wise friends (LOVE Lee’s notes) and you–is making me feel real emotions, reflect on my own private/public contradiction, and engage with others. Thanks again, everyone.
Funnily enough, nobody whom I really know has commented on this week, with the exception of your (& now my) friends. I think that says something. Anyway, I’m not really an internet sort of person & maybe this is an internet thing? Everyone taking things personally? I find it hard to believe that you would find it easy to say these things to my face if we met for coffee, particularly since you know me so little.
I’m glad your sense of outrage seems to be abating, & I really am sorry if I offended you. However, I’m disgusted by the whole misunderstanding & really tired of talking about this. I think you may be equating disappointment with betrayal & responding in kind. I never intended to hurt anyone & the week, which was extraordinarily fulfilling, has taken on now a sour taste… much more sour for me than I believe it is for you, in fact. Frankly, no matter which way you look at it, I put in more work & had more at stake. It’s not a contest of hurt feelings, but I would like to ask you (ALL, for god’s sake) to be a little gentle from now on.
I think if I HAD any friends they would agree with me.
I was very surprised to amble over to Emily’s site and find this. What the h#*l?
Yes, Montana, it is clear that you put a lot of effort, thought and work into designing your week. But it seems to me, from the responses, that this meant more to you than perhaps you are aware. Maybe you miss your friends? Maybe you miss the old you, the one that did all those things, lived a different life than you are living now, and so you wanted Emily to experience what you were longing for, missing.
However, you overlooked one important factor, (and I’ve noticed that this sometimes happens with the weekly participants) this is a week to be liveby Emily. That means it is Emily’s body, Emily’s mind, Emily’s experiences, and reflections, private or otherwise. Within the restrictions and structure of the week, it is Emily’s job to survive these weeks the best way she knows how. And for those of us who know some of the complications and challenges that going on in her life right now, we are in awe of how she is managing to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and throw herself into this project, week after week.
Now, if you were in LA living this week and writing a blog, it seems to me you would have had and written a very different week. But it was Emily. And I guess what she wrote, what she chose to share, disappointed you. Oh well. That is the way of things, life. You might want to look a little closer as to why you got so angry, instead of pinning it, and the reasons for it onto my daughter.
“I find it hard to believe that you would find it easy to say these things to my face if we met for coffee, particularly since you know me so little.”
I don’t find it easy at all to say these things, and I would say them to your face to, and you will find out, if we meet for coffee, that I will be honest with you in person as I am here. I don’t know if you would be honest with me, but I’d certainly like to meet this “not an Internet sort of person,” who I have seen so much of via Internet, in the flesh!
Brava, Emily… (were you in the school debating club?!)
I’ve just read all the above and am left reeling in shock…I thought your description of the week was lovely – it sounds like you, as usual, gave 100% of yourself… in terms of your reportage – it seemed like a week as normal as all the others and I enjoyed your usual witty repartee, great photos and clever captions… I don’t want to get involved with the ‘blog’ argument – whatever you do is always great and fine with me – this is after all, your project. Sending you big positive vibes, energy and good will. (Hope you’ve got someone there in NY who can give you some solid support …TD? Ptolemy?…)
Let me express that I am personally sorry about the obvious stress that this blog has created. I also have been aware of the obvious absence of comment about your friend’s situation. I wasn’t sure whether it was terminal. All I knew is that it was serious, he was in the hospital, and you were helping him out. However if you’re helping someone with a terminal illness then I would recommend reading http://www.amazon.com/Final-Gifts-Understanding-Awareness-Communications/dp/0553378767.
I’ve been keeping my own blog, and can understand the stress of trying to come up with thoughtful posts. Unlike you I feel no obligation to blog, so if I don’t feel like it I can leave it for a few weeks, and occasionally do. I don’t think I could possibly do it regularly for months on end. Particularly not with some of the stuff going on in your life.
If you reach the point where you want to be cheered up and think that happy pictures might do it, see http://www.leofloresphotography.com/blog/?p=324.
Good luck.
This week struck me as an exercise in compressed social networking, so there was probably never going to be extensive material to report from each encounter anyway. Imagine, say, attempting to meet n’ greet the entire world’s population over the span of a lifetime – you’d get to spend about 0.36 seconds with each person, (disregarding traffic conditions, flawed banking systems & other elements of Murphy‘s Law). It’s not really a small world, but the social circles within it can grow surprisingly large & the intense dialogue above confirms that this particular one has been successfully expanded.
As a mere fan of the project, I agree with Lee & Jacqueline in that the de-facto artistic quality of the blog has been retained all along. Part of the appeal is that Lived By IS such an extreme test of endurance, and when a certain amount of fatigue becomes evident this serves as a natural reflection on the experience as a whole. I also suspect that the feedback sometimes thins out not due to a lack of interest, but as a result of people not wishing to despoil such a beautiful work in progress – plus none of us could hope to compare to the genius of Ptolemy!
Hi Emily,
Great discussion. This blog and this conversation (and a few others in the past) increasingly remind me the current fascination with celebrities. You know, the irrational personal attachment many of us feel towards actors, sports figures, authors, bloggers, etc. whom we’ve never and will never have a conversation with. I don’t know enough about this phenomena to make a thoughtful comment, but I think what is happening here can certainly serve as a microcosm of a much larger social issue.
I am guilty of wanting more from the blog than what you want and can offer. I find your worldview to be refreshing and incredibly fascinating, and was first intrigued when you made several very thoughtful comments in an undergraduate class some time ago. Unfortunately, you and I never had the opportunity to strike up a conversation. So, finding the blog seemed like a great avenue to get to engage with you. I was a little disappointed when you began to distance yourself from the blog (please don’t take that personally), but I’ve come to understand the reasons why–you are entitled to your privacy, you are leading in some ways a double life and trying to keep both on track, and the added pressure of performing and protecting yourself for and your friends/family from the blog is a huge burden.
The attraction of the blog is that your audience can live vicariously through you. I think it resonates with so many people because many of us would love to have a year off to discover and experiment new things? To have someone else’s life for a day? a week? a year? And, here you are, doing the very thing most of us are too fearful to do: to just jump into something new every week. The disappoint the audience feels when they are ‘not entertained’ says way more about us, than it does about you. Most of us are bored with the routine of our lives and too fearful/lazy to make changes.
I do have some questions for you, some that are probably better left unanswered until July when the project ends:
-do you regret anything? all of it?
-what would you have done differently, in retrospect (in addition to the blog)?
-greatest lesson you’ve learned?
-what have you learned about yourself?
-what have you learned about others?
-what were your expectations for livedby?
-in what ways do you feel responsible for the achievements/failures of the project?
I hope you are well and not letting this exhausting discussion keep you from enjoying New York.
This is overdue, my apologies: your selfless gesture towards your friend is beautiful. I hope your love and friendship bring him peace.
Patricia
Ok first of all……DO any of you people have lives???? Whats with all the MUDSLINGING going on here??? Second of all Montana…ummm eat my ass you got that??? Hows that for blogging?? Get a life sweetheart ,,,no ones gonna meet you for coffee you nut! I swear lemme meet you for coffee..ill punch your face out!!!!!! MEg tilly…your a great mom…sticking up for Emily…listen dont feed into these people hunny this is what they want when they write silly comments on here.
Emily your doing a fine job baby!! This project seems very draining …keep up the good work..dont let anyone throw you off track. They need LIVESSSSSSSS!!! BTW MONTANA hey i got a schedule for you…Live through my ass bitch!!!!!!
Wow, just when I thought it was about time I aired my thoughts, someone steps in and does it for me!
Yikes! I step out of the continent for a week and look what happens! Will someone please tell me how they really feel?
YIKES! Glad to see I wasn’t the only one who popped on this site today and had my head do the Exorcist twirl.
In retrospect, it may have been inevitable. Montana’s preciously packed her past into pined projections (with pickled peppers?) such that anything short of a celebratory awe for all that “Creative Week” had to offer would have been a letdown. While it is unfortunate that others may experience disappointment when their “created by” doesn’t match Emily’s “lived by” reality, or that Emily’s reality may not be mirrored by her blog entries, faithful followers know that Emily works hard to honor the tasks set out for her each weeks. Thanks for the good times Emily and don’t let the b!$*#s get you down.
You know, honestly, I don’t see what Montana’s done to earn such ire.
She stated her feelings on the matter, which are similar to what others have stated at various points throughout this project, and suddenly everyone’s leaping down her throat. Her comments were stated politely and obviously intended as constructive criticism. Is Emily such a delicate flower that she can’t take anything less than sunshine and lavender clouds of happiness all day long?
Somehow, I doubt she’s that weak.
For my part, I’d say this: people put time and energy and money into this project. They’d like something a little more than Emily is willing to give. Their disappointment is as understandable as Emily’s firm decision to give what she does, and no more. Am I disappointed at being dismissed as “a random internet fan and nothing more?” Sure I am. I spent money and time and energy in helping her out. Do I feel the need to come forward and claim that makes Emily a bad person? Nope.
I don’t believe Montana said, anywhere, anything bad about Emily. She commented on her own expectations and desires for her participation, and how Emily’s response made her feel. I don’t see any particular crime in that.
If people want to jump all over her for doing so, I strongly advise them to grow the hell up.
(As for Nicole’s rambling, mispelled commentary, I should probably point out that threats are criminally actionable. I strongly advise you to shut your trap, for your own sake.)
hey Ben T……shut your damn mouth u giant asshole….what are you a cop? People who cant take it…dont dish it ya diggg?
Yuck! Do you eat with that mouth, too, Nicole?
I think regardless of one’s opinion, refraining from name-calling is most assuredly…the human-like thing to do.
Also, I am hopeful that my comments on this post (and any others) have been received as I intended: thoughtful commentary on a piece of art I find interesting.
For me, it’s also important to note that I don’t connect to the concept (or practice) of ‘celebrity’. I’m not tuning into Emily, Lived By: because I care (or noticed until some references were made) that Emily is of ‘famous’ lineage (after all…aren’t each of us really?). I don’t enjoy reading the blog/contemplating the project and what it causes me to think about – life, control, society, privacy, and countless other things – because I’m bored with my own existence either. I engage because for me, there’s simple inherent value in it.
@Emily: I trust you’ll keep on keepin’ on and keep keepin’ things just as you think they should be.
@Everyone: Thanks for the floor.
I really never ever post comments on blogs (except once during the 2008 election, before I realized that most people on comment boards are out of their heads, and of course they are, they’re talking to everybody and nobody, just like all crazy people), BUT I was compelled, as a total stranger — i.e. FoaFoaF on FB who posted a link to this project a few weeks ago– to speak for the non-commenters and say to Emily:
not all of us who have been following your project are particularly invested in ‘sharing the experience’ through your blog. Keep it, get rid of it, make it only pictures with great captions. Whatever. I’m just glad I know your name so I can look for your writing later, because now I know how good it is, and I’m looking forward to reading the things you write. (And honestly, I would rather they not be blogs if they could be something more.) Anyway, do whatever you have to do to protect the space that lets you make your art and take care of yourself.
To Montana and Ben: if you’re not happy with what you’re getting from ‘collaborating’ here, you can go make your own art that lives up to your wildest web 2.0 dreams. Actually, maybe you can go do it together. You seem to be on the same wavelength.
Hello All-
Lovely day. Nice thread. In short, I’d first say, “Emily, your project seems to be working. Congrats.”
Second: As someone who knows Montana fairly well, I can tell you that her response to Emily’s blog is fair game, and most likely precisely what Emily is after; A living art event which is not about being liked or disliked but doing something which provokes a response. And she has. So, well done, Emily and well done Montana for taking her project seriously and participating fully.
I should think that any friend or family member of Emily would be impressed that folks are taking it on so seriously and they (mom, aunt, cousin, friends) should trust that Emily can handle herself.
This is a funny exercise in expectations. Seems to me everyone had a different response to the week depending what they wanted from Emily, how they though Emily should respond in person or in print, and how they interpreted the project overall. So, participants can’t control Emily’s responses to events and Emily can’t control ours, but if no-ones allowed their feeling and responses, then really, what’s the point? Actions without reactions in art? What’s the point?
Again, to those with the rabid defense of Emily, relax. We’re all artists here, we’re all taking her seriously, and she can hold her own. It’s an art project, and it’s not about being liked all the time.
Personally, this thread reads like an incredible success story in terms of artistic endeavor. Serrano dumped a crucifix in a bottle of piss. All Emily did was let someone send her around LA and then wrote a few things.
I repeat: Game on.
And, yes, Emily, I’ll accept your request to direct a week. I’ll call you shortly.
David
Meg – Wynne’s birthday today (she’s have been 105)…
I’ve been reading all along, less often now because the blogs come less often, but with every bit the same interest … or more.
The more public and diverse my life becomes, the more I appreciate people who can distinguish between person and persona(e).
Emily, take care of yourself. Of all your selves. All best–MPC.