It’s hard.  I don’t know what to say.  I’ve been writing my goodbye for hours… for months in my head, really, & it’s all so ponderous & dark.  I skim the agonized paragraphs & come back with words like “grim” & “arbitrary” — “hubris,” “ultimate,” “fate.”

So I’m just starting over.

It follows, I guess, that when I try to sum everything up it all turns a little– heavy.  & it was heavy! I managed the burden of multiple lives for as long as any pregnancy. & it follows that I learned some particularly profound, profoundly difficult, & difficultly particular things this year.

But I realize, reading things over, that you didn’t come here to hear my thoughts on self-created God structures or the dark side of all those months of kazoo-playing & dinner parties & Self Improvement Activities.  Evidently (though I’ve always been somewhat mystified by this!) you came here to be entertained & … inspired?   Many of you seemed to find all this inspirational (& hence didn’t really enjoy my time in the belly of the whale).

I’m afraid I don’t have anything entertaining for you just yet.  I’m having a VERY complicated time of it!  But I have discovered one of the central morals of the story, dot dot dot.

When I began my year, I was so accustomed to moving through my life with a measured degree of success & good luck that failure was not even on my horizon.  I was mystified & insulted when people implied I wouldn’t last the year.   I didn’t want to see “if” I could do it, I wanted to see what would happen WHEN I did.  What ultimate meaning would reveal itself to me?  I would only know after my victorious completion of LivedBy.

As it turns out, this project was (among other things!) largely a lesson in failure.  I’ve never really turned back from a goal before.  I’ve never missed a deadline or given up.  I see now that I set myself an unworkable challenge, an experiment intentionally beyond my capacities, in some ways designed to fail. If failure wasn’t on my horizon before, once I began the project I began hurtling towards it with such force that I’m already straight through the other side.   So now I have (very publicly) learned humility (& privately, ha ha, become a religious zealot.)

Anyway, that year is over & a new one is beginning.  As of yesterday, I’m 26 & it’s about time I got down to some real work.  My challenge for THIS year (a workable challenge, I believe) is to take my failure &, as a hardworking Type A lady such as myself must do, turn it into a success.

Sooooo I’m starting work on The Book, my very first one, & it might be no good, but I’m just going to do it & hope it comes out all right.  The past year was a failure but not a total wash or anything.  I learned a lot about discipline & The Human Mind & different kinds of lifestyles & so on & so on & so on.

I hope This Book will be good.  A lot of it will be made up.  Then I can tell the gossipy & multi-faceted truth about other things & no one will be able to tell the difference! So there won’t be any hurt feelings when I splash people’s darkest secrets around.

I know I haven’t addressed a lot of questions you probably have for me.  If you’d like to leave comments below, I’m thinking I will read them off & answer them in a final YouTube video some not so distant weekend.  Kind of like an interview.

But it really is time to turn to my new project now… or the second phase of this one.  I make my own directives now, & that means I have pages & pages yet to write tonight.

I have been touched by your interest & affection & wish you all the very best.  Even the creeps!  I wish all you creeps the best too.  But most of you aren’t creeps. Most of you are very nice people.  I wish you’d had someone better than me to entertain you all this time, & maybe I’ll make it up to you sometime, somehow.

Meanwhile…

I’m free!  I’m free! I’m free!

An explanation (of sorts) for my sudden disappearance after nine solid months of work on the livedby project is coming shortly. I want to take my time with it.  I hope, when it turns up, it will suffice.

In the meantime, my erstwhile fans,  I’d like to hear from you,   We used to get thousands of hits a day here but now I haven’t checked in months.  If you’re still here, stand up & be counted once & for all!   I’d like to hear what you thought about this whole undertaking, hear what pleased & disappointed you about my execution, etc. & I’d like you to chime in with ideas about what you would have LIKED (or would still like)  to see me do.   Due to lack of funding, my original plan for the final week fell through, & I will be cobbling something together out of reader requests. Each of you has a chance to participate in the most important week of the year. & after a long long break, I think I owe it to you!

Get to work in the comments.  This time I’ll be around.  & when I’m not around, I’ll be drinking wine from a borrowed teacup or sleeping in a tube-top leotard (not pictured).

–

(But seriously, if you’re a truth junkie, I wouldn’t bother with the below.  You can get your fix elsewhere.)  

—

Week 39 was OTHER WOMAN Week &, as the other woman, I had to spend a lot of time beautifying myself & keeping a low profile.  I was also supposed to attend a wedding with A, my host. 

I am typing this out on the floor of A’s study in L_____, New Mexico, surrounded by piles of unfolded laundry & discarded proofs for his manuscript on bees.  I was supposed to be gone by now, but you know how these things go. 

I’ve never been to New Mexico before & didn’t expect to like it but I do.  I didn’t know the rocks would be so red.  There are a lot of cacti here & they remind me of my childhood, as my father was once a cactus hobbyist of sorts.  There are also a lot of lizards (one, sans tail, is sunning himself on the windowsill) & they also take me back. They were everywhere in LA when I was a kid but I haven’t seen any for several years.  Have they vanished, for some reason (like the bees?) or have I simply lost my eye for them? 

Blah, blah.  Dolly (the dog) is running around in circles, bored out of her skull (like me, I guess).  She can’t go outside unless we take her, because of coyotes, & we don’t. 

Anyway, I got here Sunday but we don’t talk about Sundays.  It was late, anyway, & I only went to bed.  I slept in A’s daughter’s room which is full of old prize ribbons & horse posters.  There are photographs of her in there, at various ages, no point in describing them.  She’s the type of girl who likes horses, you’ve seen a million.  But it was very nice of her to let me sleep in her bed, albeit unknowingly. 

MONDAY we woke at six (A is an early riser) & swam laps in the pool, which nearly killed me.  I can’t believe A, who’s nearly sixty, is in better shape than me!  After a breakfast of bran & yogurt (next time I’m the Other Woman I’ll pick someone young!) he went in to work on his bees & I set about beautifying myself with the supplies provided.  I gave myself a pedicure (red) & a manicure (red) & spilled juice (red) on the carpet.  I used a very clean, very white hand towel to sop it up. 

A had told me to dye my hair blonde & provided the dye, but as you know, I don’t make lasting changes—either in the course of this project or in the course of life!!  Still, since A is such a dear, intimate friend of mine, I decided to humor him & dyed the very tips of my hair.  I’ll cut it off when I get home. 

When I came down to lunch to show him he was tolerant & amused. We had fajitas. 

Then I put on his wife’s old bathing suit (just following my orders, ma’am) & just hung out for the rest of the day.  Getting a tan, scooping wasps out of the pool, & taking pictures of Dolly with her nose pressed to the back window.  Unfortunately, I have no pictures to show, as later that day I dropped my phone in the pool. 

In the evening A went to the store.  “Don’t answer the phone!” he told me.  For goodness sake. Why would I answer the phone? But when it rang I did.  Whoever was on the other line hung up. 

Oops!  Just reflex, I suppose.  & I guess I thought it would be an Other Woman sort of thing to do. 

When A got back we had steak & avocado & very good tequila with lime.  He goes to bed early because he is sooooo old so I just watched TV on my computer & smoked cigarettes out by the pool.  The insects are very loud here. Dolly had lots of nightmares. 

TUESDAY we went to visit Max the carpenter in his shop.  What this has to do with being the other woman, I don’t know.  A told Max I was a visiting niece.  We could’ve told him I was a visiting grandmother – Max is basically blind.  But he carves very beautiful wooden benches, mostly by touch I suppose. 

Max showed me around his shop (I don’t remember the names of the tools) & gave me a tiny painter’s mannequin (A told him I was an artist).  There was a cactus outside the front of the shop that must be nine feet high at least. 

We had egg salad sandwiches for lunch. 

Then A & I went to Cynthia’s bookstore.  I’m not sure she bought the whole niece thing, but she was very pleasant to me regardless, & I bought several new (old) books there but haven’t read much of any of them, with the exception of Psychopathia Sexualis, my new favorite.  A bought some books on bees & an antique magnifying glass. 

In the evening I beautified myself some more with sugar & a microwave. 

Before we went to bed A gave me a small tattoo.  It was optional, but I’ve grown very fond of him so I let him. 

WEDNESDAY was another early day.  We swam (easier this time) & had strawberries for breakfast.  Other Woman Week, by now, had begun to feel surprisingly natural—oddly secure, as if my life were not characterized by massive instability!  I think A was enjoying it too, the make-believe intrigue was a safe, harmless way of livening things up. 

He gave me $50 to buy my dress for the wedding & sent me into town.  “Don’t crash my car!” he said.  So I only backed it into the statue at the end of the drive a little. 

There were a couple pink dresses at the Goodwill (I was supposed to wear pink) & I found a nice housedress from the 40s in my size.  I bought a red belt to match the red flats I’d brought with me.  The ladies in the shop looked at me curiously.  I suppose I’m a little out of place here. 

Once home I ate chocolates & practiced my hairstyle for the wedding. 

That evening, I was about to go swimming when A’s wife called.  I didn’t feel right about wearing her bikini so I didn’t.  One must draw the line somewhere! 

THURSDAY was the wedding.  I suppose they were getting married on a week day because it was cheap. Well everyone out here is self-employed or retired so it makes no difference. 

After an early swim & breakfast, I did my hair & makeup & got into my dress.  Unfortunately my manicure chipped a little.  A had me tie his tie  but it was a purely symbolic gesture.  This was an informal affair & no ties were necessary—he took it off after. 

We put Dolly in her crate & headed over to Mark & Elaine’s. We almost hit an opossum on the way.  A had gotten them a gift certificate to Home Depot– I was his plus one so I didn’t need to bring anything.  

I was nervous about going to a wedding full of strangers as A’s “niece” but this was all part of Other Woman week.  I suppose I was picturing a small backyard thing, but their yard was very large & there were well over a hundred guests.  I fit in fine & people accepted me pretty much at face value with only a few sidelong glances.  A is only their neighbor after all, & they all know his wife is often away for work.  Most of them haven’t even met her.

The ceremony was simple (it’s Elaine’s second & Mark’s third).  We sat at the same tables we’d later eat dinner at, like they do at the Golden Globes.  The couple exchanged vows by a fountain & their dog Kip jumped into it in the middle then leaned on the flowergirl, getting her shoes muddy.  No one seemed to mind. 

There were lots of birds of paradise & painted paper lanterns.  There were fortune cookies on all the tables & the fortunes were unrelentingly positive which, I must confess, took some of the fun out.  Mine said “You will inherit money & jewelry” which I thought was in poor taste. 

We were at the same table as Max the Carpenter & his wife & Cynthia & her partner.   I held my own as they told stories about, you know, living in New York in the seventies & stuff but I got a little bored after dinner & moved on to a table of young people.  Young men, really.  A group of nephews, most of whom hadn’t brought dates!  There’s hope for me yet, Mom.  We all drank champagne & danced & as it got dark the lanterns were lit & all in all it was very pretty & festive. 

A left at 11 & so I had to go with him.  I gave one of the nephews his jacket back & got into the car.  I was a little disappointed at leaving just as the fun was getting started, but I was so tired that on the short drive back I fell asleep. 

FRIDAY we woke up early again which was awful because I drank too much!  But A was sympathetic & didn’t make me swim laps.  I read the paper & sunbathed in his wife’s bikini while he swam.  I made sure to keep my small prison tattoo well out of the sun.  When the paper proved too taxing I cut the blond bits out of my hair with a pair of nail scissors.  I can get it cleaned up when & if I get back to LA. 

Anyway, this was all very incriminating when A’s wife showed up—unexpectedly, so far as I was concerned.  She was a nice, understandably harried woman with a ponytail & a houndstooth overnight bag.  When she opened the patio door, Dolly ran out after her, yipping.  Not knowing what else to do, I covered my head with the newspaper & pretended to be asleep.

I thought A would be distressed but he got out of the pool (must he insist on wearing a speedo?) & introduced me quite affably.  I kept the newspaper on my head but realized, at that moment, that this had been the intention behind Other Woman Week all along.  Since, of course, A & I had not been doing anything forbidden by God, this was all just a silly misunderstanding!  & yet, it was all so implausible as far as misunderstandings go that his wife had no choice but to shout a little, apologize to me, & then drive back to wherever she came from.  The airport?   Can you do that these days?  Just get on a plane? 

Anyway, it was all over in about 15 minutes.  A went inside & got back to work on his bees & things were a little chilly between us until dinner time but by then we could laugh. 

Now it seems I am staying here indefinitely & I don’t know what else to tell you.  Have I learned anything from all this?  I suppose I’ve learned a lot about the mating habits of bees.  I could tell you about that, but I don’t think you’d like it at all.  It’s rather gruesome, & anyway you can just buy A’s book when it comes out.

Moving on, Week 38 was TD’s week.  Long awaited, for some of you—who is TD?   It is, however, bound to be a little anti-climactic.  Though my week was, I assure you, a thrill a minute to live, I was presented with no schedule, no biography… & no hope.  I spent most of the week in the company of TD’s family.   Sorry, TD—they’re my family now! Anyway, I didn’t take any pictures, & I don’t think it’s polite to write about people you know on the internet, so you will have to make do with (this) series of (the following) impressions. 
You know what I always say?  The best captions need no photographs. 

I arrived at TD’s brother’s apartment on Monday afternoon &, in light rain, TD dragged my suitcase up the stairs.  I greeted his family & their (two adorable) children, & settled down in the spare room.  (For me, settling down means mussing up the clothes in my [borrowed] suitcase & stacking my books against the wall).

 I don’t know what happened next but somehow we ended up eating rabbit & lamb at a nice little Italian place in Brooklyn.  TD & I ended up there, that is.  The food was very delicious.  After a week of ______ _____ for my only sustenance, I must say it was nice to eat something that didn’t come out of a ___.  Like sheets on the bed!  What luxury!  We sat beside a couple who was evidently on the worst first date in the history of the world.  The whole time they talked (stiltedly) on such scintillating topics as the thickness of pickles at McDonald’s & the fishiness of various kinds of fish. 

We returned to my temporary home & TD fell asleep on the sofa.  I bonded with his family before retiring myself. 

On Tuesday, the weather was appallingly rainy, windy… & bad.  We took the kids to Diary of a Wimpy Kid.  The boy was very frightened of the cheese.  Then we went out to get one dollar oysters.  They were awful & we didn’t finish.  The wind blew, the badness raged, & the cold rain dashed us to pieces.  We also met up with Fernando (you remember Fernando) & his lovely girlfriend (you remember his lovely girlfriend).  Then we went to a very fancy restaurant & ate marrow bones & duck.  So on.  Fernando & gf did not join us as they are now vegan. 

Wednesday!  The rain had relented but TD was sick.  We took the kids to Prospect Park where they rode their bikes through a deep, pond-like puddle & got soaked to the skin.  After climbing a tree we stopped by a lake where a surly middle-aged woman sat on a bench with binoculars.  She left in a huff when I took the little boy’s shoes off to dry & warm his feet.  Her bitter expression told us A PARK IS NO PLACE FOR CHILDREN!  I think there’s a special spot in…. well, you know, for her.   

Anyway, the sun was out, & TD had to look at a manuscript at what I like to call the Morgue & Library.  So I sat in Starbucks while he worked & compiled my application for the Ruth Lilly Fellowship.  I’ll have you know, I was a finalist in 2008.   If I get it this year (awfully unlikely but we can stil hop) I’ll have 15,000 for my poetry!  So keep your fingers crossed for me.  TD helped me revise my application & statement.

At the Starbucks, the woman beside me told her friend that her fetus had tested positive for Down’s Syndrome.  I felt very sorry for this woman as she wept. Then she said “Should I even ask the gender?” Her friend took her hand & said, “No. It’s nothing now.” The pregnant woman said “You’re right.  Tell your mother I had a miscarriage.”  How cold! My sympathy flew out the window. She deserves what she gets.    

We went to Penn Station, where TD bought his ticket to Boston. 

That night we did something, but I don’t remember what.  I think it had something to do with TD’s friend JM. 

Thursday it was beautiful & sunny.  By the way, people who don’t like to talk about the weather are boring.  TD was awfully sick & I don’t know what we did in the day, but in the afternoon we walked along the Brooklyn Bridge.  Lots of Hassidic Jews were out on bicycles & one of them crashed into TD.  He was very anti-Semitic about it. 

We went into a bookshop & did a contest of who could find the worst poem.  I think he won, but I was a close second.  Then we went for a drink & met up with JM, who awkwardly coerced me into kissing him on the cheek & gave me this CD.  “Be in Love” he said, wink wink. Oh, love.  We got some ramen.  This was TD’s last night in NY. 

Friday morning TD left & I sat on the back porch with his niece.  I French-braided her hair & she told me how third grade is hard because no one wants to play family anymore.  Or maybe that was Saturday.  Anyway, third grade IS hard, I remember. 

That afternoon, I went for lunch with a brilliant director.  We had a lot of good food, (the high point was a lobster & burrata salad) & we had a good long talk.  The best part is, he helped me uncover an EXCELLENT idea for My Book.  You can stop holding your breath.  It’s going to be about The Project.  The Brilliant Director is a very wise friend & our lunch was invigorating.  I wandered about Central Park before returning to the apartment. 

Once back in Brooklyn, I babysat for awhile, then spent some time with TD’s family.  TD’s brother strummed a small blue guitar & he & his wife told me about living in NY during 9-11. It made me feel very patriotic.  We drank Canadian beer & discussed the greatness of America.  GOD it’s a great country. 

I was still excited about My Book.  I jotted down ideas as we talked.  For one thing, there’s going to be four sick old women. But that’s only the beginning. 

On Saturday, I woke late.  TD’s niece was going to a sleepover & I did her hair in a fancy ponytail.  We went shopping & dropped her off at the sleepover, then had a late lunch.  We purchased stuff for Easter (like chickens that lay gumball eggs when you wind them up!)  & hid it in the spare room.  Then I watched Sleeping Beauty with TD’s nephew who told me that sometimes two people just like each other (“Like me and you, right?”). He also told me that sometimes he pees like a girl, “but all people make mistakes.”  It’s true.  All people DO make mistakes. 

I really love children. 

That evening, after The Parents arrived, we compiled Easter baskets & dyed eggs.  We hid the candy eggs & put the boiled ones in the basket.  It was the best time I’ve had in a long while & I’m sorry I ever had to leave. 

I hope to move to New York soon, & then I can play spinster aunt to TD’s lovely relatives.  Until then, you may find me here, writing my blog posts by candlelight.

I don’t know if you know this, but I have a wrinkle.  It’s a frown line between my eyebrows.  It appeared a year ago, & it only keeps getting deeper.  Botox may help me or I don’t know what.  But one thing’s for certain…

I have no idea what I’m doing.

I do have my schedule for Week 39 but I’ve caught TD’s cold & I’m exhausted.  It’s a very work-intensive schedule, as you will soon see, so it won’t be up for a little while.  It’s hard to explain, but I’ve kind of got to make it up myself.  Tomorrow maybe.  Anyway, I’ve been doing it.  & I’ll be around.  At least for the next 12 weeks.

I couldn’t write my blog last night because I slept at my friend’s.  & then I was out all day.  Now it’s nearly 2:00am– on my day off, no less!– but because I’m very devoted I’m taking care of business now.  I may disappoint you, but I’ll never fail you entirely.  

Yesterday was a wonderful day.  I was only allowed to eat foods which were aphrodisiac or visually or texturally suggestive.  For someone with a cleaner mind, I suppose that might’ve been difficult.  

In the morning, on the way to Zeahna’s house, I stopped at McDonald’s, where I got french fries.  I hold that french fries are phallic.  Having never seen an actual phallus, I can’t be sure.  But, you know.  I have a pretty good idea from the internet.  I was supposed to provide photographic proof, but I was driving.  Anyway, you all know what McDonald’s french fries look like.  

Also, I had some watermelon juice.  Why?  I dreamed about it several nights previous.  I was supposed to eat the food I ate in dreams.  

When I got to Zeahna’s we went for a late lunch at some very delicious pizza sort of place.  It may have been called Mozza?  

We had mussels: 

sea. what i mean.

& then some pizza.

suggest THIS!

& then we went shopping & I bought a LOT of clothes!  Including these very nice shoes but it turns out I can’t walk in them.  Well, good thing I live in Los Angeles, I guess.  One hardly has to walk at all.  

but Zeahna looks nice when she walks

we shopped… & shopped.  Thrift stores only, Melrose.  Man I got some good things.  I’m actually borderline presentable now!  Our last stop was the American Apparel factory.  

they had good deals!

Then we met up with some friends from high school.  Some I hadn’t seen for nearly 10 years!  We were eating dinner, but fortunately it was at some place that only serves sausages.  

it was a total sausage fest

I’m sorry the picture is blurry but it was dark.  I had a normal kielbasa, but my friends ate everything from rabbit to rattlesnake.  In fact, rabbit & rattlesnake came in the same sausage!  

Later, I went for drinks with Zeahna & Jeff at Zeahna’s work.  Suddenly, they started bringing out a lot of free food.  I was kind of torn between my daily directives & my desire to be polite.  Then, I realized that FREE FOOD is the biggest aphrodisiac of all!  So much for the list of foods I’d painstakingly copied down in Zeahna’s apartment.  I had potato soup & tuna sashimi & a blood orange dessert & more.  

In case you had any doubts whether or not free food is suggestive, take a look at the “bill” they brought us at the end of the night.  If you have small children reading, you might want to cover their eyes.  

For goodness sake!

You can’t say I didn’t warn you.  I was shocked myself.  

Since I had drunk some tequila, I slept on their futon.  It was exceedingly comfortable, & their dog kept me company through the night.  

I apologize for the truncated nature of this post, but it’s coming a day late so it’s rather stale in the memory– also, I’m awfully sleepy!  Speaking of late, next week’s SCHEDULE is late, but it will be up as soon as it arrives.  

Until next time, I am yours.  Always.

Today is FOOD AND MEMORY day & today I could only eat foods I remember eating before.  I had to take notes before & after eating these foods so I kept it simple & didn’t eat.  I also had to write my memories of three project-inspired meals.  I choose to keep those private, except for the one I choose to relive, of course.  It was the marshmallows from Week 2, Ptolemy’s week.  It seemed the simplest.  I tried to see how many marshmallows I could fit in my mouth, remember?  

& there she is.  That’s the girl you fell in love with!  

Unfortunately as the year has dragged on, the novelty has (as you’ve noticed) worn off.  As for my memory:  I wrote (this is lazy of me) “Back then it was fun & new.”  

I tried it tonight & it was the opposite, but I did fit one more marshmallow!  Sadly, I had no dog around to eat the leftovers.  No excited throngs of commenters, no stranger PT reeling in shock at how well I carried it off.  Even J.D. Salinger, who inspired that day’s directives, has perished by now! No no no nothing!

Oh but I am happy.  How curious!  It might be because, as of Sunday, I have only 15 weeks left.  I feel kind of as if I were the Ancient Mariner & then someone told me I had only 15 weeks left.  

Still, I do feel guilty every day for having disappointed you all.  Back in the old days there used to be 30 happy comments each post! We had such fun together, randoms, & then I had to go & get so grim.  At the same time, I only feel so grim because I’m not being met with various forms of enthusiastic encouragement & blind adulation.  Why can’t the world approve of my every mood & decision?  Irate Pilates instructors & jealous girlfriends ruin everything.  

Well, I just watched “Memory” (you know, from Cats? Andrew Lloyd Webber?) thinking it would be just so funny to post it, but I couldn’t even make it through the whole video.  Yes, it’s appropriately kitsch, & the lyrics are suitable for the day’s theme, but maybe you should just hear it in your heads.

What an unproductive morning! You cry.  Please post a picture of your knees!  

Or, You would read books, you tramp! and Shameless strumpet!  I’m wise to your filthy tricks.    

Just who do you think you are?

I ask myself the same thing every morning.  It’s odd being such a public Emily.  Get it?   

For lunch I went to a birthday in the office of an old friend.  I ate Cobb salad & four kinds of cake.  I’d describe the office but that’s classified information.  I will say I saw fat kittens & went home with a very nice vintage necklace.  Also, I saw four people I’ve never seen before eat pie.  

By the way, last night someone infiltrated my dreams to play a nasty trick on me.  I dreamt I drank fresh squeezed lemon water with a single crushed mint leaf & a splash of watermelon juice.  Guys, that’s not even a very good recipe, but by the end of the week I’ll have to drink it.  Regarding God, 

Inscrutable His ways are, and immune
To catechism by a mind too strewn
With petty cares to slightly understand
What awful brain compels His awful hand.

What else can be said.  

Once I got home I read some more & did not wash my face.  & then I headed out to my aunt’s for halibut & cupcakes.  You heard me, cupcakes.  Strike one dream food off the list.  I also had green beans & mashed potatoes & met several fascinating people including a young man named Squeaky.  

We didn’t know what movie to watch & decided on a film released last year of which very few of us had heard.  Pirate Radio.  I just IMDB’d it & apparently it was called The Boat That Rocked in England.  

It was one of the most heartwarming, nicely-done movies I’ve ever seen!  We all applauded at the end.  When does that ever happen at private home screenings?  Where no one there was involved in the production?  I don’t know how it was overlooked at the Oscars this year.  Or how I never heard of it.  It had a little of everything, from shipwrecks to January Jones. Very light, but very cute & uplifting.  I know how much I hate being cute & uplifting, so no offense intended to the people involved.  Just watch it.    

Now I’m home, with a smile on my now someone dirty face.  & how wonderful.  What a wonderful mood in which to write the menu for my own memorial service.  

It’s funny, I’ve been planning my own funeral since I was six years old, but I’ve never given much thought to the menu.  After all, I don’t know how well food & death go together, though I’ve been told I’d make an appetizing corpse.  I suppose I could serve myself up to you all at my own funeral service.  A healthy serving of Zinnemann roasted on a spit might be nice?  Though I hear it’s not healthy to eat animals who have died of natural causes & I suppose my mother might be a little squeamish.  

Honestly though, I think the ideal menu for any occasion is meat.  However, I don’t know how many people want to eat carpaccio at a funeral.  I suppose I’d keep it light… oysters, champagne.  Berries.  Crab legs.  I think people would also feel more melancholy on an empty stomach, so that would be good.  Still, I’m no sadist. Dark hot chocolate for the children & the crybabies– chocolate soothes the soul.  

God, don’t hold me to this.  Serve whatever you want.  

Speaking of carpaccio, I’ve heard from more ex-boyfriends.  Their favorite meals are steak frites & confit de canard & I remind them of cassoulet & carpaccio.  Curiously, neither of them is European.  But they both wear glasses & fancy shoes.  Ah, youth.  So I’ll have to find some stranger to eat some of two of these things in front of me by Saturday night.  

As for my ideal last meal?  I have to say, it depends on my mood.  But, assuming my mood about facing impending death would be anxious, I think I might predict a hankering for whiskey & pills.  

In conclusion, my face may be dirty but my conscience is clean!  Goonight sweet ladies.

But now the internet is finally (finally!) back.  Here’s what I wrote yesterday.

Well here I am, sitting on the bathroom floor with no internet connection.  You know, at first I thought I was going to have to write this blog in the morning, but soon realized nothing could make me want to get out of bed less!  Anyway—& I don’t have a hard copy of my schedule in front of me, but—I think I’m supposed to write my blog every night.  So here goes something. 

Today was a day much like any other.  You know, wacky & unpredictable, full of long dead hours & dropped phone calls.  At least the television is working!  I don’t know where I’d be without Patti Sanger on Millionaire Matchmaker proclaiming her love of God & “See oh see kay.”  She said that at like, 8:00pm & I was all, uh, you can say that on television? 

Also, DF is finally back from the hospital! So that’s nice for everyone. 

Back to business.  I did not dream about food.  This afternoon I selected 10 Facebook friends & posted on their walls telling them what foods they reminded me of.  There was a curious lack of response.  The best one, I think, was one ex-boyfriend who deleted my post & then sent me a text message calling me a scorpion. Whoa!  Cheese on toast no longer seems so benign.  I wonder what happened?  He must have a new girlfriend.  Maybe I shouldn’t ask him what dish I most remind him of tomorrow!  Boys can be so fickle. 

I’ll post the full list of foods/responses etc. in the comments once I have internet. 

In other news, today I ordered Chinese food for the first time since New York.  I ordered enough for a trillion people, thinking I can eat it for two days.  So I had roast duck & rock cod & salt & pepper shrimp & sizzling rice soup.  Exciting, right? 

So I feel sick & sick of thinking about food.  It’s hot & earthquakey here in Los Angeles.  Any minute could be my last!  & darned if I’m going to spend that minute thinking about cheese on toast.  I could be watching commercials!

Rather bitter, I suppose.  I took a picture of shrimp with heads on but it’s not really worth uploading for my paltry 400 readers.  

Today was a little different– &/or little different.  I woke up early, as the nurses needed me. But I couldn’t help.  After my futility in this situation was determined I went back to bed.  Then, while DF was in dialysis, I went down to the pool.  I read a lot & did a writing exercise.  See, when I’m not writing this thrilling blog, I’m preparing myself to write a thrilling BOOK.  I was so immersed in my little exercise that I got a little sunburn.  I wonder, too, are wasps nesting under the umbrella?  

By the way, last night I dreamt of ham sandwiches, among other (non-food-related) things.  

Finally the cable guy came & boy was HE approximately cute.  He fixed the internet around dinner time.  What did I eat?  Some cold duck & rock cod & rice.  

Then I contacted five ex-boyfriends to see what was their favorite food & what food I most reminded them of.  Few of them got back to me.  However, one (recent) ex says a) steak & b) oysters.  & my boyfriend from seventh grade says a) chicken Makhni & b) pie.  Pie? Pie? God knows why.  But My, my, me oh my. I. Like. Pie.  What’s that movie where Andie MacDowell sings that song about pie? To John Travolta? Who is an angel? About liking pie?  

I read some more.  I thought about going out for St. Patrick’s Day but I’m a hermit lately.  & I didn’t want to deal with all the drunk drivers & cops.  

I went to the store & bought some french vanilla ice cream.  & ate a bite.  I also licked some cinnamon off the back of my hand.  (Two Facebook friends say I remind them of cinnamon & french vanilla, respectively).  So now I only have two foods left to eat from that list.  

I’m sorry there aren’t more pictures but there was nothing to post pictures of.  & when’s the last time you posted a picture?  

In other news, I’m still getting fat.  But I’m going to attempt to deflate soon.  

Now that I have internet, I’ll blog tomorrow.  But I won’t be able to tell you much, as most of my dealings these days are top secret, & I can’t in good conscience compromise the security of the various celebrities with whom I spend most of my time.  My own “father” has told me, on occasion, “Don’t Twitter about this!” & who am I to betray my nearest & dearest simply to satisfy the curiosity of random internet hordes? Who don’t even comment on my blog? 

I’m just teasing.  The comments don’t make all that much of a difference.  Though I do enjoy reading the nice ones, when they come. 

I’ve got another Food Week of sorts.  When will someone do a diet week?  I am getting SO FAT guys, but self-control is a thing of the… oh well. Today was Food and Me day.  

I woke up early with some dream of food, which I will report to you at the end of the week.  & then I went back to sleep.  Woke up late (darn Daylight Saving!) & drank an antioxidant drink made of young coconuts (WHY am I telling you this? I’m supposed to post a list of what I eat each day) on the way to the hospital.  

& then I was in the hospital.  & that was nice too.  I told DF & his nurse & his secretary all about what I was doing this week.  The general consensus is: it’s  nuts.  Oh well, it’s been awhile since I had something elaborate & overwhelming  (DF is, by the way, coming home tomorrow I think.  So that will be nice!) 

After the hospital, I went to the shopping mall food court where I take most of my meals.  I had a beef dip sandwich.  It came with potato chips, a dill pickle, & a cherry Coke.  Make that cheery Coke! Ha. Ha. It was a thrill! a! minute! Four is a good time to be at the food court.  The food’s not that fresh but one can always find a seat.  I don’t like walking with a full tray through a crowded cafeteria.  It reminds me of movies about being uncomfortable in high school.

Once I got home, I put out a general question to friends on Facebook: what food do I remind them of?   I’m not sure why Stu is so keen on me using Facebook this week.  He’s not even ON it!  But I asked my friends nonetheless.  

As of this night’s posting, I have the following responses:

Fernando (you remember Fernando): pistacchio ice cream

Evan (a guy from my L.A. high school who liked film & his dad was in a band & who now, evidently, has a baby): French Vanilla?

Evan (again): er, the french vanilla comes with chocolate covered cocoa beans. So, its a great deal more interesting than plain vanilla.

Robert (a guy from my L.A. high school who was good at electric guitar): Asparagus, cause you make my pee smell funny.

Erin (a girl from my B.C. high school who was in my art class & liked to sing & also, evidently, has a baby): Some kind of exotic fruit! You have this uniqueness about you that makes you so rare and delicious!

Braden (you remember Braden): catfish

Charley (you remember Charley): the ligament bite off a piece of chicken breast. tastes good, but requires extra chewing.

Evan (again): Never mind, I’m drunk. Vanilla Swiss Almond. No cocoa beans involved. But the almonds are covered in dark chocolate.

Joanna (my college roommate): undercooked spaghetti

David (my brother): lasagna

Zeahna (my ninth grade BFF): oilllll

Heather (Fernando’s girlfriend): you are a kiwi fruit. you present yourself as a stone, but you’re actually soft and fuzzy. on the inside, you’re colorful and sweet. even your seeds are digestible.

  

Here I eat you halfway

 

 

See what? I = mean.

 

LOL boobs.

 

There, there.

 

Used this pic, or one like it

 

Fortunately, AR saw that too.  She called me this morning at about a quarter to noon (& woke me up, I’ll have you know!– because I was up! Just! That! Late!)  & we had a nice heart-to-heart about all sorts of things.  Exercise, reality television, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock… anyway, AR said I could take it easy this Saturday & that eight hours of drawing seemed a little excessive.  So long as I thought hard about Eliot for eight hours, I’d be off the hook.

& think I did!  Zeahna made a delicious 2:00pm breakfast of biscuits & gravy, sausage, & egg. I thought about Prufrock (I grow old! I grow old!) while I stirred the gravy.  I thought about Prufrock while I ate my eggs (the yellow fog!)  

I thought about Prufrock at the hospital, for obvious reasons.  I didn’t stay that long.  DF, when he heard I’d been up until 4:30 in the morning told me to go home & get some sleep!  

I kind of obliged that order.  I left the hospital & went to the mall to buy a birthday present for my youngest brother.  He turns nine tomorrow, I think.  Anyway, his birthday party is tomorrow.  I bought him Pirateology & Treasure Island & a skull pen.  I shouldn’t give the secret away but he’s 9 years old (as of today).  Any 9 year old who is reading this blog must be highly sophisticated.  & any 9 year old who is reading this blog before Oliver’s birthday party is up far past his or her bedtime!  

Once home I read a little of The Wasteland & ate some artichoke hearts.  I took out my paints & things but when I tried to work on the project I didn’t really have it in me.  Instead I made phone calls. Stuff like that.  

Then, after awhile, I wrote this blog, making sure to keep it under 500 words.  I wonder what awaits me in the future?  Seventeen weeks left, after all.  Well, I’m sure it will all be very exciting.  

I don’t have to write a summing up post this week, thank goodness.  I can just get ready for Daylight Savings Time & BED.