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Week 9, Day 5

8 09 2009

& thus another long & strange day of being lived by The Bailey Sisters draws to a close! I hardly know where to begin. I could tell you where I end: on a pile of cushions underneath my mother’s dining room table. But how did I get here? Let me turn back the clock & lead you by hand.

I woke up this morning to Jess on the phone. “I’ll be outside at nine!” she told me.

“Yes, of course!” I responded cheerily, reflexively hiding the fact that she’d just woken me up. WHY was she calling me before 7:00am? As I hung up I saw the time on my cell phone. 8:47! So it looks like my alarm didn’t go off after all.

Somehow I made it out the door. Bella was very excited that we were about to go on a long trip but her face when I reached the door & begin to leave without her nearly killed me! I could hear her mournful wails in the elevator. But Jess will have taken her for a walk tonight.

only destiny is awake

Stumbled into the car (I’ll buy Jess breakfast another day) & began the drive to the Horseshoe Bay Ferries. Today I was supposed to travel with 1. the soundtrack provided by the Bailey sisters. The soundtrack turned out to be silence. & the occasional song + static on Jess’ car radio. It’s ok. It lent an air of reality to the whole thing.

Fortunately I made it. Did Jess come with me? No. The Coin of Destiny had determined that I would 2. travel alone. Travel alone I did, bleary-eyed & unbathed as any decent hobo.

Once on the ferry, I 3. flipped the Coin to see if I could have Coke for breakfast. NO. 4. Coke with breakfast? YES! Well, what do you know.

I 3. ate out on the ferry, not sure if I’d have a chance on the island. There’s a photograph of the meal for evidence, but do you really want to see a picture of a tray of egg & toast? The most exciting part is the big paper cup of Coca-Cola. Boy does that stuff make my heart sing.

After a few bites of mystery meat & so forth, I headed to the top deck. Where I pondered things.

i should be wearing a yellow pantsuit

Then I found a seat & (rather sheepishly) 4. consulted the I Ching to see which 5. Radio Lab podcast I should listen to.

sixteen going on seventeen

Well I got Hexagram 16 (Following) with the variable Hexagram 17 (Providing). The answer is clear, right?

“Choice.” That’s what I listened to. It was good & relevant in a way my notes on it aren’t. It lasted just as long as the ferry ride. Then I got off the ferry.

On the way up the gangplank or whatever it’s called I flipped the Coin again.

Do you think because I’m in Nanaimo, the Nanaimo bars are extra good? (NO)

Eventually I encountered my mother, who greeted me by doing what she soon explained was 6. a goldfish dance. Intriguing. & very strange. That wasn’t my plan for “goldfish” but it seemed to be destiny. I decided to keep her goldfish dance as a back-up.

On the drive over, I faced a barrage of decisions. Did I want to go horseback riding? Which of the following seven restaurants did I want to eat at? & what about Christmas plans? Did I want to drive a few hours for oysters? Sit in the front seat? So many decisions! I politely refused to make any of them, & things calmed down a little. Though accidental attempts to force me into decision-making did recur on occasion throughout the day. If I flipped a coin for each of the options my mother gave me, I’d probably be floating in a hot air balloon somewhere over Mexico right now.

Just how do you think I got where I am today?

We ate out again. At a pub. For lunch.

Eventually, we arrived at my mother’s home. She headed out with her husband to buy a trillion oysters & I, after coordinating some things for the project, (& seeing a friend’s post on facebook about a sick goldfish getting an injection at a fish hospital in India!) took the family station wagon out to 7. Qualicum to see the Free Spirit Spheres.

I traveled alone & in silence. As specified by The Coin. Oh I also had a 8. lighter in my pocket.

I got lost, but only a little. Isn’t it nice out there?

HESITATE

That’s me turning around.

oh, bother

I eventually found the spheres but, as I suspected, no visitors without appointments. My fault? No. 9. wasn’t allowed to make reservations so I wheeled back around. But someday I’d like to go stay in those spheres. They sound interesting.

Disappointed? Remember what they tell you on inspirational posters. It’s about the _______, not the ___________.

& this was a journey full of interesting private revelations.

On the way back I picked up a bottle of wine for dinner & remembered I had to flip for a 10. either/or directive set provided by one of my commenters.

I selected Ben Trafford’s, & ended up with HEADS.

why, kissing is gross?

I have to 11. tell you why I think kissing is gross.

I believe I said something to that effect on Twitter a long time ago?

Anyway, kissing is gross, I don’t just think it is. The human mouth is absolutely filthy, much filthier than a dog’s mouth, & it’s a little strange that people like to put their mouths on each other’s mouths & lick each other’s tongues. Did they always do that? Before dental hygiene? I certainly hope not.

I like to think they call it French kissing because the English didn’t do it at all until recently.

However, just because I think kissing is gross doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it on occasion. You don’t kiss with your brain, you know.

Satisfied? Titillated? I wouldn’t be, but to each his own. Next!

Several hours later, I was back in my mother’s home. On 12. the water.

not pictured: shoes, ships, sealing wax

She’d returned with an absolute bounty of oysters! Five dozen, to be precise. First, her husband put some on the grill.

(Cover your eyes, Ptolemy! I’m about to have a wholesome good time).

So I ate a barbecued one. I hope you don’t get fired for looking at a picture of it:

oh dear.

Then I set to work shucking. I’ve never done it before but I became very good very quickly! I think I may have found my calling. I only cut myself once. I prised open an oyster & told it “HA! Serves you right for being an oyster.” & then it cut my hand. I was very proud of it.

gluttony is its own reward

The oyster, not my hand.

I asked the coin if I should pick one of these three to release into the wild.

tails. sorry guys.

So I ate 36 oysters. A dozen for each Bailey sister. Proud?

& then tucked into a dinner of steak.

I flipped The Coin periodically throughout the day in several minor, uninteresting situations. Eg., on the theme of steak “Should I put Tabasco on?” So you get the point.

After dinner, we explored the obedience of the dog by balancing meat on his paws & cheese on his head.

there's got to be more than this

Then it was time to 13. Go camping.

The video is rather long, but full of voyeuristic delights. & I think you should see the kind of ingenuity that runs in the family.

After my tent was set up, I went for a walk along the ocean.

As for my date tomorrow? I’m flipping now.

no makeup
indoor
pants
hair down
booze
smoke
don’t talk about project
goldfish

As for Vancouver, should I go back in the morning or afternoon? (MORNING. noooooooo.)

Once I’m done with this entry, I’ll go to the water again. I’m supposed to do something involving a 14. poem, I believe. I’ll attempt to write out there. But if that fails, I’ll recite something.

Then? To bed:

q. did you hear about the fire at the circus? a. it was in tents

Comments : 23 Comments »
Tags: afternoon, alarms, aloneness, apointments, balance, bathing, bedtime, Bella, bleary-eyed, bounty, breakfast, camping, cheese, choice, Coin of Destiny, Coke, commenters, correspondence, cover your eyes, cushions, cutting, dancing, dating, decisions, dental hygiene, destination, dining room, dinner, directives, dog walks, dogs, dozens, driving, eating out, egg, either/or, evidence, excitement, Facebook, failure, ferries, flipping, following, Free Spirit Spheres, French kissing, gangplanks, goldfish, grossness, hands, hexagrams, hoboes, home, hope, Horseshoe Bay, husbands, I Ching, ingenuity, inspirational posters, intrigue, Jess, journey, kissing, licking, lighters, listening, long day at the office, lunch, making it, meat, moms, morning, mourning, my mother, mystery meat, Nanaimo, nearly killing me, NSFW, ocean, oysters, poetry, pondering, providing, Ptolemy, pubs, Radiolab, reality, reciting, refusal, reservations, seating, shucking, silence, situations, soundtracks, static, steak, strangeness, stumbling, Tabasco, tables, telephone, The Bailey Sisters, the English, the human mouth, the island, the point, the shore, the wild, time, titillation, toast, tongues, Trafford, travel, trips, turning back the clock, twitter, voyeurism, wailing, waking up, water, wine
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Week 9, Day 1

4 09 2009

Very, VERY sleepy! This is my first day of being lived by The Bailey Sisters/I Ching & it’s not even over! Thankfully, the Coin of Destiny told me I could take a break from watching my movie to write this blog. So here I am.

Today, I began a week based solely on chance. Large decisions are to be decided by the I Ching (trans. Rudolf Ritsema & Shantena Augusto Abbadini) & small decisions by the Coin of Destiny provided by the Baileys. Already this year I have surrendered my life to chance– this is only highlighted by the open-ended nature of the Baileys’ assignment(s) for me!

As soon as I awoke, I flipped the Coin of Destiny to decide what I should do.

The Coin of Destiny has spoken

1. Heads, I get up. Tails, I stay in bed & read I Ching.

Tails. I read the introduction. Then I asked my trusty oracle if I should 2. (Heads) get up or (Tails) go back to sleep. Tails. I went back to sleep.

Slept for a VERY long time. Until 1:00, nearly! But I was still recovering from last night’s dinner party. Eventually I got out of bed. I then 3. Consulted the I Ching to determine what the best days for (a) travel (b) gambling & (c) dating are.

The I Ching is rather complicated & I’m not sure how well I can explain it here. I won’t attempt to explain the process. Suffice to say, I flip three provided pennies six times &, using some simple calculations, divine my answers to the questions posed.

The first question I asked was 4. when I should go to the casino. Is Tuesday the best day? I was presented with Hexagram 6: arguing, conformity, pitfalls, etc. That didn’t sound good! Is Wednesday the best day? Hexagram 34, “The Great’s Vigor” seemed to suggest so. It suggested that Harvesting & Trial were central motifs. So I’ll go with Wednesday.

I then asked if Monday was the 5. best day for travel. I was presented with Hexagram 2 (Space: Spring, growing, harvesting; trial belonging to the female [horse]; directed going; beforehand delusion, afterwards acquiring; Western South: acquiring partnering; Eastern North: losing partnering; Peaceful Trial: significant) with the variable Hexagram 16 (Providing; Harvesting: installing feudatories, moving legions). There were also other images & signs associated with each hexagram (& the variable lines). I took this as a positive & will travel (where?) on Monday.

Then I asked how today would be (The Great Possessing! Spring, growing). Friday (conjunction [esp. of thighs!], repenting, holding onto one’s following [hint, hint]; providing, trial, lateness, procrastination)? Saturday (conjunction: purpose located outside, yielding not harmful; Great’s Vigor: vigor, discipline, pitfalls, significant trial, versatility, losing the goat?!)? Tuesday (The Radiance: harvesting, trial, growing, female, significant). I concluded that 6. Friday, Saturday, & Tuesday would be the most “auspicious” days for dating.

Some of the day's notes

Now to 7. create a profile on plentyoffish.com. I’ve never used a dating website before. One out of two of the Canadians I know, however, seem to swear by this place. I 8. Flipped the Coin of Destiny to determine if I should create a fake profile or a real one. Tails. I made a real one.

How could you say no to this face?

I created a profile under the name “publicemily.” Very clever, if I do say so myself.

Here’s what my profile says (though if you’re already on plenty of fish you can check it out for yourself):

I’ve never had an online profile before but I’ve been ordered to set one up by this week’s puppetmasters!

I just moved to Vancouver in July. I’m easygoing, well-read & up for anything (except boredom & violence). I have a big dog, a dark sense of humor & a taste for old movies. I like wearing dresses & drinking whiskey &/or champagne. Into fine dining (on a modest budget), blackberry picking, & OF COURSE long walks on the beach!

I get along with anyone who is relaxed & confident. You don’t even need a sense of humor.

I’m a card-carrying writer who is spending the year being lived by other people. I’m only on Week 9 but it’s taken me lots of interesting places so far… Mormon churches, wheelchairs, the stands of Lions’ games. But the best is yet to come.

This week, three sisters have given me the order to use the I Ching to govern all my major decisions & the flip of a coin to determine the minor ones. They had me set up this profile, & I’m supposed to go on three dates, with three different men! I used the I Ching to determine the best days for these dates, & they are: Friday, Sept. 4; Saturday, Sept. 5; & Tuesday, Sept. 8. That’s where your help comes in!

[EDIT: Found my dates! That was fast. But this profile will remain up until my week ends next Wednesday, just in case anyone wants to attempt to sweep me off my feet.]

My schedule is very open as this project is my work for the year. So if you’re free on one of the above days & I like the cut of your jib, let’s get together for some casual fun! I don’t have use of my car at present, so I’d like to stick close to downtown if possible.

If things go well, I might even give you a week! If you like, you can see more about the project at livedby.com

I tried to make it at least moderately enticing. It seemed to work! I have a date for tomorrow (he contacted me) & one for Tuesday (I contacted him). I’m also going on a “date” with Simon on Saturday. So there’s a good variety there. I also got other requests! Be still my ego. I’ll leave the profile up till the end of the week.

Fate is great.

I was supposed to 9. flip the Coin of Destiny to determine whether my dates would take place at day or night. Most of the flipping I’ll leave to the day of, as I like to save things for the last minute. But for practical reasons I flipped for the times today. Tails every time, for night. By now I was beginning to think the coin was weighted.

I also 10. flipped to see if my Friday & Tuesday dates would take place indoors or outdoors. Results? Indoors for both.

What fun. Then I 11. consulted the Coin for several other things. Heads is always yes, in my book. Tails, no.

Should I Skype Andrew (NO)
Should I call Jess (NO)
Should I call Kyla (YES)– so the coin isn’t weighted. But she wasn’t in.

Meanwhile, Bella decided she wanted to lie outside on the balcony for several hours.

At first I thought she was dying, but she just wanted some sun.

Then there were more things to be decided.

Heads: Take out; Tails: Cook (HEADS)
Heads: French fries; Tails: Something healthier (HEADS) — why, whenever I let God into my life, does he tell me to eat french fries?
Are my fingernails too long? (YES)
Should I cut them? (YES)
Right now? (NO)
Should I put on make-up? (NO)
Should I change my profile picture on Facebook because Ptolemy made fun of it? (NO)

I headed out for some french fries.

Should I go (back to that shop window I passed) & look at those boots? (YES) — I didn’t like them as much as I thought
Should I start wearing an anklet in an attempt to bring the anklet back? (NO)

It’s nice having this coin. I don’t know what I’ll do without it!

Probably contract fewer contagious diseases.

Probably contract fewer communicable diseases.

Once at home, I consulted the coin once more. Should I

Heads: Stay in & watch Scenes of a Marriage or Tails: Go out for a movie (HEADS)

So that was settled. I was also supposed to 11. listen to a Radio Lab podcast to be determined through divination. I consulted the I Ching. It presented me with the primary Hexagram 41 (Diminishing), 14 (The Great Possessing) as a secondary. Both had a lot of interesting things to say, but both emphasized the significance of spring. I decided my podcast would have to be made in the spring. That left me with the options of “Time,” “Where I Am,” & “Stochastisity.” I determined that “Where I Am” would be the best option, as one of the hexagrams had, as a central image “three people moving.”

Should I listen to the podcast before or after the movie? 12. I flipped– heads. I’d listen before.

Time for the liquor store, I thought. 13. Heads: beer, Tails: wine. I flipped tails. Disappointment! Poured a sip of wine into a mug.

14. NOW can I buy some beer? (Yes)

Went to the liquor store, where the 15. Coin of Destiny selected a Granville Island IPA.

Then I headed back home where I 15. listened to the day’s podcast while playing some computer solitaire. It fascinated me for all the right reasons, but now I’m drowsy & can’t articulate anything. The central theme was the relationship of the brain to the body. It was very elucidating.

If you're a Chosen Person you can balance a large coin on the bridge of your nose, directly over 3rd eye. Thanks, G-d!

Then I started my movie. Very good so far. I also had an idea. During the movie, I 16. Asked the Coin of Destiny if it would be a good idea to let my commenters in on this week’s game of chance. YES.

This week (& this week only!) commenters may propose, each day, an either/or activity for me. I will select my favorite proposal from the comments, flip The Coin &– according to the answer (heads for option 1, tails for option 2)– I will perform the proposed task. It’s best if you keep the day’s schedule in mind– nothing too time-consuming or difficult to execute. But that’s not to say it can’t be psychologically significant– it can be a large over-arching task that I may work into the day’s directives (eg., wear a hat all day, speak without adverbs, smile at every person I see etc.) Get to work, worker bees!

Then I continued to watch the film. I paused right after Johan told his wife he was leaving her. I had a question. 17. Should I pause to take the dog for a walk & write my blog? (YES).

So I took herself out for her nightly constitutional.

Witness a dog who grew up in elevators.

Now I’m back. & it’s time to finish the movie.

This has been a fun & rather relaxing day so far. I have always possessed the blessed combination of indecisiveness & superstition, so living according to chance has, thus far, been liberating rather than challenging for me. Also, this is the first week in AGES where I don’t have to post practically everything that I eat. That has been an absolute joy.

Tomorrow I’ll have my first date & determine, using the I Ching, where I will travel on Monday. Stay tuned, friends. & if any of you have other translations of the I Ching & would like to offer alternate readings/guidance, I welcome it. This particular translation is somewhat difficult to interpret.

It’s likely I will fall unconscious on the couch attempting to watch the rest of this very long film. But– you must know how this is– I want to see what happens.

Comments : 36 Comments »
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Week 8, Day 2

28 08 2009

I’m writing this entry just before sunset, on a wooden deck on the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean. I’m surrounded by pine & arbutus trees & the occasional mosquito, 1. sipping a glass of the wine we picked up at the vineyard today & watching the hawks as Bella noses around the moss & paving stones.

I learned it from watching you

Nicely done, Allyson!

We left this morning for the 2. 11:35 ferry to Salt Spring Island, picking up some sandwiches for lunch along the way.

Clockwise, from left: ginger beer, coconut water, ham & cheese, roast beef, salt & vinegar

It was a two hour ferry ride, but the scenery out here is beautiful, as most of you probably know. Mountains, covered in pine trees, rising straight out of the (very calm) ocean. Pleasant weather, a cloudy sky. While on the ferry, I entertained myself by 3. making little pen sketches of things I saw (four sketches in total, none of them very good, as passengers tend to move around & the view passes quite quickly). Later this week, I will 4. Mail them to Allyson in her Lived By care package.

Then we entertained ourselves by reading until we arrived. TD brought five books, among them Massacre at Montsegur: A History of the Albigensian Crusade. But on the ferry he opted for lighter fare: King Leopold’s Ghosts. I stuck to Colette.

Don't you think the Clintons should have been at Ted Kennedy's funeral?

Salt Spring Island seemed like a very cheerful place, more developed than Galiano. We passed many little bakeries & fishmongers & more than one vineyard. Also several sweet-looking B&B’s. It’s a shame we only had an hour on the island! It would’ve been nice to spend a whole day there. There was so much we would have liked to see (& eat! Like oysters!) Maybe someday.

After getting lost (but only a little) we arrived at 4. the Salt Spring Vineyard. It was so picturesque! The little street outside it was dripping with blackberries. There was live music playing as we approached & I 5. made a recording with my iPhone. Mostly, you just hear gravel crunching under our feet, but I’m sure that lends an air of authenticity to it all. I’ll 6. e-mail that to Allyson later tonight.

I could feel Allyson getting excited

The vineyard itself was quaint & beautiful. Two little boys played with a golden retriever in front of a pond with some white ducks.

We headed in, where we were not treated very kindly by the college kid manning the bar. The large older woman in a stained shirt with gaping armholes that revealed her green lace bra was even less pleasant (perhaps they smelled the American on us?). That soured things, but only a little! Our surroundings were so pleasant that not much could dampen our moods.

Quaintastic.

We sipped four varieties of wine, then 7. bought one (plus one) bottle(s) of the best one, a red of some kind. We also picked up a truffle goat cheese & a container of olive tapenade. I was dying to try the blackberry port, but they only sample four wines a day. Didn’t want to shell out for a wine I hadn’t tasted! There was no love lost as we said our goodbyes to the proprietors.

Soon this shirt will be irreparably stained by blackberries

I will 8. mail the label from one of the bottles to Allyson later this week.

As you can see, I also 9. posted two pictures of our surroundings.

I picked some blackberries while TD took the car around. They were PERFECT.

I'd post a picture of me picking, but it isn't pretty.

Then we wheeled back towards the ferry. We had enough time to stop in town for a loaf of bread & a couple local figs. Then we 10. caught the 3:55 ferry by the skin of our teeth. & enjoyed a much shorter ride home, eating some bread with tapenade & discussing Satanist weddings, among other things.

Once home, we 11. took Bella for a nice long walk. It’s true, she was sad about being cooped up in the cabin all day (she loves Galiano above all else), but I think we made it up to her. She was treated to woods, rocks, & the ocean. & she also enjoyed licking some raw egg off the rocks.

[In the bar, I've tried over ten times to upload the final two photos, but it's simply not working! Island wireless is unreliable, what can I say? You'll miss a scenic shot of a man in a blue sweatshirt & a big black dog leaning together on a rock as they look out onto the ocean's horizon as well as a shot of aforementioned dog running toward you down a wooded cliffside path with a large tree on the right jutting over the ocean.]

It feels nice to be done by 8:00! We’re about to head out to dinner & internet now. I’m looking forward to a pleasant meal, liberally spiced with hostile glances from the island hippies who look at me tapping away on my MacBook with distinct distaste wherever I go [edit: it's all happening, man]. Do they know, I wonder, that it’s all in the name of ART?

TD is getting sick, unfortunately & of course, so I’m not sure if we’ll do anything tooooo fun. But if we do, I’ll be sure to 12. tell Allyson about it.

Tomorrow, after accomplishing my Day 3 directives, we will head back to Vancouver so TD can convalesce in a more civilized environment. The Chancellor, too, will be very happy to see us. He has probably been sharpening his claws on the antique furniture to punish us for being gone. Still, we (TD, Allyson, Bella & I) have had a wonderful vacation so far.

Also, I’ve found the keys! They were under a telephone.

Comments : 16 Comments »
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Week 7, Day 7

26 08 2009

Wow! Final day of being lived by Fernando, guys. I got everything accomplished, much as I always do, though I have yet to have read, have dinner, write for an hour, & go for a final walk. I won’t bore you with the details as I’m on an island in the middle of nowhere with a half hour of wireless access in a restaurant about to close! So I’ll stick to the most interesting things. Today oatmeal just doesn’t make the cut.

BRUSH HARDER!

TD woke early & took the dog for a walk. Came back & brushed her as I ate my oatmeal. She’s going through her late summer shed. Plenty of fun, I assure you. Then watched Viridiana — at first thought I hated it (it’s not exactly a morning movie. Is ANY movie? Why, Fernando, did you have me watch all these movies in the morning?), but then I realized it wasn’t the movie, just the main actress. I actually liked the movie very much.

Then I did the most interesting project-related thing of the day: I ate 6 slices of bacon as a low-carb snack.

We went for a walk. On assignment, of course. I wrote, in a public place, the word “HI” with my finger on TD’s back. Check, check, check, I lose track of my own gold stars over time, people.

Then ate some lunch (seared tuna appetizer & a glass of pinot blanc for me; tomato soup, bread, & beer for my carb-loving gentleman caller).

We headed to the car rental place, which was ludicrously expensive, I won’t budget it in. It will come out of my own pocket. I mean my pocket & the project’s pockets are one. But I’m hoping some kind donor will bail me out if I fall too hard towards the end of the year.

Can I keep you?

Our car was parked in spot 13. Uh oh!

Then we got some supplies & raced to catch the ferry.

Made it! Made it straight to lane 13.

Farewell happy fields

After a very enjoyable twilight ferry ride, passed this restaurant. Open! They are open late tonight, for some reason.

But closing as we speak! Run over to the weekly schedule, I’m about to put up our very own ashroyer’s! She’s living vicariously though me starting tomorrow. Her bio & video will be up tomorrow, when I’m not working with such a tight external deadline!

Sleep well all. Or good morning.

Comments : 10 Comments »
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Week 7, Day 5

25 08 2009

My mood has gotten progressively fouler as this week has gone on. Glad I had two days off this week! I’ve been wondering what’s wrong with me. But finally—an explanation: Jess is working on a documentary about the Atkins Diet—according to her research, a very bad mood is a well-documented side effect of a low-carb diet. This is corroborated by anecdotal evidence from my peers. I’d be relieved to hear this, if I was capable of feeling any relief! But I do feel a vindicated sense of bitterness, which is a close low-carb substitute. Also, this weekend my evil mood prompted the first poem I’ve written since January. So there’s a silver lining to every etc.

After six hours of sleep (& a very curious nightmare, more on this later) I stayed in bed sulking for 1. Two more. Dragged my heels around the house (as Bella & Chance napped in the sunshine).

We're much cuter in person

Then, shortly after noon, I proceeded to the bank, where I drafted some money to my US account so I could sort out my credit card woes & pay my Idaho speeding ticket. If my check doesn’t arrive by Wednesday, my driver’s license will be suspended! (I, of course, only got this information after 6:00 on Friday). The man beside me asked for $100 in fives & $100 dollars in quarters, while the teller spent most of his time looking down my shirt.

Too cold (L), Too hot (R)

Home again, home again. I discovered I have now mastered the exciting art of cooking oatmeal. I didn’t realize I was doing it wrong before. But the trick is in the stirring. I felt like Goldilocks. I also felt like I was married to Fernando. This project is a lot like being married, if you think about it, but to 52 people consecutively.

I 2. Added blueberries towards the end then 3. Sweetened with honey. Added a lump of butter for good measure. This was the first time my oatmeal managed to approximate goodness. I 4. Put on Cría Cuervos (my mother purchased it & three other required DVDs for me this weekend, much to my vindicatedsenseofbitterness) & savored my only carbohydrates of the day.

The movie was ok. It’s a seventies Spanish film with an unhappy, recently orphaned 8-year-old girl as its protagonist. It’s one of those movies that makes a big point about the innocence & happiness of childhood being a myth. There’s not a lot of conversation and it’s all uncomfortably intimate but slightly unreal—not surreal, despite the frequent appearance of the ghosts of her parents. Whenever there is dialogue, it’s generally people being nasty to/not understanding each other. Lots of long shots of children’s blank faces. Lots of political points using the family as an allegory. So forth. It’s the sort of movie that’s successful in the sense that it seems to accomplish absolutely everything it set out to do—& nothing more. So for me, it fell flat.

Once the movie was over, I 5. Read the informational booklet that came with the DVD. It was exactly like the movie. It told me a lot of things that I had deduced for myself, including some interesting facts that I didn’t know. But it didn’t teach me anything. There’s information & then there’s knowledge. Knowledge is a harder gift to give, a little more nebulous. This movie had an (telling) artful touch but not a (teaching) magic one. Does that make sense? The film’s worth watching but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. Except perhaps to someone with related academic interest in the film’s central themes.

Then I got up for my 9. Walk. To the post office. I was supposed to 10. Write (just letting in happen) in a public space. I’m very creative. I wrote my address & the address of the Idaho court. Then I 11. Posted what I just wrote. HA! I also wrote a text message or two.

Stopped to pick up a lunch of grilled chicken breast & hot sauce. Blah.

Unjust, not right

12. Ate it. Took my time. Enjoyed it as much as possible.

Then I 13. Read a poem by Octavio Paz & headed back to bed for a long while.

My friend, Jess (P) arrived at my house around 8:00. She’s in town & she’s staying with me tonight. We went out for 14. Dinner & a glass of 15. Wine. Jess (E) & her sister joined us. I had carpaccio, but forgot to take a picture until it was mostly devoured. Jess (P) got the bread that came with it. Sadly.

Unsightly scraps of raw beef = (recently) living proof

After that, we all went for a long 15. Walk with Bella by the sea wall. It’s a nice time of year. The weather’s very back-to-school. I took Bella off leash for a while & she ran around in the ocean. Then we returned here & I 16. Am writing for an hour, while Jess (P) reads Eat, Pray, Love (much to her own chagrin) in the living room, eating the delicious blueberries I’m not allowed.

I still have fifteen more minutes of writing, so I’m going to tell you my dream. Altered dreams are, by the way, an interesting side effect of this project. I dream every night, for example, that each of you post several detailed comments (inevitably, very interesting ones) on the blog. & often my puppetmasters appear in my dreams. During Ptolemy’s week, we had all sorts of adventures every night. Sometimes, I dream that I’ve received a schedule that makes all sorts of interesting demands. I’m always a little disappointed by reality when I wake.

Last night, I dreamed I was on a boat tour in a jungle with an anonymous female friend & her family. So far, it was a good dream. Though everyone mocked me because I didn’t know how to “telescope shadows” with a camera. “Why does everyone always make fun of me?” I complained, burying my head in my lifejacket. My companions laughed.

When I arrived home to my apartment, I sat down to write. Then I realized that the feeble mutant creature (looking something like a child, something like an old man, & something like ET if each of those things were pale & blue-tinged, two feet tall, shaped out of putty, with a tiny head & very long arms) which would sometimes cause mischief around my apartment, was back, fiddling with the electrical sockets. I was very angry. I had locked him out previously. “No!” I said, & he ignored me, fixedly yanking my computer cord out of the wall until it finally broke. I grabbed him by his arm, probably a little harder than I needed to, & began to drag him to the door. He resisted me, but he was feeble as always. Though his arm was curiously stretching in my grip.

As I dragged him through my apartment, I noticed that the edges of doors & windows, cupboards, etc. were gnawed, bent & a little bloody. He had somehow snuck in through all these tiny spaces, very deliberately. I didn’t know he was this smart. When we got to the door he suddenly became much stronger. His arm started coiling tightly around my wrist with a firm, snake-like pressure. He looked up into my face with his black eyes & I realized he was actually very smart—or perhaps not smart, but possessing a predatory, shark-like intelligence— & very dangerous. I shoved him out the door & locked it.

He turned into a slug & started creeping through above one of the hinges. I locked him out several times & he managed to get in every time, shifting into increasingly sinister, vague shapes. I realized, with horror, there was no getting rid of him. He began to grow & grow.

I then realized that he was the external physical embodiment of my own malevolence. Malevolence is a strange sort of word to choose, & it sounds perhaps inaccurate, but I didn’t choose this word– in my dream it was, very precisely, malevolence. Anyway, I’d believed I was a wholly good person, free of evil etc. & I was! In my dream, at least. But by eliminating this evil from my own self I had not eliminated it entirely, but displaced it—I had unconsciously created this creature, much worse than ordinary human evil as it was wholly autonomous & quite out of my control. So my horror was now tinged with a very unheimlich sense of recognition. If this creature were not destroyed, it would rapidly gain strength & destroy the entire world.

I knew the only way to destroy this creature was for someone to eat him. “Should I eat him?” my anonymous friend asked. No. She couldn’t. If anyone but me ate him, he would continue to grow & destroy her & everyone else. I guessed that I had to do it.

I squeezed him into a ball & felt, with horror, that while he had previously been boneless there were now sharp, calcified pieces of something inside him. I grimly broke him into two pieces. I needed some bread to swallow him, as I wouldn’t be able to chew with these pieces inside him.

I rolled him into two pieces of bread as my friend watched me anxiously. I ate him.

“What does he taste like?” she asked.

“What do you think?” I said. “A tooth, & a shard of bone.”

Upon which I woke up, quite unsettled.

Now all I have left to do is 17. Go to bed at 2:20am & 18. Stay in bed for 8 hours. I also 19. Can’t use electronic devices after 1:20.

A few nights ago I tried so hard to stay up until after two that I woke up at 4:00am on the floor of my closet. I don’t know if that counts as a failure or not. But I must have been awfully tired if I decided to “rest my eyes” there for a moment.

Also, I’ve been sleepwalking again. & I’ve hid my keys so well that no one will ever find them. Fortunately, my mom had a spare.

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Categories : Uncategorized

Week 6, Day 6

18 08 2009

The end is near.

This was Day 6 in a wheelchair. Of course, I also had other things to accomplish.

Today seemed as if it would be quite taxing, but in fact it was one of the better days I’ve had so far! Funny how it always seems to work out like that.

First I 1. got up & showered. I’m getting used to showering in a wheelchair. So at this point, it was fairly routine. Fifteen relaxing minutes in above the tub.

Then, around one-ish, Olivia arrived & we 2. Took Bella for a walk. This is the first time this week I took the dog myself! Bella was pretty good. I kept running over her toes & at one point she was attacked by two off-leash toy poodles. The owner shouted, from a safe distance, “If she bites it will teach them a lesson!” Certainly, if the intended lesson was death. But Bella seemed to understand I didn’t have the strength to wrangle her & stood very still as the poodles jumped all over her, biting & yipping. Lucky for them. She’s not always so tolerant.

After this, Olivia & I 3. Headed to the Vancouver Art Gallery.

Speaking of chairs,

I didn’t feel like going to the museum on a nice sunny day, but actually it was very pleasant & relaxing. It took us an hour to get through the exhibitions. I was expecting that it would all be Canadian artists, but, thank God, it wasn’t! It was a show of 16th & 17th century Dutch realist painters.

There was also, for some reason, a reconstruction of a 1950s household. I felt very happy rolling about in it. As if I were in Mad Men! But with none of the disappointing Season Threeness.

We would have got better pictures, but we had to be very sneaky. Photos, after all, are verboten in art galleries. I got Olivia to pretend she was texting on my phone & finally we got one.

By the way, I look kind of fat in the picture to the right. I’d like to tell you all that that is the material of my skirt & shirt! Not, in fact, my stomach. If you remember the spandex photos, I am blessed with an essentially flat stomach. Vanity! will be the death of me.

I was supposed to 4. Spend two hours in the exhibitions, but there wasn’t exactly two hours of looking to be done.

Nor was there time to look & eat (part of 5) before everything closed down. So I may or may not have accomplished that particular directive. I certainly have spent beyond two hours in the exhibition in my heart. It’s stuck with me all day, in fact. Also, I’ve never been to the VAG (of all acronyms, Vancouver, really?) — never WOULD have gone, & now fully intend to return. So perhaps I’m on a payment plan? This doesn’t feel like a failure, but it possibly is. I’ll leave it to you to decide. Please note, too, that I was on the property of the VAG for at least 3.5 hours.

My "pity me" expression could use some work.

After wandering through the exhibit, we 5. went to the Gallery Café for lunch- it was certainly difficult & interesting to 6. find the alternative entrance! It involved all sorts of tricks. Intercoms, elevators, secret passwords– but eventually we made it.

Also, I was mistaken for Kyla for the first time this week! I knew it was bound to happen & am somewhat surprised it hasn’t happened sooner! When we were younger (19-ish), we were often mistaken for identical twins. As life has taken its terrible toll on our faces, we no longer get that much. But evidentally one woman at the museum still sees the resemblance. I’m flattered!

I’ve wanted a nose job FOREVER & I always tell Kyla that if I ever scrape the money together I’m going to ask for her nose.

The food was mediocre but the company was very good. Olivia & I don’t know each other that well (she’s one of my friend’s younger sisters) but we bonded over all sorts of topics. & now we are actual friends!

Also, we managed to get a bucket of beer for happy hour price, though it was not yet happy hour, because I was in a wheelchair. So that lubricated things a little.

My only sunshine

Olivia doesn’t like this picture of her but I felt I had to put it up. She’s too adorable! If she asks me, I’ll take it down.

After lunch, we hung out & chatted by the fountain. Kyla called me earlier today &, unprompted, cancelled one of her previous directives. I was supposed to 7. Sit outside on a busy street and hand out Emily, Lived By: postcards & get a friend to do the same on a street nearby, noting the difference in attitudes between my experience & that of my friend’s.

Well, I ALWAYS accept cancellations (though not last minute additions to schedule). Olivia & I were both pleased that we didn’t have to humiliate ourselves in this manner. You can imagine what it would have been like– it’s the idea of doing this that’s most important, really. Me enacting it for you all would not have made much of a difference. I commend Kyla for (with, I promise, no pressure on my part!) recognizing this.

Olivia & I delighted in the unexpected free time. Sat by the fountains & pondered life. So forth.

Olivia & her sisters are also on board to do a collaborative week. So we discussed that a little. Very excited to learn that their week (though I don’t know the details!) will be a real departure from many of the somewhat mundane self-improvement schedules I’ve encountered so far. Lately, my schedules, though very improving, have been a little dull– or at least, psychologically unchallenging– for me. So it’s nice to know the tides will shift soon. Perhaps this shifting will provide a good example for future participants!

Look at Olivia. What a saint. She practically glows!

Fortified by our new freedom, etc. we headed to a bar. Where we drank two pitchers of beer– goodness! Can you believe I’m writing this so coherently?

Olivia will also accompany on my directives tomorrow. We’ve plotted up a way to make them more interesting.

She helped me wheel home & before she left I gave her my copy of Suze Orman’s Young, Broke & Fabulous, as I think it might help her sort out her credit card troubles. Thanks, Mom, for Week 1!

Now I have only a few things left to do. I’ve 8. Relaxed & also 9. Spent time writing my blog.

I just have to 10. Make dinner & eat (I’m thinking some cheese puffs?) & finally 11. Lie in bed & contract my muscles from head to toe, working down my body including face, fingers and toes. Contract each muscle for 30 seconds, release, then go to sleep.

It will be done AND done.

Regarding the coming week: I received my schedule two days late & overwhelming majority of commenters proposed that I take two days off but blog about both of them. Looking at the schedule, I see that it’s not too taxing. It’s kind of weird to blog about my days off & I really hate the idea of not doing this project for three whole days in a row.

SO. I’ve decided to compromise: I will take one day off. I will blog (& project) for five days of the week, but have a rare two day weekend. In the future, as Ben Tilly has suggested (uncannily in line with my thoughts), I will have understudies ready to step in & late schedules will no longer be a problem.

Hi up there!

If any of you have complaints, you can address them to the Chancellor.

I’ve also come up with an amazing plan for my final week. You’ll just have to wait till then to see what it is.

See you tomorrow!

Comments : 24 Comments »
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Categories : Uncategorized

Week 6, Day 2

15 08 2009

So I’ve been in a wheelchair for well over 24 hours now. It has been stranger than I expected, but for different reasons.

Physically, it’s been much easier than I anticipated. There are, of course, little inconveniences; say, it takes up to a minute of wrangling to open a door. I discover my soap & moisturizer are out of reach. It’s cold to take a shower seated upright above a bathtub. But I’ve always been at home with physical discomfort, in fact, I kind of enjoy it.

Lucky me, because I’m getting sick. It feels like my lungs are full of honeycomb & wool (the itchy kind). Do you think it’s because of all the germs I get on my hands from wheeling? It is, of course, inevitable that this project will take a physical as well as a psychological toll on me. Eg., a few weeks ago I got lemon juice in my eye & experienced absolutely no sensation.

Anyway, I also thought it would be nearly impossible to navigate the day’s tasks… & it would have been, alone, on the first full day in a chair. But I wasn’t alone for most of it.

After waking up, I transferred out of bed & then, eventually into the tub where I took my 1. shower. It wasn’t the indulgent affair it usually is for me (I’m world-renowned for ridiculously long showers) but it did the trick. Getting dressed in a wheelchair is certainly difficult. But I’m very glad I store all my clean clothing in a heap on the floor. Bella’s estranged father happens to live in Vancouver & he came by with his girlfriend (my friend Shannon) to 2. take the dog for a walk. Bella hasn’t seen him in around three years so it was a little much for her to take in.

I 3. sprayed on some of Shannon’s perfume. I like the smell, but it was supremely uncomfortable. Obviously. I mean, it was just how you would expect wearing someone else’s perfume to feel.

Round & round, all through the town

After the man headed off to the library Shannon & I checked the bus routes. We wheeled over & waited.

You all want to know about people’s reactions. Well, I can tell you: they’re different. They’re different in the way you’d expect them to be different. I presume that what you mean when you want to hear about people’s reactions is that you want to hear about the emotional reaction I have to these different reactions. Honestly, it doesn’t particularly bother or surprise me (though I’m sure it would be different if this was my permanent condition), so I’m less inclined to write about the predictable awkwardness of strangers.

Still, ok: there’s the expected range of reactions. A lot of pitying looks, a conspicuous absence of male interest, a lot of social discomfort (where should I stand? Should I offer to help? Don’t stare!) etc. I kind of enjoy it, at present. I always feel exposed in public, &, perhaps oddly, I like the feeling of invisibility disability gives me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t advocate this kind of lack of awareness on your parts. Generally, I think everyone should be treated as human. However, I feel like an odd & in some ways inhuman person, & I guess at the moment it’s a relief to have a visible marker of it.

Look carefully at that finger on the right. This is the most you'll see of Shannon all year.

Perhaps it’s because for the past several weeks I’ve had to be so extroverted in a way that doesn’t come naturally to me. Now people look at me & don’t see me or don’t want to– good! I don’t want them to either. I was a little giddy with the knowledge that I could behave however I wanted & get away with it. Once on the bus, I kept thinking I could scream “WHY, WHY, WHY!” the whole ride to Granville Island & no one would put me off. I would just get sympathetic, uncomfortable gazes. In my normal life, I experience a lot of reactions from strangers, but sympathy almost never. Only when I fall down the stairs or in the street, which is often. Clumsy!

By the way, if you hadn’t already gathered this, I 4. Took the bus.

I also like how people now treat me as if I’m some sort of gentle saint. I mean, really, I eat it up!!

A man with no teeth came & stared at me & then asked “What happened to you?”

“It’s a long story,” I told him. “A very long story!”

Then we kept wheeling along.

It’s funny to need people. It’s funny to need them so badly that you have to pay them to accompany you! I’ll be doing a lot of that this week. It’s funny to feel like it’s only right to pay someone for spending time with you.

Spent some time under a bridge with crow.

Shannon & I wheeled around Granville Island & through the market, to see what it was like.

Actually, I found it not much different from navigating those crowded passages in an able body. Except, of course, you’re much shorter, slower & everyone stares.

Check out my wheels

We were supposed to 5. Eat lunch at the Indian stall. Neither of us felt like Indian, but it wasn’t my choice to make. I hung around, as several people skipped past me in line, & attempted to see into the display case. I wasn’t quite the right height. Eventually, we managed to order. We got four chicken samosas.

Mr. Cellophane should have been my name

They were adequate. We ate them outside, where Shannon refused to let me take her picture. “Just the back of your head!” I said. But apparently she hates the back of her head.

We went for a second lunch of steak & a bottle of wine. The food was mediocre, the conversation certifiably excellent. The waitresses were, of course, concerned & solicitous. So I felt more comfortable than usual sending back my steak. It was cooked medium & I wanted (…needed!) rare. I’ve always had an uncommon bloodlust. I’d eat all meat raw if I could.

I considered my packaged leftovers my 6. Groceries for dinner. I ate them for dinner, after all. My goodness gracious. I can’t believe I’ve eaten two baked potatoes today. How things change.

Then I picked up 7. Groceries for the week.

Four fine balls of mozzarella.

Missions accomplished, we 8. Took the aquabus home.

What lies beneath?

Do you see the little kid staring? Totally normal. I found I liked being at eye level with children. What I didn’t like, however, was that as children would stare at me with absolutely natural curiosity, their parents would nervously redirect them in such a way that they would realize (often, likely, for the first time) that there was supposed to be something shameful, pitiable, & taboo about physical infirmity.

Upon arriving home, I took a long nap.

Then I headed out to 9. Meet friends at a bar of my choice. I met Krissy & Ray at the bar where I swing-danced with Simon on Wednesday. I thought there would be a nice parallelism in this. But it was too noisy for them, & there was a $12 cover (the bouncer pityingly waived it for me) so we went out to walk the streets. Eventually we ended up elsewhere.

We had 10. a few drinks & talked on a few topics (generally depressing: eg., forced marriage & rape of female virgins before execution in Iran). Then I10. danced in my wheelchair outside the bathroom. Very briefly.

Staying "alive."

Fortunately, the bathrooms were also accessible.

The caption of the year

Now I’m home. Soon to bed. & another long day in the office tomorrow.

All night last night I dreamed normal dreams. But whenever I walked in my dreams, I would remember that I was supposed to be in a wheelchair. Then I would feel a horrible sense of guilt at having failed to follow my orders. Then I would forget again & keep walking. All through the night. Was very relieved in the morning to discover this wasn’t the case.

I’ve realized, over the course of the past few days, that there’s really no way to accurately simulate the experience of a paraplegic. I can feel the muscles in my legs working involuntarily all the time… helping brace me, keep my balance, etc. I have managed not to flinch from cold water or unpleasant sensations, but I know that this is absolutely not the same. Living like this, I can feel how strong my body really is, instead of the reverse. So I am having two parallel experiences, really: I’m at once able-bodied & disabled. There’s this mischievous feeling in my legs, which keep telling me walk! They do play along for the time being. But I know that they’re there if I need them.

It’s only now that I begin to glimpse what it would really be like if they weren’t!

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Categories : Uncategorized

Week 6, Day 1

13 08 2009

Today was my first day in a wheelchair! I’m currently on hour four.

I took a long time accomplishing the day’s directives. Knowing I had a lot to do, I stayed in bed for a long time, almost till noon. I felt I needed to conserve as much energy as possible.

I did my directives out of order. But that’s just how I roll.

When I eventually got up, I 1. Wandered around making sure things were at a reachable height & made my home more accessible (took my plates out of the cupboards, removed a shelf from my fridge, cleared space in my closet, etc.) ran some errands (bought household staples: dog food & whiskey), then went out in the rain to 2. Get a chair to use in my shower for the week. I don’t have use of my car, so there was only one store option. Thankfully, though I did not find a chair under $100 (?!) they did have a little vanity stool. I have full use of my upper body so I figured that would do.

Then I 3. Took Bella for a half hour walk. Ten minutes of that was her standing resolutely on a patch of sidewalk staring into traffic. Neither of us were really feeling it.

I'm not a trained monkey.

With the “walk” done, I headed to Kyla’s, full of nervous anticipation.

After chatting a bit about the project, gossiping about the commenters, & handing over the week’s texts (Kyla is, by the way, a model participant. Not only has she provided a wheelchair for my use, she has thoughtfully procured the week’s required books, & will provide stickers & postcards for assignments later in the week. Take a page from her book, slackers!)

We also tried– & failed– to upload her video to YouTube. For some reason the file is enormous & we can’t figure out how to compress it. Maybe she’ll make videos on my trusty little MacBook later this week. At present, you’ll have to do with a video from me. Keep reading. It’s a little further down.

From then on it was all business. 4. I got into the wheelchair I will be in until Sunday morning. She showed me how to transfer myself onto a sofa without using my legs. We didn’t know how I’d get into my bed… it’s almost chest height when I’m standing up. Eventually we decided that I would just use my legs as little as possible when climbing into it. But that didn’t seem right!

There was also the problem of the shower. I soon realized, once I experienced the exertion of getting onto a sofa, that there was no way I could navigate over a five inch ledge from a wheelchair onto a rickety little stool without cracking my head into pieces. It took some brainstorming, but we’ve got it!

I have a bathtub with a flat square edge & a detachable shower nozzle. I could put the stool in the bathtub. Then, when I needed to shower, I could transfer from the wheelchair to the tub’s edge & then to the stool. I was happy! It feels good to figure things out.

That’s one of the things I’ve been thinking today– a lot of people are talking about how difficult this week is (like they talk about how difficult every other week is), but what they don’t seem to realize is that with the completion of every task comes an extraordinary sense of accomplishment. Many people spend their lives trying to avoid challenges, when, in fact, facing challenges is one of the most rewarding parts of life. It’s a cliche, but a cliche to live by.

It may be difficult to live one’s life for a year according to arbitrary directives, & it is certainly much more difficult to live with a permanent spinal cord injury, but there is a real pleasure in having problems– the pleasure of figuring them out. I discussed this with Kyla & she concurs. I believe the Mormons, scientologists, athletes, & other exceptional individuals I’ve encountered in the past month & a half would all agree.

Honestly, & perhaps this is premature as I’m only beginning Week 6, I feel that my mood is best during the hardest weeks.

As a sidenote, I’ve noticed the following general pattern in my temperament:

THURSDAY: methodical, meditative
FRIDAY: manic, delirious
SATURDAY: essentially normal
SUNDAY: total hibernation
MONDAY: happy, at home in schedule
TUESDAY: irritable– very
WEDNESDAY: bored & lazy

Weird, right?

Facing things

I still had to 5. go grocery shopping (without leaving the chair, obviously).

I headed to the store, accompanied very generously by Kyla’s caregiver, Petra (pictured beside me).

Wow. Rolling up even a slight incline is extremely difficult. I made it myself most of the way but occasionally Petra had to step in.

Buying food wasn’t the hassle I thought it’d be. I’ve always been an impulse shopper & I just grab whatever’s at eye level. So this works just fine for me so far.

Petra helped carry the basket & groceries up to my apartment. I wouldn’t have been able to do it myself, I realize.

Once in my apartment, we reached another ingenious solution to the bed problem– we took out the boxspring! Or, more accurately, Petra took it out for me. Now, using the transfer technique Kyla taught me, I should be able to transfer myself into bed. Then she helped me move the stool (& my shower products– couldn’t reach those from wheelchair!) to the bathtub. It’s hard not to feel guilty for accepting this help, despite knowing that I can’t really do anything to help myself.

Then Petra left. & I put away the groceries. How did it go, me in a wheelchair & all? Check out the video.

Then I 6. made dinner. Kept things simple with a tuna melt. Good call on my part, though the sandwich was fairly disgusting. Doing things in a wheelchair really does take a lot longer. Especially with a dog underfoot. Very grateful this apartment is so accessible though.

I still have to 7. read excerpts from a book on disability (Eli Clare’s book was out so Kyla provided me with a few alternatives) & 8. Write a 500 word essay for Kyla.

Oh, I’ve also got to 9. Go to sleep & have good dreams. Well, as a child I was a lucid dreamer & I’ve always considered sleep one of my favorite hobbies (until this year, apparently) — but anyway, I’ve lost the knack for stuff like that & can’t guarantee what my dreams will be like tonight.

I am very, very, very, very, very tired. & tomorrow will be a very long day. I’m not sure what the blog will look like this week, but I feel I should remind you (as I often remind myself) that this blog is NOT the project. My life is the project. The blog is merely a medium by which I inform you of how the project is going.

I do love the comments though. It’s nice to know I’m not shovelling everything into a void! It would feel much lonelier, I think, & more meaningless without the eyes of hundreds of strangers on me.

I’m very excited for this week. But Bella is worried. I knew she knew the sound of my footsteps by heart, by the way. But I did not know that she didn’t know my voice! When I wheeled up to the door she started barking, & didn’t stop even when I reassured her. Then she ignored me when I came in, excitedly greeting Petra. When she realized it was me in the chair, she was very embarrassed, leapt into my lap, & started licking my face.

She’s not normally that demonstrative. & now she is sticking much closer to me than usual.

Comments : 24 Comments »
Tags: video, sleep, time, dog walks, whiskey, reading, blogging, laziness, groceries, comments, failure, dreams, shopping, food, licking, Bella, feelings, essays, goodness, sandwiches, dogs, books, thinking, boredom, directives, bed, schedules, arbitrariness, difficulty, moods, assignments, help, rewards, accomplishment, nerves, happiness, chatting, loneliness, worry, ingenuity, life, rain, YouTube, normality, postcards, meaning, knowledge, childhood, dog food, solutions, showers, stores, weirdness, navigation, sidenotes, meditation, challenges, energy, cliche, Sundays, closeness, traffic, technique, legs, gossip, commenters, Mormons, athletes, cooking, wheelchairs, disability, hours, noon, conservation, order, rolling, how I roll, late rising, accessibility, height, plates, cupboards, shelves, refrigerators, closets, errands, staples, chair, vanity stools, upper body, sidewalks, feeling it, anticipation, the project, text(s), stickers, slackers, MacBook, problems, exertion, sofas, ledges, my head, brainstorming, bathtubs, need, avoidance, spinal cord injuries, figuring out, scientologists, exceptionality, prematurity, temperament, patterns, methodical, mania, delirium, hibernation, irritability, caregivers, inclines, stepping in, baskets, apartments, boxsprings, transfers, bathing, tuna melts, lucid dreaming, hobbies, losing the knack, tiredness, shoveling, the void, sounds, footsteps, knowing by heart, voices, wheeling, reassurance, greeting, embarrassment, leaping, demonstrativeness
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Week 4, Day 1

31 07 2009

This will be a difficult week. I’m still having trouble wrapping my head around it. The past few weeks have required me to exercise (increasingly extreme) control of mind over body. I’ve become accomplished at that. This week, however, reverses things: my body will have to take control of my mind. (Faith, I think, is located in the body? Still formulating thoughts on this.)

Directives are few & my schedule is fluid, but I must work with three separate– externally imposed, complicated, rigid, & (to me!) highly counter-intuitive– belief systems. Worst of all, this is happening over Pride Weekend! I’ll have to be a Mormon on the day of the Pride Parade.

Well, the first thing I did was take my dog for a walk.

Whenever she sees a bird I tell her "We can kill it tomorrow."

It was a hot, sunny day. Too hot for thinking. & nobody else was out– because of the heat, probably. So I let Bella off leash for the first time since I’ve been in Vancouver. She was very good.

Upon arriving home I lazed around. Then went shopping. I was hoping to find some modest clothes, as some of my days will call for modest dress… but no luck. No luck finding anything modest, that is. I mailed some of the postcards I made during Week 3 (it now seems so distant!) & had a lunch of sushi. I’ve lost my appetite since this project began. It’s the most I can do to choke down a full order of sashimi.

I find people respond to me differently as the project goes on. In one of the stores I visited, the salesgirl began following me around solicitously. I’ve been there before & she never paid me any notice. Today was different. She came up to me with a Tupperware container. “Take some grapes!” she implored. I ate them. “Take more!” She poured a whole pile into my hands.

When I tried on a dress she told me to take my hair down. She took it down for me & smelled it (?!) “Smells good!” she said. I was obviously weirded out, if flattered.

I found the most amazing (if immodest) dress & bought it. I won’t budget that in, it’s my own foolishness. As I paid she asked me how old I was (“Twenty-five? You look nineteen!” — yeah right) then implored me to come back to the store anytime. “You don’t have to buy anything. We can just talk.”

After all the research I’ve been doing on modern religions, I’ve begun to think about starting my own. I’m sure I could get at least five followers, her among them of course.

Returning home, I began my research in earnest. The Scientology website is very difficult to navigate. The most peculiar thing, to me, is that the primary tenants of their faith seem very carefully concealed. I searched & searched, but couldn’t find an awful lot of specific information. I avoided Wikipedia & expose-style articles as these are denounced by the church for inaccuracy– I want to stick as closely as I can to their own representation of themselves. After several hours of browsing, this is what I emerged with:

Scientology coincided with the development of the atom bomb. It appeared as a natural response to the dangerous prioritzing of science over faith & knowledge.
Scientologists hold that man is more than a material object. Man is good by nature & capable of spiritual betterment, but suffers from diminished awareness of himself & his environment. (Scientology prefers, apparently, to use the male pronoun exclusively. I shall do the same.) Man is more than a mind & body– there is a pre-existing essence to man referred to as the “thetan”– similar to the concept of “soul” in other religions. Accomplished Scientologists can “exteriorize,” or separate the “thetan” from the body/mind.
One can be simultaneously Scientologist & affiliated with other religions.
The church opposes psychology & psychiatry for discouraging the concept of the soul. They denounce psychiatric treatments as “barbaric.”

I’ve also learned about “mental image pictures” & the “analytic” & “reactive” minds, “engrams,” “Clears,” “auditing,” “dynamics” & the “Tone Scale.” There’s a lot of information & I can’t figure out a comprehensive way to boil it down for you. But check out the website yourself, if you’re so inclined.

Somebody at the church might want to look into making the website a little more PC. In addition to the exclusively male pronouns, there are a lot of references to mystical Native American shaman blood brothers, “primitive tribes,” & the “Orient.” There was also a poignant typo about “children who were less than rags.”

Also, L. Ron Hubbard (apparently a friend of Ptolemy’s dad!) learned to ride horses at 3 1/2 & he was the youngest Eagle Scout ever at 13.

Anyway, I set up my appointment for Monday today & the people on the phone were very sweet.

I also researched Mormonism. The Scientology people might want to take a page from the Mormon web design book. The Mormon website was soothingly simple, easy to navigate, & full of direct answers to basic questions.

Mormonism seems like any other basic Christian off-shoot, with a few exceptions:

Mormons hold that Joseph Smith was a prophet who came to restore God’s truth to the Church in (& I must fact-check this?) 1880. The Christian church fell away from Christ as years went on & Smith restored it to its rightful structure (with a prophet & 12 apostles, etc.) after a vision of God & Jesus. Mormonism is believed to renew Christianity to its original form.
The church has a unique structure, with its most unusual feature being a succession of God-appointed prophets, beginning with Joseph Smith & ending with Thomas S. Monson who is the current prophet.

I’ve also learned about the term apostasy, which I like a lot. I think being Mormon might be easier than being Scientologist. I wish I’d been to the temple in Salt Lake City! (or… is that where it is?) I’ve heard a lot about it from friends.

Contemplating God in new immodest dress

All I have left to do is research the particular evangelical church I’ll be attending. I think that will be the easiest. Traditional Christianity is the least foreign to me: the Bible is one of my favorite books, I was baptised Catholic, & I attended a Catholic school for years.

I should let you know, before this adventure begins, that I am an atheist. But I also generally abhor the company of atheists– at least those who talk about it.

This may change as the journey continues.

Those of you out there who are questioning your faith, I would like to remind you: if an atheist can will herself to believe in Mormonism for a day, you’re probably just being self indulgent. Letting God into your heart is easy. That’s what this project is really all about.

Sidenote: Friends have already started to worry about me. I don’t think any of us realized how extreme this project would be when I began to undertake it. I’m soldiering relentlessly onward, despite public outcry. So I will certainly appreciate your continued support.

Tomorrow, if my memory serves me correctly, I will wake up a Christian [edit: not true. Only more research]. I’m looking forward to it [I'm still looking forward to it].

Comments : 17 Comments »
Tags: sushi, dog walks, pictures, company, laziness, shopping, Vancouver, God, conversation, correspondence, Bella, friends, goodness, telephone, response, directives, schedules, difficulty, Ptolemy, easiness, prophecy, spirituality, accomplishment, crafts, luck, psychology, body, mind, adventures, thoughts, amazement, memory, foolishness, pride, followers, children, minds, postcards, journeys, knowledge, schooling, questions, budget, sun, Mondays, heat, Mormonism, Scientology, Christianity, challenge, mental control, control, weeks, reversal, bodies, faith, formulation, complication, rigidity, counter-intuitive, gay pride, parades, thought, birds, modesty, clothing, lunch, appetite, choking, stores, salesgirls, difference, Tupperware, grapes, dresses, hair, smells, flattery, weirdness, immodesty, age, conversion, modern religion, research, websites, navigation, tenants of faith, searching, information, Wikipedia, exposes, representation, inaccuracy, denouncement, browsing, atomic bombs, science, priorities, materiality, awareness, dimishment, environments, pronouns, essence, thetans, soul, exteriorizing, separation, affiliation, psychiatry, opposition, concepts, treatment, barbarism, mental image pictures, analytic minds, reactive minds, engrams, Clears, auditing, dynamics, Tone Scale, boiling down, political correctness, blood brothers, shamen, the Orient, rags, L. Ron Hubbard, horses, Eagle Scouts, appointments, people, web design, simplicity, Joseph Smith, truth, apostles, Jesus, originality, origination, uniqueness, structure, prophets, Thomas S. Monson. apostasy, liking, Salt Lake City, evangelicals, church, the Bible, baptism, school, Catholic school, atheism, self-indulgence, the metaphorical heart, sidenotes, worrying, extremity, outcry, support, looking forward
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Week 3, Day 7

29 07 2009

Thankfully, my directives of the day are quite simple. I get really burnt out by the end of each week & it’s nice to have a little time to relax! Also, I won’t have another day off until Monday at the earliest! After a long, sunny, early (for me) morning dog walk along the sea wall, (during which Bella was attacked by two off leash dogs, I might add) I came home & went straight to bed. It’s really hot in Vancouver right now & we’re all in sleep mode. I’d wake up occasionally & eat some frozen grapes. Then doze some more.

Too hot to close our eyes while sleeping

Today I was supposed to surprise one of my brothers with total niceness. I have millions of brothers, so I picked one of my father’s youngest kids whom I’m just getting to know. Oskar is a talented young animator who’s just about to enter high school. He likes morbid & creepy things & so do I.

I gave him a call & offered him a small stipend to animate one of my morbid & creepy prose poems (“Sunday Times,” for those of you in the know). My father may narrate it! I’ll post the collaborative work here & on YouTube when it’s complete. Then you can give us all the critical acclaim we were born deserving.

I’m also supposed to write & send my father a letter in which I tell him something I’ve never told him before. I’ll get on that shortly.

Lastly, I’m to do something for myself that would please my mother. She emailed me from the middle of the wilderness somewhere to say:

What would please me most is if you would do something that would please you, a little something that makes your heart do a tiny dance. Be it a manicure, an ice cold drink, even a steam shower although I can’t imagine wanting one of those in all this heat. A cold shower perhaps, but heat?

So that’s easy enough. It sounds like there’s a glass of water with my name on it.

This week has been unexpectedly lovely. I’ve stepped outside my comfort zone in ways I would have once never thought possible– I’m not only nicer now, I’m much stronger too. In that sense, this was really good preparation for the weeks to come & I’m glad I picked Sheera to choreograph Week 3.

& let’s hear it for three of our heroes! They selflessly donated blood in order to help me satisfy one of my directives, & in doing so, provided three times as much blood as I would’ve been able to!

David Sieffert

Amanda Carver

Ben Trafford

I must admit, an unfortunate side effect of my new found earnestness is that I’ve become rather boring! But apparently contentment also functions as natural Botox. My eyebrows have stopped moving! I suggest you all try being nice & happy– it does wonders for the skin. I suppose any sort of difficult, satisfying work might have the same effect. I’ve posted a video despite facial immobility & inability to construct a sentence, since I know some of you are voyeuristic like that. In it, I make a few tentative steps towards philosophizing before deciding it’s better for all of us if I just have my cat wave at the camera.

I advise you to ignore my rambling & observe instead how each week alters my physical appearance & my speech patterns rather noticeably.

Now, ONWARDS!

Neal has provided me with what may well be my most challenging schedule yet. My mother isn’t too happy about it, which makes me sad. But hopefully she’ll see it’s not so bad! In short, I must convert to three separate religions (Mormonism, Scientology, & fundamental Christianity) over the course of a single week with utmost sincerity each time! No going through the motions. I bet you guys think that sounds pretty hard.

Well just watch me!

In conclusion, my books are still moldy, & now rained on. I can’t bring myself to throw them away! So I leave them on my balcony in hopes that they’ll cure themselves. Maybe Xenu can help me?? (Shh… just kidding.)

I like to call this photograph "Nabokov, expired by KITTENS!"

p.s. I’ve started taking my eggs sunny side up.

Comments : 19 Comments »
Tags: acclaim, animation, balconies, bed, Bella, boredom, Botox, brothers, burn out, Christianity, collaboration, comfort zones, conversions, correspondence, creepiness, cures, dancing, decisions, difficulty, directives, dog fights, dog walks, earnestness, eggs, eyebrows, fathers, frozen grapes, going through the motions, heart, heat, help, mold, Mondays, morbidity, Mormonism, mothers, narration, Neal, off leash, onwards, packratting, philosophizing, pictures, poetry, preparation, rain, rambling, satisfaction, Scientology, Sheera, showers, side effects, sincerity, skin, speech patterns, summer, sun, sunny side up, surprises, talent, the Chancellor, Vancouver, video, voyeurism, water, waving, Week 4, wilderness, work, Xenu
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Emily, Lived By: