Woke up very wobbly from the casino last night! Felt a curious lightness without my Coin of Destiny. But at least Week 9 really went out with a bang! Sometimes it seems like every Wednesday is New Years Eve.
But now I’m born again… again. Welcome to Day 1 of GEEK WEEK!
This week, I’m being lived by a brave understudy: Ben Trafford! Some of you might be familiar with him by now. He’s having me do all sorts of nerdy things– read his bizarrely formatted schedule & you should get the picture.
The Chancellor doesn't like geeks. He's sleeping on the couch!
After hobbling downstairs for some coffee I hobbled back up again. Today was actually bright & sunny! I wanted to work on my tan. Can you be a geek & have a tan? Well, the answer is irrelevant, as I was too busy. I had to 1. write Ben a 500 word essay with my thoughts on geekdom. I was generous & gave him over a thousand. I led him on a truly magical journey, liberally peppered with chummy personal anecdotes & candid self-examination.
"I'll take the balcony, loser!"
In it, I come to the conclusion that while I share a geek’s love of art, pop culture, & trivia,
[...] the world of make-believe stopped interesting me as a child. I like my reading & viewing material to be hyper-real, ultra-real, fiction that helps unlock the reality I inhabit. The mysteries I’m fascinated by are the real mysteries of the unknowable world that is actually around us, rather than constructed mysteries of a simpler fantasy world. I don’t know if I could say that I’m an escapist. I think I might be the opposite. But my experience of the world is so opposite to escapism that it actually ends up approaching it. I may embody escapism’s mirror image.
This may be a luxury afforded to me by my high IQ, admirable pedigree, & stunning good looks. If I were somebody else, I can imagine wanting to escape to a simpler & more just world. As it is, I don’t need simplicity or justice. Actually, the only thing I need is a maid.
I don’t consider it a day until I’ve mis-misrepresented myself on the internet.
My lovely little essay also includes several keywords I think that geeks might like. Words like:
hamster, Ancient Egypt, Trekkies, cheerleader, midriff, skinny-dipping, student council, schoolgirl uniform, suicide poetry, child bride, schizophrenia, instant message, livejournals, S&M, childfree, Star Wars, Harry Potter, comic books, fantasy, computers, Marvel, Klingon, internetspeak, Star Trek, escapism
I sent it along to Ben, along with my choice of 2. Klingon word #2. I must work “maj’” into everyday speech when I feel like it. Funnily enough, I haven’t really felt like it. Which isn’t to say everything isn’t maj’. I’m also supposed to say 3. QALPA’! anytime someone impresses me or bids me farewell. Well, lots of people have said bye to me, but no one has yet bade me farewell. & since I am always impressed by everything, for practical reasons I can’t say it whenever someone impresses me! Or else my speech would be replaced entirely with QALPA QALPA QALPA QALPA QALPA QALPA & we wouldn’t get anywhere. I only managed a few today, but I’m sure I’ll work it in more in the future.
Anyway, I went to the video store to 4. get The Prisoner but they didn’t have it. Harder to find than the Criterion Collection, even! & I still had to go 5. hang out at a comic book store. I’ve ordered the series from Amazon & it should arrive Monday-ish. Till then, 6. no other TV! That shouldn’t be hard. I don’t watch TV anymore.
I figured the comic book store might close at 5:00 so I rushed on over to make it there shortly before four. After all, I had to 7. spend at least a full hour there! Made it by about 3:40 & thus began my education at ELFSAR.
Not quite sure what I was supposed to be doing, I approached the guys at the front desk, Ethan (owner & proprieter) & Omar. Told them I’d need to hang out for an hour. First, did they have the 8. Sandman series? Second, did they need help with anything? Like unpacking boxes? I mean what else would I do in an hour? I could tell from their responses they thought that was pretty weird. They explained that people hang out in comic book stores all the time. Oh. I never realized that these places are hang outs. I thought they were just places where you buy things!
I was kind of at a loss as to what to do. I asked them about role playing games & Klingon. I don’t know what kind of geek Mr. Trafford is, but he said that role playing games last 4-8 hours normally. These guys said they can be as short as an hour! & that four hours is a long time. Relief! I’ve got to do one of those games tomorrow. Sounds like it won’t be the chunk of time I thought.
Then Omar politely showed me where the Sandman was.
He pretends to show me for the very first time.
WHAT? It was four enormous volumes that would’ve taken up almost my entire budget. Ridiculous! No way! But wait… I pulled up Trafford’s directives & consulted Omar very seriously about them. There must be a loophole. There must. There must.
Omar & I discovered we both love e.e. cummings.
Where is the loophole?
Omar & I discovered we both like Yeats.
Where is the loophole?
Omar & I debated the grammar in Ben’s phrasing: You must get either Neil Gaiman’s Sandman or Warren Ellis’ Transmetropolitan series of graphic novels.
I hold that I was not legally required to get the Sandman series & thus could get only one book. Omar thinks that for my case to stand up in court a comma would be needed somewhere. Hmmm.
Then he hit upon it! There are lots of Sandman series.
Them's just jokes, baby.
I picked up TWO, because I am a kind & generous overachiever. Omar & Ethan, fluent in all things geek, assured me my logic was airtight!
I just had another half an hour or so to kill. Not so bad! But what else was I to do.
Suddenly it struck me. Did they have cartoon pornography?
YES! Omar helped me find some erotic comics, exactly to my taste!! One of them is by a local artist called Cinema Sewer. Adults Only! I got the “Shocking Times Square Special!” — can’t wait to break that out of the plastic.
& then, THEN I found out that there are erotic comics based on fairytales! Be! Still! My! Heart! I picked up some sort of preview edition of Beyond Wonderland. Perfect for the project.
I'm sorry there's gum on it.
Omar also showed me a delightful book, wrapped in plastic, that was very thick & fancy looking. It’s called Lost Girls & it’s banned in the UK. It’s full of the pornographic exploits of various fairy-tale characters like Dorothy Gale & Jack (of Beanstalk fame) & Alice & so on. Wow! I kind of lusted after it, but it was over $50 & I hadn’t even seen inside. So I reluctantly set it aside.
Comics ARE fun. At this point, euphoria set in. I experience a lot of euphoria lately. Omar & Ethan were my very first mentors! They guided me through my conversion experience & once I was one of them we were ready to have fun.
We celebrated with lightsaber fights!
By George! I think she's got it!
Only the good (comic book store proprieters) die young!
It was so fun I could barely stand it! We started to talk about the exact nature of the project & this week’s participant (After explaining, I said: 9. “Hey, you sass that hoopy Ben Trafford? There’s a frood who really knows where his towel is!” — whatever that means).
Then we hit on a great great idea. They could comment on my blog from the store, right before my eyes! In my very presence.
Wonderful!
& they then composed a comment more masterful & hilarious than my wildest dreams. You’ll see it under this week’s schedule. But I want it preserved for posterity here:
Exploiting loopholes with this strange girl who has entered our shop. Our Geek is stronger than your geek, Ben. Maybe one day you will meet her too, and we have never even heard of her. She played with our lightsabers Ben and she liked it, in fact she is playing with them again as we speak. She has been seduced by the dark side of our force.
Ben,
we looked at your directives and found your lack of geek disturbing, come visit us and learn from the masters.
http://www.elfsar.com
These guys have blown all other gold star candidates out of the water. I paced around the store laughing hysterically for around half an hour. (“Like the laughter of children” said Omar). By now I’d spent much longer there than required. It was past 5:00! Ethan headed out & I decided I’d leave too, but first… oh I was very dizzy. I faint sometimes. & last night took a lot out of me! I just needed to… sit down for a moment & catch my breath.
I sat down with my head on my knees. But even the chair seemed awfully high. I crawled to the ground. “This is so embarrassing!” But Omar assured me that he sees much stranger behavior all the time. He fetched me a little cup of water & an Ugly Doll for a pillow. Oh, Omar. He’s so dreamy. I’m not sure if it’s a Geek Week version of Stockholm Syndrome or what, but I think Omar is seriously dreamy. He’s probably taken, but ladies, if not– RUN, don’t walk, over to Elfsar & try to pick him up!
I lay on the ground for awhile.
Today I am all funny faces
At first I would try to sit up when people came into the store but then I realized that a comic book store is the absolute best place to behave like a weirdo. Even though I was doubled over on the ground laughing quietly to myself & using a doll as a pillow, most people did not even give me a single glance! Have I found my people? Well, not exactly… but maybe I will stop by Elfsar every now & then for naptime. I also have another project related idea that incorporates the store. But we’ll see.
When I sat up, Omar treated me to a blue Powerade (yuck, but good for me? “Do geeks drink this?” I asked. & he said yes & told me about the history of Gatorade). Then, he even took the aforementioned Lost Girls out of the plastic! & I read it while I recovered. It was VERY obscene!
Storytime comes after naptime.
So fun. I can’t believe I got to spend so much of the day sitting on the floor of a store with a stuffed animal, reading pornography & being waited on by handsome men! I recovered around 6:45 & left just before closing at 7:00pm.
The only problem is that I don’t really like comic books. Why can’t other stores be as fun as this one?
Anyway, I hope the men at Elfsar know they can help me exploit my loopholes anytime.
I returned home, ordered The Prisoner, then spent some time 10. link-following or whatever Trafford calls it? Then I headed out to 7-11. I thought that in order to think like a geek I should probably eat like a geek. So I got some ramen noodles, dill pickle flavored potato chips, Kraft Dinner, & Dr. Pepper. (I was supposed to 11. drink something fizzy & caffeinated).
Chancellor's tender ministrations are probably inspired by Omar
Then, after a light appetizer of pickle chips, I dined on ramen & egg. Then I 12. watched the intro to The Prisoner, which was all I could find online.
I also watched The Prisoner.
You know the one.
I thought a bathroom mirror self-pic, especially with mirror-face, especially with a sign, especially if said sign contained allusion to Pinky & the Brain, would be appropriate for Geek Week. Also, before you ask, I wrote it backwards. But that doesn’t make me a geek. DaVinci entertained himself similarly, I believe.
Now all I have left to do is 13. read my Sandman before turning in. Tomorrow I have to do some role-playing, blahh. I still don’t exactly know what it is. I talked to a few guys in Elfsar about it & asked them if there’s anyway I could do a really boring kind. Like I’d really like to do a roleplaying game where I’m Janet from Sales & I’ve got to return some pillowcases but Madison gets out of daycare at 6:00 & I don’t know if I’ll have enough time anyway how will I stop the dog from chewing on the coffee-table & does my husband still find me attractive? But apparently nobody does that kind of role-playing. Maybe I can invent it.
So tired! Hope I don’t faint while walking the dog.
The best thing that happened to me today was waking up & seeing Chance sleeping INSIDE A Good Man is Hard to Find. He’s the best little familiar I’ve ever had.
Week 10, Day 2
11 09 2009Thus, another long & unproductive day of GEEK WEEK comes to a close. My brain is adequately dulled by hours spent playing online 1. role-playing games, my naturally comely physique is suffering from a diet of sugar, powdered cheese, & food coloring, & I have very few pictures to show for it, since I only left my house for a trip to 7-11 & the comic store. All in all, enormously fulfilling.
Our friend Trafford has suggested that I 2. include a banner of his own design on each of my geek week entries. Oh, all right!
Well, the highlight of my day was obviously reading fairy-tale themed pornography on the floor of ELFSAR, the best & only comic store I’ve ever been to. You can read the whole episode on the post below.
Now the lovely banner is out of the way & we can proceed!
Before I got out of my bed, I lay in awhile longer. I read some comic book pornography with the Chancellor.
The Chancellor is my favorite eunuch.
Sadly, it failed to impress. Sorry, local artist! There were hardly any pictures & I found the text obscene without being particularly titillating. If you enjoy reading exuberantly filthy male fantasy, I’d recommend Nicholson Baker’s The Fermata instead. I finished it a few weeks ago. It’s about a temp who can freeze time & uses his powers to undress women. Vulgar, very fun, & literary to boot. Though I can’t promise you won’t find it offensive.
I read some 3. Sandman last night, though, as per my orders. & I loved it!
ANYWAY.
This morning I was supposed to 4. go to the Vancouver Gaming Guild website to see if I could find someone to play a role-playing game with me tonight. I went, but it didn’t look very busy. Furthermore, I’d decided to take a commenter’s suggestion & do online role playing instead. What can I say? I’m a geek. I suffer from crippling social anxiety & self-diagnosed Asperger’s syndrome.
In the afternoon it was recommended that I 5. research role-playing games. What a kind recommendation! But I was too busy wiling away the hours on Facebook to get around to it.
I made some Kraft Dinner. That’s a geek food, I think. It was not as good as I remember it from my childhood.
I grow more attractive by the day!
Do you see my snake shirt? It’s one of favorites. I bought it for $5 at a store that was going out of business in Ann Arbor. Normally it was at least 12 times more expensive! I bought it because I a) liked the Biblical implications & b) TD is terrified of snakes. But today I thought I should wear it because it is geeky. I’m not sure why it’s geeky but I just have a feeling.
Then I was ready to shirk my errands. In favor of a much more interesting errand that had occurred to me!
What is this errand, you cry? Tell us, Emily! (exploding with love for me)
Well, a lot of people want to send me things. But I’m a lady, & I simply don’t give out my address to strangers on the internet. It’s not because it’s not safe– I have a vicious dog, a formidable security system, & a wholly American love of heavy artillery, plus itchy trigger finger, balcony, large pots, easily-heated oil. But it’s not dignified to give out one’s address.
I was going to get a P.O. Box, but yesterday (while lying on the floor of Elfsar), I was struck with a brilliant idea. Maybe Elfsar could be my post office! Then I’d have an excuse to go back there periodically, despite an almost total lack of interest in comic books. & it’s much more fun than picking up packages from a post office. Then I have other people to delight in my spoils with me! Also, the scenery is better. I ran it by Ethan over email last night & this afternoon headed over. I’m paying them about what I’d pay the post office & they’ll hold my packages for me.
ALSO, I’m going to record every package-receiving excursion. Not in text… certainly not. Nor in photographs — how old fashioned! Video? Well that sounds tedious…
I’ll make little comic strips! I like to be as multimedia as possible these days. So anytime I get a package, you’ll see a little comic about it. Rudimentary, perhaps. But appropriate.
My mailing address is now:
I love this address as if it were my very own.
Send whatever you want, whenever you want, & I’ll make sure to incorporate it into the project somehow. Of course, you should know you have no control over HOW I’ll incorporate it.
Anyway, I went down to Elfsar (laden with dog food) to see my new best friends. Omar & Ethan! How I love you! A man named Matheus was there too. I bought my package rights for three months plus a Coke.
The guys told me they’d checked the comments & some guy had written a really long one. Let me guess. Ptolemy? Yeah! (They had no trouble with his name, I’ll have you know). They gave me the gist of it, told me it was a one act play, & I was struck with another brilliant idea.
Did they want to act it out? They didn’t seem to want to, exactly, but this was no time to be coy!!
I raced home & fed the dog & got my computer & raced back!
Wow they were good. They only took one take. I kept messing up the end, however.
Results?
I think I speak for all of us when I say 6. QAPLA’! Also, um, 7. maj’
Who knew geeks could be so handsome & talented?
As a sidenote, apparently Ben Trafford came by the store early this morning, seeking Omar for a duel of some sort. Unfortunately for everyone, Omar wasn’t in. Mr. Trafford is apparently a thin man with a pointed goatee! He bought a Coke. That’s all I know.
I left the store & headed to 7-11, where I bought 7. food traditionally associated with gaming [...] Nothing too fancy, and nothing that takes too much time to do. I was still very full from my awful KD, & rather at a loss. But I hit upon it. NERDS! Obviously, those are associated with gaming. I also picked up some Sour Whips (haha — whips) & a slurpee. I think I should get extra geek points for mixing Coca-Cola & cream soda flavors. So there’s my dinner.
Once home, I 8. Watched some Prisoner. A clip on YouTube where the guy shouts he’s Not a number! Very excited for real thing.
Then I 9. Went forth & gamed.
I looked around a little for free online RPG’s but nothing really struck my fancy. Then I hit upon it. I should google RPG’s for girls. I found a lovely website full of girly games.
The first game I played was called “Get a Life.” I found that appropriate. It was similar to my Janet-From-Sales idea. I could do a few exciting things like “Beg for change from Mom” or “Sleep” or “Go to class.” I spent a few minutes playing but I couldn’t figure out how to get my character’s Happiness score up. Though I kept going to the bar to buy drinks, I kept going into negative Happiness points so I got bored & quit. How eerily portentious.
Next I played “Tattoo Artist.” I had to stay in the lines. Next!
“Perfect Wedding Cake” was much more fun. It told me:
I created a beautiful concoction. It had a live butterfly, a ballerina, pink roses, a teddy bear — the works!
Then I played a few more. I made breakfast sandwiches to order, ran a little bakery, & also played “Octomom,” in which I was hired as Octomom’s nanny & I had to feed the babies whatever they wanted or they’d be taken away by social services.
But none of these seemed dangerously addictive.
Finally I hit upon FARM MANIA. I’m might keep playing once I’m done with this post. I have a little farm of my very own. I’ve done so well that I have sheep & lettuce & two varieties of melon, also geese, two buckets, a double-sided hoe — wow, the works.
All I have left to do is 10. email my mother to tell her the gaming geeks didn’t eat me (of course not. All I’ve been doing is scaring off virtual rabbits) & 11. Read Sandman before bed.
If you think this is boring, blame GeekMaster Trafford — not me. As if I have any control over all of this! I’ll spend the rest of this Friday night updating the tags on past entries, like a true Geek.
That’s right. Tag, Virtual Farm, & Email. For tomorrow I Goth.
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