Week 9, Day 7

10 09 2009

Thus concludes a truly remarkable (final) day of being lived by The Bailey Sisters!  Man it was great.

I hardly know where to begin.

Let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start)

Let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start)

In the morning, I let 1. The Coin of Destiny do the talking.  I made lots of decisions.  Now, after a long night at the casino, I’m not sure if I remember any of them.  But among them:

  • Should I follow a commenters’ either/or directive today? (NO)
  • Should I wear the black or grey shoes? (BLACK)
  • Should I eat at Nuba or somewhere new? (NEW)
  • Coke or Snapple? (SNAPPLE)

& so forth.  I lived “my life” & eventually ended up at home.  All unfamiliar food, black shoes, & Snapple.

When I returned home, my phone was waiting for me in the mailbox! Loaded with texts, of course.

Thanks, Mom!

Thanks, Mom!

I didn’t need to 2. Consult the I Ching to determine which Radio Lab podcast to listen to today as the I Ching had, by process of elimination, decided that I would listen to “Musical Languange.”

Now there was a magical experience! I listened as if it were going out of style.

Very good.  I made a video of me listening, but the 3. Coin of Destiny said I shouldn’t post it.  Sorry, guys.

Well, I was supposed to 4. go to the Casino tonight. Wearing 5. red lipstick and 6. jeans, hoodie, & sunglasses.  Managed the lipstick ok. Jeans too. Hoodie as well. As for the sunglasses? That was a little more difficult. But I drew some sunglasses on my wrist & hung a sunglass around my neck. Thus, covered all bases.

I put the awe in awesome.

I put the awe in awesome.

Eventually, the Bailey sisters (or two of them) arrived at my home. Luck was a latey tonight.

I can build them a bike...

I can build them a bike...

They’ve been feeling disenchanted with me lately. I’m all loopholes & semantics. & there were certainly more semantics ahead!  Was there ANY WAY to rectify this?  I thought I might be able to do it through song.

Outtakes will be available on the members only site. The outtakes are actually the best part of the project this week!  Anyway, I managed to convince them (through song & liberally flowing champagne) that “bike” was open to interpretation. On the way to the casino, I would sing them improvised songs, all about bicycles & cycling.  & thus, I’d 7. bike. Good.

I won them over to my cause. We headed over, singing all the while.

We took a cab over, at their insistence, where I serenaded them & the cab driver at length. We made a video but (sigh) I accidentally deleted it.

Nearing the gates

Nearing the gates

After the cab we found ourselves, very excited, in the casino. We took some amazing pictures too, but the casino owners made us delete them. So we took another picture outside with the bouncer.

Nobody NOSE the trouble I've seen

Nobody NOSE the trouble I've seen

Yeah, I look like the joker.  But it’s the best I can do, under the circumstances.

Then we headed in to play a few games. I was only allowed the 8. hard bar so I drank some whiskey. While my friends enjoyed the (much more moderately priced) beer.

Then I 9. Flipped the Coin of Destiny to determine what games I would play

  • Blackjack
  • Slots
  • Slots

In Blackjack I put 15 down & won 25!  Then I played slots, where I put $20 in & won $50. I had a 9. budget of $81 but, after some fudging, I made it. Regardless, I won over $40. Most of it on slots. Lucky me!  I talked to the dealers, none of whom gamble on their free time, & they all agreed I was lucky.

So many amazing pictures uploaded that don’t quite fit in with the theme of today’s blog. It’s a pity. Those of you who actually know me will likely see these appear on facebook.  Small consolation, I know.

As far as tomorrow, the first day of Week 10, goes?  Well, a commenter favorite (Ben Trafford) has stepped in. He’s proven to be a remarkable understudy. You should all aspire to such heights.

I have his schedule up, & his bio too.

In the next few days you should witness me getting down & nerdy.

Still high off my gains at the casino (more than $30 for sure!) I’m up for anything.





Week 9, Day 6

9 09 2009

I’m almost done being lived by the Baileys!  It’s been a long & exciting week.

I’ll tell you right off that you can’t expect any pictures. I lost my iPhone!  & I can’t find my camera.  So you will have to attempt (difficult, I know) to use your imaginations.

The Chancellor is happy to have me back.

The Chancellor is happy to have me back.

That’s all you’re getting from me. Let it be inspiration enough.

Today was a very long day.  It began with me waking up with fewer than five hours of sleep under my mother’s dining room table.  I’d 1. Flipped The Coin of Destiny the night previous & I had to leave in the morning.  Earliest ferry was 10:30.  I left a note to that effect on my dining-room-table-tent. (You can watch the whole architectural process, if you’re so inclined, in the post below).  Anyway, I woke up & had fifteen minutes to get ready.  A few blueberries, pieces of bacon, & hard-boiled egg later, & I found myself back in the trusty family Volvo, ready to face the future.

I nearly missed having a future at all.  Arrived at the ferries with just minutes to spare!  Bought ticket, raced in.  As I was about to text TD with a snide comment about the supremely Canadian “Female Washroom” sign in the terminal, realized my phone was gone.  The horror!  Probably in my mother’s car?

Felt my cell like a phantom limb the whole ride back to Vancouver.  Though eventually it began to feel like a timeless, underwater state.  A little bliss in that, I’ll admit.

I’m supposed to 2. Flip The Coin for all minor decisions.  I was lost enough & discovered a way to circumnavigate it.  I wouldn’t make any decisions.  For the next several hours I followed my impulses without thinking about them, much as I always do.  I bought the New Yorker & read it on the ferry.  The wrongful execution story prompted a tear or two.

Then I took the (non-express) bus back to the city.  Braden had my keys & I had no way of getting in touch with him, but I remained very calm.  After an hour or so on the bus (insane man explaining to us that the Japanese kill heroes, but he, on the other hand, was a military captain of Jesus, here to spread the “Don’t worry, be happy” word!), I exited with my suitcase & headed for a nearby coffee bar with wireless access.

Sent some desperate emails.  Jess! Call Braden! Sipped tea.  Still no decisions.  I was kind of like a Vulcan.  Or at least a Vulcan as I understand it from watching Trekkies– never seen an episode of Star Trek in my life.  I unquestioningly followed my own logic & no hemming & hawing or coin-flipping was necessary.  Smart.  I eventually got in touch with Braden & headed to his work to get my keys.

We stopped for sushi.  I selected commenter Suzanne’s either/or directive.  3. Hot drink or cold? I got tails.  I eschewed the free tea in favor of a non-free can of coke.

I eventually made it home around 5:00.  Long day at the office.

Meanwhile, tonight’s date AND my back-up date were supremely MIA.  I made a deal with Braden & he promised to be my third go-to man if the date ultimately fell through.  I waited for Braden to get off work & accomplished some of my directives.

I 4. consulted the I Ching to see which Radio Lab podcast I should listen to.  I got Hexagram 42 (Augmenting/Increase) with the alternate 24 (Return).  Obviously, I was to listen to “Time.”

I 5. Listened to it.

Perhaps it’s because I think about time a lot, but this was the first Radio Lab which failed to fully impress.  I’ve always experienced time differently than others, & I suppose I’ve also researched time a little — maybe this is why none of the information in the program was particularly new or surprising to me.  Or maybe I was just busy.  Eventually, I listened with half an ear.  My favorite quote? “The joy of time is when you lose it completely.”

I admit, I experienced time VERY differently today.  I had no phone– & thus no clock.  I made very few decisions.  & it lasted a pleasant eternity. Things were soon to speed up, however.

Should I email the team at Radio Lab & ask them to participate in my project?  6. Flipped.  Yes.

Did. Unfortunately, when/if they come to this site, they’ll be presented with this rather dull & photo-less entry.  But that’s part of destiny too, I suppose.

Then I emailed the Bailey sisters.  We’re all to go to the casino tomorrow.  I 5. flipped The Coin to determine the details. Results?

1. Jeans hoodie and sunglasses
2. Hard bar
3. Go with two others
4. Bike
5. Red lipstick
6. $81 spending money

I emailed them with our destiny.

Magali responded:

Grand. What time? Want to come here first or shall we meet there?

So many people have decisions for me!

  • TAILS: we’ll meet here.
  • HEADS: they’ll pick the time.

There you have it.  Suddenly time began to move very fast!  I was prepped for a quiet night with Braden, when I received an email from tonight’s date!  A flurry of planning began.  Then I left my house almost immediately.  Took the skytrain (for the first time) to the movie theatre where most of tonight’s date was to unfold!

In our pre-chat, we realized we have a lot in common.  Not only is he from Ann Arbor (what coincidence!), he’s also lived in LA. Then 6. I flipped The Coin to see if I could get popcorn. NO.  But then they made it fresh.  7. Now?  YES.

As far as my directives go, should I remind you of the details?

  • no makeup
  • indoor
  • (nighttime)
  • pants
  • hair down
  • booze
  • smoke
  • don’t talk about project
  • goldfish

So anyway, we went to watch Inglourious Basterds. I was certainly 8. wearing pants & definitely had 9. no make-up & my hair was almost 100% 10. down. We were 11. indoors, of course, & it was 12. nighttime.  I 13. didn’t talk about the project either.  We 14. drank some covert whiskey in the theatre. By the time the strudel scene rolled around he turned to me & asked if I wanted to leave.  Um, yes?!  A man after my own heart!  There is nothing I love more than walking out of a movie!

I’d resigned myself to watching the whole thing (eyes closed during violence, of course) as I thought it was part of my destiny.  But normally I would not be so patient.  I didn’t have to make a decision, however: he wanted to leave too!!  We walked out.  Giddy with joy.

Then he suggested we drive to a bar.  I 15. Flipped the Coin of Destiny & it said he wasn’t a serial killer.  Ok. The coin is never wrong.

In the parking garage, his pick-up truck suggested otherwise.  Or perhaps I misread the NRA sticker?  Or the stained twin mattress, empty coconut shell, length of rope & metal tools in the back.  Still, who am I to argue with fate?  & if he killed me, well — any publicity is good publicity.  I told him that God was watching him & if he was going to murder me, he should do it gently. We got in the car & 16. smoked a cigarette before heading to the bar.

Cigarettes are a filthy habit, but I don’t have any control over my directives.

Then we split a pitcher of beer & my new friend Joe attempted to seduce me.  It was an admirable effort, & it certainly would’ve worked on me if I were 17.  I told him as much, then gave him helpful pointers for the future.  Though he’s already very good & he probably doesn’t need them.  Speaking of 17, I attempted to work 17. goldfish into the conversation.  I had a particularly good lateral thinking question in mind.  But as the topics of conversation would not veer from lesbian experimentation, the kind of sex I had with my ex-boyfriend, & his work in the air conditioning business, we never quite reached the transcendent realm of lateral thinking.  I eventually forgot all about it, as I was having too much fun.  I’m sorry.  I’ve failed you.

His knuckles were all taped up.  I asked him if it was from cutting up prostitutes.  But much to my relief, it was nothing like that.  Just a run-of-the-mill barfight.  I was very impressed.

Then, against my better judgment, we went back to his apartment where…

I waited for my cab!  He was a true gentleman.  You know, on plentyoffish (the dating website I was required to sign up for this week) we were 97% compatible.  That’s why I went with him.  & despite our vast differences on the surface, I sense a kindred spirit within.  I have to say I was very fond of this guy.  We’ll stay in touch (we better!) & I’m going to be his wingman (I hope!).  I’m a really good wingman.  Also he is a DJ & he can introduce me to some electronic music.

Actually I kind of love Joe.  He says I think too much but I love him anyway.  Do you hear that, Joe?  I love you!

Now it’s time for bed.  I’m going to sleep for a hundred years.  Sorry about the lack of pictures, but my phone will arrive in the mail tomorrow or day after.  If I wake up with a long white beard I’ll be sure to document it for posterity.

Give me some more either/or’s!  I still have one day left.  So excited for casino tomorrow. Though I’ve never been to one & I don’t even know the rules of poker, that just makes it more exciting.





Week 9, Day 5

8 09 2009

& thus another long & strange day of being lived by The Bailey Sisters draws to a close!  I hardly know where to begin.  I could tell you where I end: on a pile of cushions underneath my mother’s dining room table.  But how did I get here?  Let me turn back the clock & lead you by hand.

I woke up this morning to Jess on the phone.  “I’ll be outside at nine!” she told me.

“Yes, of course!” I responded cheerily, reflexively hiding the fact that she’d just woken me up.  WHY was she calling me before 7:00am?  As I hung up I saw the time on my cell phone.  8:47!  So it looks like my alarm didn’t go off after all.

Somehow I made it out the door.  Bella was very excited that we were about to go on a long trip but her face when I reached the door & begin to leave without her nearly killed me!  I could hear her mournful wails in the elevator.  But Jess will have taken her for a walk tonight.

only destiny is awake

only destiny is awake

Stumbled into the car (I’ll buy Jess breakfast another day) & began the drive to the Horseshoe Bay Ferries.  Today I was supposed to travel with 1. the soundtrack provided by the Bailey sisters.  The soundtrack turned out to be silence.  & the occasional song + static on Jess’ car radio.  It’s ok.  It lent an air of reality to the whole thing.

Fortunately I made it.  Did Jess come with me?  No.  The Coin of Destiny had determined that I would 2. travel alone.  Travel alone I did, bleary-eyed & unbathed as any decent hobo.

Once on the ferry, I 3. flipped the Coin to see if I could have Coke for breakfast.  NO.  4. Coke with breakfast? YES!  Well, what do you know.

I 3. ate out on the ferry, not sure if I’d have a chance on the island.  There’s a photograph of the meal for evidence, but do you really want to see a picture of a tray of egg & toast?  The most exciting part is the big paper cup of Coca-Cola.  Boy does that stuff make my heart sing.

After a few bites of mystery meat & so forth, I headed to the top deck.  Where I pondered things.

i should be wearing a yellow pantsuit

i should be wearing a yellow pantsuit

Then I found a seat & (rather sheepishly) 4. consulted the I Ching to see which 5. Radio Lab podcast I should listen to.

sixteen going on seventeen

sixteen going on seventeen

Well I got Hexagram 16 (Following) with the variable Hexagram 17 (Providing). The answer is clear, right?

“Choice.”  That’s what I listened to.  It was good & relevant in a way my notes on it aren’t.  It lasted just as long as the ferry ride.  Then I got off the ferry.

On the way up the gangplank or whatever it’s called I flipped the Coin again.

  • Do you think because I’m in Nanaimo, the Nanaimo bars are extra good? (NO)

Eventually I encountered my mother, who greeted me by doing what she soon explained was 6. a goldfish dance.  Intriguing.  & very strange.   That wasn’t my plan for “goldfish” but it seemed to be destiny.  I decided to keep her goldfish dance as a back-up.

On the drive over, I faced a barrage of decisions.  Did I want to go horseback riding?  Which of the following seven restaurants did I want to eat at?  & what about Christmas plans? Did I want to drive a few hours for oysters?  Sit in the front seat?  So many decisions!  I politely refused to make any of them, & things calmed down a little.  Though accidental attempts to force me into decision-making did recur on occasion throughout the day.  If I flipped a coin for each of the options my mother gave me, I’d probably be floating in a hot air balloon somewhere over Mexico right now.

Just how do you think I got where I am today?

We ate out again.  At a pub.  For lunch.

Eventually, we arrived at my mother’s home.  She headed out with her husband to buy a trillion oysters & I, after coordinating some things for the project, (& seeing a friend’s post on facebook about a sick goldfish getting an injection at a fish hospital in India!) took the family station wagon out to 7. Qualicum to see the Free Spirit Spheres.

I traveled alone & in silence.  As specified by The Coin.  Oh I also had a 8. lighter in my pocket.

I got lost, but only a little.  Isn’t it nice out there?

HESITATE

HESITATE

That’s me turning around.

oh, bother

oh, bother

I eventually found the spheres but, as I suspected, no visitors without appointments.  My fault? No. 9. wasn’t allowed to make reservations so I wheeled back around.  But someday I’d like to go stay in those spheres.  They sound interesting.

Disappointed?  Remember what they tell you on inspirational posters.  It’s about the _______, not the ___________.

& this was a journey full of interesting private revelations.

On the way back I picked up a bottle of wine for dinner & remembered I had to flip for a 10. either/or directive set provided by one of my commenters.

I selected Ben Trafford’s, & ended up with HEADS.

why, kissing is gross?

why, kissing is gross?

I have to 11. tell you why I think kissing is gross.

I believe I said something to that effect on Twitter a long time ago?

Anyway, kissing is gross, I don’t just think it is.  The human mouth is absolutely filthy, much filthier than a dog’s mouth, & it’s a little strange that people like to put their mouths on each other’s mouths & lick each other’s tongues.  Did they always do that?  Before dental hygiene?  I certainly hope not.

I like to think they call it French kissing because the English didn’t do it at all until recently.

However, just because I think kissing is gross doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it on occasion.  You don’t kiss with your brain, you know.

Satisfied? Titillated? I wouldn’t be, but to each his own.  Next!

Several hours later, I was back in my mother’s home. On 12. the water.

not pictured: shoes, ships, sealing wax

not pictured: shoes, ships, sealing wax

She’d returned with an absolute bounty of oysters!   Five dozen, to be precise.  First, her husband put some on the grill.

(Cover your eyes, Ptolemy! I’m about to have a wholesome good time).

So I ate a barbecued one.  I hope you don’t get fired for looking at a picture of it:

oh dear.

oh dear.

Then I set to work shucking.  I’ve never done it before but I became very good very quickly!  I think I may have found my calling.  I only cut myself once.  I prised open an oyster & told it “HA! Serves you right for being an oyster.”  & then it cut my hand.  I was very proud of it.

gluttony is its own reward

gluttony is its own reward

The oyster, not my hand.

I asked the coin if I should pick one of these three to release into the wild.

tails. sorry guys.

tails. sorry guys.

So I ate 36 oysters.  A dozen for each Bailey sister.  Proud?

& then tucked into a dinner of steak.

I flipped The Coin periodically throughout the day in several minor, uninteresting situations.  Eg., on the theme of steak “Should I put Tabasco on?” So you get the point.

After dinner, we explored the obedience of the dog by balancing meat on his paws & cheese on his head.

there's got to be more than this

there's got to be more than this

Then it was time to 13. Go camping.

The video is rather long, but full of voyeuristic delights. & I think you should see the kind of ingenuity that runs in the family.

After my tent was set up, I went for a walk along the ocean.

As for my date tomorrow? I’m flipping now.

  • no makeup
  • indoor
  • pants
  • hair down
  • booze
  • smoke
  • don’t talk about project
  • goldfish

As for Vancouver, should I go back in the morning or afternoon? (MORNING.  noooooooo.)

Once I’m done with this entry, I’ll go to the water again.  I’m supposed to do something involving a 14. poem, I believe.  I’ll attempt to write out there.  But if that fails, I’ll recite something.

Then? To bed:

q. did you hear about the fire at the circus? a. it was in tents

q. did you hear about the fire at the circus? a. it was in tents





Week 5, Day 5

11 08 2009

Well, I officially kind of love Mondays.  It seems by Monday of each week I really hit my stride.  My directives become natural & easy to accomplish.  Today, I even had plenty of time to read & have a nap!

But first things first.  The World Police & Fire Games ended on Sunday.  Obviously, I did not have time to 1. attend five events earlier in the week.  Also, my car is now uninsured & most of the events were held in cities outside Vancouver.

So, on my day off, I got a coffee (thanks, Salinger!) & trudged a mile through the rain to the Vancouver Convention Centre, which was listed as the day’s venue on the WPAG website.  There I was told that I would have to walk 30 minutes in the opposite direction to the Plaza of Nations, where there was only one event left.  They were doing something called Muster.  IMG_0665

This was the first assignment I seriously contemplated not completing.  But I thought that would set an unhealthy precedent, knew I should put in the effort, & went anyway.  Turns out that Muster is a test of muster.  Oh.

Teams of firemen competed to see who could set up a ladder, climb it, & hand up buckets of water to fill a big barrel on top of a platform the fastest.

I watched at least five competitions between ten countries.  I hold that these were discrete events & consider my mission accomplished!

After relaxing with a smoothie (unfortunately verboten during the working week) with Braden, I headed to Jess & Braden’s place & helped Jess set up her website.  No rest for the wicked!  Then we got some delicious Thai food & watched Bedazzled (the original version).  I think it parallels this project very closely.  But who am I?  Dudley Moore?  Or Peter Cook?  Rent it & tell me!

Also came up with many ingenious ideas for the project.  I am positively brimming with ingenuity these days.

Upon arriving home, I’d received Adam’s video clips!  I cobbled them together & they are very informative & funny, despite the unfortunate but apparently inevitable watermark.

He demonstrates the core exercises he’s assigned to me & then, as a lovely bonus, takes us on a tour of his high school bedroom & shows you what I wrote in his yearbook!  It was hilarious, if only to me.

Those of you interested in getting in shape should watch the core exercises in particular!  I’ve found them extremely beneficial & not so easy as they look.  Those of you merely interested in stalking me should skip the core exercises & watch the bedroom tour.  You’ll get an intimate glance of me at fifteen.

I am officially somebody who works even on my days off.  I’ve got to cut that out.

Anyway, this morning I was really on top of my game. I 2. woke up early & 3. did core & warm-up. Then Braden kindly let me into his building so I could 4. run 1.5 miles on their treadmill.  I did it in 15 minutes!  When I began, it took me over 11 minutes to run a mile.  This time, (I admit I walked one “lap”), a mile only took me 10!  I love seeing fast results.  Now, I feel like my muscles want to be active.  This is particularly difficult, as I’m exercising under the shadow of Week 6.  When I post the schedule, you’ll see what I mean!

Also, I 5. stretched.

The escorts across the street are making fun of me again.  They make fun of me because I’m always up late writing.  They probably think I’m playing some sort of internet game.  I suppose I am, but it’s a very exciting one.  Anyway, my reward is in heaven.

I went home for a shower then met Braden for lunch (so I could 6. eat a meal within an hour of my workout).  I had some potato leek soup & a 7. kale salad.

Goodness & fun are still mutually exclusive.

Goodness & fun are still mutually exclusive.

When I arrived home, I checked my mail.  To my delight, Ptolemy had sent me a book!  It’s his most famous one, Paradise Fever.  & he included a lovely autograph!  You should all buy it & read.  Then maybe you’ll understand why he’s so smart & interesting.

He's tied with Simon Armitage

He's tied with Simon Armitage

I’m getting quite a collection of interesting autographed books.  I got Amy Hempel to autograph one for Bella, & Simon Armitage gave me a lovely & very decorative autograph after a night of heavy drinking at Old Town.  Boy is my life exciting.

Once upstairs, with the help of a friend’s mother, I tracked down the number of one of my favorite high school teachers.  I called her, but she wasn’t in.  I 8. left a voicemail with my number.

Then I crawled into bed with my new book & the Chancellor.  Very compelling read!  Made it halfway thru then dozed.

Afterwards, got a wrap & went to Jess’s, where I helped her transcribe an interview for a documentary.  I love repetitive mindless labor, & this was no exception!  I’m now considering applying for a job as a transcriber (transcriptionist?), so I can transcribe things on my day off & make money for a new computer.  That should show you the abundance of energy I have these days!

Then we went bowling.  In a cool little place where the balls are little balls that don’t have holes in them, & there’s no computer for scoring (must admit, in Michigan I became a habitual bowler, if a very bad one).  We had some trouble figuring out the scoring, but once we managed, wow!  In our first game we both bowled under 100.  In the next two, Jess bowled 150 & 163 respectively!  She’s a natural.  I told her to join a bowling league.  I, on the other hand, remained in the much less impressive 60-80 range.

The bowling shark.

The bowling shark.

Now I’m home.  All I have left to do is 9. play a sport (or do a fun physical activity I can imagine myself doing consistently). Well, when I was at the store today, I picked up a jump rope.  I’m going to skip some rope before bed.  Don’t tell me that’s not a sport.  Bike riding & hiking were suggested options & my third grade self begs to differ.

I’ve also instituted a new fun idea!  I’m giving a gold star to my favorite comment each day.  Whoever gets the most gold stars by the end of the year will get a present from me!  I’m really good at giving presents, & I love doing it.  The first two have gone to Jacqueline & Ptolemy.  But who knows who will get one next!

There are other fun, participatory ideas that will soon be revealed.

Adam gave me some very useful tips on posture a few posts back.  So now I’m making sure to switch my purse carrying shoulder off each day.  & consciously lowering my right shoulder whenever possible.

Planning for my busy day & dinner party tomorrow!  & so am off to bed.  Keep up the good work everyone.





Week 5, Day 3

9 08 2009

Today might look like one of the easiest days.  In fact, it was one of the most taxing!

Also boring to hear about.  So this will be short.  In part, because there is a loud party upstairs & I can’t concentrate!  & also I wish I was there.

Nothing. Beets. This.

Nothing: beets, this.

Maybe because of all the excitement last night, I got off to a slow start.  Woke up late-ish (around 10:00), then prepared for my 1.5 mile run. I did a few minutes of core stretches, then warmed up.  Ran/walked a mile along the sea wall & then a mile back.  I’m not sure if I ran for a full 1.5 miles, but I made sure my heart rate was up the whole time.

I also experienced a runner’s high for the first time in my life!  Wow.  I can see how this gets addictive.  It was also fun to go along seeing other joggers &, also for the first time in my life, identifying with them.  Much of this project seems to be about recognizing cultural subsets of the population I’d never previously given much thought to & learning to identify with the people who belong to them.  Now, for the rest of my life, there will be a little jogger nested inside me.  With a Mormon missionary inside that.  & a piece of Hemingway.  etc.

It’s nice!  But you can see how sometimes it feels like my heart will explode.

Exercise feels great, but I don’t know if running is right for my attention span.  In case you haven’t noticed, pacing is not one of my specialties. I’m trying to think of something slightly less tedious that could give me the same physical benefits.  Swimming, maybe.  I love swimming.

Got home in time for a shower & stretching, then headed off to yoga class.  I absolutely loved the instructor.  I don’t think she was as fond of me, sadly. I think she mistook my fidgeting with my hair as concern for my appearance, instead of physical discomfort (it kept falling down!).  & my constant peeks in the mirror as vanity rather than self-loathing.  I didn’t mind.  It was a great class.  By the end of it I was flexible enough to rest my hands on the floor behind my heels!  Just a few days ago I could barely touch my toes.

I feel physically very good right now.  I’m lucky to have a body that gets into shape very quickly.  I can already see new musculature in my legs & abs.

I also had to go to dinner with friends & sing at least two songs in a karaoke bar. This all sounds very nice & laid back, but I know fewer than 20 people in this city.  I contacted every one of them.  Five are out of town, three didn’t get back to me, & the rest all work tonight!  It seemed nearly impossible & I got very irritable as a result. I’m tired of talking to strangers.  The last thing I wanted was to recruit strangers to sing karaoke with me!  It ALMOST came to that. I hope I have better luck with bowling & dancing.

What a lifesaver.

What a lifesaver.

Thankfully, I convinced Jess to sit with me while I ate my dinner.  I had found someone (emphasis on ONE!) to sing karaoke with me at 8:00 & Jess was racing around between jobs, so this was strictly a forty minute affair.

By the way, she’s on an assignment as a food photographer where she gets to go around taking pictures of the 150 things you have to eat in Vancouver before you die or something.  I am so jealous.  She showed me some of the photos & not only are they amazing, she also gets to EAT a lot of the food!  So while I subsist on two-day old leftover fish & blueberries (ok I do love blueberries), she’s having rabbit & scallops & ice cream!

Well, food is food.  I drowned my sorrows in a dirty martini &, for good measure, smothered them with very good golden beet salad with goat cheese & toasted pine nuts.

Our waiter was a charming guy & we thought it might be funny to take a picture with him.  He’s in a band called TV Heart Attack.  We couldn’t figure out how to pose, so we kind of pretended like I had a problem with my salad, like a bug on the leaf or something.  Don’t ask me why.

Waiter, there's a _____ in my ______.

Waiter, there's a _____ in my ______.

God works in mysterious ways.

Our new musician friend’s name is Jason.  So we (Jason, Jessica, & Emily) were a little common name triumverate.

Now I have to generate enough text to run alongside this picture.

I have ten thousand typing monkeys in my brain. Convenient! Time for your daily Shakespeare fix.

If all the year were playing holidays,
To sport would be as tedious as to work;

– Henry IV Part 1. I.ii

& there you have it.

Come to think of it, maybe I should place a Strictly Platonic personal ad called Desperately Seeking Falstaff.

Though I suppose I already have enough Falstaffs in my life.

I was supposed to have dinner with friends, you say.  Plural.  “One friend does not count!” you cry.  “You’re cheating!”  I am WAY ahead of you naysayers.  I pulled a two dinner maneuver with the help of my new friend Ray.  Ray is a very successful young Canadian writer.

Ray, who tried to pay.

Ray, who tried to pay.

He has about seventy books of poetry out & a cushy job as a professor at UBC.   I’ve only met him once.  But I am very glad he was game for being serenaded by me.

I ordered a beer 100x the size of his & subsequently emasculated him.  Also ate some hamachi, saba, & ikura.  As you can see, I’m putting everything I have into this project.  Not only did I have dinner with friends, I had dinners with them.

Then we got a private room in a karaoke place that was laid out like a brothel.  Or at least like a brothel I once saw in a documentary.

I don’t much like singing publicly or with strangers, but Ray was pretty perfect for this.  We opened our one hour act with “Puff the Magic Dragon.”  Though sad that “A Whole New World” was not in the big karaoke book, we managed pretty well with “Tiny Dancer” & “Paint it Black” & “Karma Police” among others.

I wanted to sing “Paint it Black” because of my mood.  It was extremely satisfying for me.

Karaoke for two is actually pretty fun.  I think you should all try it sometime.  Even if the people who work at the place think you’re crazy.

So.  I accomplished all of today’s directives. By the skin of my teeth, but still.  I was also supposed to attend at least five events at the World Police & Fire Games sometime this week.  Blah!  No time earlier, obviously.  & the games are over tomorrow.  So I will demonstrate my commitment to this project by attending them tomorrow, on my day off. On my day off.

If I look hard enough into the setting sun...

If I look hard enough into the setting sun...

Well, no rest for the wicked.  I’ll see you all on Monday!  Adam’s been traveling, but, barring technical difficulties, you’ll see him too.  On YouTube.





Week 5, Day 1

6 08 2009

I’m so glad that this week God has taken the form of a benevolent personal trainer.  Today felt almost like real life!

Photo credit: Jessica Earnshaw

Photo credit: Jessica Earnshaw

All week I’m supposed to eat healthy, drink only water (& alcohol, thanks!), & have at least one salad a day.

But I also have a list of other directives!

I woke up this morning & 1. weighed myself (bought a scale last night).  A lady doesn’t tell her weight– suffice to say, it’s between 121.7 & 121.9 lbs.  I then spent some time on the phone with last week’s convert, Andrew.  I told him several times that 2. my passion bucket was overflowing. (After this, I confess, I forgot to say it again.  Sorry, Adam!)

Andrew thoughtfully provided some commentary on his experience in the comments section a few posts back. I encourage you all to read & provide feedback!  Faith is a lonely journey, as you’ve seen, & he hasn’t had the brainwashing practise I’ve had.  So in many ways, I think conversion was much harder on him.

After I got off the phone with Andrew, Adam gave me some core exercises over the phone!  Can’t wait for his video, when he’ll show us how to do them properly.

Potato salad doesn't count.

Potato salad doesn't count.

On my way to the shoe store, I got some lunch.  Miso soup, toro sashimi, & a seaweed 3. salad. Ding!  I also drank some green tea.  It was free.  Does that count as water?  If it’s hot water flavored with herbs, does it count?  Tell me, Adam!  I need to know.

I purchased an orange t-shirt for tomorrow’s football game & dropped it off at a printing place.  THIS IS PART OF A PROJECT it says on the front.  & the back has our URL.  Someone suggested that this was cheating.  Not so!  a) I invented the game here, do you think I don’t know my own rules?  b) Ask any lawyer what (s)he thinks about it.

No more claims that I’m “cheating” are allowed!

I then 4. purchased some running shoes (under $80! Down from $130!).  Also some socks.  I’m so girly that I only have one pair.  For everything else I do, stockings or bare feet suffice.

During all this, Twitter was down!  I’ve provided the lost Twitters for your amusement.

  1. 12:39 PM “I choose to believe that unsweetened tea IS water.”
  2. 12:48 PM “Nothing brightens one’s day like instrumental Japanese renditions of ‘Turkey in the Straw’”
  3. 2:19 PM “There is no such thing as cheating!!!! Next person to say so will be first against the wall.”

I met up with my friend, Jess, around 4:00.  She has a gym in her building.  She took some BEFORE pics of me, because I want this week to be like The Biggest Loser.

Photo credit: Jessica Earnshaw

Photo credit: Jessica Earnshaw

Photo credit: Jessica Earnshaw

Photo credit: Jessica Earnshaw

Nothing like posting pictures of yourself in spandex on the internet to take your ego down a notch!  I will say though, that I’m not so wildly disproportionate as I appear.  My arms are not, in fact, longer than my legs.  My feet are actually about twice as large as they appear.  & my thighs are certainly not eleven times thicker than my calves.  Will someone who knows me testify that this is the truth!

Not that I’m denigrating her skill as a photographer.

After doing some 5. core exercises I forgot to warm up!!  Then I 6. ran a mile, or what I presume was a mile, on the treadmill.  It didn’t say if it was miles or kilometers.  But I am thinking that there is no way it could take me ELEVEN MINUTES to run a kilometer.  I think it takes less time to walk one. Anyway, I know that eleven minutes is a long time for a mile.  I did walk for a minute in the middle.  But I haven’t done any running since the sixth grade!  When I failed the presidential fitness test, of course.  Because it took me eleven minutes to run a mile then too.

I went home & 7. took a shower. Good thing Adam told me to do that.  The etiquette of personal hygiene has always been a mystery to me.

That was a joke.

Kailyn, of blind date setting up fame, has found someone to go to the football game with me tomorrow!  I talked to him on the phone today & I’m so excited & glad I don’t have to do this alone!  Kailyn is proving to be an excellent ally, especially if you consider that I’ve only met her twice!

My new t-shirt will be happy to have company.

There's no such thing as cheating.

There's no such thing as cheating.

I’m tired, guys.  & nervous for the coming week.

He thinks we're engaged. He wears his tuxedo every day, just in case.

He thinks we're engaged. He wears his tuxedo every day, just in case.

The Chancellor is not nervous.  He continues to find new & exciting ways to chase his tail.  Lately, he likes to climb onto the arms of the captain’s chair & dangle upside down.  Then he’ll rest for awhile.  Look at his impeccable balance!

This is what I saw whenever I looked up from creating a Facebook invite for Tuesday’s dinner party.

Anyway, my mother’s in town.  Ok, it’s her place that I’m living in & everything, but I wouldn’t let her in because it is too messy.  But she brought me a big box of blueberries, yum.  I ate some in the elevator.

Then we went for Chinese food!  It was delicious.  We got some steamed prawns with garlic, crab & corn soup, minced duck in lettuce wraps, & steamed sea bass & tofu in ginger & green onion sauce.  I also drank some more water flavored with herbs.  The duck had some fried things mixed into it.  I tried to pick them out but one or two small pieces may have found their way in anyway.

This is the best of the bunch.

This is the best of the bunch. We're both blurry & I'm halfway through a blink!

We tried to take some self-pics on my iPhone but they didn’t turn out that well.

We spent a long time gossiping about the project & the commenters (she is clearly an avid reader of this blog!  Apparently, so is her accountant– Hi, Gerry!)  I haven’t seen her since before the project began, so it was fun to rehash everything that’s happened & chat about the participants & the funny comments I receive.

I love that you guys all post with your real names (with the exception of one new follower).  It’s so much easier to attach these personalities to real human beings!

Also, apparently some people switched lives for two months awhile ago & they both went insane.  Do you think I’m going to go insane?  My mother hopes not.  But it would probably make for interesting reading.  I’m sure Ptolemy would have a lot to say about it if so.

All I have left to do today is 8. Attempt to set up a job interview. At first I was going to create a fake resume & a fake name, but that didn’t feel morally right to me.  Though I’m a master of manipulating the truth, I don’t ever lie!  I don’t know if I’m capable.  I puzzled & puzzled till my puzzler was sore (Seuss) & finally I’ve reached the perfect solution.  I’m going to send my real resume to every service job listing on craigslist tonight.  Real name too.

If I get any interviews, despite the fact that I lack FoodSafe & service experience, but can bring a lot of irrelevant skills like a publicity work, experience with children, & an MFA in poetry, I will take it as a sign from God that I need to go & make a statement about “corporate whoredom.”  Somehow, when there are frequently over 100 applicants for a single service job, I doubt I’ll get any bites.

Now all I want to do is curl up in a ball & never see anyone ever again!  I have such an extroverted week ahead of me. Since I don’t know anyone in this city, a lot of fun things like “bowling!” actually require the energetic recruitment of strangers & near strangers.  The majority of people I invited to my party are people I’ve only met once!  But obviously I will soldier on.  I mean, think about bowling alone.

Anyway, you know what else?  Look at the fortune cookies we got. They answer each other.

Mine

Mine

My mother's

My mother's

P.S. My mother, fearing for my life, made a donation towards wrist guards for my Tuesday rollerblading.  She wanted to make a donation for shin guards, knee & elbow pads, & a helmet too.  But I politely declined.  The wrist guards, I think, are a reasonable enough concession.





Week 3, Day 3

26 07 2009

Today was one of the  better days so far!  But is it really past 3:00 in the morning?

I had so many brilliant insights to share but now I’m so sleepy!  And tomorrow is my day off!!  So it’s hard to concentrate.

I did everything that I was supposed to except for the retirement home.  100% NOT my fault, but I am keeping a list of every small failure & I intend to publish & atone at the end of the year.

I’ve also started four small private journals: 1) darkness 2) light 3) body 4) mind.  They will all go into the book, if there is a book, at the end of this– except for darkness.  Darkness, I’ve decided, will be its own book.  I’ll write it carefully, lock it up, & it will be published when I’m dead. Relief!

Anyway, today was pretty great.  I added quarters to a few expired parking meters which was an unexpected mood levitator!  I advise all of you, if you’re having a bad day, to do it.  I didn’t put any in meters for Hummers.  I also skipped over a few expensive cars– BMWs, Audis– as I figured they could pay for a ticket more easily.  But still, it felt really great.

IMG_0167

I was also supposed to leave a book for a stranger at a cafe, note included.  I bought two copies of The Phantom Tollbooth, a book I think everyone should read, & some colored pencils.  (Also bought two Junot Diaz books for later in the week).

Then I sat down in a cafe & started in on coloring.  In each book, I colored the first illustration in Chapter 2– the Chapter in which Milo enters the new world for the first time.  Don’t know what I’m talking about?  Read the effing book. It’s a mini-allegory for this entire project. & life itself, of course.

IMG_0168In the front of Book #1, the book to give away for strangers, I wrote a little rainbow-colored poem:

Read this book

Pass it on

Follow the adventure

At livedby.com!

I thought it would be nice if each stranger, when they were done reading it, passed the book on to someone who might enjoy it.  I left a little space to write your name (wrote my own) & added “Enjoy the adventure!”

Two very nice people next to me accepted the book!  They were both from England, & we talked a lot about my project & other miscellaneous things.  The guy said that when he is done the book, he plans to mail it to his sister as a present.  It’s so exciting to think of this book circulating in the UK!  He promised he’d write me with his thoughts when he was done.

I colored the other book as a small present for my blind date.

Soon after, met up with my date!  I needed to carry groceries for somebody, so he told me to look for the guy with groceries.  I told him to look for the girl dressed like it was the 70s!  I walked right by the man with the grocery bags full of balloons– as I did, he said “Emily?”  & it was Simon, my new best friend.

IMG_0170 I gave him the second (partially colored in) book.

It was amazing!  He had brought balloons for me to carry as groceries.  Already we were off to a good start.  I carried them to his car.

Then, we went for a picnic.  He brought EVERYTHING!  Olives, prosciutto, bread, cheese, blueberries, peaches, salami– more! I can’t even remember all the stuff he brought!  Red wine!  White wine!  We got along so well that when it started raining on our picnic we stayed in the rain.  We stayed out for hours– literally.  Talking about everything under the sun rain.

We stayed out until the fireworks competition (tonight was South Africa).  & the fireworks were great* too.

[ed. note. from *here the prose really begins to fall apart. See: underlined words. I know it was three in the morning, but for god's sake would it kill me to have some class!

I've underlined all the sloppy enthusiastic adjectives to punish myself. ]

Afterwards, I was invited to a birthday party for a friend of his.  I tagged along.  & his friends were really nice too!  They showed me some really funny/good videos on YouTube & talked about my project… We brought the balloons from our “date” as birthday surprises.  There are a lot of funny date & balloon pictures!  Too bad I couldn’t put them up (so cramped!).  Guess you’ll just have to wait for The Book.

Also Dre (whose birthday it was) ironed some shirts, providing me with an excellent photo-op for the project.  Haha!  IMG_0191

It’s so fun to meet all these new people.  Especially when they’re all so WORTH meeting!  I think I’m going to make some good friends in Vancouver through this project.

After spending some time in the apartment, we went out to a nearby bar. That was also a lot of fun.

By now, I’m really tired.  I had all these excellent ideas today, about the impending era of earnestness, Barack Obama (& my new favorite expression “Nothing a beer with the president can’t fix”), about the foolishness of anonymity on the internet & my pride in my very non-anonymous followers — but it’s late.

I’ve been out all night, my day off is tomrrow, & I am EXHAUSTED.  Psychologically, this week has been very interesting for me (talked at length w. puppeteer Sheera on phone regarding week) & while I enjoy it, it does take a lot out of me

I’m getting this post over with.  I need to go to bed & take a day to relax.

But I’ll leave you with two pictures: the balloons! & the sunset.

IMG_0177

IMG_0184

& I would like to thank Sheera for the most fun (& only) date I’ve ever had.





Week 2, Day 2

17 07 2009

Well, I had a breakfast of trout, nearly had a heart attack from two very sugary iced Americanos, did 10 tiny pencil sketches, & wrote a letter to a nun.  I fit two sentences into a phone conversation with a friend who doesn’t keep up with my blog (Ahem!) — “I thought you were going to go to Rhode Island with me” & “Oh it sounds very exciting.”

I still have to post my schedule for tomorrow! (&, in fact, decide on a story) but I just wanted to post this little video update first…





Week 2, Day 1: Part 2

17 07 2009

I did everything I said I would & it wasn’t even that hard.  Went to Granville Island & bought three times as much trout as I needed.  Told them to give me the heads too.  Got a series of funny MacBook photos with Bella & heads of trout.

I did realize that food that would taste great when camping at the side of the river tastes less great when you are serving it at a small dinner party made up of one friend & two strangers.  The dinner of trout (cooked in bacon fat) rolled in corn meal & seasoned only with salt & pepper failed to impress.  So did the “vegetable” side of mushrooms & bacon.  Raspberries & blackberries for dessert were a bigger hit (didn’t get around to making buckwheat cakes).  Cider & whiskey always good.  Whiskey & raspberries… good.  Ginger ale was fine.

Couldn’t find condensed milk anywhere.  I was so looking forward to condensed milk & tea!  For some reason.

Got all my sentences out but it was hard.  While I have often been guilty of dominating the conversation, I have never been the sort to listen with an agenda as other people talk.  It’s an uncomfortable feeling, & I don’t know how so many of you unpleasant people manage it.  I felt a little sleazy trying to steer the conversation towards lonely & morbid topics so I could ask my guests “How lonesome have you ever been?” & implore them not to “talk morbid.”  “He’s a no good son of a bitch” was the hardest to fit in.

I’ve probably spent equal parts of the day thinking of Ptolemy & Hemingway, neither of whom I’ve ever known in person.  It’s like being religious I suppose.  I’ll save all this for my essay at the end of the week (a whopping 200 WORDS?!)

I liked to pretend that I was Nick Adams & Bella Littless.  I staged the trout photos so that it looks like she’s staring at the trout heads, but if you look closely you can see she’s gazing imploringly at my head.  The poor thing.

It's a good thing Littless likes trout...

It's a good thing Littless likes trout...

Here are my plans for tomorrow, based on J.D. Salinger’s “De Daumier-Smith’s Blue Period”

I must say:

  • “I think it’s the sweetest, most complimentary thing I ever heard in my life”
  • “I thought you were going to Rhode Island with me”
  • “Oh it sounds very exciting.”

I must eat:

  • hot dog(s)
  • fish
  • coffee

(Salinger’s certainly no foodie, as I’ve noted before.)

& as for activities, I will

  • write a letter to a nun
  • drink two cups of coffee in a row
  • make 10 or 12 pencil sketches

The coffee will probably be the hardest part as I don’t drink coffee.  Even one cup sends me into crazy jitters!

Drinking is allowed: in fact, “The whole affair seem[s] to call out for my getting drunk.”  (Citation upon request).

Now to lick whiskey off my hand as I read excerpts from Wuthering Heights online!

All day the song “All of Me” has been running through my head, but with Ptolemy replacing the first All of me in the lyrics.  Funny, right?  If I had a camera crew, I’d make a little music video.