I’m almost done being lived by the Baileys! It’s been a long & exciting week.
I’ll tell you right off that you can’t expect any pictures. I lost my iPhone! & I can’t find my camera. So you will have to attempt (difficult, I know) to use your imaginations.
The Chancellor is happy to have me back.
That’s all you’re getting from me. Let it be inspiration enough.
Today was a very long day. It began with me waking up with fewer than five hours of sleep under my mother’s dining room table. I’d 1. Flipped The Coin of Destiny the night previous & I had to leave in the morning. Earliest ferry was 10:30. I left a note to that effect on my dining-room-table-tent. (You can watch the whole architectural process, if you’re so inclined, in the post below). Anyway, I woke up & had fifteen minutes to get ready. A few blueberries, pieces of bacon, & hard-boiled egg later, & I found myself back in the trusty family Volvo, ready to face the future.
I nearly missed having a future at all. Arrived at the ferries with just minutes to spare! Bought ticket, raced in. As I was about to text TD with a snide comment about the supremely Canadian “Female Washroom” sign in the terminal, realized my phone was gone. The horror! Probably in my mother’s car?
Felt my cell like a phantom limb the whole ride back to Vancouver. Though eventually it began to feel like a timeless, underwater state. A little bliss in that, I’ll admit.
I’m supposed to 2. Flip The Coin for all minor decisions. I was lost enough & discovered a way to circumnavigate it. I wouldn’t make any decisions. For the next several hours I followed my impulses without thinking about them, much as I always do. I bought the New Yorker & read it on the ferry. The wrongful execution story prompted a tear or two.
Then I took the (non-express) bus back to the city. Braden had my keys & I had no way of getting in touch with him, but I remained very calm. After an hour or so on the bus (insane man explaining to us that the Japanese kill heroes, but he, on the other hand, was a military captain of Jesus, here to spread the “Don’t worry, be happy” word!), I exited with my suitcase & headed for a nearby coffee bar with wireless access.
Sent some desperate emails. Jess! Call Braden! Sipped tea. Still no decisions. I was kind of like a Vulcan. Or at least a Vulcan as I understand it from watching Trekkies– never seen an episode of Star Trek in my life. I unquestioningly followed my own logic & no hemming & hawing or coin-flipping was necessary. Smart. I eventually got in touch with Braden & headed to his work to get my keys.
We stopped for sushi. I selected commenter Suzanne’s either/or directive. 3. Hot drink or cold? I got tails. I eschewed the free tea in favor of a non-free can of coke.
I eventually made it home around 5:00. Long day at the office.
Meanwhile, tonight’s date AND my back-up date were supremely MIA. I made a deal with Braden & he promised to be my third go-to man if the date ultimately fell through. I waited for Braden to get off work & accomplished some of my directives.
I 4. consulted the I Ching to see which Radio Lab podcast I should listen to. I got Hexagram 42 (Augmenting/Increase) with the alternate 24 (Return). Obviously, I was to listen to “Time.”
I 5. Listened to it.
Perhaps it’s because I think about time a lot, but this was the first Radio Lab which failed to fully impress. I’ve always experienced time differently than others, & I suppose I’ve also researched time a little — maybe this is why none of the information in the program was particularly new or surprising to me. Or maybe I was just busy. Eventually, I listened with half an ear. My favorite quote? “The joy of time is when you lose it completely.”
I admit, I experienced time VERY differently today. I had no phone– & thus no clock. I made very few decisions. & it lasted a pleasant eternity. Things were soon to speed up, however.
Should I email the team at Radio Lab & ask them to participate in my project? 6. Flipped. Yes.
Did. Unfortunately, when/if they come to this site, they’ll be presented with this rather dull & photo-less entry. But that’s part of destiny too, I suppose.
Then I emailed the Bailey sisters. We’re all to go to the casino tomorrow. I 5. flipped The Coin to determine the details. Results?
1. Jeans hoodie and sunglasses
2. Hard bar
3. Go with two others
4. Bike
5. Red lipstick
6. $81 spending money
I emailed them with our destiny.
Magali responded:
Grand. What time? Want to come here first or shall we meet there?
So many people have decisions for me!
- TAILS: we’ll meet here.
- HEADS: they’ll pick the time.
There you have it. Suddenly time began to move very fast! I was prepped for a quiet night with Braden, when I received an email from tonight’s date! A flurry of planning began. Then I left my house almost immediately. Took the skytrain (for the first time) to the movie theatre where most of tonight’s date was to unfold!
In our pre-chat, we realized we have a lot in common. Not only is he from Ann Arbor (what coincidence!), he’s also lived in LA. Then 6. I flipped The Coin to see if I could get popcorn. NO. But then they made it fresh. 7. Now? YES.
As far as my directives go, should I remind you of the details?
- no makeup
- indoor
- (nighttime)
- pants
- hair down
- booze
- smoke
- don’t talk about project
- goldfish
So anyway, we went to watch Inglourious Basterds. I was certainly 8. wearing pants & definitely had 9. no make-up & my hair was almost 100% 10. down. We were 11. indoors, of course, & it was 12. nighttime. I 13. didn’t talk about the project either. We 14. drank some covert whiskey in the theatre. By the time the strudel scene rolled around he turned to me & asked if I wanted to leave. Um, yes?! A man after my own heart! There is nothing I love more than walking out of a movie!
I’d resigned myself to watching the whole thing (eyes closed during violence, of course) as I thought it was part of my destiny. But normally I would not be so patient. I didn’t have to make a decision, however: he wanted to leave too!! We walked out. Giddy with joy.
Then he suggested we drive to a bar. I 15. Flipped the Coin of Destiny & it said he wasn’t a serial killer. Ok. The coin is never wrong.
In the parking garage, his pick-up truck suggested otherwise. Or perhaps I misread the NRA sticker? Or the stained twin mattress, empty coconut shell, length of rope & metal tools in the back. Still, who am I to argue with fate? & if he killed me, well — any publicity is good publicity. I told him that God was watching him & if he was going to murder me, he should do it gently. We got in the car & 16. smoked a cigarette before heading to the bar.
Cigarettes are a filthy habit, but I don’t have any control over my directives.
Then we split a pitcher of beer & my new friend Joe attempted to seduce me. It was an admirable effort, & it certainly would’ve worked on me if I were 17. I told him as much, then gave him helpful pointers for the future. Though he’s already very good & he probably doesn’t need them. Speaking of 17, I attempted to work 17. goldfish into the conversation. I had a particularly good lateral thinking question in mind. But as the topics of conversation would not veer from lesbian experimentation, the kind of sex I had with my ex-boyfriend, & his work in the air conditioning business, we never quite reached the transcendent realm of lateral thinking. I eventually forgot all about it, as I was having too much fun. I’m sorry. I’ve failed you.
His knuckles were all taped up. I asked him if it was from cutting up prostitutes. But much to my relief, it was nothing like that. Just a run-of-the-mill barfight. I was very impressed.
Then, against my better judgment, we went back to his apartment where…
I waited for my cab! He was a true gentleman. You know, on plentyoffish (the dating website I was required to sign up for this week) we were 97% compatible. That’s why I went with him. & despite our vast differences on the surface, I sense a kindred spirit within. I have to say I was very fond of this guy. We’ll stay in touch (we better!) & I’m going to be his wingman (I hope!). I’m a really good wingman. Also he is a DJ & he can introduce me to some electronic music.
Actually I kind of love Joe. He says I think too much but I love him anyway. Do you hear that, Joe? I love you!
Now it’s time for bed. I’m going to sleep for a hundred years. Sorry about the lack of pictures, but my phone will arrive in the mail tomorrow or day after. If I wake up with a long white beard I’ll be sure to document it for posterity.
Give me some more either/or’s! I still have one day left. So excited for casino tomorrow. Though I’ve never been to one & I don’t even know the rules of poker, that just makes it more exciting.
& my wireless is stolen.
In the front of Book #1, the book to give away for strangers, I wrote a little rainbow-colored poem:
I gave him the second (partially colored in) book.
I also got a man on a bike draped in greenery with cool little papers stuck in the spokes of his tires. He put my compliment among them. Solomon freestyled on my right &, to my left, Chris told me about his painting. It was all very pleasant.
Unfortunately, I continued to shake for about an hour as I deplore violent conflict above all else. Solomon kept rehashing the argument until I asked him, nicely, not to. & then things were fine. We parted ways & I went to a friend with some takeout.
The best thing that happened to me today was waking up & seeing Chance sleeping INSIDE A Good Man is Hard to Find. He’s the best little familiar I’ve ever had.
Week 9, Day 5
8 09 2009& thus another long & strange day of being lived by The Bailey Sisters draws to a close! I hardly know where to begin. I could tell you where I end: on a pile of cushions underneath my mother’s dining room table. But how did I get here? Let me turn back the clock & lead you by hand.
I woke up this morning to Jess on the phone. “I’ll be outside at nine!” she told me.
“Yes, of course!” I responded cheerily, reflexively hiding the fact that she’d just woken me up. WHY was she calling me before 7:00am? As I hung up I saw the time on my cell phone. 8:47! So it looks like my alarm didn’t go off after all.
Somehow I made it out the door. Bella was very excited that we were about to go on a long trip but her face when I reached the door & begin to leave without her nearly killed me! I could hear her mournful wails in the elevator. But Jess will have taken her for a walk tonight.
only destiny is awake
Stumbled into the car (I’ll buy Jess breakfast another day) & began the drive to the Horseshoe Bay Ferries. Today I was supposed to travel with 1. the soundtrack provided by the Bailey sisters. The soundtrack turned out to be silence. & the occasional song + static on Jess’ car radio. It’s ok. It lent an air of reality to the whole thing.
Fortunately I made it. Did Jess come with me? No. The Coin of Destiny had determined that I would 2. travel alone. Travel alone I did, bleary-eyed & unbathed as any decent hobo.
Once on the ferry, I 3. flipped the Coin to see if I could have Coke for breakfast. NO. 4. Coke with breakfast? YES! Well, what do you know.
I 3. ate out on the ferry, not sure if I’d have a chance on the island. There’s a photograph of the meal for evidence, but do you really want to see a picture of a tray of egg & toast? The most exciting part is the big paper cup of Coca-Cola. Boy does that stuff make my heart sing.
After a few bites of mystery meat & so forth, I headed to the top deck. Where I pondered things.
i should be wearing a yellow pantsuit
Then I found a seat & (rather sheepishly) 4. consulted the I Ching to see which 5. Radio Lab podcast I should listen to.
sixteen going on seventeen
Well I got Hexagram 16 (Following) with the variable Hexagram 17 (Providing). The answer is clear, right?
“Choice.” That’s what I listened to. It was good & relevant in a way my notes on it aren’t. It lasted just as long as the ferry ride. Then I got off the ferry.
On the way up the gangplank or whatever it’s called I flipped the Coin again.
Eventually I encountered my mother, who greeted me by doing what she soon explained was 6. a goldfish dance. Intriguing. & very strange. That wasn’t my plan for “goldfish” but it seemed to be destiny. I decided to keep her goldfish dance as a back-up.
On the drive over, I faced a barrage of decisions. Did I want to go horseback riding? Which of the following seven restaurants did I want to eat at? & what about Christmas plans? Did I want to drive a few hours for oysters? Sit in the front seat? So many decisions! I politely refused to make any of them, & things calmed down a little. Though accidental attempts to force me into decision-making did recur on occasion throughout the day. If I flipped a coin for each of the options my mother gave me, I’d probably be floating in a hot air balloon somewhere over Mexico right now.
Just how do you think I got where I am today?
We ate out again. At a pub. For lunch.
Eventually, we arrived at my mother’s home. She headed out with her husband to buy a trillion oysters & I, after coordinating some things for the project, (& seeing a friend’s post on facebook about a sick goldfish getting an injection at a fish hospital in India!) took the family station wagon out to 7. Qualicum to see the Free Spirit Spheres.
I traveled alone & in silence. As specified by The Coin. Oh I also had a 8. lighter in my pocket.
I got lost, but only a little. Isn’t it nice out there?
HESITATE
That’s me turning around.
oh, bother
I eventually found the spheres but, as I suspected, no visitors without appointments. My fault? No. 9. wasn’t allowed to make reservations so I wheeled back around. But someday I’d like to go stay in those spheres. They sound interesting.
Disappointed? Remember what they tell you on inspirational posters. It’s about the _______, not the ___________.
& this was a journey full of interesting private revelations.
On the way back I picked up a bottle of wine for dinner & remembered I had to flip for a 10. either/or directive set provided by one of my commenters.
I selected Ben Trafford’s, & ended up with HEADS.
why, kissing is gross?
I have to 11. tell you why I think kissing is gross.
I believe I said something to that effect on Twitter a long time ago?
Anyway, kissing is gross, I don’t just think it is. The human mouth is absolutely filthy, much filthier than a dog’s mouth, & it’s a little strange that people like to put their mouths on each other’s mouths & lick each other’s tongues. Did they always do that? Before dental hygiene? I certainly hope not.
I like to think they call it French kissing because the English didn’t do it at all until recently.
However, just because I think kissing is gross doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it on occasion. You don’t kiss with your brain, you know.
Satisfied? Titillated? I wouldn’t be, but to each his own. Next!
Several hours later, I was back in my mother’s home. On 12. the water.
not pictured: shoes, ships, sealing wax
She’d returned with an absolute bounty of oysters! Five dozen, to be precise. First, her husband put some on the grill.
(Cover your eyes, Ptolemy! I’m about to have a wholesome good time).
So I ate a barbecued one. I hope you don’t get fired for looking at a picture of it:
oh dear.
Then I set to work shucking. I’ve never done it before but I became very good very quickly! I think I may have found my calling. I only cut myself once. I prised open an oyster & told it “HA! Serves you right for being an oyster.” & then it cut my hand. I was very proud of it.
gluttony is its own reward
The oyster, not my hand.
I asked the coin if I should pick one of these three to release into the wild.
tails. sorry guys.
So I ate 36 oysters. A dozen for each Bailey sister. Proud?
& then tucked into a dinner of steak.
I flipped The Coin periodically throughout the day in several minor, uninteresting situations. Eg., on the theme of steak “Should I put Tabasco on?” So you get the point.
After dinner, we explored the obedience of the dog by balancing meat on his paws & cheese on his head.
there's got to be more than this
Then it was time to 13. Go camping.
The video is rather long, but full of voyeuristic delights. & I think you should see the kind of ingenuity that runs in the family.
After my tent was set up, I went for a walk along the ocean.
As for my date tomorrow? I’m flipping now.
As for Vancouver, should I go back in the morning or afternoon? (MORNING. noooooooo.)
Once I’m done with this entry, I’ll go to the water again. I’m supposed to do something involving a 14. poem, I believe. I’ll attempt to write out there. But if that fails, I’ll recite something.
Then? To bed:
q. did you hear about the fire at the circus? a. it was in tents
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