Thus, another long & unproductive day of GEEK WEEK comes to a close. My brain is adequately dulled by hours spent playing online 1. role-playing games, my naturally comely physique is suffering from a diet of sugar, powdered cheese, & food coloring, & I have very few pictures to show for it, since I only left my house for a trip to 7-11 & the comic store. All in all, enormously fulfilling.
Our friend Trafford has suggested that I 2. include a banner of his own design on each of my geek week entries. Oh, all right!
Well, the highlight of my day was obviously reading fairy-tale themed pornography on the floor of ELFSAR, the best & only comic store I’ve ever been to. You can read the whole episode on the post below.
Now the lovely banner is out of the way & we can proceed!
Before I got out of my bed, I lay in awhile longer. I read some comic book pornography with the Chancellor.
The Chancellor is my favorite eunuch.
Sadly, it failed to impress. Sorry, local artist! There were hardly any pictures & I found the text obscene without being particularly titillating. If you enjoy reading exuberantly filthy male fantasy, I’d recommend Nicholson Baker’s The Fermata instead. I finished it a few weeks ago. It’s about a temp who can freeze time & uses his powers to undress women. Vulgar, very fun, & literary to boot. Though I can’t promise you won’t find it offensive.
I read some 3. Sandman last night, though, as per my orders. & I loved it!
ANYWAY.
This morning I was supposed to 4. go to the Vancouver Gaming Guild website to see if I could find someone to play a role-playing game with me tonight. I went, but it didn’t look very busy. Furthermore, I’d decided to take a commenter’s suggestion & do online role playing instead. What can I say? I’m a geek. I suffer from crippling social anxiety & self-diagnosed Asperger’s syndrome.
In the afternoon it was recommended that I 5. research role-playing games. What a kind recommendation! But I was too busy wiling away the hours on Facebook to get around to it.
I made some Kraft Dinner. That’s a geek food, I think. It was not as good as I remember it from my childhood.
I grow more attractive by the day!
Do you see my snake shirt? It’s one of favorites. I bought it for $5 at a store that was going out of business in Ann Arbor. Normally it was at least 12 times more expensive! I bought it because I a) liked the Biblical implications & b) TD is terrified of snakes. But today I thought I should wear it because it is geeky. I’m not sure why it’s geeky but I just have a feeling.
Then I was ready to shirk my errands. In favor of a much more interesting errand that had occurred to me!
What is this errand, you cry? Tell us, Emily! (exploding with love for me)
Well, a lot of people want to send me things. But I’m a lady, & I simply don’t give out my address to strangers on the internet. It’s not because it’s not safe– I have a vicious dog, a formidable security system, & a wholly American love of heavy artillery, plus itchy trigger finger, balcony, large pots, easily-heated oil. But it’s not dignified to give out one’s address.
I was going to get a P.O. Box, but yesterday (while lying on the floor of Elfsar), I was struck with a brilliant idea. Maybe Elfsar could be my post office! Then I’d have an excuse to go back there periodically, despite an almost total lack of interest in comic books. & it’s much more fun than picking up packages from a post office. Then I have other people to delight in my spoils with me! Also, the scenery is better. I ran it by Ethan over email last night & this afternoon headed over. I’m paying them about what I’d pay the post office & they’ll hold my packages for me.
ALSO, I’m going to record every package-receiving excursion. Not in text… certainly not. Nor in photographs — how old fashioned! Video? Well that sounds tedious…
I’ll make little comic strips! I like to be as multimedia as possible these days. So anytime I get a package, you’ll see a little comic about it. Rudimentary, perhaps. But appropriate.
My mailing address is now:
Emily Zinnemann
C/O Elfsar Comics & Toys
1007 Hamilton Street
Vancouver, BC
CANADA V6B 5T4
I love this address as if it were my very own.
Send whatever you want, whenever you want, & I’ll make sure to incorporate it into the project somehow. Of course, you should know you have no control over HOW I’ll incorporate it.
Anyway, I went down to Elfsar (laden with dog food) to see my new best friends. Omar & Ethan! How I love you! A man named Matheus was there too. I bought my package rights for three months plus a Coke.
The guys told me they’d checked the comments & some guy had written a really long one. Let me guess. Ptolemy? Yeah! (They had no trouble with his name, I’ll have you know). They gave me the gist of it, told me it was a one act play, & I was struck with another brilliant idea.
Did they want to act it out? They didn’t seem to want to, exactly, but this was no time to be coy!!
I raced home & fed the dog & got my computer & raced back!
Wow they were good. They only took one take. I kept messing up the end, however.
Results?
I think I speak for all of us when I say 6. QAPLA’! Also, um, 7. maj’
Who knew geeks could be so handsome & talented?
As a sidenote, apparently Ben Trafford came by the store early this morning, seeking Omar for a duel of some sort. Unfortunately for everyone, Omar wasn’t in. Mr. Trafford is apparently a thin man with a pointed goatee! He bought a Coke. That’s all I know.
I left the store & headed to 7-11, where I bought 7. food traditionally associated with gaming [...] Nothing too fancy, and nothing that takes too much time to do. I was still very full from my awful KD, & rather at a loss. But I hit upon it. NERDS! Obviously, those are associated with gaming. I also picked up some Sour Whips (haha — whips) & a slurpee. I think I should get extra geek points for mixing Coca-Cola & cream soda flavors. So there’s my dinner.
Once home, I 8. Watched some Prisoner. A clip on YouTube where the guy shouts he’s Not a number! Very excited for real thing.
Then I 9. Went forth & gamed.
I looked around a little for free online RPG’s but nothing really struck my fancy. Then I hit upon it. I should google RPG’s for girls. I found a lovely website full of girly games.
The first game I played was called “Get a Life.” I found that appropriate. It was similar to my Janet-From-Sales idea. I could do a few exciting things like “Beg for change from Mom” or “Sleep” or “Go to class.” I spent a few minutes playing but I couldn’t figure out how to get my character’s Happiness score up. Though I kept going to the bar to buy drinks, I kept going into negative Happiness points so I got bored & quit. How eerily portentious.
Next I played “Tattoo Artist.” I had to stay in the lines. Next!
“Perfect Wedding Cake” was much more fun. It told me:
Get married is the most sweet and happy thing in one’s life.But a perfect wedding cake is isdispensable part for it.Give you this chance for making a sweet perfect cake to couple of lovers.Best wishes!
I created a beautiful concoction. It had a live butterfly, a ballerina, pink roses, a teddy bear — the works!
Then I played a few more. I made breakfast sandwiches to order, ran a little bakery, & also played “Octomom,” in which I was hired as Octomom’s nanny & I had to feed the babies whatever they wanted or they’d be taken away by social services.
But none of these seemed dangerously addictive.
Finally I hit upon FARM MANIA. I’m might keep playing once I’m done with this post. I have a little farm of my very own. I’ve done so well that I have sheep & lettuce & two varieties of melon, also geese, two buckets, a double-sided hoe — wow, the works.
All I have left to do is 10. email my mother to tell her the gaming geeks didn’t eat me (of course not. All I’ve been doing is scaring off virtual rabbits) & 11. Read Sandman before bed.
If you think this is boring, blame GeekMaster Trafford — not me. As if I have any control over all of this! I’ll spend the rest of this Friday night updating the tags on past entries, like a true Geek.
That’s right. Tag, Virtual Farm, & Email. For tomorrow I Goth.
Thus concludes a truly remarkable (final) day of being lived by The Bailey Sisters! Man it was great.
I hardly know where to begin.
Let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start)
In the morning, I let 1. The Coin of Destiny do the talking. I made lots of decisions. Now, after a long night at the casino, I’m not sure if I remember any of them. But among them:
Should I follow a commenters’ either/or directive today? (NO)
Should I wear the black or grey shoes? (BLACK)
Should I eat at Nuba or somewhere new? (NEW)
Coke or Snapple? (SNAPPLE)
& so forth. I lived “my life” & eventually ended up at home. All unfamiliar food, black shoes, & Snapple.
When I returned home, my phone was waiting for me in the mailbox! Loaded with texts, of course.
Thanks, Mom!
I didn’t need to 2. Consult the I Ching to determine which Radio Lab podcast to listen to today as the I Ching had, by process of elimination, decided that I would listen to “Musical Languange.”
Now there was a magical experience! I listened as if it were going out of style.
Very good. I made a video of me listening, but the 3. Coin of Destinysaid I shouldn’t post it. Sorry, guys.
Well, I was supposed to 4. go to the Casino tonight. Wearing 5. red lipstick and 6. jeans, hoodie, & sunglasses. Managed the lipstick ok. Jeans too. Hoodie as well. As for the sunglasses? That was a little more difficult. But I drew some sunglasses on my wrist & hung a sunglass around my neck. Thus, covered all bases.
I put the awe in awesome.
Eventually, the Bailey sisters (or two of them) arrived at my home. Luck was a latey tonight.
I can build them a bike...
They’ve been feeling disenchanted with me lately. I’m all loopholes & semantics. & there were certainly more semantics ahead! Was there ANY WAY to rectify this? I thought I might be able to do it through song.
Outtakes will be available on the members only site. The outtakes are actually the best part of the project this week! Anyway, I managed to convince them (through song & liberally flowing champagne) that “bike” was open to interpretation. On the way to the casino, I would sing them improvised songs, all about bicycles & cycling. & thus, I’d 7. bike. Good.
I won them over to my cause. We headed over, singing all the while.
We took a cab over, at their insistence, where I serenaded them & the cab driver at length. We made a video but (sigh) I accidentally deleted it.
Nearing the gates
After the cab we found ourselves, very excited, in the casino. We took some amazing pictures too, but the casino owners made us delete them. So we took another picture outside with the bouncer.
Nobody NOSE the trouble I've seen
Yeah, I look like the joker. But it’s the best I can do, under the circumstances.
Then we headed in to play a few games. I was only allowed the 8. hard bar so I drank some whiskey. While my friends enjoyed the (much more moderately priced) beer.
Then I 9. Flipped the Coin of Destiny to determine what games I would play
Blackjack
Slots
Slots
In Blackjack I put 15 down & won 25! Then I played slots, where I put $20 in & won $50. I had a 9. budget of $81 but, after some fudging, I made it. Regardless, I won over $40. Most of it on slots. Lucky me! I talked to the dealers, none of whom gamble on their free time, & they all agreed I was lucky.
So many amazing pictures uploaded that don’t quite fit in with the theme of today’s blog. It’s a pity. Those of you who actually know me will likely see these appear on facebook. Small consolation, I know.
As far as tomorrow, the first day of Week 10, goes? Well, a commenter favorite (Ben Trafford) has stepped in. He’s proven to be a remarkable understudy. You should all aspire to such heights.
As we enter September, we near the close of our vicarious vacation/local eating week. Tomorrow will be the project’s two month mark! That means we are 2/13 through, as far as I can gather. But my math is only at a 5th grade level, so I might be wrong. This calculation required me to close my eyes & count on my fingers, while whispering aloud how many times two goes into fifty-two & so forth.
Today was a long, lazy day– one of the first I’ve had in ages! Allyson’s schedule for the day was remarkably lenient: her only stipulation was that I 1. eat a local diet &, of course, 2. post one reason why people should eat locally at the end of the day. Well, I managed. Will manage!
I stayed in bed for ages. AGES! Till noon! I had a bunch of tedious tasks ahead of me, like paying bills & returning videos, & I didn’t want to do any of them. So I put it off by sleeping an incredible amount. I’ll have you know, none of my chores got done. But I did dream of Allyson, this week’s puppetmaster!
After I arose, I ate a salami sandwich– the first of many throughout the day. Very simple (& local!), my sandwich consisted of 3. venison salami, 4. butter, 5. organic fantain bread. The breakfast of champions indeed! Spent the next several hours tooling around facebook, catching up on blogs & so forth I haven’t read since I began this project, & playing a lot of Word Challenge. I also 6. snacked on blueberries.
Then I ate some leftover spring rolls from my fridge. I’d intended to give away my leftovers, but Allyson, in a comment below, informed me that:
Eating what you already have in the cupboard, particularly condiments is more than acceptable! It is the RIGHT thing to do. [...]When I started my local eating project with my own family…we ate through what existed in our pantry until it was gone…that included a lot of non-local foods, but wasting would have been the greater offense.
So I did the right thing.
Then I went to bed to read The Unbearable Lightness of Being, which is, by the way, much more interesting now that I’m not nineteen, & take a nap before doing my chores. Well, I napped through the chore-doing window. But I feel little remorse, if much dread for the future & my credit score.
After waking, lazed around some more. Ate another salami sandwich (I believe this was my third). This time I added 7. tomato, 8. goat cheese, & 9. romaine lettuce.
The tomato is in hiding, but it was delicious.
Much better than soggy leftover non-local spring roll.
Made an album on facebook & continued to play Word Challenge. Despite my fondest efforts, I have yet to beat my high score of 37,945. (I am ranked as an Anagram Cyborg, the highest possible level. But how I yearn for more points!)
Then I dared to 10. eat a peach.
I am, by nature, lazy & indolent. I enjoyed myself immensely today, as such laziness is a rare privilege these days, but did feel a little guilty that I wasn’t hunting out exciting local food challenges all over the city. Future participants should perhaps be forewarned that, if I have no real orders in a day I will likely stay in my pajamas reading till nightfall. I take direction like a real pro & have never missed a deadline in my life. But without direction & deadlines? I’m a slug-a-bed.
Things would have continued much in this vein (ie. nothing to write home about about which to write home, as you can see) if it weren’t for Olivia who called me to save the day! She & her sisters, Magali & Cat, have great plans for me for Week 9. My presence was requested at Magali’s new apartment, where I would drink some wine & pick up some supplies for the coming week.
Here's a hint.
After dressing myself (around 7:00pm) & receiving a phone call from our friend TD (who saw a whale in Maine), I headed over Magali’s way. I picked up a bottle of 11. local wine, since I didn’t know what they’d be drinking.
Glad I did! Their wine was from Argentina (very good, from the sounds of it). I happily opened my bottle. They also had snacks– some of which I could actually eat! The pita bread, olives, hummus, & celery sticks were verboten. But there were also some local 12. blueberries & 13. carrot sticks. I felt a little annoying when I had to ask Are you SURE these are local? But it was heartening that they knew for sure. “The carrots are definitely local,” said Jamie (?), Magali’s roommate, “I bought them myself!”
Welcome to the love snack.
I normally don’t know where the food I buy comes from. Now, of course, I’m much more conscious of it. So there was something very nice (& humbling) about the idea that other people, people who don’t spend all their time thinking of eating locally, are aware of where the food they eat is produced!
After discussing local diets & the impending Week 9, we settled into a nice long chat about love & marriage & all those sort of things. I may have scarred poor Olivia for life. How I miss the innocence of youth! It’s tough being a world-weary, hardened 25. But you try spending two years in a graduate program at the University of Michigan & see if you still walk out believing in love as they sell it to you.
Magali & ... Jamie? I really liked her, even if I'm not quite sure of her name...
All good things must come to, etc. & I left with Olivia shortly before midnight. We spent some time pondering the tallest building in Vancouver. Walked her to her bus stop, then headed home. Energized by this past week & looking forward to next one.
Once home, I 14. ate a carrot. Tried to get a picture, but my Mac (the old one) was not very co-operative.
Then took Bella for her walk. They’re filming on our street right now, & she’s not too sure about that. Also she’s still mourning the loss of TD.
Now I’m home, writing to you lovely people. There’s a man playing guitar on the balcony across the street. It’s nice when men earnestly strum guitars if they’re not in your living room. He’s much more pleasant to “be around” now that he broke up with his girlfriend. How do I know this? I’m a very unashamed voyeur. If you’re here with me now, you know how it is.
Anyway, I have a reason why you should eat locally. It’s inevitably much healthier. When your food options are severely limited, you delight in finding things that you might otherwise find boring. Not only are processed foods, sodas, etc. off the horizon, but suddenly, potatoes & green beans become exciting! I assume this would be particularly good for people with children. The “hunting & gathering” effect that local eating simulates makes food feel like a reward for careful labor, instead of something you take for granted.
Happy September, everyone. New bios & schedule will be up tomorrow. You’ll also witness me plan & execute a small local foods dinner party!
Well I’m halfway through an episode of Mad Men, but I stopped to write this blog because I care very deeply about each & every one of you.
Today was my first day of 1.eating locally, my fifth day of Week 8, & my fourth day of being lived by Allyson. She’s a masterful architect! Her children are lucky.
As you can see, I 2. posted a list of the foodsI normally eat, before noon very early this morning, along with a frantic plea for understudies for Week 9. It looks as if Week 9 will be taken care of, thank goodness. So now I can focus on the food.
Week 9 also promises to be very challenging & bizarre. So those of you who have been boycotting this week (& the past few, from the looks of the blog stats) because it is pleasant & relaxing will be relieved to see me undergoing a series of radical psychological experiments in the week(s) to come.
The Chancellor is glad to have me to himself
TD left early this morning, so I was grateful for today’s directives: they gave me something to do besides weeping into my pillow & plucking petals one by one from the wilted flowers in my vase. Maybe we’ll see him again sometime. His elbows, anyway.
For now, all that’s left is a filthy kitchen with a sink full of oyster shells & a lot of crumpled Kleenex littering my apartment.
After a somewhat hazy early morning goodbye, I re-rose around 10 & had a breakfast of 3. local blueberries left over from Galiano.
Then, luxuriating in my lack of a rigid schedule, I busied myself doing nothing until around 1:00.
But by then I was getting hungry. I knew if I didn’t feed myself, no one would! I headed to Granville Island in search of some 4. local groceries. I was supposed to 5. find as many foods from my list as possible.
It was lovely going around Granville Island with this mission. I’m developing a real affection for this place. This isn’t the first week that has taken me there, & it won’t be the last. But it’s very interesting to experience it from so many different perspectives. The last working day I was there, I was in a wheelchair! This time, I was keeping my eye out for LOCAL! & BC-GROWN flags. So each visit I seem to have a different guardian angel.
It took some searching, but I got a real bounty of food. From my list:
some kind of fish (trout, as a nod to Ptolemway)
organic, locally-baked bread (a delicious Fantain from Terra Breads)
fruit, especially berries, especially blueberries (peaches, blueberries)
greens (romaine lettuce)
zucchini
cheese (basil goat cheese from Salt Spring Island)
I also got an abundance of non-listed things!
venison salami
rabbit terrine
large jar of salmon roe
green beans
new potatoes
carrots
cucumber
brown mushrooms
Just look at (some of) the spoils!
Beautiful, British Columbia!
There was plenty of locally-made pasta but none of it was organic. I was also surprised to find NO local onions & only one stall with local garlic ($2 per shriveled head)– I didn’t buy any.
After my shopping (it takes longer when you can only buy local things), I sat down by the docks for an impromptu sandwich. Wow it was one of the most satisfying sandwiches ever.
It was only fantain bread, goat cheese, venison salami, & lettuce, but it tasted like absolute heaven. I’m supposed to 6. post one reason why people should eat local foods each night. Well, I’ve come up with many over the day. But here’s the most selfish & unexpected one: eating locally is difficult, but it makes it that much more rewarding. Eating my sandwich, I had a feeling akin to the one you feel when you are eating a fish you have caught yourself or a tomato grown from your own garden. A sense of accomplishment enhances flavor remarkably well! I strongly encourage each of you to try your own local eating day (or week, or month, or year). It’s enormously satisfying.
I took the water taxi back.
Scenic enough for you?
We nearly capsized, because some foolish man decided it would be a good idea to let his girlfriend drive his boat. She careened in front of us & the force of their wake nearly resulted in tragedy– or, at the very least, inconvenience. Crazy woman drivers. I’m very glad my groceries & iPhone, not to mention the gaggle of senior citizens also aboard, did not end up in the filthy water.
On my way back home I picked up a couple bottles of 7. local wine.
Then, I headed off to meet Shannon & Kyla on Kyla’s patio. Where I drank the better part of one of the aforementioned bottles (a white). To my own dismay, I drank it with some delicious local ice cubes. As the wine was unrefrigerated & ice was, in this case, preferable to warmth.
Eventually we went inside.
Are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Kyla was enjoying a raw foods dessert involving a mango & raspberries on a complicated crust. Sadly, I could not partake.
After leaving her place (we are both, after all, working artists), I stopped by the store where I purchased some 8. local tomatoes & butter & what may or may not have been a non-local onion. Grown in Canada, but it didn’t say where. It was the most local onion I’d seen all day & I caved, if only a little, knowing my trout wouldn’t be much without it.
I looked, but did not find local vinegar or olive oil. That’s not too surprising. I’ve decided however, that basic condiments & spices which I already have in my cupboard are acceptable for use. It’s only three days of eating, after all, & I’m already somewhat over budget (thanks to vacation). I think it would be frivolous to purchase new salt, pepper, olive oil, herbs, etc. when I have perfectly good bottles in my pantry. Though I’m sure the search would be interesting. Does this violate the spirit of the week? Tell me, Allyson. I’m under the impression that it doesn’t, but if it does I will eat my food unseasoned. Not sure how pleased Wednesday’s dinner party guests will be, however! Ha.
Went home to cook my dinner. Onion, salt, & pepper were the only non-local ingredients. I had whole trout pan-fried in butter with onions & tomatoes. Deglazed the pan with some of the white wine (I very tackily took the bottle home with me) & enjoyed the whole mess with some Fantain bread.
Taste the rainbow (trout).
The Chancellor nibbled a few scraps before growing bored. When I was done, I laid my plate down for Bella, curious about what parts she would eat. Well, she ate the leftovers, head, bones, fins, & all & left me a very clean plate (shall I just return it to the cupboard?). She seems very happy & has suffered no choking &/or vomiting fits thus far.
So now Day 5 is behind me. Here we come, September!
Well, I’m posting a list of the foods I normally eat, before noon on Monday rather sooner than I expected. But it turns out this week’s participants thought they were running Week 10 & NOT Week 9! They said they’d attempt to rush a schedule by Wednesday, but I’m not relying on it. I turn to you, my trusty readers/understudies, to email me at livedby@gmail.com with alternate schedules on the off-chance that my Week 9 friends do not deliver. Though I certainly hope they will.
If you have an idea for a schedule, SEND IT TO ME! If I don’t use it this week, there is a good chance I will in the future, when other things fall through. Livedby@gmail.com. Please. The project can not fall through so early in the year!
Anyway, these are the foods I normally eat over the course of a week:
fish of some kind (salmon & tuna are classic standbys)
Readers, why is it that the handle of a teaspoon placed in the neck of a bottle of champagne stops the bubbles from going flat? Also, did you know that tuberculosis can be treated with tablespoons of iced champagne? Or, while we’re on the topic of champagne, that the pretty story about Dom Perignon accidentally discovering it & shouting to his fellow monks “Come quickly, I’m drinking stars!” is really just a fairytale invented by an advertising company? I was sad when I found out the latter. But also impressed.
Anyway, I’m not drinking champagne to lift my spirits. I’m drinking a local Brut. It probably won’t cure my tuberculosis, but sparkling 1. wine is a small consolation for the bureaucratic nightmares I’ve suffered today!
Let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start).
I woke up at 8:15. Unfortunately, since I went to bed at 2:20am (catching up on my extracurricular reading), I was required to 2. lie in bed until 10:20 at the earliest. I’m good at sleeping in, but not when I’m forced to. Dozed fitfully on & off until 11:00, then rose. Then spent about half an hour gazing at myself in the mirror, as per usual.
Then I set about preparing my breakfast: 3. oatmeal, cooked the old-fashioned way. As it cooked, I 4. added some blueberries & then (surprise, surprise!) 5. sweetened it with honey. Then a glass of lemon 6. water saw my meal complete.
Food for the birds / strictly from hunger.
Ate it. Mission accomplished.
Then I set about 7. Watching Death of a Cyclist. Fortunately, some wonderful person (not Fernando, of course) has posted the complete film in eight parts on YouTube. It took me awhile to watch the whole thing, what with the stolen wireless & all, but I was absolutely engrossed. It’s a very good film– in marked contrast to yesterday’s mess. I find you can tell if most movies are worth your time within the first two minutes. & I generally walk out if I don’t like the first ten. Anyway, with this one I knew right away it was a very good movie.
It’s a smart psychological drama with a complicated premise & a beautiful leading lady. I don’t want to give anything away, so you better just watch it for yourselves. I was thinking a lot as I was watching the movie that most really good art does not simply reflect reality (something which is hard enough, I might add! art which manages that is totally adequate)– but creates a convincing state of hyper-reality. When it comes to hyper-reality, this movie succeeded admirably. (At this point in the project, I recognize true hyper-reality a mile away. I’m living it, after all.)
There were a few scenes where I felt as if realism was sacrificed for symbolism in rather unfortunate (sometimes unintentionally comical) ways (Darling! Not here! We’re the only two adults in a circus tent full of clowns & children!), & of course the moralistic ending of the film was clearly tacked on by fascists, but even moments of occasional melodrama were not enough to mar this incredible film for me! Everything was tight & perfect, character development superb, & almost every shot was a pleasure to view. I’ll happily discuss the film in more detail in the comments section– only with people who have actually watched it, however. A plot summary would do no justice, & if you have time to hang out reading this blog I’m sure you have an hour & a half to spare sometime for a movie!
Then I was supposed to 8. take a 45 minute walk & also 9. Write about what I just saw, whatever comes to mind, in any format, in a public space.
I multitasked admirably. Disguised as a teenager in a hoodie & braids I made my way contemplatively along the sea wall with my iPod on shuffle. “Fly Me to the Moon” came on first. After the movie, everything seemed hyper-real. The world took on a renewed sense of meaning. Every dog & seagull was in crisper focus. The people too, unfortunately for them. Partway through my walk I sat down to write:
Whatever comes to mind.
Oh, look, I just 11. Posted what I wrote. I was trying to make my writing legible, apparently it’s usually il-”".
Poked a hole with a pen & stuck a dandelion through for good measure.
Left it under a rock
Beside a park bench where it will never be found.
My well-intentioned note will likely molder beside a piece of used chewing gum until the end of days (soon). But what do I care?
On my way back I stopped at the store & bought supplies for my next two meals.
Upon returning home, I began to prepare 12. My lunch! It was 5:00 o’clock, after all. Well, I wasn’t allowed carbs so I decided I’d have some fun with it.
I'd say about 9"x 3"x 1.5" of fun, all told
I broiled an enormous steak. What’s that on top of it, you ask? I slathered it with butter.
It’s the first steak I’ve ever cooked! I’ve always left the meat to the men. But there aren’t any here.
It came out perfectly regardless. I would have made a nice salad or something, but, well– carbs.
Thanks, cow. Sorry vegetarians.
Actually, I tend to like things a little more raw than that. But I’m not complaining.
Bella enjoyed her snack of gristle & drippings greatly. & the Chancellor liked his cm of beef too. I tried to take a picture but– horrors!– iPhone was broken! I quickly 13. Read some Octavio Paz (good, I’m sure, but a little hot-blooded for me at present), 14. Learned something about him (who knows what it was, but thanks, book-jacket) & raced out into the night to try to get my phone fixed. There went my 45 minute walk. In fact, I walked much longer, muscles aching as an effect of last week’s disuse.
I won’t bore you with the details of bureaucratic nightmares alluded to earlier in this post. Suffice to say, Canada is a wholly uncivilized country in which it takes you a week to even make an appointment at the genius bar. Fortunately, I used my wholly American sense of entitlement to get them to explain what was wrong with my phone. Then fixed it myself. Problem solved.
Returned home to a notice from the Idaho courts saying my driver’s license will be suspended in five days if I don’t pay a speeding ticket I received on July 3. For goodness’ sake. I was going three miles over the speed limit. They only caught me because I was the slowest car down the hill! In Canada, the post offices & banks seem to believe they need a two day weekend every week. What an awful country. I’m going to move out as soon as the project is done– but not to Idaho. Of all the states I’ve ever visited (South Dakota included!) I liked Idaho least. But I’ll pay that ticket on Monday, by hook or by crook. I hope Idaho knows I have plans for it when I’m king.
Once home, I opened a bottle of “champagne” & 15. Wrote for an hour. This entry. It actually took me much longer than an hour. I’d intended to write some smart philosophical ramblings in a private book but I simply didn’t have the energy. & I don’t like to post my private thoughts here. They’re all private for a reason.
Now I just have to 16. Have dinner & 17. Stop use of all electronic devices in the hour before 18. bed. So lights out is at 1:20am tonight. As far as dinner goes– well, I picked up some salmon. But after that steak? I think I’ll make a dinner of cucumbers in rice wine vinegar & soy sauce instead. I always knew the Atkins diet was a stupid idea, but now I can really FEEL it!
Nothing some quality time with The Chancellor can't fix!
Now for a glorious two day weekend! During which I may sort out my credit cards & do laundry & panic about the coming week.
See you all on Monday! & I will, of course, continue to tend to the comments section with the love any good gardener feels for his work. So don’t feel too abandoned, flowers.
Well, here we are. Did you miss me? I’ve missed you terribly.
Yesterday was my day off. I spent most of it in bed, gravely ill. In fact, I thought I had tuberculosis, as I was coughing up blood. But today I’m practically back to normal. A little feverish, a few sniffles. But certainly no coughing-of-blood. What a relief.
Today, I was back in a wheelchair, as this week’s schedule requires. I stayed in bed until shortly before noon, milking my illness as much as possible. Then I arose & 1. took a shower. It’s an uncomfortable affair these days, as I must transfer myself out of a wheelchair & onto the edge of the tub, then from the tub’s edge to a little stool. Then I must shower seated upright with only a little shower nozzle for my companion. I soaped up quickly then got out!
I was also supposed to 2. prep dinner from a specified recipe.
You'll have to make do with an awkward self-pic.
The recipe was for a “vegetable bake” from some British healthy foods cookbook. I’ll admit, it was extremely bland. Basically: tomatoes, oregano, zucchini (“courgette”), eggplant (“aubergine”), onions, mozzarella, & a shockingly minimal amount of garlic (three cloves). Prepping took much longer than it would normally, however. So I’m glad the recipe, if uninspiring, was easy. Some of the cleanup I will actually have to leave for Wednesday!
The fruit flies, already having a little party above the empty wine bottles in my sink (some of them [the flies] quite purple by now), will be ecstatic for the next few days.
As I cooked, I 3. Listened to Music for Egon Schiele, by Rachel’s. Not my sort of thing, but it lent the preparations for dinner a somber air that I quite appreciated.
Kyla wants to “control my senses” this week & so far it has certainly worked. Strange perfume! Unfamiliar music! New foods! Not to mention no real use of my legs.
During this time, the girl (excuse me, woman) who was supposed to accompany me for my tasks tomorrow suddenly bailed. Panic! There’s no way I’d be able to accomplish anything alone. Fortunately, I posted a desperate plea on facebook, & I’ve found someone. All it will cost me is $50, lunch, & my dignity. But that’s better than failure by far.
Shall we dance?
I still needed to 4. Take Bella for a walk as I have learned to in a wheelchair. Walking her myself in a wheelchair, I’ve learned, is nearly impossible. Much better to get her estranged father over for a little custody visit. He showed up with Shannon & they took her out for an hour. Meanwhile, I wandered around YouTube, expanding my horizons.
Some of my horizon-expanding entailed watching old Peter Cook & Dudley Moore clips. The original Bedazzled is one of the most highly underrated films of all time. Perhaps it resonates more deeply with me lately because of this project? But I encourage each of you to rent & watch immediately. Am I George or Stanley? I want your thoughts.
Speaking of YouTube, I find it intriguing that “Putting Away Groceries in a Wheelchair” has already reached well over 1,000 views– by far more views than any of my videos has yet enjoyed, including Meg Tilly’s famous Week 1 address. I can’t imagine why this is. Can you? I’d like to hear your thoughts.
Then I 5. Made dinner and 6. Read excerpts from Mee’s A Nearly Normal Life while the food was in the oven. Then I 7. Welcomed guests (Kyla & her fiancee). I also 8. Made conversation.
We ate the bland dinner that I had prepared, then proceeded to more enjoyable things. Like discussions about horror, torture, & suffering around the world.
Kyla & I, making up for the technical failures that prevented her first video from reaching you, also made a nice little film for you all.
At some point, our conversation was supposed to 9. lead to stereotypes and myths of the disabled without seeming contrived. I realized this hadn’t happened & said, quite naturally, “Have you noticed that I haven’t led the conversation to stereotypes of the disabled without seeming contrived?” Well, I’ll count that as a dodgy success. But I’ll put it in my failure book just in case.
Now, all I have left to do is: 10. Lie in bed and contemplate my last few days for at least 10 minutes.
I’ll accomplish that no sweat unless I fall asleep first!
But here’s where I need your help: my participant for Week 7 is very late with his schedule. He has, however, promised to get it in by tomorrow. A new clause allows me to take one day off for each day the schedule is late. So next week I have the chance of having a three day weekend. Somehow, this doesn’t rest easy with me– though I’d welcome the time off, three whole days on my own seems like an awful lot. Still, the psychological demands of this project are enormous, & a day & a half is not always adequate time to prepare.
I thought I’d leave it up to commenter vote. Should I get an extra two days off? Or only one? None? Or should I get my two days off but blog about them as usual? Please leave your response in the comments. YOU, friends, will determine my fate.
I will accept it uncomplainingly, whatever the outcome.
Saturdays seem to be my most “normal feeling” days, so I accomplished basically everything. But I’m also getting sick so that added a twist to things. Keep coughing, feel about to die.
I stayed in bed till nearly noon. I was supposed to 1. read the selected essay excerpt in bed. Unfortunately, though I kept checking my trusty iPhone, I did not have the selected essay excerpt, as Kyla was sowing her wild oats till late last night. I was unable to read the excerpt in bed. However, after finally arising slightly before noon & 2. transferring out of bed, I found the file in my email.
I don’t have all the citation info, but the essay is called “Beauty & the Freak” & is written by Rosemarie Garland Thomson. I’m not able to make much sense of it now, late at night after a long day, but suffice to say it makes the sort of points you’d expect about “freakish” bodies put on display & the history of such displays. In the essay, Garland draws a somewhat predictable parallel between freak shows & beauty pageants.
I read it, & was also supposed to 3. ask someone without an MFA to read & discuss.
The trustworthy Ptolemy Tompkins answered my plea. & we discussed the essay over Skype.
Somehow captured single instance in which he looks benign & I creepy
Afterwards, Shannon & the man arrived & The Man 4. took Bella for her daily constitutional. Then the three of us (Shannon, man, I) 5. Went for lunch at restaurant of their choice. It wasn’t inaccessible so I didn’t make note of it. Though we did pass other inaccessible spots along the way.
We had a nice long chat about how America is the best country in the entire world, & how awful it is to live surrounded by culturally illiterate Canadians. That was my thesis (I jest. I jest-ish.) at least.
Then 6. headed to Shopper’s Drug Mart nearby me. I was supposed to 7. find an article in a magazine that related to disability.
Obviously– & I’m not saying this is a good thing– none of the magazines related directly to disability.
I did search.
So I rolled around, encountering a few obstacles. Noticed, for first time, how most tempting junk food is placed at a child’s eye level! Never noticed this when I was two feet taller.
Also encountered inaccessible barrier.
Observe the frustration!
Did you see my lap? I’d eventually found the perfect magazine. LIFE magazine’s tribute to Marilyn Monroe. Not only is it full of pleasantly voyeuristic photos, it also has plenty of text to keep one occupied. Well, I didn’t note any of this. I just knew it was perfect, posed for a picture, & purchased.
I want to be lived by you, just you.
“I sense a project!” The salesgirl said. Right she was.
I was supposed to 8. Make a convincing connection between the magazine & disability & blog about it. This seemed much easier six or seven hours ago. Fortunately, I wrote notes, “Beauty & the Freak” still fresh in my mind.
Garland notes how, after the 1920s, freak shows began a decline & beauty pageants became much more popular.
I’ll give you my verbatim (sloppy) notes:
society turns away attention previously reserved for freaks & focuses it all on beauties. marilyn monroe first casuality! in tribute magazine, they speculate about abortions & cite her gynecologist. what do we know of stephen hawking’s doctors?
“freaks” now at least are granted dignity & privacy. but when have you heard a parent tell a child not to stare at a beautiful woman? in the case of many, beauty is a debilitating & often terminal illness, disguised as a blessing.
does this coincide with the decline of the nuclear family? everybody becomes everybody else’s property, so we can ruthlessly exploit the commodity of others’ beauty while feeling a sense of guilty responsibility towards weaker members. decline in the boundaries of the body? hmm
I’d originally intended to formulate those, & other thoughts (I assure you, I have many), into a coherent argument, but no hope for that now. Though I feel a little queasy about providing you with my basically arbitrary jottings, at this point it’s preferable to the alternative (attempt at lucid argument). Now you might choose to challenge me, but I have an excuse!
Finally, I went to Kyla’s for 9. Dinner & a movie. I wheeled the whole way by myself! Five blocks (all uphill!) took me about thirty minutes. It was difficult, but making it there was a matter of pride. I was somewhat surprised that NONE of the people who passed me offered help.
After dinner (thanks, Kyla!) we watched my grandfather’s film The Men. Marlon Brando’s first movie. Actually very good. Probably resonated with me more this week than it might have otherwise, as Brando plays paraplegic war vet. For its time, very progressive.
Finally, 10. Wheeled home (with Shannon’s help) to sleep.
Tomorrow is my day off! I’ll spend it doing errands, etc. Happy to answer any questions, realize this post was fairly cursory. See you on the other side.
So I’ve been in a wheelchair for well over 24 hours now. It has been stranger than I expected, but for different reasons.
Physically, it’s been much easier than I anticipated. There are, of course, little inconveniences; say, it takes up to a minute of wrangling to open a door. I discover my soap & moisturizer are out of reach. It’s cold to take a shower seated upright above a bathtub. But I’ve always been at home with physical discomfort, in fact, I kind of enjoy it.
Lucky me, because I’m getting sick. It feels like my lungs are full of honeycomb & wool (the itchy kind). Do you think it’s because of all the germs I get on my hands from wheeling? It is, of course, inevitable that this project will take a physical as well as a psychological toll on me. Eg., a few weeks ago I got lemon juice in my eye & experienced absolutely no sensation.
Anyway, I also thought it would be nearly impossible to navigate the day’s tasks… & it would have been, alone, on the first full day in a chair. But I wasn’t alone for most of it.
After waking up, I transferred out of bed & then, eventually into the tub where I took my 1. shower. It wasn’t the indulgent affair it usually is for me (I’m world-renowned for ridiculously long showers) but it did the trick. Getting dressed in a wheelchair is certainly difficult. But I’m very glad I store all my clean clothing in a heap on the floor. Bella’s estranged father happens to live in Vancouver & he came by with his girlfriend (my friend Shannon) to 2. take the dog for a walk. Bella hasn’t seen him in around three years so it was a little much for her to take in.
I 3. sprayed on some of Shannon’s perfume. I like the smell, but it was supremely uncomfortable. Obviously. I mean, it was just how you would expect wearing someone else’s perfume to feel.
Round & round, all through the town
After the man headed off to the library Shannon & I checked the bus routes. We wheeled over & waited.
You all want to know about people’s reactions. Well, I can tell you: they’re different. They’re different in the way you’d expect them to be different. I presume that what you mean when you want to hear about people’s reactions is that you want to hear about the emotional reaction I have to these different reactions. Honestly, it doesn’t particularly bother or surprise me (though I’m sure it would be different if this was my permanent condition), so I’m less inclined to write about the predictable awkwardness of strangers.
Still, ok: there’s the expected range of reactions. A lot of pitying looks, a conspicuous absence of male interest, a lot of social discomfort (where should I stand? Should I offer to help? Don’t stare!) etc. I kind of enjoy it, at present. I always feel exposed in public, &, perhaps oddly, I like the feeling of invisibility disability gives me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t advocate this kind of lack of awareness on your parts. Generally, I think everyone should be treated as human. However, I feel like an odd & in some ways inhuman person, & I guess at the moment it’s a relief to have a visible marker of it.
Look carefully at that finger on the right. This is the most you'll see of Shannon all year.
Perhaps it’s because for the past several weeks I’ve had to be so extroverted in a way that doesn’t come naturally to me. Now people look at me & don’t see me or don’t want to– good! I don’t want them to either. I was a little giddy with the knowledge that I could behave however I wanted & get away with it. Once on the bus, I kept thinking I could scream “WHY, WHY, WHY!” the whole ride to Granville Island & no one would put me off. I would just get sympathetic, uncomfortable gazes. In my normal life, I experience a lot of reactions from strangers, but sympathy almost never. Only when I fall down the stairs or in the street, which is often. Clumsy!
By the way, if you hadn’t already gathered this, I 4. Took the bus.
I also like how people now treat me as if I’m some sort of gentle saint. I mean, really, I eat it up!!
A man with no teeth came & stared at me & then asked “What happened to you?”
“It’s a long story,” I told him. “A very long story!”
Then we kept wheeling along.
It’s funny to need people. It’s funny to need them so badly that you have to pay them to accompany you! I’ll be doing a lot of that this week. It’s funny to feel like it’s only right to pay someone for spending time with you.
Spent some time under a bridge with crow.
Shannon & I wheeled around Granville Island & through the market, to see what it was like.
Actually, I found it not much different from navigating those crowded passages in an able body. Except, of course, you’re much shorter, slower & everyone stares.
Check out my wheels
We were supposed to 5. Eat lunch at the Indian stall. Neither of us felt like Indian, but it wasn’t my choice to make. I hung around, as several people skipped past me in line, & attempted to see into the display case. I wasn’t quite the right height. Eventually, we managed to order. We got four chicken samosas.
Mr. Cellophane should have been my name
They were adequate. We ate them outside, where Shannon refused to let me take her picture. “Just the back of your head!” I said. But apparently she hates the back of her head.
We went for a second lunch of steak & a bottle of wine. The food was mediocre, the conversation certifiably excellent. The waitresses were, of course, concerned & solicitous. So I felt more comfortable than usual sending back my steak. It was cooked medium & I wanted (…needed!) rare. I’ve always had an uncommon bloodlust. I’d eat all meat raw if I could.
I considered my packaged leftovers my 6. Groceries for dinner. I ate them for dinner, after all. My goodness gracious. I can’t believe I’ve eaten two baked potatoes today. How things change.
Then I picked up 7. Groceries for the week.
Four fine balls of mozzarella.
Missions accomplished, we 8. Took the aquabus home.
What lies beneath?
Do you see the little kid staring? Totally normal. I found I liked being at eye level with children. What I didn’t like, however, was that as children would stare at me with absolutely natural curiosity, their parents would nervously redirect them in such a way that they would realize (often, likely, for the first time) that there was supposed to be something shameful, pitiable, & taboo about physical infirmity.
Upon arriving home, I took a long nap.
Then I headed out to 9. Meet friends at a bar of my choice. I met Krissy & Ray at the bar where I swing-danced with Simon on Wednesday. I thought there would be a nice parallelism in this. But it was too noisy for them, & there was a $12 cover (the bouncer pityingly waived it for me) so we went out to walk the streets. Eventually we ended up elsewhere.
We had 10. a few drinks & talked on a few topics (generally depressing: eg., forced marriage & rape of female virgins before execution in Iran). Then I10. danced in my wheelchair outside the bathroom. Very briefly.
Staying "alive."
Fortunately, the bathrooms were also accessible.
The caption of the year
Now I’m home. Soon to bed. & another long day in the office tomorrow.
All night last night I dreamed normal dreams. But whenever I walked in my dreams, I would remember that I was supposed to be in a wheelchair. Then I would feel a horrible sense of guilt at having failed to follow my orders. Then I would forget again & keep walking. All through the night. Was very relieved in the morning to discover this wasn’t the case.
I’ve realized, over the course of the past few days, that there’s really no way to accurately simulate the experience of a paraplegic. I can feel the muscles in my legs working involuntarily all the time… helping brace me, keep my balance, etc. I have managed not to flinch from cold water or unpleasant sensations, but I know that this is absolutely not the same. Living like this, I can feel how strong my body really is, instead of the reverse. So I am having two parallel experiences, really: I’m at once able-bodied & disabled. There’s this mischievous feeling in my legs, which keep telling me walk! They do play along for the time being. But I know that they’re there if I need them.
It’s only now that I begin to glimpse what it would really be like if they weren’t!
Today was my first day in a wheelchair! I’m currently on hour four.
I took a long time accomplishing the day’s directives. Knowing I had a lot to do, I stayed in bed for a long time, almost till noon. I felt I needed to conserve as much energy as possible.
I did my directives out of order. But that’s just how I roll.
When I eventually got up, I 1. Wandered around making sure things were at a reachable height & made my home more accessible (took my plates out of the cupboards, removed a shelf from my fridge, cleared space in my closet, etc.) ran some errands (bought household staples: dog food & whiskey), then went out in the rain to 2. Get a chair to use in my shower for the week. I don’t have use of my car, so there was only one store option. Thankfully, though I did not find a chair under $100 (?!) they did have a little vanity stool. I have full use of my upper body so I figured that would do.
Then I 3. Took Bella for a half hour walk. Ten minutes of that was her standing resolutely on a patch of sidewalk staring into traffic. Neither of us were really feeling it.
I'm not a trained monkey.
With the “walk” done, I headed to Kyla’s, full of nervous anticipation.
After chatting a bit about the project, gossiping about the commenters, & handing over the week’s texts (Kyla is, by the way, a model participant. Not only has she provided a wheelchair for my use, she has thoughtfully procured the week’s required books, & will provide stickers & postcards for assignments later in the week. Take a page from her book, slackers!)
We also tried– & failed– to upload her video to YouTube. For some reason the file is enormous & we can’t figure out how to compress it. Maybe she’ll make videos on my trusty little MacBook later this week. At present, you’ll have to do with a video from me. Keep reading. It’s a little further down.
From then on it was all business. 4. I got into the wheelchair I will be in until Sunday morning. She showed me how to transfer myself onto a sofa without using my legs. We didn’t know how I’d get into my bed… it’s almost chest height when I’m standing up. Eventually we decided that I would just use my legs as little as possible when climbing into it. But that didn’t seem right!
There was also the problem of the shower. I soon realized, once I experienced the exertion of getting onto a sofa, that there was no way I could navigate over a five inch ledge from a wheelchair onto a rickety little stool without cracking my head into pieces. It took some brainstorming, but we’ve got it!
I have a bathtub with a flat square edge & a detachable shower nozzle. I could put the stool in the bathtub. Then, when I needed to shower, I could transfer from the wheelchair to the tub’s edge & then to the stool. I was happy! It feels good to figure things out.
That’s one of the things I’ve been thinking today– a lot of people are talking about how difficult this week is (like they talk about how difficult every other week is), but what they don’t seem to realize is that with the completion of every task comes an extraordinary sense of accomplishment. Many people spend their lives trying to avoid challenges, when, in fact, facing challenges is one of the most rewarding parts of life. It’s a cliche, but a cliche to live by.
It may be difficult to live one’s life for a year according to arbitrary directives, & it is certainly much more difficult to live with a permanent spinal cord injury, but there is a real pleasure in having problems– the pleasure of figuring them out. I discussed this with Kyla & she concurs. I believe the Mormons, scientologists, athletes, & other exceptional individuals I’ve encountered in the past month & a half would all agree.
Honestly, & perhaps this is premature as I’m only beginning Week 6, I feel that my mood is best during the hardest weeks.
As a sidenote, I’ve noticed the following general pattern in my temperament:
THURSDAY: methodical, meditative
FRIDAY: manic, delirious
SATURDAY: essentially normal
SUNDAY: total hibernation
MONDAY: happy, at home in schedule
TUESDAY: irritable– very
WEDNESDAY: bored & lazy
Weird, right?
Facing things
I still had to 5. go grocery shopping (without leaving the chair, obviously).
I headed to the store, accompanied very generously by Kyla’s caregiver, Petra (pictured beside me).
Wow. Rolling up even a slight incline is extremely difficult. I made it myself most of the way but occasionally Petra had to step in.
Buying food wasn’t the hassle I thought it’d be. I’ve always been an impulse shopper & I just grab whatever’s at eye level. So this works just fine for me so far.
Petra helped carry the basket & groceries up to my apartment. I wouldn’t have been able to do it myself, I realize.
Once in my apartment, we reached another ingenious solution to the bed problem– we took out the boxspring! Or, more accurately, Petra took it out for me. Now, using the transfer technique Kyla taught me, I should be able to transfer myself into bed. Then she helped me move the stool (& my shower products– couldn’t reach those from wheelchair!) to the bathtub. It’s hard not to feel guilty for accepting this help, despite knowing that I can’t really do anything to help myself.
Then Petra left. & I put away the groceries. How did it go, me in a wheelchair & all? Check out the video.
Then I 6. made dinner. Kept things simple with a tuna melt. Good call on my part, though the sandwich was fairly disgusting. Doing things in a wheelchair really does take a lot longer. Especially with a dog underfoot. Very grateful this apartment is so accessible though.
I still have to 7. read excerpts from a book on disability (Eli Clare’s book was out so Kyla provided me with a few alternatives) & 8. Write a 500 word essay for Kyla.
Oh, I’ve also got to 9. Go to sleep & have good dreams. Well, as a child I was a lucid dreamer & I’ve always considered sleep one of my favorite hobbies (until this year, apparently) — but anyway, I’ve lost the knack for stuff like that & can’t guarantee what my dreams will be like tonight.
I am very, very, very, very, very tired. & tomorrow will be a very long day. I’m not sure what the blog will look like this week, but I feel I should remind you (as I often remind myself) that this blog is NOT the project. My life is the project. The blog is merely a medium by which I inform you of how the project is going.
I do love the comments though. It’s nice to know I’m not shovelling everything into a void! It would feel much lonelier, I think, & more meaningless without the eyes of hundreds of strangers on me.
I’m very excited for this week. But Bella is worried. I knew she knew the sound of my footsteps by heart, by the way. But I did not know that she didn’t know my voice! When I wheeled up to the door she started barking, & didn’t stop even when I reassured her. Then she ignored me when I came in, excitedly greeting Petra. When she realized it was me in the chair, she was very embarrassed, leapt into my lap, & started licking my face.
She’s not normally that demonstrative. & now she is sticking much closer to me than usual.
Week 10, Day 2
11 09 2009Thus, another long & unproductive day of GEEK WEEK comes to a close. My brain is adequately dulled by hours spent playing online 1. role-playing games, my naturally comely physique is suffering from a diet of sugar, powdered cheese, & food coloring, & I have very few pictures to show for it, since I only left my house for a trip to 7-11 & the comic store. All in all, enormously fulfilling.
Our friend Trafford has suggested that I 2. include a banner of his own design on each of my geek week entries. Oh, all right!
Well, the highlight of my day was obviously reading fairy-tale themed pornography on the floor of ELFSAR, the best & only comic store I’ve ever been to. You can read the whole episode on the post below.
Now the lovely banner is out of the way & we can proceed!
Before I got out of my bed, I lay in awhile longer. I read some comic book pornography with the Chancellor.
The Chancellor is my favorite eunuch.
Sadly, it failed to impress. Sorry, local artist! There were hardly any pictures & I found the text obscene without being particularly titillating. If you enjoy reading exuberantly filthy male fantasy, I’d recommend Nicholson Baker’s The Fermata instead. I finished it a few weeks ago. It’s about a temp who can freeze time & uses his powers to undress women. Vulgar, very fun, & literary to boot. Though I can’t promise you won’t find it offensive.
I read some 3. Sandman last night, though, as per my orders. & I loved it!
ANYWAY.
This morning I was supposed to 4. go to the Vancouver Gaming Guild website to see if I could find someone to play a role-playing game with me tonight. I went, but it didn’t look very busy. Furthermore, I’d decided to take a commenter’s suggestion & do online role playing instead. What can I say? I’m a geek. I suffer from crippling social anxiety & self-diagnosed Asperger’s syndrome.
In the afternoon it was recommended that I 5. research role-playing games. What a kind recommendation! But I was too busy wiling away the hours on Facebook to get around to it.
I made some Kraft Dinner. That’s a geek food, I think. It was not as good as I remember it from my childhood.
I grow more attractive by the day!
Do you see my snake shirt? It’s one of favorites. I bought it for $5 at a store that was going out of business in Ann Arbor. Normally it was at least 12 times more expensive! I bought it because I a) liked the Biblical implications & b) TD is terrified of snakes. But today I thought I should wear it because it is geeky. I’m not sure why it’s geeky but I just have a feeling.
Then I was ready to shirk my errands. In favor of a much more interesting errand that had occurred to me!
What is this errand, you cry? Tell us, Emily! (exploding with love for me)
Well, a lot of people want to send me things. But I’m a lady, & I simply don’t give out my address to strangers on the internet. It’s not because it’s not safe– I have a vicious dog, a formidable security system, & a wholly American love of heavy artillery, plus itchy trigger finger, balcony, large pots, easily-heated oil. But it’s not dignified to give out one’s address.
I was going to get a P.O. Box, but yesterday (while lying on the floor of Elfsar), I was struck with a brilliant idea. Maybe Elfsar could be my post office! Then I’d have an excuse to go back there periodically, despite an almost total lack of interest in comic books. & it’s much more fun than picking up packages from a post office. Then I have other people to delight in my spoils with me! Also, the scenery is better. I ran it by Ethan over email last night & this afternoon headed over. I’m paying them about what I’d pay the post office & they’ll hold my packages for me.
ALSO, I’m going to record every package-receiving excursion. Not in text… certainly not. Nor in photographs — how old fashioned! Video? Well that sounds tedious…
I’ll make little comic strips! I like to be as multimedia as possible these days. So anytime I get a package, you’ll see a little comic about it. Rudimentary, perhaps. But appropriate.
My mailing address is now:
I love this address as if it were my very own.
Send whatever you want, whenever you want, & I’ll make sure to incorporate it into the project somehow. Of course, you should know you have no control over HOW I’ll incorporate it.
Anyway, I went down to Elfsar (laden with dog food) to see my new best friends. Omar & Ethan! How I love you! A man named Matheus was there too. I bought my package rights for three months plus a Coke.
The guys told me they’d checked the comments & some guy had written a really long one. Let me guess. Ptolemy? Yeah! (They had no trouble with his name, I’ll have you know). They gave me the gist of it, told me it was a one act play, & I was struck with another brilliant idea.
Did they want to act it out? They didn’t seem to want to, exactly, but this was no time to be coy!!
I raced home & fed the dog & got my computer & raced back!
Wow they were good. They only took one take. I kept messing up the end, however.
Results?
I think I speak for all of us when I say 6. QAPLA’! Also, um, 7. maj’
Who knew geeks could be so handsome & talented?
As a sidenote, apparently Ben Trafford came by the store early this morning, seeking Omar for a duel of some sort. Unfortunately for everyone, Omar wasn’t in. Mr. Trafford is apparently a thin man with a pointed goatee! He bought a Coke. That’s all I know.
I left the store & headed to 7-11, where I bought 7. food traditionally associated with gaming [...] Nothing too fancy, and nothing that takes too much time to do. I was still very full from my awful KD, & rather at a loss. But I hit upon it. NERDS! Obviously, those are associated with gaming. I also picked up some Sour Whips (haha — whips) & a slurpee. I think I should get extra geek points for mixing Coca-Cola & cream soda flavors. So there’s my dinner.
Once home, I 8. Watched some Prisoner. A clip on YouTube where the guy shouts he’s Not a number! Very excited for real thing.
Then I 9. Went forth & gamed.
I looked around a little for free online RPG’s but nothing really struck my fancy. Then I hit upon it. I should google RPG’s for girls. I found a lovely website full of girly games.
The first game I played was called “Get a Life.” I found that appropriate. It was similar to my Janet-From-Sales idea. I could do a few exciting things like “Beg for change from Mom” or “Sleep” or “Go to class.” I spent a few minutes playing but I couldn’t figure out how to get my character’s Happiness score up. Though I kept going to the bar to buy drinks, I kept going into negative Happiness points so I got bored & quit. How eerily portentious.
Next I played “Tattoo Artist.” I had to stay in the lines. Next!
“Perfect Wedding Cake” was much more fun. It told me:
I created a beautiful concoction. It had a live butterfly, a ballerina, pink roses, a teddy bear — the works!
Then I played a few more. I made breakfast sandwiches to order, ran a little bakery, & also played “Octomom,” in which I was hired as Octomom’s nanny & I had to feed the babies whatever they wanted or they’d be taken away by social services.
But none of these seemed dangerously addictive.
Finally I hit upon FARM MANIA. I’m might keep playing once I’m done with this post. I have a little farm of my very own. I’ve done so well that I have sheep & lettuce & two varieties of melon, also geese, two buckets, a double-sided hoe — wow, the works.
All I have left to do is 10. email my mother to tell her the gaming geeks didn’t eat me (of course not. All I’ve been doing is scaring off virtual rabbits) & 11. Read Sandman before bed.
If you think this is boring, blame GeekMaster Trafford — not me. As if I have any control over all of this! I’ll spend the rest of this Friday night updating the tags on past entries, like a true Geek.
That’s right. Tag, Virtual Farm, & Email. For tomorrow I Goth.
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