Week 9, Day 2

5 09 2009

What an awfully long day.  I hardly know where to begin!  My feet, yes, are aching from walking all over the city in heels, but physical pain is easy to transcend.  I am, however, psychologically & intellectually exhausted.  I’ve been ON from the moment I woke up. Already I’m… seeing stars?

Where shall we start? Where shall we– star!

Try not to star

Try not to star

I suppose that now is a good time to tell you that today I have a 1. STARRING problem. The Coin of Destiny has decided that each day I’ll let one of my commenters provide me with an either/or directive.  I select my favorite directive set & then 2. flip the Coin to determine which directive I follow.

This time round, facing stiff competition I might add, Magali won!  I was to either 3. have a starring problem or a woopie cushion & the sense of humor of a three year old.  Well, I found the starring problem very fascinating.  I believe she MEANT staring, but that’s not what she said.  I 4. flipped & found myself with a serious starring problem.  Just look at the comments on below entry for proof!

By now, with several comment responses & a few emails behind me, I have my starring problem somewhat under control.  You should see at least one instance of starring in each of the following paragraphs, but I am stifling the urge to pepper everything liberally with asterisks.  Not that it doesn’t take an awful amount of self-control!

Today I woke up, as one does.  I did some serious coin-flipping.  If your future is written in the stars, well, the Coin of Destiny was my direct link to them.

  • Should I return library books & mail things today? (YES)
  • Should I do it before or after coffee & 5. podcast (Tails: AFTER)
  • Should I watch the rest of the movie tonight after blog, or earlier in the day? (Heads: AFTER)
  • Should I stay out of Ptolemy/Allyson clash? (YES)
  • Should I shower now or later? (Tails: LATER)
  • Before or after chores? (Tails: AFTER)
  • Should I get out on the other side of the bed today? (NO)

& thus I got out of bed, starry-eyed at prospect of day ahead.

I 6. Consulted the I Ching to see which Radio Lab podcast I should listen to today. I got Hexagram 49: SKINNING (open surface, interaction, free, responsive, unhindered mouth; joy, radiance, burning, brightness, congregation [as of stars]).  It seemed pretty clear that I should listen to 7. “Emergence.” Glad I did.

Skipped downstairs to pick up coffee (coins in my coin purse bright as stars) then headed back up to podcast myself into oblivion, or its reverse.

Played solitaire as I listened. I’m a true star when it comes to solitaire.  I win at least three games for every two that I lose.  I must conclude that the stars are, in solitaire — as in everything else — on my side.  So appropriate for the theme of the podcast too.  I sat sipping my espresso & clicking away at the seemingly random cards, occasionally sacrificing my score in the timed games to take the notes you’ll see below:

  • “order materializes out of nothing”
  • E.O. Wilson writing name in ants
  • “every time it happens it happens by accident [...] error is architecture”
  • “local unplanned decisions add up into macro-unit that has a personality”
  • you’re looking at an author? vs. empty of purpose. which?
  • emergence = science of “how many stupid things can add up to something smart”
  • jellybean guessing!! — is this why voting makes sense? [apparently, if you get a roomful of people to guess the number of jellybeans in a jar, the averaged number of their guesses is typically unusually close to the actual number-- much closer than any individual guess.  This was discovered by a pioneer of the eugenics movement. Forget which one]
  • “to see the world as a coherent thing is a miracle”
  • is there a conducter?

Few facts are included in my notes, as it’s the facts I remember most easily.   The ideas of others, however, I have to write down.   If you want the facts (&, I assure you, the facts are interesting ones!) I encourage you to download the podcast yourself.  It’s free on iTunes.   Anyway, do you see a pattern materializing in my notes?  Can you read my dreams & anxieties therin? Does the apparently arbitrary pattern seem appropriate?  Is there an order materializing “out of nothing”?  Commenters, consider.  Work for that daily gold star.

Paused here last night. It's been on my screen all day.

Paused here last night. It's been on my screen all day.

It was then time to head out for my chores.  Didn’t exactly want to, but who am I to rail against the stars?

I went to the library to return some books.  I also needed to mail things to Allyson & her friends/family, as required by Week 8.  First, the library.  It was nice to be there.  I’ve been in school for the last 22 years (with only one exception).  Everyone else is heading back to school & I miss the gold stars & pencil cases of my youth.  I put my books on the conveyor belt & felt wraught with indecision.  A flurry of 8. Coin-governed decisions followed:

IMG_1266

  • Should I get another book while here? (YES)
  • Poetry or fiction? (FICTION)
  • Male or female author? (FEMALE)
  • Someone I’ve read before? (YES)
  • American or no? (NO)
  • Margaret Drabble or Iris Murdoch? (MARGARET DRABBLE)
  • Gates of Ivory? (YES)
So there you have it.

So there you have it.

Then I 9. asked the Coin

  • Should I get a drink here? (NO)
  • Big post office or little post office? (BIG)

so I tripped down the sidewalk as if walking on stars.  Signed up for ZipCar on the way.  Then headed towards the post office.  Nothing can stop the swift completion of my appointed rounds!

All of this fate made me thirsty! I 10 asked:

  • NOW can I get a slurpee? (NO)
  • Something else to drink? (NO)
  • Can I get a slurpee when I get to the 7-11? (NO)
  • After I’m inside the 7-11? (NO)
  • Something else? (YES)

Well, finally!  I went to the 7-11 in a sulk, where oh em gee.  The gods knew more than I did.  The slurpee machine was under repair!  Alas for my star-crossed lover (the slurpee).  But it wasn’t too late for me.  I got a coke.

Once home, I 11. Consulted the I Ching very seriously to see where I should go for Monday’s trip. Insert star for some reason.

Quest question 1.

Quest question 1.

This was a long, drawn-out process that required several questions.  I do not want to reveal the hexagrams I got for each question, as they veer a little too close to home.  Suffice to say, it’s not uncomplicated.  & the hexagrams recurred with shocking frequency! Many reappeared more than twice.  But I got my answer, after asking the following:

  • Should I go to Qualicum on Monday?
  • What will it be like if I go Monday, specifically?
  • Is it the best option?
  • What would a different trip look like?
  • Is it foolish to go to Qualicum instead of elsewhere?
  • What good will come of me going?

It may not be the happiest option, but I believe it is the best.  It seems to be in the stars for me at least.  I’ll determine the details of the trip a little later.  All this had me very contemplative.

I took my long awaited shower. (I sang songs about stars).

Then I 12. Let the Coin of Destiny determine the details of tonight’s date. It told me:

  • wear makeup
  • & skirt
  • put my hair up
  • drink booze
  • smoke
  • don’t talk about the project
  • no goldfish

I accomplished everything like the star I am (soon to be).

Met my new friend Brendan for coffee.  Arrived on time (13. nighttime) & observed him from a distance.  Was it him?  I 14. flipped the Coin of Destiny. YES.  Introduced myself.  Told him I couldn’t talk about my you-know-what (I’m a real star with the [lack of] fine print!).

After chatting for awhile, we went for a walk along the sea wall.  & then to Chinatown, where 15. The Coin told me we should go to a bar before going to the market.  Gold star for me & my multi-tasking.

I'm pondering just what you're pondering

I'm pondering just what you're pondering

We went to a bar (16. indoors, of course) where Brendan used to work as a barback. We walked through the very dangerous East Side.  It’s a good thing I’m such a trusting person & that Brendan is a man of an not-to-be-named-but-honest line of work, as I could’ve certainly ended up hacked to pieces in a ditch somewhere.  At the bar, we got in without cover because Brendan is so popular around town.  A VERY LOUD band was playing.  It felt like stars were exploding in my ears.  I could almost see stars circling around my head, as in an old time cartoon.  I have a picture of the bar, but it’s not any good.  We left after one beer.

On the walk back, feet blistering, we went through the market. What fun!  I got some sticky rice (my first meal of the day!) & STAR STICKERS!  Perfect for my starring problem.

Brassieres not included :(

Brassieres not included :(

Then we started the long walk home, my blisters near (not to be too graphic) the breaking point.  Well, mission accomplished?  I flipped 17. The Coin of Destiny to see if the date was over.  It was!  So now I was allowed to talk about the project.  & I did.

Our starry (k)night

Our starry (k)night

We stopped at another bar where I compensated Brendan for the beer he’d bought me on our date by buying one for him.  He saw lots of people he knows.  He’s a real star in this town.

I’m done with/for today now.  All I have left to do is watch the rest of Scenes of a Marriage.  I’d normally go to bed but the coin doesn’t see that in store for me.  In star for me.

Bella & the Chancellor are cuddling in the corner, though Chance occasionally takes off to chase a ladybug hovering around one of the light fixtures.  Did you know that when I lived in Michigan my house was periodically infested by ladybugs?  & do you think Bella & the Chancellor know that they’re stars on the internet?

Speaking of the internet, stats are slipping & I’m not happy about it.  It’s not a top priority of mine (as I obviously have a lot of other things to take up my time), but it does make it easier to get through the day when I know there are thousands (& not paltry hundreds) of people rooting for (or against) me.  Remember, gold stars equal presents when the year comes to a close.  & this week (perhaps this week only!) you commenters get a hand in my fate!  Comment with either/or’s & I’ll incorporate one of my favorites into the following days.

What's in your stars?

What's in (y)our stars?

Thus concludes another day (in the life) lived by the Bailey Sisters, starring Emily Zinnemann.  It’s raining now.  When it comes to a walk, the dog will have to wait.  She seems happy to(o).





Week 8, Day 7

3 09 2009

Last day of being lived by Allyson!  New schedule & bios up.  The following week promises to be very interesting & interestingly open-ended as well.  So those of you who have found the predictability of the past few weeks boring should delight in the (almost) total reliance on chance that is to come.

I also encourage you to comment with your thoughts on above schedule & bios.  I’m not the only one who likes your feedback, here.

Allyson did a pretty good job of living me today.  I was supposed to host a small 1. local foods dinner party!  Well, I lazed around for most of the day, of course, leaving dinner party plans to the very last minute.  In the meantime, I ate some 2. blueberries, 3. bread & butter & 4. rabbit terrine. I read some, facebooked some, dozed some, showered some– basically did everything BUT plan a dinner party.  Eventually (four-ish), I headed out to find some local groceries.  Picked up a package along the way.

Was surprised & pleased to have received a package from Ptolemy!!

Bella remains unfazed.

Bella remains unfazed.

He’d sent me an encyclopedia of serial killers & the Anatomy of Melancholy.  Wow.  This man really knows the way to my heart.

I was thrilled.  Thrilled!

Then I went to the store & purchased some 5. salmon, 6. dill, 7. sour cream, 8. beets, 9. grapes, 10. peaches, 11. goat cheese 12. red & white wine. All local.  Didn’t quite know quite what I’d do with it, but knew it would all come together somehow.

Ate some grapes.  Pondered recipes.

Then (with only two hours before the dinner party!) I began frantically planning a meal.  Here’s what I ended up with.

  1. Salad. Comprised of 13. romaine lettuce, roasted beets, 14. beet greens, goat cheese, & a basic dressing of balsamic vingear, olive oil, & salt & pepper (underlined non-local foods already available in my cupboard).
  2. a whole 14. trout pan-fried in butter with 15. tomatoes, pan deglazed w. white wine
  3. salmon poached with dill, 16. butter & white wine
  4. boiled 17. new potatoes with a dressing of dill, sour cream, & white wine, topped with 18. salmon roe
  5. peaches, poached in white wine, dressed with a 19. blueberry & thyme, honey, & pepper sauce, reduced from the white wine

It was kind of panicky towards the end.  I wasn’t cooking from recipes & Olivia & her friends (Maura & Lexi) arrived a little early!  But somehow I managed to get everything on the table.

Much to my surprise, the meal was quite good.

More exciting than it looks.

More exciting than it looks.

Olivia 20. helped me prepare by bringing an all-local appetizer feast of local salami, crackers & goat cheese!  Also some wine.

Anyway, I was rather outnumbered by FOUR blondes, two of whom (Maura & Lexi) I’d never met.

Maura, Magali, Olivia, Lexi

Maura, Magali, Olivia, Lexi

But they didn’t eat me.  Just my food!

They ate, & found it good.

Bella found solace between Maura's legs.

Bella found solace between Maura's legs.

I was very relieved that the whole mess was edible.  For some reason, everybody wants me to have dinner parties.  But I invite you all to think back on your past experiences in life.  How often do single women who live alone throw dinner parties?  For one thing, it’s hard not to feel strange & desperate when you’re all by yourself inviting people in for a party.  For another, it’s  difficult when you’re lifting things in & out of the oven & no one else is there to entertain your guests.  Food.  For thought.

Anyway, the food was all edible &, in fact, rather good!  Recipes available upon request.

We ate & ate.  Talked & talked.  After the fish & so forth came dessert.

I could eat a peach for hours.

I could eat a peach for hours.

Then we occupied ourselves by spying on my neighbors.  We saw much nudity, money changing hands, tender couple pasta cooking, & possible escort services.  We pondered & pondered.

Must invest in binoculars.

Must invest in binoculars.

Then I forced each of my guests to 21. Write down a comment about the meal, along with a remark on what they knew (positive or negative) about the local foods movement.

Results are in.

  • MAGALI: Delicious! This is the way it should be. Thank you for spoiling us with all this local bounty! Love it when my dinner and my entertainment come from just a stones throw away.
  • LEXI: Emily – Loved the local beets and tasty trout: delicious and props to you the chef of this tasty meal. Completely new to hearing about the 100 mile diet, but a new eye opening experience!
  • MAURA: Local meal was fantastic and easier to find local food than I thought I have never heard of just eating local food but find it reasonable and a little liberating
  • OLIVIA: Emily, your dinner was tasty, coulorful and marvelous! – Who knew all we need is 100 miles!

Sounds like an overwhelming success.  Thanks, Allyson!

What larks we had.

What larks we had.

Soon it was time for everyone to go home.  I took Bella for her walk as my friends (new & old) walked towards their various bus stops & apartments.

Returning home, I was certainly tickled by two names on the empty bottles!

Accusation Ale & Freud's Ego

Accusation Ale & Freud's Ego

Sorry about grainy picture quality, & the at times unremarkable nature of the pics, but I only have an iPhone.  & I was supposed to 22. take & post at least five pictures of the party & my guests.

& what does the future hold for me?  As of tomorrow, I’ll leave that up to my Coin of Destiny.  & the I Ching, of course.





Week 7, Day 6

26 08 2009

Today was my first good day of being lived by Fernando.  I’m not sure what it is.  The company?  The light at the end of the tunnel?  Or the inevitable resignation to the week which comes, each week, by Monday?  Anyway, friends, it was good.  Or good enough.

I woke up early, as usual, but had to 1. stay in bed until 10:40 (up late with Jess [P] I didn’t make it to bed until 2:40 last night).  I find when I’m confined to bed until a particular hour, I experience a much greater sense of impotence than I did when “paralysed” & confined to a wheelchair, as in Week 6.  I tossed & turned, & read some of the Nicholson Baker book I picked up recently.

Then arose.  Did some light housework while Jess was in the shower & then made some tea for her (hot 2. water for me) & chatted before she left for lunch.

Jess, artfully backlit.

Jess, artfully backlit.

As she prepared to leave, I 3. prepared my breakfast of oatmeal.  By now you know the drill.  I 4. added some blueberries as it was cooking & then 5. sweetened the whole mess with honey.  Said my goodbyes to Jess & got on the phone with a future participant (not to give too much away, but it involves a vineyard!).

Meanwhile, Bella finished my mostly uneaten oatmeal.

Mairzy doats & dozy doats

Mairzy doats & dozy doats

Then I waited… & waited… & waited for Braden to arrive so we could 6. watch La jetée/Sans soleil.

Just as I gave up & started the movie(s) he arrived.  We had a grand old time with the films.

They seemed a little dull at first & throughout. I eventually liked the first one very much.  The second one made me awfully sleepy, & there was a particularly horrible moment in which I had to watch a dying giraffe with spurts of blood coming out of the gunshot wounds on either side of its neck.  That woke me up a little.

By the time the second film ended (& it seemed interminably long) I realized that the movie was not boring, exactly.  Rather, it so closely approximated a dream state that it was impossible not to feel very sleepy as it was going on.  I can’t say I exactly enjoyed watching it, but after it was over I felt I was in a heightened state of consciousness.  I’ve never seen a film quite like it before.  Nor a film quite like the other one (composed almost entirely of still snapshots & a voiceover).  Each worked within an entirely unfamiliar genre & I was certainly improved by watching them.  It’s hard to explain, though I’m sure I could do it if I wasn’t so tired right now.  If you’re curious, I recommend that you watch them for yourselves.

Bella & Braden fell into deep post-Sans Soleil slumber.

Bella & Braden fell into deep post-Sans soleil slumber.

I 7. Read the booklet that came with the DVD.  I liked it much better than the other one.  There was a short interview with Chris Marker (the director) & I appreciated his refreshing snarkiness.

Woke up Braden, & began my long 8. walk to the 7-11.  Then we sat in a park, where I was to 9. Write whatever came to mind. Prompted by Sans soleil, I decided to write a list of the first 10 things I saw which “quickened the heart.” I would have liked to take corresponding photographs, as it seemed only right, but I’d left my phone at home, sadly.  Here’s the list.

  1. glint of bearded man’s septum piercing
  2. pigeon coasting on an updraft
  3. brown water moving over green tile inset in stone moat of fountain
  4. tree with a knot in it, small manageable size
  5. congregation of pigeons bathing on ledge of fountain
  6. skull patch on arm of sweatshirt belonging to 1. as he leaves park
  7. my shoelaces are still too long (I always appreciate this extravagance on part of designer)
  8. shadows of pigeons on blue, sky-colored wall
  9. long ears of Wiemaraner disappearing behind wall of red flowers, smoke coming out of owner’s nostrils
  10. airplane noise? passing train? buses.  like movement of wind over mouth of cave/breath over neck of a bottle

So there, I’ve 10. posted what I wrote.

Then I went home, where I prepared my 11. no-carb lunch.  It’s an exciting new take on cucumber sandwiches.  I cut open a cucumber & scraped the seeds out, then put a can of tuna in the middle.  With some seasoning & mayonnaise for good measure, of course.

Curiouser. & curiouser.

Curiouser. & curiouser.

I ate this bizarre concoction.  I 12. took my time, enjoyed it.

Then, after some more Nicholson Baker, I read a random page from 13. Luis Cernuda’s Written in Water. The poem was “Time.”  The final paragraph of the poem reads:

There, in the absolute silence of summer, underscored by the murmuring water, my eyes open to the clear half-darkness that heightens the mysterious life of things, I saw how time can hold still, suspended in air, like the cloud that conceals a god, pure and weightless, never passing.

Quite appropriate.  It encapsulated the strange sensory experience I’d been having since the movies ended very nicely. Right down to the murmuring water.

I went about my chores.

Then I finished my (somewhat pornographic) Nicholson Baker book on the couch.  As soon as I was done, I had a call from TD.  He was outside!  He’d finally arrived!  I took out the garbage & then joyfully went to greet him.

After I got dressed in normal clothing, we went for a 14. walk.  Where did we walk?  To 15. dinner.  It was delicious, if carb-less.  He consumed the entire contents of the breadbasket.  Good.  It was otherwise too tempting to me.  We got some oysters & he had some chowder & I had some steamed clams.  I would’ve taken a picture but I’d forgotten my phone again.

Upon returning home, TD took the dog for her nightly constitutional & I sat down to 16. write for an hour.  Here you see the result of that writing.

Tomorrow we have a very busy day.  Not only do I have to accomplish all of my directives for Day 7, I also have to run some errands, rent a car, & ferry over to Galiano Island, where a family friend has graciously agreed to lend me a house for the first few days of Week 8.  Quite excited.  Next week we will witness a new strain of vicarious living, perhaps more true to the intentions of the project.  It’s being choreographed by a certifiable stranger (only the second true stranger we’ve seen).

All I have left to do is 17. abstain from use of electronic devices in the hour before bed & 18. go to bed at 2:20am.  I’m at this point so well-versed in Week 7 that I have the whole schedule down by memory.  Staying up late will be hard to do– I have almost three empty hours looming before me, along with a house guest who will certainly be asleep well before 2:20am.

I suppose I will occupy myself by responding to comments, handing out a gold star, & maybe picking up another book to read before turning in.

Oh, the fun of it.





Week 7, Day 5

25 08 2009

My mood has gotten progressively fouler as this week has gone on.  Glad I had two days off this week! I’ve been wondering what’s wrong with me.  But finally—an explanation:  Jess is working on a documentary about the Atkins Diet—according to her research, a very bad mood is a well-documented side effect of a low-carb diet.  This is corroborated by anecdotal evidence from my peers.  I’d be relieved to hear this, if I was capable of feeling any relief!  But I do feel a vindicated sense of bitterness, which is a close low-carb substitute.  Also, this weekend my evil mood prompted the first poem I’ve written since January.  So there’s a silver lining to every etc.

After six hours of sleep (& a very curious nightmare, more on this later) I stayed in bed sulking for 1. Two more.  Dragged my heels around the house (as Bella & Chance napped in the sunshine).

We're much cuter in person

We're much cuter in person

Then, shortly after noon, I proceeded to the bank, where I drafted some money to my US account so I could sort out my credit card woes & pay my Idaho speeding ticket.  If my check doesn’t arrive by Wednesday, my driver’s license will be suspended!  (I, of course, only got this information after 6:00 on Friday).  The man beside me asked for $100 in fives & $100 dollars in quarters, while the teller spent most of his time looking down my shirt.

Too cold (L), Too hot (R)

Too cold (L), Too hot (R)

Home again, home again.  I discovered I have now mastered the exciting art of cooking oatmeal.  I didn’t realize I was doing it wrong before.  But the trick is in the stirring.  I felt like Goldilocks.  I also felt like I was married to Fernando.  This project is a lot like being married, if you think about it, but to 52 people consecutively.

I 2. Added blueberries towards the end then 3. Sweetened with honey.  Added a lump of butter for good measure.  This was the first time my oatmeal managed to approximate goodness.  I 4. Put on Cría Cuervos (my mother purchased it & three other required DVDs for me this weekend, much to my vindicatedsenseofbitterness) & savored my only carbohydrates of the day.

IMG_0967

The movie was ok.  It’s a seventies Spanish film with an unhappy, recently orphaned 8-year-old girl as its protagonist.  It’s one of those movies that makes a big point about the innocence & happiness of childhood being a myth.  There’s not a lot of conversation and it’s all uncomfortably intimate but slightly unreal—not surreal, despite the frequent appearance of the ghosts of her parents. Whenever there is dialogue, it’s generally people being nasty to/not understanding each other.  Lots of long shots of children’s blank faces.  Lots of political points using the family as an allegory.  So forth. It’s the sort of movie that’s successful in the sense that it seems to accomplish absolutely everything it set out to do—& nothing more.   So for me, it fell flat.

Once the movie was over, I 5. Read the informational booklet that came with the DVD.  It was exactly like the movie.  It told me a lot of things that I had deduced for myself, including some interesting facts that I didn’t know.  But it didn’t teach me anything.  There’s information & then there’s knowledge.  Knowledge is a harder gift to give, a little more nebulous.  This movie had an (telling) artful touch but not a (teaching) magic one.  Does that make sense?  The film’s worth watching but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.  Except perhaps to someone with related academic interest in the film’s central themes.

Then I got up for my 9. Walk.  To the post office.  I was supposed to 10. Write (just letting in happen) in a public space.  I’m very creative.  I wrote my address & the address of the Idaho court.  Then I 11. Posted what I just wrote.  HA!  I also wrote a text message or two.

Stopped to pick up a lunch of grilled chicken breast & hot sauce.  Blah.

Unjust, not right

Unjust, not right

12. Ate it.  Took my time.  Enjoyed it as much as possible.

Then I 13. Read a poem by Octavio Paz & headed back to bed for a long while.

My friend, Jess (P) arrived at my house around 8:00.  She’s in town & she’s staying with me tonight.  We went out for 14. Dinner & a glass of 15. Wine. Jess (E) & her sister joined us.  I had carpaccio, but forgot to take a picture until it was mostly devoured.  Jess (P) got the bread that came with it.  Sadly.

Unsightly scraps of raw beef = (recently) living proof

Unsightly scraps of raw beef = (recently) living proof

After that, we all went for a long 15. Walk with Bella by the sea wall.  It’s a nice time of year.  The weather’s very back-to-school.  I took Bella off leash for a while & she ran around in the ocean.  Then we returned here & I 16. Am writing for an hour, while Jess (P) reads Eat, Pray, Love (much to her own chagrin) in the living room, eating the delicious blueberries I’m not allowed.

I still have fifteen more minutes of writing, so I’m going to tell you my dream.  Altered dreams are, by the way, an interesting side effect of this project.  I dream every night, for example, that each of you post several detailed comments (inevitably, very interesting ones) on the blog.  & often my puppetmasters appear in my dreams.  During Ptolemy’s week, we had all sorts of adventures every night.  Sometimes, I dream that I’ve received a schedule that makes all sorts of interesting demands.  I’m always a little disappointed by reality when I wake.

Last night, I dreamed I was on a boat tour in a jungle with an anonymous female friend & her family.  So far, it was a good dream.  Though everyone mocked me because I didn’t know how to “telescope shadows” with a camera.  “Why does everyone always make fun of me?” I complained, burying my head in my lifejacket.  My companions laughed.

When I arrived home to my apartment, I sat down to write.  Then I realized that the feeble mutant creature  (looking something like a child, something like an old man, & something like ET if each of those things were pale & blue-tinged, two feet tall, shaped out of putty, with a tiny head & very long arms) which would sometimes cause mischief around my apartment, was back, fiddling with the electrical sockets.  I was very angry.  I had locked him out previously.  “No!” I said, & he ignored me, fixedly yanking my computer cord out of the wall until it finally broke.  I grabbed him by his arm, probably a little harder than I needed to, & began to drag him to the door.  He resisted me, but he was feeble as always.  Though his arm was curiously stretching in my grip.

As I dragged him through my apartment, I noticed that the edges of doors & windows, cupboards, etc. were gnawed, bent & a little bloody.  He had somehow snuck in through all these tiny spaces, very deliberately.  I didn’t know he was this smart.  When we got to the door he suddenly became much stronger.  His arm started coiling tightly around my wrist with a firm, snake-like pressure.   He looked up into my face with his black eyes & I realized he was actually very smart—or perhaps not smart, but possessing a predatory, shark-like intelligence— & very dangerous.  I shoved him out the door & locked it.

He turned into a slug & started creeping through above one of the hinges.  I locked him out several times & he managed to get in every time, shifting into increasingly sinister, vague shapes.  I realized, with horror, there was no getting rid of him.  He began to grow & grow.

I then realized that he was the external physical embodiment of my own malevolence.  Malevolence is a strange sort of word to choose, & it sounds perhaps inaccurate, but I didn’t choose this word– in my dream it was, very precisely, malevolence.  Anyway, I’d believed I was a wholly good person, free of evil etc. & I was!  In my dream, at least.  But by eliminating  this evil from my own self I had not eliminated it entirely, but displaced it—I had unconsciously created this creature, much worse than ordinary human evil as it was wholly autonomous & quite out of my control.  So my horror was now tinged with a very unheimlich sense of recognition.  If this creature were not destroyed, it would rapidly gain strength & destroy the entire world.

I knew the only way to destroy this creature was for someone to eat him.  “Should I eat him?” my anonymous friend asked.  No.  She couldn’t.  If anyone but me ate him, he would continue to grow & destroy her & everyone else.  I guessed that I had to do it.

I squeezed him into a ball & felt, with horror, that while he had previously been boneless there were now sharp, calcified pieces of something inside him.  I grimly broke him into two pieces.  I needed some bread to swallow him, as I wouldn’t be able to chew with these pieces inside him.

I rolled him into two pieces of bread as my friend watched me anxiously.  I ate him.

“What does he taste like?” she asked.

“What do you think?” I said.  “A tooth, & a shard of bone.”

Upon which I woke up, quite unsettled.

Now all I have left to do is 17. Go to bed at 2:20am & 18. Stay in bed for 8 hours. I also 19. Can’t use electronic devices after 1:20.

A few nights ago I tried so hard to stay up until after two that I woke up at 4:00am on the floor of my closet.  I don’t know if that counts as a failure or not.  But I must have been awfully tired if I decided to “rest my eyes” there for a moment.

Also, I’ve been sleepwalking again.  & I’ve hid my keys so well that no one will ever find them.  Fortunately, my mom had a spare.





Week 6, Day 5

18 08 2009

Well, here we are.  Did you miss me? I’ve missed you terribly.

Yesterday was my day off.  I spent most of it in bed, gravely ill.  In fact, I thought I had tuberculosis, as I was coughing up blood.  But today I’m practically back to normal.  A little feverish, a few sniffles.  But certainly no coughing-of-blood.  What a relief.

Today, I was back in a wheelchair, as this week’s schedule requires.  I stayed in bed until shortly before noon, milking my illness as much as possible.  Then I arose & 1. took a shower.  It’s an uncomfortable affair these days, as I must transfer myself out of a wheelchair & onto the edge of the tub, then from the tub’s edge to a little stool.  Then I must shower seated upright with only a little shower nozzle for my companion.  I soaped up quickly then got out!

I was also supposed to 2. prep dinner from a specified recipe.

You'll have to make do with an awkward self-pic.

You'll have to make do with an awkward self-pic.

The recipe was for a “vegetable bake” from some British healthy foods cookbook.  I’ll admit, it was extremely bland.  Basically: tomatoes, oregano, zucchini (“courgette”), eggplant (“aubergine”), onions, mozzarella, & a shockingly minimal amount of garlic (three cloves).  Prepping took much longer than it would normally, however.  So I’m glad the recipe, if uninspiring, was easy. Some of the cleanup I will actually have to leave for Wednesday!

The fruit flies, already having a little party above the empty wine bottles in my sink (some of them [the flies] quite purple by now), will be ecstatic for the next few days.

As I cooked, I 3. Listened to Music for Egon Schiele, by Rachel’s. Not my sort of thing, but it lent the preparations for dinner a somber air that I quite appreciated.

Kyla wants to “control my senses” this week & so far it has certainly worked. Strange perfume!  Unfamiliar music!  New foods!  Not to mention no real use of my legs.

During this time, the girl (excuse me, woman) who was supposed to accompany me for my tasks tomorrow suddenly bailed.  Panic!  There’s no way I’d be able to accomplish anything alone.  Fortunately, I posted a desperate plea on facebook, & I’ve found someone.  All it will cost me is $50, lunch, & my dignity.  But that’s better than failure by far.

Shall we dance?

Shall we dance?

I still needed to 4. Take Bella for a walk as I have learned to in a wheelchair. Walking her myself in a wheelchair, I’ve learned, is nearly impossible.  Much better to get her estranged father over for a little custody visit.  He showed up with Shannon & they took her out for an hour.  Meanwhile, I wandered around YouTube, expanding my horizons.

Some of my horizon-expanding entailed watching old Peter Cook & Dudley Moore clips.  The original Bedazzled is one of the most highly underrated films of all time.  Perhaps it resonates more deeply with me lately because of this project?  But I encourage each of you to rent & watch immediately.  Am I George or Stanley?  I want your thoughts.

Speaking of YouTube, I find it intriguing that “Putting Away Groceries in a Wheelchair” has already reached well over 1,000 views– by far more views than any of my videos has yet enjoyed, including Meg Tilly’s famous Week 1 address.  I can’t imagine why this is. Can you?  I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Then I 5. Made dinner and 6. Read excerpts from Mee’s A Nearly Normal Life while the food was in the oven.  Then I 7. Welcomed guests (Kyla & her fiancee).  I also 8. Made conversation.

We ate the bland dinner that I had prepared, then proceeded to more enjoyable things.  Like discussions about horror, torture, & suffering around the world.

Kyla & I, making up for the technical failures that prevented her first video from reaching you, also made a nice little film for you all.

At some point, our conversation was supposed to 9. lead to stereotypes and myths of the disabled without seeming contrived. I realized this hadn’t happened & said, quite naturally, “Have you noticed that I haven’t led the conversation to stereotypes of the disabled without seeming contrived?”  Well, I’ll count that as a dodgy success.  But I’ll put it in my failure book just in case.

Now, all I have left to do is: 10. Lie in bed and contemplate my last few days for at least 10 minutes.

I’ll accomplish that no sweat unless I fall asleep first!

But here’s where I need your help: my participant for Week 7 is very late with his schedule.  He has, however, promised to get it in by tomorrow.  A new clause allows me to take one day off for each day the schedule is late.  So next week I have the chance of having a three day weekend.  Somehow, this doesn’t rest easy with me– though I’d welcome the time off, three whole days on my own seems like an awful lot. Still, the psychological demands of this project are enormous, & a day & a half is not always adequate time to prepare.

I thought I’d leave it up to commenter vote.  Should I get an extra two days off?  Or only one?  None?  Or should I get my two days off but blog about them as usual?  Please leave your response in the comments.  YOU, friends, will determine my fate.

I will accept it uncomplainingly, whatever the outcome.

Now, onward!





Week 6, Day 2

15 08 2009

So I’ve been in a wheelchair for well over 24 hours now.  It has been stranger than I expected, but for different reasons.

Physically, it’s been much easier than I anticipated.  There are, of course, little inconveniences; say, it takes up to a minute of wrangling to open a door.  I discover my soap & moisturizer are out of reach. It’s cold to take a shower seated upright above a bathtub.  But I’ve always been at home with physical discomfort, in fact, I kind of enjoy it.

Lucky me, because I’m getting sick.  It feels like my lungs are full of honeycomb & wool (the itchy kind).  Do you think it’s because of all the germs I get on my hands from wheeling?  It is, of course, inevitable that this project will take a physical as well as a psychological toll on me.  Eg., a few weeks ago I got lemon juice in my eye & experienced absolutely no sensation.

Anyway, I also thought it would be nearly impossible to navigate the day’s tasks… & it would have been, alone, on the first full day in a chair.  But I wasn’t alone for most of it.

After waking up, I transferred out of bed & then, eventually into the tub where I took my 1. shower.  It wasn’t the indulgent affair it usually is for me (I’m world-renowned for ridiculously long showers) but it did the trick.  Getting dressed in a wheelchair is certainly difficult.  But I’m very glad I store all my clean clothing in a heap on the floor.   Bella’s estranged father happens to live in Vancouver & he came by with his girlfriend (my friend Shannon) to 2. take the dog for a walk. Bella hasn’t seen him in around three years so it was a little much for her to take in.

I 3. sprayed on some of Shannon’s perfume. I like the smell, but it was supremely uncomfortable.  Obviously.  I mean, it was just how you would expect wearing someone else’s perfume to feel.  

Round & round, all through the town

Round & round, all through the town

After the man headed off to the library Shannon & I checked the bus routes.  We wheeled over & waited.

You all want to know about people’s reactions.  Well, I can tell you: they’re different.  They’re different in the way you’d expect them to be different.  I presume that what you mean when you want to hear about people’s reactions is that you want to hear about the emotional reaction I have to these different reactions.  Honestly, it doesn’t particularly bother or surprise me (though I’m sure it would be different if this was my permanent condition), so I’m less inclined to write about the predictable awkwardness of strangers.

Still, ok: there’s the expected range of reactions.  A lot of pitying looks, a conspicuous absence of male interest, a lot of social discomfort (where should I stand? Should I offer to help? Don’t stare!) etc.  I kind of enjoy it, at present.  I always feel exposed in public, &, perhaps oddly, I like the feeling of invisibility disability gives me.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t advocate this kind of lack of awareness on your parts.  Generally, I think everyone should be treated as human.  However, I feel like an odd & in some ways inhuman person, & I guess at the moment it’s a relief to have a visible marker of it.

Look carefully at that finger on the right.  This is the most you'll see of Shannon all year.

Look carefully at that finger on the right. This is the most you'll see of Shannon all year.

Perhaps it’s because for the past several weeks I’ve had to be so extroverted in a way that doesn’t come naturally to me.  Now people look at me & don’t see me or don’t want to– good! I don’t want them to either.  I was a little giddy with the knowledge that I could behave however I wanted & get away with it.  Once on the bus, I kept thinking I could scream “WHY, WHY, WHY!” the whole ride to Granville Island & no one would put me off.  I would just get sympathetic, uncomfortable gazes.  In my normal life, I experience a lot of reactions from strangers, but sympathy almost never.  Only when I fall down the stairs or in the street, which is often.  Clumsy!

By the way, if you hadn’t already gathered this, I 4. Took the bus.

I also like how people now treat me as if I’m some sort of gentle saint.  I mean, really, I eat it up!!

A man with no teeth came & stared at me & then asked “What happened to you?”

“It’s a long story,” I told him.  “A very long story!”

Then we kept wheeling along.

It’s funny to need people.  It’s funny to need them so badly that you have to pay them to accompany you!  I’ll be doing a lot of that this week.  It’s funny to feel like it’s only right to pay someone for spending time with you.

Spent some time under a bridge with crow.

Spent some time under a bridge with crow.

Shannon & I wheeled around Granville Island & through the market, to see what it was like.

Actually, I found it not much different from navigating those crowded passages in an able body.  Except, of course, you’re much shorter, slower & everyone stares.

Check out my wheels

Check out my wheels

We were supposed to 5. Eat lunch at the Indian stall. Neither of us felt like Indian, but it wasn’t my choice to make.  I hung around, as several people skipped past me in line, & attempted to see into the display case.  I wasn’t quite the right height.  Eventually, we managed to order.  We got four chicken samosas.

Mr. Cellophane should have been my name

Mr. Cellophane should have been my name

They were adequate.  We ate them outside, where Shannon refused to let me take her picture.  “Just the back of your head!” I said.  But apparently she hates the back of her head.

We went for a second lunch of steak & a bottle of wine.  The food was mediocre, the conversation certifiably excellent.  The waitresses were, of course, concerned & solicitous.  So I felt more comfortable than usual sending back my steak.  It was cooked medium & I wanted (…needed!) rare.  I’ve always had an uncommon bloodlust.  I’d eat all meat raw if I could.

I considered my packaged leftovers my 6. Groceries for dinner.  I ate them for dinner, after all.  My goodness gracious.  I can’t believe I’ve eaten two baked potatoes today. How things change.

Then I picked up 7. Groceries for the week.

Four fine balls of mozzarella.

Four fine balls of mozzarella.

Missions accomplished, we 8. Took the aquabus home.

What lies beneath?

What lies beneath?

Do you see the little kid staring?  Totally normal.  I found I liked being at eye level with children.  What I didn’t like, however, was that as children would stare at me with absolutely natural curiosity, their parents would nervously redirect them in such a way that they would realize (often, likely, for the first time) that there was supposed to be something shameful, pitiable, & taboo about physical infirmity.

Upon arriving home, I took a long nap.

Then I headed out to 9. Meet friends at a bar of my choice. I met Krissy & Ray at the bar where I swing-danced with Simon on Wednesday.  I thought there would be a nice parallelism in this.  But it was too noisy for them, & there was a $12 cover (the bouncer pityingly waived it for me) so we went out to walk the streets.  Eventually we ended up elsewhere.

We had 10. a few drinks & talked on a few topics (generally depressing: eg., forced marriage & rape of female virgins before execution in Iran).  Then I10. danced in my wheelchair outside the bathroom.  Very briefly.

Staying "alive."

Staying "alive."

Fortunately, the bathrooms were also accessible.

The caption of the year

The caption of the year

Now I’m home. Soon to bed.  & another long day in the office tomorrow.

All night last night I dreamed normal dreams.  But whenever I walked in my dreams, I would remember that I was supposed to be in a wheelchair.  Then I would feel a horrible sense of guilt at having failed to follow my orders.  Then I would forget again & keep walking. All through the night.  Was very relieved in the morning to discover this wasn’t the case.

I’ve realized, over the course of the past few days, that there’s really no way to accurately simulate the experience of a paraplegic. I can feel the muscles in my legs working involuntarily all the time… helping brace me, keep my balance, etc.  I have managed not to flinch from cold water or unpleasant sensations, but I know that this is absolutely not the same.  Living like this, I can feel how strong my body really is, instead of the reverse.  So I am having two parallel experiences, really: I’m at once able-bodied & disabled.  There’s this mischievous feeling in my legs, which keep telling me walk! They do play along for the time being.  But I know that they’re there if I need them.

It’s only now that I begin to glimpse what it would really be like if they weren’t!





Week 5, Day 5

11 08 2009

Well, I officially kind of love Mondays.  It seems by Monday of each week I really hit my stride.  My directives become natural & easy to accomplish.  Today, I even had plenty of time to read & have a nap!

But first things first.  The World Police & Fire Games ended on Sunday.  Obviously, I did not have time to 1. attend five events earlier in the week.  Also, my car is now uninsured & most of the events were held in cities outside Vancouver.

So, on my day off, I got a coffee (thanks, Salinger!) & trudged a mile through the rain to the Vancouver Convention Centre, which was listed as the day’s venue on the WPAG website.  There I was told that I would have to walk 30 minutes in the opposite direction to the Plaza of Nations, where there was only one event left.  They were doing something called Muster.  IMG_0665

This was the first assignment I seriously contemplated not completing.  But I thought that would set an unhealthy precedent, knew I should put in the effort, & went anyway.  Turns out that Muster is a test of muster.  Oh.

Teams of firemen competed to see who could set up a ladder, climb it, & hand up buckets of water to fill a big barrel on top of a platform the fastest.

I watched at least five competitions between ten countries.  I hold that these were discrete events & consider my mission accomplished!

After relaxing with a smoothie (unfortunately verboten during the working week) with Braden, I headed to Jess & Braden’s place & helped Jess set up her website.  No rest for the wicked!  Then we got some delicious Thai food & watched Bedazzled (the original version).  I think it parallels this project very closely.  But who am I?  Dudley Moore?  Or Peter Cook?  Rent it & tell me!

Also came up with many ingenious ideas for the project.  I am positively brimming with ingenuity these days.

Upon arriving home, I’d received Adam’s video clips!  I cobbled them together & they are very informative & funny, despite the unfortunate but apparently inevitable watermark.

He demonstrates the core exercises he’s assigned to me & then, as a lovely bonus, takes us on a tour of his high school bedroom & shows you what I wrote in his yearbook!  It was hilarious, if only to me.

Those of you interested in getting in shape should watch the core exercises in particular!  I’ve found them extremely beneficial & not so easy as they look.  Those of you merely interested in stalking me should skip the core exercises & watch the bedroom tour.  You’ll get an intimate glance of me at fifteen.

I am officially somebody who works even on my days off.  I’ve got to cut that out.

Anyway, this morning I was really on top of my game. I 2. woke up early & 3. did core & warm-up. Then Braden kindly let me into his building so I could 4. run 1.5 miles on their treadmill.  I did it in 15 minutes!  When I began, it took me over 11 minutes to run a mile.  This time, (I admit I walked one “lap”), a mile only took me 10!  I love seeing fast results.  Now, I feel like my muscles want to be active.  This is particularly difficult, as I’m exercising under the shadow of Week 6.  When I post the schedule, you’ll see what I mean!

Also, I 5. stretched.

The escorts across the street are making fun of me again.  They make fun of me because I’m always up late writing.  They probably think I’m playing some sort of internet game.  I suppose I am, but it’s a very exciting one.  Anyway, my reward is in heaven.

I went home for a shower then met Braden for lunch (so I could 6. eat a meal within an hour of my workout).  I had some potato leek soup & a 7. kale salad.

Goodness & fun are still mutually exclusive.

Goodness & fun are still mutually exclusive.

When I arrived home, I checked my mail.  To my delight, Ptolemy had sent me a book!  It’s his most famous one, Paradise Fever.  & he included a lovely autograph!  You should all buy it & read.  Then maybe you’ll understand why he’s so smart & interesting.

He's tied with Simon Armitage

He's tied with Simon Armitage

I’m getting quite a collection of interesting autographed books.  I got Amy Hempel to autograph one for Bella, & Simon Armitage gave me a lovely & very decorative autograph after a night of heavy drinking at Old Town.  Boy is my life exciting.

Once upstairs, with the help of a friend’s mother, I tracked down the number of one of my favorite high school teachers.  I called her, but she wasn’t in.  I 8. left a voicemail with my number.

Then I crawled into bed with my new book & the Chancellor.  Very compelling read!  Made it halfway thru then dozed.

Afterwards, got a wrap & went to Jess’s, where I helped her transcribe an interview for a documentary.  I love repetitive mindless labor, & this was no exception!  I’m now considering applying for a job as a transcriber (transcriptionist?), so I can transcribe things on my day off & make money for a new computer.  That should show you the abundance of energy I have these days!

Then we went bowling.  In a cool little place where the balls are little balls that don’t have holes in them, & there’s no computer for scoring (must admit, in Michigan I became a habitual bowler, if a very bad one).  We had some trouble figuring out the scoring, but once we managed, wow!  In our first game we both bowled under 100.  In the next two, Jess bowled 150 & 163 respectively!  She’s a natural.  I told her to join a bowling league.  I, on the other hand, remained in the much less impressive 60-80 range.

The bowling shark.

The bowling shark.

Now I’m home.  All I have left to do is 9. play a sport (or do a fun physical activity I can imagine myself doing consistently). Well, when I was at the store today, I picked up a jump rope.  I’m going to skip some rope before bed.  Don’t tell me that’s not a sport.  Bike riding & hiking were suggested options & my third grade self begs to differ.

I’ve also instituted a new fun idea!  I’m giving a gold star to my favorite comment each day.  Whoever gets the most gold stars by the end of the year will get a present from me!  I’m really good at giving presents, & I love doing it.  The first two have gone to Jacqueline & Ptolemy.  But who knows who will get one next!

There are other fun, participatory ideas that will soon be revealed.

Adam gave me some very useful tips on posture a few posts back.  So now I’m making sure to switch my purse carrying shoulder off each day.  & consciously lowering my right shoulder whenever possible.

Planning for my busy day & dinner party tomorrow!  & so am off to bed.  Keep up the good work everyone.





Week 5, Day 3

9 08 2009

Today might look like one of the easiest days.  In fact, it was one of the most taxing!

Also boring to hear about.  So this will be short.  In part, because there is a loud party upstairs & I can’t concentrate!  & also I wish I was there.

Nothing. Beets. This.

Nothing: beets, this.

Maybe because of all the excitement last night, I got off to a slow start.  Woke up late-ish (around 10:00), then prepared for my 1.5 mile run. I did a few minutes of core stretches, then warmed up.  Ran/walked a mile along the sea wall & then a mile back.  I’m not sure if I ran for a full 1.5 miles, but I made sure my heart rate was up the whole time.

I also experienced a runner’s high for the first time in my life!  Wow.  I can see how this gets addictive.  It was also fun to go along seeing other joggers &, also for the first time in my life, identifying with them.  Much of this project seems to be about recognizing cultural subsets of the population I’d never previously given much thought to & learning to identify with the people who belong to them.  Now, for the rest of my life, there will be a little jogger nested inside me.  With a Mormon missionary inside that.  & a piece of Hemingway.  etc.

It’s nice!  But you can see how sometimes it feels like my heart will explode.

Exercise feels great, but I don’t know if running is right for my attention span.  In case you haven’t noticed, pacing is not one of my specialties. I’m trying to think of something slightly less tedious that could give me the same physical benefits.  Swimming, maybe.  I love swimming.

Got home in time for a shower & stretching, then headed off to yoga class.  I absolutely loved the instructor.  I don’t think she was as fond of me, sadly. I think she mistook my fidgeting with my hair as concern for my appearance, instead of physical discomfort (it kept falling down!).  & my constant peeks in the mirror as vanity rather than self-loathing.  I didn’t mind.  It was a great class.  By the end of it I was flexible enough to rest my hands on the floor behind my heels!  Just a few days ago I could barely touch my toes.

I feel physically very good right now.  I’m lucky to have a body that gets into shape very quickly.  I can already see new musculature in my legs & abs.

I also had to go to dinner with friends & sing at least two songs in a karaoke bar. This all sounds very nice & laid back, but I know fewer than 20 people in this city.  I contacted every one of them.  Five are out of town, three didn’t get back to me, & the rest all work tonight!  It seemed nearly impossible & I got very irritable as a result. I’m tired of talking to strangers.  The last thing I wanted was to recruit strangers to sing karaoke with me!  It ALMOST came to that. I hope I have better luck with bowling & dancing.

What a lifesaver.

What a lifesaver.

Thankfully, I convinced Jess to sit with me while I ate my dinner.  I had found someone (emphasis on ONE!) to sing karaoke with me at 8:00 & Jess was racing around between jobs, so this was strictly a forty minute affair.

By the way, she’s on an assignment as a food photographer where she gets to go around taking pictures of the 150 things you have to eat in Vancouver before you die or something.  I am so jealous.  She showed me some of the photos & not only are they amazing, she also gets to EAT a lot of the food!  So while I subsist on two-day old leftover fish & blueberries (ok I do love blueberries), she’s having rabbit & scallops & ice cream!

Well, food is food.  I drowned my sorrows in a dirty martini &, for good measure, smothered them with very good golden beet salad with goat cheese & toasted pine nuts.

Our waiter was a charming guy & we thought it might be funny to take a picture with him.  He’s in a band called TV Heart Attack.  We couldn’t figure out how to pose, so we kind of pretended like I had a problem with my salad, like a bug on the leaf or something.  Don’t ask me why.

Waiter, there's a _____ in my ______.

Waiter, there's a _____ in my ______.

God works in mysterious ways.

Our new musician friend’s name is Jason.  So we (Jason, Jessica, & Emily) were a little common name triumverate.

Now I have to generate enough text to run alongside this picture.

I have ten thousand typing monkeys in my brain. Convenient! Time for your daily Shakespeare fix.

If all the year were playing holidays,
To sport would be as tedious as to work;

– Henry IV Part 1. I.ii

& there you have it.

Come to think of it, maybe I should place a Strictly Platonic personal ad called Desperately Seeking Falstaff.

Though I suppose I already have enough Falstaffs in my life.

I was supposed to have dinner with friends, you say.  Plural.  “One friend does not count!” you cry.  “You’re cheating!”  I am WAY ahead of you naysayers.  I pulled a two dinner maneuver with the help of my new friend Ray.  Ray is a very successful young Canadian writer.

Ray, who tried to pay.

Ray, who tried to pay.

He has about seventy books of poetry out & a cushy job as a professor at UBC.   I’ve only met him once.  But I am very glad he was game for being serenaded by me.

I ordered a beer 100x the size of his & subsequently emasculated him.  Also ate some hamachi, saba, & ikura.  As you can see, I’m putting everything I have into this project.  Not only did I have dinner with friends, I had dinners with them.

Then we got a private room in a karaoke place that was laid out like a brothel.  Or at least like a brothel I once saw in a documentary.

I don’t much like singing publicly or with strangers, but Ray was pretty perfect for this.  We opened our one hour act with “Puff the Magic Dragon.”  Though sad that “A Whole New World” was not in the big karaoke book, we managed pretty well with “Tiny Dancer” & “Paint it Black” & “Karma Police” among others.

I wanted to sing “Paint it Black” because of my mood.  It was extremely satisfying for me.

Karaoke for two is actually pretty fun.  I think you should all try it sometime.  Even if the people who work at the place think you’re crazy.

So.  I accomplished all of today’s directives. By the skin of my teeth, but still.  I was also supposed to attend at least five events at the World Police & Fire Games sometime this week.  Blah!  No time earlier, obviously.  & the games are over tomorrow.  So I will demonstrate my commitment to this project by attending them tomorrow, on my day off. On my day off.

If I look hard enough into the setting sun...

If I look hard enough into the setting sun...

Well, no rest for the wicked.  I’ll see you all on Monday!  Adam’s been traveling, but, barring technical difficulties, you’ll see him too.  On YouTube.





Week 4, Day 7

5 08 2009

Hello friends & otherwise. Wednesdays are busy! Content for next week will appear later tonight.

In the meantime, I’ve received a video from the late Neal Fisher.  I’m sure you’re all dying to meet him.

I received an email from Neal last night proposing a series of changes to today’s schedule, including– but not limited to– orders to go door to door with homemade pamphlets.

No dice!  Literally.  I’m adhering to the original schedule, as I always will, which calls for me to:

Roll a standard 6 sided die and note the result.

1-2: Christianity
3-4: Mormonism
5-6: Scientology

Based on the result, you will live today as a disciple of one of the three religions. It is your task to go out and attempt to convert someone to your new belief.

& I don’t have any dice.  Fortunately for me, the die was not required to be three dimensional.

Die! Die! Die!

Die! Die! Die!

So I took a page from my own book & rolled a virtual die.  Unfortunately for my convert & me, we rolled a five. Which means that today we are both scientologists.

It takes a lot of money & time to become a scientologist & I’m pressed for both.  & it is too bad that Andrew couldn’t know the healing power of Christ’s love!

This is certainly fate, however, & though I do not yet know the reason for my destined experience I trust all will be revealed by the end of the day.  Don’t worry, I’ll spill it here.

Good thing I bought Dianetics on Tuesday!  I’m going to read it & maybe call Andrew later to share the word.

Stay tuned for next week’s schedule, bio, & video, all of which will accompany tonight’s update!

In the meantime, don’t do anything I wouldn’t.





Week 4, Day 5

3 08 2009

Well!  Today I was a scientologist.  I completed all my assignments like [snap] that.  Weeks always get much easier as they roll on… even boring.  I’ll admit it.

Photo credit: Jessica Earnshaw

Photo credit: Jessica Earnshaw

Though after being a devout Mormon, I guess Scientology would naturally be a yawn.  There’s not much you can do as a scientologist until you’re really in. Which I amn’t.

I 1. read the assigned excerpts from the Scientology handbook. I 2. talked to five people about how I thought they might apply to my life (one of the strangers, in a last ditch attempt, was the man at the liquor store).  I 3. thought about how the principles of Scientology might apply to my interactions with others.  & I ate some ice cream.

Guess who else likes ice cream

Guess who else likes ice cream

The ice cream was good. It was left over from Hemingway.

Next, marshmallows.

Next, marshmallows.

Well, there’s a lot left over from Hemingway. Psychologically speaking.

What else did I do as a Scientologist?  I avoided taking psychiatric medication– that was easy enough.  I also avoided taking drugs. Less easy.

Once 6:00ish rolled around, I went down to the center for an introductory session. At first they seemed a little distrustful, but they became more welcoming once it was clear how genuine I was.  I took a personality test in record time.  Then I met with a nice woman to discuss my results (which were, inevitably, not so nice).

I seem to have misplaced my test results, but the “You” part of me is mediocre, the “Life” part of me is pretty good, & the “Others” part is bad bad bad.  Because of previous traumatic experiences, I’m not good at being close to other people or communicating my feelings. That is certainly true.

So I did what I could… purchased a Dianetics book & took a pamphlet for a $150 introductory session.

I found the sustained eye contact very hypnotic & left a little light-headed!  As my session went on & people came in & out of the center I found it very enlightening listening to them talk about how powerfully Scientology has helped them improve their lives. I have no doubt that they are happier & likely much improved by their experiences with the church.

Much of what they were saying paralleled my own recent experiences with faith.  Belief in something bigger, no matter what it is, certainly seems to have a very empowering effect on people.  I suggest that everyone seek something out & try it, just for a few days.

The high point of my day was running out into the middle of traffic so my friend could get the below shot.

Photo credit: Jessica Earnshaw

Photo credit: Jessica Earnshaw

A former professor sent me an email in which he implied the project might be bad for me.  I concur, assuming that he meant to type “rad” for me.

I’ve had a long day at the office & I’m looking forward to my day off.  It’s been over a week since I had my last one!  I will return to you on Wednesday with a full account of my experience as Fate’s missionary.

Until then, I will continue to miss my friends in Ann Arbor who are having a good time without me at Old Town.  & I fully expect to receive six thousand comments on this entry– at the very least.