Week 9, Day 2

5 09 2009

What an awfully long day.  I hardly know where to begin!  My feet, yes, are aching from walking all over the city in heels, but physical pain is easy to transcend.  I am, however, psychologically & intellectually exhausted.  I’ve been ON from the moment I woke up. Already I’m… seeing stars?

Where shall we start? Where shall we– star!

Try not to star

Try not to star

I suppose that now is a good time to tell you that today I have a 1. STARRING problem. The Coin of Destiny has decided that each day I’ll let one of my commenters provide me with an either/or directive.  I select my favorite directive set & then 2. flip the Coin to determine which directive I follow.

This time round, facing stiff competition I might add, Magali won!  I was to either 3. have a starring problem or a woopie cushion & the sense of humor of a three year old.  Well, I found the starring problem very fascinating.  I believe she MEANT staring, but that’s not what she said.  I 4. flipped & found myself with a serious starring problem.  Just look at the comments on below entry for proof!

By now, with several comment responses & a few emails behind me, I have my starring problem somewhat under control.  You should see at least one instance of starring in each of the following paragraphs, but I am stifling the urge to pepper everything liberally with asterisks.  Not that it doesn’t take an awful amount of self-control!

Today I woke up, as one does.  I did some serious coin-flipping.  If your future is written in the stars, well, the Coin of Destiny was my direct link to them.

  • Should I return library books & mail things today? (YES)
  • Should I do it before or after coffee & 5. podcast (Tails: AFTER)
  • Should I watch the rest of the movie tonight after blog, or earlier in the day? (Heads: AFTER)
  • Should I stay out of Ptolemy/Allyson clash? (YES)
  • Should I shower now or later? (Tails: LATER)
  • Before or after chores? (Tails: AFTER)
  • Should I get out on the other side of the bed today? (NO)

& thus I got out of bed, starry-eyed at prospect of day ahead.

I 6. Consulted the I Ching to see which Radio Lab podcast I should listen to today. I got Hexagram 49: SKINNING (open surface, interaction, free, responsive, unhindered mouth; joy, radiance, burning, brightness, congregation [as of stars]).  It seemed pretty clear that I should listen to 7. “Emergence.” Glad I did.

Skipped downstairs to pick up coffee (coins in my coin purse bright as stars) then headed back up to podcast myself into oblivion, or its reverse.

Played solitaire as I listened. I’m a true star when it comes to solitaire.  I win at least three games for every two that I lose.  I must conclude that the stars are, in solitaire — as in everything else — on my side.  So appropriate for the theme of the podcast too.  I sat sipping my espresso & clicking away at the seemingly random cards, occasionally sacrificing my score in the timed games to take the notes you’ll see below:

  • “order materializes out of nothing”
  • E.O. Wilson writing name in ants
  • “every time it happens it happens by accident [...] error is architecture”
  • “local unplanned decisions add up into macro-unit that has a personality”
  • you’re looking at an author? vs. empty of purpose. which?
  • emergence = science of “how many stupid things can add up to something smart”
  • jellybean guessing!! — is this why voting makes sense? [apparently, if you get a roomful of people to guess the number of jellybeans in a jar, the averaged number of their guesses is typically unusually close to the actual number-- much closer than any individual guess.  This was discovered by a pioneer of the eugenics movement. Forget which one]
  • “to see the world as a coherent thing is a miracle”
  • is there a conducter?

Few facts are included in my notes, as it’s the facts I remember most easily.   The ideas of others, however, I have to write down.   If you want the facts (&, I assure you, the facts are interesting ones!) I encourage you to download the podcast yourself.  It’s free on iTunes.   Anyway, do you see a pattern materializing in my notes?  Can you read my dreams & anxieties therin? Does the apparently arbitrary pattern seem appropriate?  Is there an order materializing “out of nothing”?  Commenters, consider.  Work for that daily gold star.

Paused here last night. It's been on my screen all day.

Paused here last night. It's been on my screen all day.

It was then time to head out for my chores.  Didn’t exactly want to, but who am I to rail against the stars?

I went to the library to return some books.  I also needed to mail things to Allyson & her friends/family, as required by Week 8.  First, the library.  It was nice to be there.  I’ve been in school for the last 22 years (with only one exception).  Everyone else is heading back to school & I miss the gold stars & pencil cases of my youth.  I put my books on the conveyor belt & felt wraught with indecision.  A flurry of 8. Coin-governed decisions followed:

IMG_1266

  • Should I get another book while here? (YES)
  • Poetry or fiction? (FICTION)
  • Male or female author? (FEMALE)
  • Someone I’ve read before? (YES)
  • American or no? (NO)
  • Margaret Drabble or Iris Murdoch? (MARGARET DRABBLE)
  • Gates of Ivory? (YES)
So there you have it.

So there you have it.

Then I 9. asked the Coin

  • Should I get a drink here? (NO)
  • Big post office or little post office? (BIG)

so I tripped down the sidewalk as if walking on stars.  Signed up for ZipCar on the way.  Then headed towards the post office.  Nothing can stop the swift completion of my appointed rounds!

All of this fate made me thirsty! I 10 asked:

  • NOW can I get a slurpee? (NO)
  • Something else to drink? (NO)
  • Can I get a slurpee when I get to the 7-11? (NO)
  • After I’m inside the 7-11? (NO)
  • Something else? (YES)

Well, finally!  I went to the 7-11 in a sulk, where oh em gee.  The gods knew more than I did.  The slurpee machine was under repair!  Alas for my star-crossed lover (the slurpee).  But it wasn’t too late for me.  I got a coke.

Once home, I 11. Consulted the I Ching very seriously to see where I should go for Monday’s trip. Insert star for some reason.

Quest question 1.

Quest question 1.

This was a long, drawn-out process that required several questions.  I do not want to reveal the hexagrams I got for each question, as they veer a little too close to home.  Suffice to say, it’s not uncomplicated.  & the hexagrams recurred with shocking frequency! Many reappeared more than twice.  But I got my answer, after asking the following:

  • Should I go to Qualicum on Monday?
  • What will it be like if I go Monday, specifically?
  • Is it the best option?
  • What would a different trip look like?
  • Is it foolish to go to Qualicum instead of elsewhere?
  • What good will come of me going?

It may not be the happiest option, but I believe it is the best.  It seems to be in the stars for me at least.  I’ll determine the details of the trip a little later.  All this had me very contemplative.

I took my long awaited shower. (I sang songs about stars).

Then I 12. Let the Coin of Destiny determine the details of tonight’s date. It told me:

  • wear makeup
  • & skirt
  • put my hair up
  • drink booze
  • smoke
  • don’t talk about the project
  • no goldfish

I accomplished everything like the star I am (soon to be).

Met my new friend Brendan for coffee.  Arrived on time (13. nighttime) & observed him from a distance.  Was it him?  I 14. flipped the Coin of Destiny. YES.  Introduced myself.  Told him I couldn’t talk about my you-know-what (I’m a real star with the [lack of] fine print!).

After chatting for awhile, we went for a walk along the sea wall.  & then to Chinatown, where 15. The Coin told me we should go to a bar before going to the market.  Gold star for me & my multi-tasking.

I'm pondering just what you're pondering

I'm pondering just what you're pondering

We went to a bar (16. indoors, of course) where Brendan used to work as a barback. We walked through the very dangerous East Side.  It’s a good thing I’m such a trusting person & that Brendan is a man of an not-to-be-named-but-honest line of work, as I could’ve certainly ended up hacked to pieces in a ditch somewhere.  At the bar, we got in without cover because Brendan is so popular around town.  A VERY LOUD band was playing.  It felt like stars were exploding in my ears.  I could almost see stars circling around my head, as in an old time cartoon.  I have a picture of the bar, but it’s not any good.  We left after one beer.

On the walk back, feet blistering, we went through the market. What fun!  I got some sticky rice (my first meal of the day!) & STAR STICKERS!  Perfect for my starring problem.

Brassieres not included :(

Brassieres not included :(

Then we started the long walk home, my blisters near (not to be too graphic) the breaking point.  Well, mission accomplished?  I flipped 17. The Coin of Destiny to see if the date was over.  It was!  So now I was allowed to talk about the project.  & I did.

Our starry (k)night

Our starry (k)night

We stopped at another bar where I compensated Brendan for the beer he’d bought me on our date by buying one for him.  He saw lots of people he knows.  He’s a real star in this town.

I’m done with/for today now.  All I have left to do is watch the rest of Scenes of a Marriage.  I’d normally go to bed but the coin doesn’t see that in store for me.  In star for me.

Bella & the Chancellor are cuddling in the corner, though Chance occasionally takes off to chase a ladybug hovering around one of the light fixtures.  Did you know that when I lived in Michigan my house was periodically infested by ladybugs?  & do you think Bella & the Chancellor know that they’re stars on the internet?

Speaking of the internet, stats are slipping & I’m not happy about it.  It’s not a top priority of mine (as I obviously have a lot of other things to take up my time), but it does make it easier to get through the day when I know there are thousands (& not paltry hundreds) of people rooting for (or against) me.  Remember, gold stars equal presents when the year comes to a close.  & this week (perhaps this week only!) you commenters get a hand in my fate!  Comment with either/or’s & I’ll incorporate one of my favorites into the following days.

What's in your stars?

What's in (y)our stars?

Thus concludes another day (in the life) lived by the Bailey Sisters, starring Emily Zinnemann.  It’s raining now.  When it comes to a walk, the dog will have to wait.  She seems happy to(o).





Week 8, Day 7

3 09 2009

Last day of being lived by Allyson!  New schedule & bios up.  The following week promises to be very interesting & interestingly open-ended as well.  So those of you who have found the predictability of the past few weeks boring should delight in the (almost) total reliance on chance that is to come.

I also encourage you to comment with your thoughts on above schedule & bios.  I’m not the only one who likes your feedback, here.

Allyson did a pretty good job of living me today.  I was supposed to host a small 1. local foods dinner party!  Well, I lazed around for most of the day, of course, leaving dinner party plans to the very last minute.  In the meantime, I ate some 2. blueberries, 3. bread & butter & 4. rabbit terrine. I read some, facebooked some, dozed some, showered some– basically did everything BUT plan a dinner party.  Eventually (four-ish), I headed out to find some local groceries.  Picked up a package along the way.

Was surprised & pleased to have received a package from Ptolemy!!

Bella remains unfazed.

Bella remains unfazed.

He’d sent me an encyclopedia of serial killers & the Anatomy of Melancholy.  Wow.  This man really knows the way to my heart.

I was thrilled.  Thrilled!

Then I went to the store & purchased some 5. salmon, 6. dill, 7. sour cream, 8. beets, 9. grapes, 10. peaches, 11. goat cheese 12. red & white wine. All local.  Didn’t quite know quite what I’d do with it, but knew it would all come together somehow.

Ate some grapes.  Pondered recipes.

Then (with only two hours before the dinner party!) I began frantically planning a meal.  Here’s what I ended up with.

  1. Salad. Comprised of 13. romaine lettuce, roasted beets, 14. beet greens, goat cheese, & a basic dressing of balsamic vingear, olive oil, & salt & pepper (underlined non-local foods already available in my cupboard).
  2. a whole 14. trout pan-fried in butter with 15. tomatoes, pan deglazed w. white wine
  3. salmon poached with dill, 16. butter & white wine
  4. boiled 17. new potatoes with a dressing of dill, sour cream, & white wine, topped with 18. salmon roe
  5. peaches, poached in white wine, dressed with a 19. blueberry & thyme, honey, & pepper sauce, reduced from the white wine

It was kind of panicky towards the end.  I wasn’t cooking from recipes & Olivia & her friends (Maura & Lexi) arrived a little early!  But somehow I managed to get everything on the table.

Much to my surprise, the meal was quite good.

More exciting than it looks.

More exciting than it looks.

Olivia 20. helped me prepare by bringing an all-local appetizer feast of local salami, crackers & goat cheese!  Also some wine.

Anyway, I was rather outnumbered by FOUR blondes, two of whom (Maura & Lexi) I’d never met.

Maura, Magali, Olivia, Lexi

Maura, Magali, Olivia, Lexi

But they didn’t eat me.  Just my food!

They ate, & found it good.

Bella found solace between Maura's legs.

Bella found solace between Maura's legs.

I was very relieved that the whole mess was edible.  For some reason, everybody wants me to have dinner parties.  But I invite you all to think back on your past experiences in life.  How often do single women who live alone throw dinner parties?  For one thing, it’s hard not to feel strange & desperate when you’re all by yourself inviting people in for a party.  For another, it’s  difficult when you’re lifting things in & out of the oven & no one else is there to entertain your guests.  Food.  For thought.

Anyway, the food was all edible &, in fact, rather good!  Recipes available upon request.

We ate & ate.  Talked & talked.  After the fish & so forth came dessert.

I could eat a peach for hours.

I could eat a peach for hours.

Then we occupied ourselves by spying on my neighbors.  We saw much nudity, money changing hands, tender couple pasta cooking, & possible escort services.  We pondered & pondered.

Must invest in binoculars.

Must invest in binoculars.

Then I forced each of my guests to 21. Write down a comment about the meal, along with a remark on what they knew (positive or negative) about the local foods movement.

Results are in.

  • MAGALI: Delicious! This is the way it should be. Thank you for spoiling us with all this local bounty! Love it when my dinner and my entertainment come from just a stones throw away.
  • LEXI: Emily – Loved the local beets and tasty trout: delicious and props to you the chef of this tasty meal. Completely new to hearing about the 100 mile diet, but a new eye opening experience!
  • MAURA: Local meal was fantastic and easier to find local food than I thought I have never heard of just eating local food but find it reasonable and a little liberating
  • OLIVIA: Emily, your dinner was tasty, coulorful and marvelous! – Who knew all we need is 100 miles!

Sounds like an overwhelming success.  Thanks, Allyson!

What larks we had.

What larks we had.

Soon it was time for everyone to go home.  I took Bella for her walk as my friends (new & old) walked towards their various bus stops & apartments.

Returning home, I was certainly tickled by two names on the empty bottles!

Accusation Ale & Freud's Ego

Accusation Ale & Freud's Ego

Sorry about grainy picture quality, & the at times unremarkable nature of the pics, but I only have an iPhone.  & I was supposed to 22. take & post at least five pictures of the party & my guests.

& what does the future hold for me?  As of tomorrow, I’ll leave that up to my Coin of Destiny.  & the I Ching, of course.





Week 7, Day 6

26 08 2009

Today was my first good day of being lived by Fernando.  I’m not sure what it is.  The company?  The light at the end of the tunnel?  Or the inevitable resignation to the week which comes, each week, by Monday?  Anyway, friends, it was good.  Or good enough.

I woke up early, as usual, but had to 1. stay in bed until 10:40 (up late with Jess [P] I didn’t make it to bed until 2:40 last night).  I find when I’m confined to bed until a particular hour, I experience a much greater sense of impotence than I did when “paralysed” & confined to a wheelchair, as in Week 6.  I tossed & turned, & read some of the Nicholson Baker book I picked up recently.

Then arose.  Did some light housework while Jess was in the shower & then made some tea for her (hot 2. water for me) & chatted before she left for lunch.

Jess, artfully backlit.

Jess, artfully backlit.

As she prepared to leave, I 3. prepared my breakfast of oatmeal.  By now you know the drill.  I 4. added some blueberries as it was cooking & then 5. sweetened the whole mess with honey.  Said my goodbyes to Jess & got on the phone with a future participant (not to give too much away, but it involves a vineyard!).

Meanwhile, Bella finished my mostly uneaten oatmeal.

Mairzy doats & dozy doats

Mairzy doats & dozy doats

Then I waited… & waited… & waited for Braden to arrive so we could 6. watch La jetée/Sans soleil.

Just as I gave up & started the movie(s) he arrived.  We had a grand old time with the films.

They seemed a little dull at first & throughout. I eventually liked the first one very much.  The second one made me awfully sleepy, & there was a particularly horrible moment in which I had to watch a dying giraffe with spurts of blood coming out of the gunshot wounds on either side of its neck.  That woke me up a little.

By the time the second film ended (& it seemed interminably long) I realized that the movie was not boring, exactly.  Rather, it so closely approximated a dream state that it was impossible not to feel very sleepy as it was going on.  I can’t say I exactly enjoyed watching it, but after it was over I felt I was in a heightened state of consciousness.  I’ve never seen a film quite like it before.  Nor a film quite like the other one (composed almost entirely of still snapshots & a voiceover).  Each worked within an entirely unfamiliar genre & I was certainly improved by watching them.  It’s hard to explain, though I’m sure I could do it if I wasn’t so tired right now.  If you’re curious, I recommend that you watch them for yourselves.

Bella & Braden fell into deep post-Sans Soleil slumber.

Bella & Braden fell into deep post-Sans soleil slumber.

I 7. Read the booklet that came with the DVD.  I liked it much better than the other one.  There was a short interview with Chris Marker (the director) & I appreciated his refreshing snarkiness.

Woke up Braden, & began my long 8. walk to the 7-11.  Then we sat in a park, where I was to 9. Write whatever came to mind. Prompted by Sans soleil, I decided to write a list of the first 10 things I saw which “quickened the heart.” I would have liked to take corresponding photographs, as it seemed only right, but I’d left my phone at home, sadly.  Here’s the list.

  1. glint of bearded man’s septum piercing
  2. pigeon coasting on an updraft
  3. brown water moving over green tile inset in stone moat of fountain
  4. tree with a knot in it, small manageable size
  5. congregation of pigeons bathing on ledge of fountain
  6. skull patch on arm of sweatshirt belonging to 1. as he leaves park
  7. my shoelaces are still too long (I always appreciate this extravagance on part of designer)
  8. shadows of pigeons on blue, sky-colored wall
  9. long ears of Wiemaraner disappearing behind wall of red flowers, smoke coming out of owner’s nostrils
  10. airplane noise? passing train? buses.  like movement of wind over mouth of cave/breath over neck of a bottle

So there, I’ve 10. posted what I wrote.

Then I went home, where I prepared my 11. no-carb lunch.  It’s an exciting new take on cucumber sandwiches.  I cut open a cucumber & scraped the seeds out, then put a can of tuna in the middle.  With some seasoning & mayonnaise for good measure, of course.

Curiouser. & curiouser.

Curiouser. & curiouser.

I ate this bizarre concoction.  I 12. took my time, enjoyed it.

Then, after some more Nicholson Baker, I read a random page from 13. Luis Cernuda’s Written in Water. The poem was “Time.”  The final paragraph of the poem reads:

There, in the absolute silence of summer, underscored by the murmuring water, my eyes open to the clear half-darkness that heightens the mysterious life of things, I saw how time can hold still, suspended in air, like the cloud that conceals a god, pure and weightless, never passing.

Quite appropriate.  It encapsulated the strange sensory experience I’d been having since the movies ended very nicely. Right down to the murmuring water.

I went about my chores.

Then I finished my (somewhat pornographic) Nicholson Baker book on the couch.  As soon as I was done, I had a call from TD.  He was outside!  He’d finally arrived!  I took out the garbage & then joyfully went to greet him.

After I got dressed in normal clothing, we went for a 14. walk.  Where did we walk?  To 15. dinner.  It was delicious, if carb-less.  He consumed the entire contents of the breadbasket.  Good.  It was otherwise too tempting to me.  We got some oysters & he had some chowder & I had some steamed clams.  I would’ve taken a picture but I’d forgotten my phone again.

Upon returning home, TD took the dog for her nightly constitutional & I sat down to 16. write for an hour.  Here you see the result of that writing.

Tomorrow we have a very busy day.  Not only do I have to accomplish all of my directives for Day 7, I also have to run some errands, rent a car, & ferry over to Galiano Island, where a family friend has graciously agreed to lend me a house for the first few days of Week 8.  Quite excited.  Next week we will witness a new strain of vicarious living, perhaps more true to the intentions of the project.  It’s being choreographed by a certifiable stranger (only the second true stranger we’ve seen).

All I have left to do is 17. abstain from use of electronic devices in the hour before bed & 18. go to bed at 2:20am.  I’m at this point so well-versed in Week 7 that I have the whole schedule down by memory.  Staying up late will be hard to do– I have almost three empty hours looming before me, along with a house guest who will certainly be asleep well before 2:20am.

I suppose I will occupy myself by responding to comments, handing out a gold star, & maybe picking up another book to read before turning in.

Oh, the fun of it.





Week 6, Day 6

18 08 2009

The end is near.

This was Day 6 in a wheelchair.  Of course, I also had other things to accomplish.

Today seemed as if it would be quite taxing, but in fact it was one of the better days I’ve had so far!  Funny how it always seems to work out like that.

First I 1. got up & showered.  I’m getting used to showering in a wheelchair.  So at this point, it was fairly routine.  Fifteen relaxing minutes in above the tub.

Then, around one-ish, Olivia arrived & we 2. Took Bella for a walk. This is the first time this week I took the dog myself!  Bella was pretty good.  I kept running over her toes & at one point she was attacked by two off-leash toy poodles.  The owner shouted, from a safe distance, “If she bites it will teach them a lesson!”  Certainly, if the intended lesson was death.  But Bella seemed to understand I didn’t have the strength to wrangle her & stood very still as the poodles jumped all over her, biting & yipping. Lucky for them.  She’s not always so tolerant.

After this, Olivia & I 3. Headed to the Vancouver Art Gallery.

Speaking of chairs,

Speaking of chairs,

I didn’t feel like going to the museum on a nice sunny day, but actually it was very pleasant & relaxing.  It took us an hour to get through the exhibitions.  I was expecting that it would all be Canadian artists, but, thank God, it wasn’t!  It was a show of 16th & 17th century Dutch realist painters.

There was also, for some reason, a reconstruction of a 1950s household.  I felt very happy rolling about in it.  As if I were in Mad Men!  But with none of the disappointing Season Threeness.

We would have got better pictures, but we had to be very sneaky.  Photos, after all, are verboten in art galleries.  I got Olivia to pretend she was texting on my phone & finally we got one.

By the way, I look kind of fat in the picture to the right.  I’d like to tell you all that that is the material of my skirt & shirt!  Not, in fact, my stomach.  If you remember the spandex photos, I am blessed with an essentially flat stomach.  Vanity!  will be the death of me.

I was supposed to 4. Spend two hours in the exhibitions, but there wasn’t exactly two hours of looking to be done.

Nor was there time to look & eat (part of 5) before everything closed down.  So I may or may not have accomplished that particular directive.  I certainly have spent beyond two hours in the exhibition in my heart.  It’s stuck with me all day, in fact.  Also, I’ve never been to the VAG (of all acronyms, Vancouver, really?) — never WOULD have gone, & now fully intend to return.  So perhaps I’m on a payment plan?  This doesn’t feel like a failure, but it possibly is.  I’ll leave it to you to decide.  Please note, too, that I was on the property of the VAG for at least 3.5 hours.

My "pity me" expression could use some work.

My "pity me" expression could use some work.

After wandering through the exhibit, we 5. went to the Gallery Café for lunch- it was certainly difficult & interesting to 6. find the alternative entrance! It involved all sorts of tricks.  Intercoms, elevators, secret passwords– but eventually we made it.

Also, I was mistaken for Kyla for the first time this week!  I knew it was bound to happen & am somewhat surprised it hasn’t happened sooner!  When we were younger (19-ish), we were often mistaken for identical twins.  As life has taken its terrible toll on our faces, we no longer get that much.  But evidentally one woman at the museum still sees the resemblance.  I’m flattered!

I’ve wanted a nose job FOREVER & I always tell Kyla that if I ever scrape the money together I’m going to ask for her nose.

The food was mediocre but the company was very good.  Olivia & I don’t know each other that well (she’s one of my friend’s younger sisters) but we bonded over all sorts of topics.  & now we are actual friends!

Also, we managed to get a bucket of beer for happy hour price, though it was not yet happy hour, because I was in a wheelchair.  So that lubricated things a little.

My only sunshine

My only sunshine

Olivia doesn’t like this picture of her but I felt I had to put it up.  She’s too adorable!  If she asks me, I’ll take it down.

After lunch, we hung out & chatted by the fountain.  Kyla called me earlier today &, unprompted, cancelled one of her previous directives.  I was supposed to 7. Sit outside on a busy street and hand out Emily, Lived By: postcards & get a friend to do the same on a street nearby, noting the difference in attitudes between my experience & that of my friend’s.

Well, I ALWAYS accept cancellations (though not last minute additions to schedule).  Olivia & I were both pleased that we didn’t have to humiliate ourselves in this manner.  You can imagine what it would have been like– it’s the idea of doing this that’s most important, really.  Me enacting it for you all would not have made much of a difference.  I commend Kyla for (with, I promise, no pressure on my part!) recognizing this.

Olivia & I delighted in the unexpected free time.  Sat by the fountains & pondered life.  So forth.

Olivia & her sisters are also on board to do a collaborative week.  So we discussed that a little.  Very excited to learn that their week (though I don’t know the details!) will be a real departure from many of the somewhat mundane self-improvement schedules I’ve encountered so far.  Lately, my schedules, though very improving, have been a little dull– or at least, psychologically unchallenging– for me.  So it’s nice to know the tides will shift soon.  Perhaps this shifting will provide a good example for future participants!

Look at Olivia. What a saint.

Look at Olivia. What a saint. She practically glows!

Fortified by our new freedom, etc. we headed to a bar.  Where we drank two pitchers of beer– goodness!  Can you believe I’m writing this so coherently?

Olivia will also accompany on my directives tomorrow.  We’ve plotted up a way to make them more interesting.

She helped me wheel home & before she left I gave her my copy of Suze Orman’s Young, Broke & Fabulous, as I think it might help her sort out her credit card troubles.  Thanks, Mom, for Week 1!

Now I have only a few things left to do.  I’ve 8. Relaxed & also  9. Spent time writing my blog.

I just have to 10. Make dinner & eat (I’m thinking some cheese puffs?) & finally 11. Lie in bed & contract my muscles from head to toe, working down my body including face, fingers and toes. Contract each muscle for 30 seconds, release, then go to sleep.

It will be done AND done.

Regarding the coming week: I received my schedule two days late & overwhelming majority of commenters proposed that I take two days off but blog about both of them.  Looking at the schedule, I see that it’s not too taxing. It’s kind of weird to blog about my days off & I really hate the idea of not doing this project for three whole days in a row.

SO. I’ve decided to compromise: I will take one day off.  I will blog (& project) for five days of the week, but have a rare two day weekend.  In the future, as Ben Tilly has suggested (uncannily in line with my thoughts), I will have understudies ready to step in & late schedules will no longer be a problem.

Hi up there!

Hi up there!

If any of you have complaints, you can address them to the Chancellor.

I’ve also come up with an amazing plan for my final week.  You’ll just have to wait till then to see what it is.

See you tomorrow!





Week 6, Day 5

18 08 2009

Well, here we are.  Did you miss me? I’ve missed you terribly.

Yesterday was my day off.  I spent most of it in bed, gravely ill.  In fact, I thought I had tuberculosis, as I was coughing up blood.  But today I’m practically back to normal.  A little feverish, a few sniffles.  But certainly no coughing-of-blood.  What a relief.

Today, I was back in a wheelchair, as this week’s schedule requires.  I stayed in bed until shortly before noon, milking my illness as much as possible.  Then I arose & 1. took a shower.  It’s an uncomfortable affair these days, as I must transfer myself out of a wheelchair & onto the edge of the tub, then from the tub’s edge to a little stool.  Then I must shower seated upright with only a little shower nozzle for my companion.  I soaped up quickly then got out!

I was also supposed to 2. prep dinner from a specified recipe.

You'll have to make do with an awkward self-pic.

You'll have to make do with an awkward self-pic.

The recipe was for a “vegetable bake” from some British healthy foods cookbook.  I’ll admit, it was extremely bland.  Basically: tomatoes, oregano, zucchini (“courgette”), eggplant (“aubergine”), onions, mozzarella, & a shockingly minimal amount of garlic (three cloves).  Prepping took much longer than it would normally, however.  So I’m glad the recipe, if uninspiring, was easy. Some of the cleanup I will actually have to leave for Wednesday!

The fruit flies, already having a little party above the empty wine bottles in my sink (some of them [the flies] quite purple by now), will be ecstatic for the next few days.

As I cooked, I 3. Listened to Music for Egon Schiele, by Rachel’s. Not my sort of thing, but it lent the preparations for dinner a somber air that I quite appreciated.

Kyla wants to “control my senses” this week & so far it has certainly worked. Strange perfume!  Unfamiliar music!  New foods!  Not to mention no real use of my legs.

During this time, the girl (excuse me, woman) who was supposed to accompany me for my tasks tomorrow suddenly bailed.  Panic!  There’s no way I’d be able to accomplish anything alone.  Fortunately, I posted a desperate plea on facebook, & I’ve found someone.  All it will cost me is $50, lunch, & my dignity.  But that’s better than failure by far.

Shall we dance?

Shall we dance?

I still needed to 4. Take Bella for a walk as I have learned to in a wheelchair. Walking her myself in a wheelchair, I’ve learned, is nearly impossible.  Much better to get her estranged father over for a little custody visit.  He showed up with Shannon & they took her out for an hour.  Meanwhile, I wandered around YouTube, expanding my horizons.

Some of my horizon-expanding entailed watching old Peter Cook & Dudley Moore clips.  The original Bedazzled is one of the most highly underrated films of all time.  Perhaps it resonates more deeply with me lately because of this project?  But I encourage each of you to rent & watch immediately.  Am I George or Stanley?  I want your thoughts.

Speaking of YouTube, I find it intriguing that “Putting Away Groceries in a Wheelchair” has already reached well over 1,000 views– by far more views than any of my videos has yet enjoyed, including Meg Tilly’s famous Week 1 address.  I can’t imagine why this is. Can you?  I’d like to hear your thoughts.

Then I 5. Made dinner and 6. Read excerpts from Mee’s A Nearly Normal Life while the food was in the oven.  Then I 7. Welcomed guests (Kyla & her fiancee).  I also 8. Made conversation.

We ate the bland dinner that I had prepared, then proceeded to more enjoyable things.  Like discussions about horror, torture, & suffering around the world.

Kyla & I, making up for the technical failures that prevented her first video from reaching you, also made a nice little film for you all.

At some point, our conversation was supposed to 9. lead to stereotypes and myths of the disabled without seeming contrived. I realized this hadn’t happened & said, quite naturally, “Have you noticed that I haven’t led the conversation to stereotypes of the disabled without seeming contrived?”  Well, I’ll count that as a dodgy success.  But I’ll put it in my failure book just in case.

Now, all I have left to do is: 10. Lie in bed and contemplate my last few days for at least 10 minutes.

I’ll accomplish that no sweat unless I fall asleep first!

But here’s where I need your help: my participant for Week 7 is very late with his schedule.  He has, however, promised to get it in by tomorrow.  A new clause allows me to take one day off for each day the schedule is late.  So next week I have the chance of having a three day weekend.  Somehow, this doesn’t rest easy with me– though I’d welcome the time off, three whole days on my own seems like an awful lot. Still, the psychological demands of this project are enormous, & a day & a half is not always adequate time to prepare.

I thought I’d leave it up to commenter vote.  Should I get an extra two days off?  Or only one?  None?  Or should I get my two days off but blog about them as usual?  Please leave your response in the comments.  YOU, friends, will determine my fate.

I will accept it uncomplainingly, whatever the outcome.

Now, onward!





Week 6, Day 2

15 08 2009

So I’ve been in a wheelchair for well over 24 hours now.  It has been stranger than I expected, but for different reasons.

Physically, it’s been much easier than I anticipated.  There are, of course, little inconveniences; say, it takes up to a minute of wrangling to open a door.  I discover my soap & moisturizer are out of reach. It’s cold to take a shower seated upright above a bathtub.  But I’ve always been at home with physical discomfort, in fact, I kind of enjoy it.

Lucky me, because I’m getting sick.  It feels like my lungs are full of honeycomb & wool (the itchy kind).  Do you think it’s because of all the germs I get on my hands from wheeling?  It is, of course, inevitable that this project will take a physical as well as a psychological toll on me.  Eg., a few weeks ago I got lemon juice in my eye & experienced absolutely no sensation.

Anyway, I also thought it would be nearly impossible to navigate the day’s tasks… & it would have been, alone, on the first full day in a chair.  But I wasn’t alone for most of it.

After waking up, I transferred out of bed & then, eventually into the tub where I took my 1. shower.  It wasn’t the indulgent affair it usually is for me (I’m world-renowned for ridiculously long showers) but it did the trick.  Getting dressed in a wheelchair is certainly difficult.  But I’m very glad I store all my clean clothing in a heap on the floor.   Bella’s estranged father happens to live in Vancouver & he came by with his girlfriend (my friend Shannon) to 2. take the dog for a walk. Bella hasn’t seen him in around three years so it was a little much for her to take in.

I 3. sprayed on some of Shannon’s perfume. I like the smell, but it was supremely uncomfortable.  Obviously.  I mean, it was just how you would expect wearing someone else’s perfume to feel.  

Round & round, all through the town

Round & round, all through the town

After the man headed off to the library Shannon & I checked the bus routes.  We wheeled over & waited.

You all want to know about people’s reactions.  Well, I can tell you: they’re different.  They’re different in the way you’d expect them to be different.  I presume that what you mean when you want to hear about people’s reactions is that you want to hear about the emotional reaction I have to these different reactions.  Honestly, it doesn’t particularly bother or surprise me (though I’m sure it would be different if this was my permanent condition), so I’m less inclined to write about the predictable awkwardness of strangers.

Still, ok: there’s the expected range of reactions.  A lot of pitying looks, a conspicuous absence of male interest, a lot of social discomfort (where should I stand? Should I offer to help? Don’t stare!) etc.  I kind of enjoy it, at present.  I always feel exposed in public, &, perhaps oddly, I like the feeling of invisibility disability gives me.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t advocate this kind of lack of awareness on your parts.  Generally, I think everyone should be treated as human.  However, I feel like an odd & in some ways inhuman person, & I guess at the moment it’s a relief to have a visible marker of it.

Look carefully at that finger on the right.  This is the most you'll see of Shannon all year.

Look carefully at that finger on the right. This is the most you'll see of Shannon all year.

Perhaps it’s because for the past several weeks I’ve had to be so extroverted in a way that doesn’t come naturally to me.  Now people look at me & don’t see me or don’t want to– good! I don’t want them to either.  I was a little giddy with the knowledge that I could behave however I wanted & get away with it.  Once on the bus, I kept thinking I could scream “WHY, WHY, WHY!” the whole ride to Granville Island & no one would put me off.  I would just get sympathetic, uncomfortable gazes.  In my normal life, I experience a lot of reactions from strangers, but sympathy almost never.  Only when I fall down the stairs or in the street, which is often.  Clumsy!

By the way, if you hadn’t already gathered this, I 4. Took the bus.

I also like how people now treat me as if I’m some sort of gentle saint.  I mean, really, I eat it up!!

A man with no teeth came & stared at me & then asked “What happened to you?”

“It’s a long story,” I told him.  “A very long story!”

Then we kept wheeling along.

It’s funny to need people.  It’s funny to need them so badly that you have to pay them to accompany you!  I’ll be doing a lot of that this week.  It’s funny to feel like it’s only right to pay someone for spending time with you.

Spent some time under a bridge with crow.

Spent some time under a bridge with crow.

Shannon & I wheeled around Granville Island & through the market, to see what it was like.

Actually, I found it not much different from navigating those crowded passages in an able body.  Except, of course, you’re much shorter, slower & everyone stares.

Check out my wheels

Check out my wheels

We were supposed to 5. Eat lunch at the Indian stall. Neither of us felt like Indian, but it wasn’t my choice to make.  I hung around, as several people skipped past me in line, & attempted to see into the display case.  I wasn’t quite the right height.  Eventually, we managed to order.  We got four chicken samosas.

Mr. Cellophane should have been my name

Mr. Cellophane should have been my name

They were adequate.  We ate them outside, where Shannon refused to let me take her picture.  “Just the back of your head!” I said.  But apparently she hates the back of her head.

We went for a second lunch of steak & a bottle of wine.  The food was mediocre, the conversation certifiably excellent.  The waitresses were, of course, concerned & solicitous.  So I felt more comfortable than usual sending back my steak.  It was cooked medium & I wanted (…needed!) rare.  I’ve always had an uncommon bloodlust.  I’d eat all meat raw if I could.

I considered my packaged leftovers my 6. Groceries for dinner.  I ate them for dinner, after all.  My goodness gracious.  I can’t believe I’ve eaten two baked potatoes today. How things change.

Then I picked up 7. Groceries for the week.

Four fine balls of mozzarella.

Four fine balls of mozzarella.

Missions accomplished, we 8. Took the aquabus home.

What lies beneath?

What lies beneath?

Do you see the little kid staring?  Totally normal.  I found I liked being at eye level with children.  What I didn’t like, however, was that as children would stare at me with absolutely natural curiosity, their parents would nervously redirect them in such a way that they would realize (often, likely, for the first time) that there was supposed to be something shameful, pitiable, & taboo about physical infirmity.

Upon arriving home, I took a long nap.

Then I headed out to 9. Meet friends at a bar of my choice. I met Krissy & Ray at the bar where I swing-danced with Simon on Wednesday.  I thought there would be a nice parallelism in this.  But it was too noisy for them, & there was a $12 cover (the bouncer pityingly waived it for me) so we went out to walk the streets.  Eventually we ended up elsewhere.

We had 10. a few drinks & talked on a few topics (generally depressing: eg., forced marriage & rape of female virgins before execution in Iran).  Then I10. danced in my wheelchair outside the bathroom.  Very briefly.

Staying "alive."

Staying "alive."

Fortunately, the bathrooms were also accessible.

The caption of the year

The caption of the year

Now I’m home. Soon to bed.  & another long day in the office tomorrow.

All night last night I dreamed normal dreams.  But whenever I walked in my dreams, I would remember that I was supposed to be in a wheelchair.  Then I would feel a horrible sense of guilt at having failed to follow my orders.  Then I would forget again & keep walking. All through the night.  Was very relieved in the morning to discover this wasn’t the case.

I’ve realized, over the course of the past few days, that there’s really no way to accurately simulate the experience of a paraplegic. I can feel the muscles in my legs working involuntarily all the time… helping brace me, keep my balance, etc.  I have managed not to flinch from cold water or unpleasant sensations, but I know that this is absolutely not the same.  Living like this, I can feel how strong my body really is, instead of the reverse.  So I am having two parallel experiences, really: I’m at once able-bodied & disabled.  There’s this mischievous feeling in my legs, which keep telling me walk! They do play along for the time being.  But I know that they’re there if I need them.

It’s only now that I begin to glimpse what it would really be like if they weren’t!





Week 6, Day 1

13 08 2009

Today was my first day in a wheelchair! I’m currently on hour four.

I took a long time accomplishing the day’s directives.  Knowing I had a lot to do, I stayed in bed for a long time, almost till noon.  I felt I needed to conserve as much energy as possible.

I did my directives out of order.  But that’s just how I roll.

When I eventually got up, I 1. Wandered around making sure things were at a reachable height & made my home more accessible (took my plates out of the cupboards, removed a shelf from my fridge, cleared space in my closet, etc.) ran some errands (bought household staples: dog food & whiskey), then went out in the rain to 2. Get a chair to use in my shower for the week. I don’t have use of my car, so there was only one store option.  Thankfully, though I did not find a chair under $100 (?!) they did have a little vanity stool.  I have full use of my upper body so I figured that would do.

Then I 3. Took Bella for a half hour walk. Ten minutes of that was her standing resolutely on a patch of sidewalk staring into traffic.  Neither of us were really feeling it.

I'm not a trained monkey.

I'm not a trained monkey.

With the “walk” done, I headed to Kyla’s, full of nervous anticipation.

After chatting a bit about the project, gossiping about the commenters, & handing over the week’s texts (Kyla is, by the way, a model participant.  Not only has she provided a wheelchair for my use, she has thoughtfully procured the week’s required books, & will provide stickers & postcards for assignments later in the week.  Take a page from her book, slackers!)

We also tried– & failed– to upload her video to YouTube.  For some reason the file is enormous & we can’t figure out how to compress it.  Maybe she’ll make videos on my trusty little MacBook later this week.  At present, you’ll have to do with a video from me.  Keep reading.  It’s a little further down.

From then on it was all business.  4. I got into the wheelchair I will be in until Sunday morning.  She showed me how to transfer myself onto a sofa without using my legs.  We didn’t know how I’d get into my bed… it’s almost chest height when I’m standing up.  Eventually we decided that I would just use my legs as little as possible when climbing into it.  But that didn’t seem right!

There was also the problem of the shower.  I soon realized, once I experienced the exertion of getting onto a sofa, that there was no way I could navigate over a five inch ledge from a wheelchair onto a rickety little stool without cracking my head into pieces.  It took some brainstorming, but we’ve got it!

I have a bathtub with a flat square edge & a detachable shower nozzle.  I could put the stool in the bathtub.  Then, when I needed to shower, I could transfer from the wheelchair to the tub’s edge & then to the stool.  I was happy!  It feels good to figure things out.

That’s one of the things I’ve been thinking today– a lot of people are talking about how difficult this week is (like they talk about how difficult every other week is), but what they don’t seem to realize is that with the completion of every task comes an extraordinary sense of accomplishment.  Many people spend their lives trying to avoid challenges, when, in fact, facing challenges is one of the most rewarding parts of life.  It’s a cliche, but a cliche to live by.

It may be difficult to live one’s life for a year according to arbitrary directives, & it is certainly much more difficult to live with a  permanent spinal cord injury, but there is a real pleasure in having problems– the pleasure of figuring them out.  I discussed this with Kyla & she concurs. I believe the Mormons, scientologists, athletes, & other exceptional individuals I’ve encountered in the past month & a half would all agree.

Honestly, & perhaps this is premature as I’m only beginning Week 6, I feel that my mood is best during the hardest weeks.

As a sidenote, I’ve noticed the following general pattern in my temperament:

  • THURSDAY: methodical, meditative
  • FRIDAY: manic, delirious
  • SATURDAY: essentially normal
  • SUNDAY: total hibernation
  • MONDAY: happy, at home in schedule
  • TUESDAY: irritable– very
  • WEDNESDAY: bored & lazy

Weird, right?

Facing things

Facing things

I still had to 5. go grocery shopping (without leaving the chair, obviously).

I headed to the store, accompanied very generously by Kyla’s caregiver, Petra (pictured beside me).

Wow.  Rolling up even a slight incline is extremely difficult.  I made it myself most of the way but occasionally Petra had to step in.

Buying food wasn’t the hassle I thought it’d be.  I’ve always been an impulse shopper & I just grab whatever’s at eye level.  So this works just fine for me so far.

Petra helped carry the basket & groceries up to my apartment.  I wouldn’t have been able to do it myself, I realize.

Once in my apartment, we reached another ingenious solution to the bed problem– we took out the boxspring!  Or, more accurately, Petra took it out for me.  Now, using the transfer technique Kyla taught me, I should be able to transfer myself into bed.  Then she helped me move the stool (& my shower products– couldn’t reach those from wheelchair!) to the bathtub.  It’s hard not to feel guilty for accepting this help, despite knowing that I can’t really do anything to help myself.

Then Petra left.  & I put away the groceries.  How did it go, me in a wheelchair & all?  Check out the video.

Then I 6. made dinner. Kept things simple with a tuna melt.  Good call on my part, though the sandwich was fairly disgusting.  Doing things in a wheelchair really does take a lot longer. Especially with a dog underfoot.  Very grateful this apartment is so accessible though.

I still have to 7. read excerpts from a book on disability (Eli Clare’s book was out so Kyla provided me with a few alternatives) &  8.  Write a 500 word essay for Kyla.

Oh, I’ve also got to 9. Go to sleep & have good dreams. Well, as a child I was a lucid dreamer & I’ve always considered sleep one of my favorite hobbies (until this year, apparently) — but anyway, I’ve lost the knack for stuff like that & can’t guarantee what my dreams will be like tonight.

I am very, very, very, very, very tired.  & tomorrow will be a very long day.  I’m not sure what the blog will look like this week, but I feel I should remind you (as I often remind myself) that this blog is NOT the project.  My life is the project.  The blog is merely a medium by which I inform you of how the project is going.

I do love the comments though.  It’s nice to know I’m not shovelling everything into a void!  It would feel much lonelier, I think, & more meaningless without the eyes of hundreds of strangers on me.

I’m very excited for this week.  But Bella is worried.  I knew she knew the sound of my footsteps by heart, by the way.  But I did not know that she didn’t know my voice!  When I wheeled up to the door she started barking, & didn’t stop even when I reassured her.  Then she ignored me when I came in, excitedly greeting Petra.  When she realized it was me in the chair, she was very embarrassed, leapt into my lap, & started licking my face.

She’s not normally that demonstrative.  & now she is sticking much closer to me than usual.





Week 5, Day 5

11 08 2009

Well, I officially kind of love Mondays.  It seems by Monday of each week I really hit my stride.  My directives become natural & easy to accomplish.  Today, I even had plenty of time to read & have a nap!

But first things first.  The World Police & Fire Games ended on Sunday.  Obviously, I did not have time to 1. attend five events earlier in the week.  Also, my car is now uninsured & most of the events were held in cities outside Vancouver.

So, on my day off, I got a coffee (thanks, Salinger!) & trudged a mile through the rain to the Vancouver Convention Centre, which was listed as the day’s venue on the WPAG website.  There I was told that I would have to walk 30 minutes in the opposite direction to the Plaza of Nations, where there was only one event left.  They were doing something called Muster.  IMG_0665

This was the first assignment I seriously contemplated not completing.  But I thought that would set an unhealthy precedent, knew I should put in the effort, & went anyway.  Turns out that Muster is a test of muster.  Oh.

Teams of firemen competed to see who could set up a ladder, climb it, & hand up buckets of water to fill a big barrel on top of a platform the fastest.

I watched at least five competitions between ten countries.  I hold that these were discrete events & consider my mission accomplished!

After relaxing with a smoothie (unfortunately verboten during the working week) with Braden, I headed to Jess & Braden’s place & helped Jess set up her website.  No rest for the wicked!  Then we got some delicious Thai food & watched Bedazzled (the original version).  I think it parallels this project very closely.  But who am I?  Dudley Moore?  Or Peter Cook?  Rent it & tell me!

Also came up with many ingenious ideas for the project.  I am positively brimming with ingenuity these days.

Upon arriving home, I’d received Adam’s video clips!  I cobbled them together & they are very informative & funny, despite the unfortunate but apparently inevitable watermark.

He demonstrates the core exercises he’s assigned to me & then, as a lovely bonus, takes us on a tour of his high school bedroom & shows you what I wrote in his yearbook!  It was hilarious, if only to me.

Those of you interested in getting in shape should watch the core exercises in particular!  I’ve found them extremely beneficial & not so easy as they look.  Those of you merely interested in stalking me should skip the core exercises & watch the bedroom tour.  You’ll get an intimate glance of me at fifteen.

I am officially somebody who works even on my days off.  I’ve got to cut that out.

Anyway, this morning I was really on top of my game. I 2. woke up early & 3. did core & warm-up. Then Braden kindly let me into his building so I could 4. run 1.5 miles on their treadmill.  I did it in 15 minutes!  When I began, it took me over 11 minutes to run a mile.  This time, (I admit I walked one “lap”), a mile only took me 10!  I love seeing fast results.  Now, I feel like my muscles want to be active.  This is particularly difficult, as I’m exercising under the shadow of Week 6.  When I post the schedule, you’ll see what I mean!

Also, I 5. stretched.

The escorts across the street are making fun of me again.  They make fun of me because I’m always up late writing.  They probably think I’m playing some sort of internet game.  I suppose I am, but it’s a very exciting one.  Anyway, my reward is in heaven.

I went home for a shower then met Braden for lunch (so I could 6. eat a meal within an hour of my workout).  I had some potato leek soup & a 7. kale salad.

Goodness & fun are still mutually exclusive.

Goodness & fun are still mutually exclusive.

When I arrived home, I checked my mail.  To my delight, Ptolemy had sent me a book!  It’s his most famous one, Paradise Fever.  & he included a lovely autograph!  You should all buy it & read.  Then maybe you’ll understand why he’s so smart & interesting.

He's tied with Simon Armitage

He's tied with Simon Armitage

I’m getting quite a collection of interesting autographed books.  I got Amy Hempel to autograph one for Bella, & Simon Armitage gave me a lovely & very decorative autograph after a night of heavy drinking at Old Town.  Boy is my life exciting.

Once upstairs, with the help of a friend’s mother, I tracked down the number of one of my favorite high school teachers.  I called her, but she wasn’t in.  I 8. left a voicemail with my number.

Then I crawled into bed with my new book & the Chancellor.  Very compelling read!  Made it halfway thru then dozed.

Afterwards, got a wrap & went to Jess’s, where I helped her transcribe an interview for a documentary.  I love repetitive mindless labor, & this was no exception!  I’m now considering applying for a job as a transcriber (transcriptionist?), so I can transcribe things on my day off & make money for a new computer.  That should show you the abundance of energy I have these days!

Then we went bowling.  In a cool little place where the balls are little balls that don’t have holes in them, & there’s no computer for scoring (must admit, in Michigan I became a habitual bowler, if a very bad one).  We had some trouble figuring out the scoring, but once we managed, wow!  In our first game we both bowled under 100.  In the next two, Jess bowled 150 & 163 respectively!  She’s a natural.  I told her to join a bowling league.  I, on the other hand, remained in the much less impressive 60-80 range.

The bowling shark.

The bowling shark.

Now I’m home.  All I have left to do is 9. play a sport (or do a fun physical activity I can imagine myself doing consistently). Well, when I was at the store today, I picked up a jump rope.  I’m going to skip some rope before bed.  Don’t tell me that’s not a sport.  Bike riding & hiking were suggested options & my third grade self begs to differ.

I’ve also instituted a new fun idea!  I’m giving a gold star to my favorite comment each day.  Whoever gets the most gold stars by the end of the year will get a present from me!  I’m really good at giving presents, & I love doing it.  The first two have gone to Jacqueline & Ptolemy.  But who knows who will get one next!

There are other fun, participatory ideas that will soon be revealed.

Adam gave me some very useful tips on posture a few posts back.  So now I’m making sure to switch my purse carrying shoulder off each day.  & consciously lowering my right shoulder whenever possible.

Planning for my busy day & dinner party tomorrow!  & so am off to bed.  Keep up the good work everyone.





Week 5, Day 3

9 08 2009

Today might look like one of the easiest days.  In fact, it was one of the most taxing!

Also boring to hear about.  So this will be short.  In part, because there is a loud party upstairs & I can’t concentrate!  & also I wish I was there.

Nothing. Beets. This.

Nothing: beets, this.

Maybe because of all the excitement last night, I got off to a slow start.  Woke up late-ish (around 10:00), then prepared for my 1.5 mile run. I did a few minutes of core stretches, then warmed up.  Ran/walked a mile along the sea wall & then a mile back.  I’m not sure if I ran for a full 1.5 miles, but I made sure my heart rate was up the whole time.

I also experienced a runner’s high for the first time in my life!  Wow.  I can see how this gets addictive.  It was also fun to go along seeing other joggers &, also for the first time in my life, identifying with them.  Much of this project seems to be about recognizing cultural subsets of the population I’d never previously given much thought to & learning to identify with the people who belong to them.  Now, for the rest of my life, there will be a little jogger nested inside me.  With a Mormon missionary inside that.  & a piece of Hemingway.  etc.

It’s nice!  But you can see how sometimes it feels like my heart will explode.

Exercise feels great, but I don’t know if running is right for my attention span.  In case you haven’t noticed, pacing is not one of my specialties. I’m trying to think of something slightly less tedious that could give me the same physical benefits.  Swimming, maybe.  I love swimming.

Got home in time for a shower & stretching, then headed off to yoga class.  I absolutely loved the instructor.  I don’t think she was as fond of me, sadly. I think she mistook my fidgeting with my hair as concern for my appearance, instead of physical discomfort (it kept falling down!).  & my constant peeks in the mirror as vanity rather than self-loathing.  I didn’t mind.  It was a great class.  By the end of it I was flexible enough to rest my hands on the floor behind my heels!  Just a few days ago I could barely touch my toes.

I feel physically very good right now.  I’m lucky to have a body that gets into shape very quickly.  I can already see new musculature in my legs & abs.

I also had to go to dinner with friends & sing at least two songs in a karaoke bar. This all sounds very nice & laid back, but I know fewer than 20 people in this city.  I contacted every one of them.  Five are out of town, three didn’t get back to me, & the rest all work tonight!  It seemed nearly impossible & I got very irritable as a result. I’m tired of talking to strangers.  The last thing I wanted was to recruit strangers to sing karaoke with me!  It ALMOST came to that. I hope I have better luck with bowling & dancing.

What a lifesaver.

What a lifesaver.

Thankfully, I convinced Jess to sit with me while I ate my dinner.  I had found someone (emphasis on ONE!) to sing karaoke with me at 8:00 & Jess was racing around between jobs, so this was strictly a forty minute affair.

By the way, she’s on an assignment as a food photographer where she gets to go around taking pictures of the 150 things you have to eat in Vancouver before you die or something.  I am so jealous.  She showed me some of the photos & not only are they amazing, she also gets to EAT a lot of the food!  So while I subsist on two-day old leftover fish & blueberries (ok I do love blueberries), she’s having rabbit & scallops & ice cream!

Well, food is food.  I drowned my sorrows in a dirty martini &, for good measure, smothered them with very good golden beet salad with goat cheese & toasted pine nuts.

Our waiter was a charming guy & we thought it might be funny to take a picture with him.  He’s in a band called TV Heart Attack.  We couldn’t figure out how to pose, so we kind of pretended like I had a problem with my salad, like a bug on the leaf or something.  Don’t ask me why.

Waiter, there's a _____ in my ______.

Waiter, there's a _____ in my ______.

God works in mysterious ways.

Our new musician friend’s name is Jason.  So we (Jason, Jessica, & Emily) were a little common name triumverate.

Now I have to generate enough text to run alongside this picture.

I have ten thousand typing monkeys in my brain. Convenient! Time for your daily Shakespeare fix.

If all the year were playing holidays,
To sport would be as tedious as to work;

– Henry IV Part 1. I.ii

& there you have it.

Come to think of it, maybe I should place a Strictly Platonic personal ad called Desperately Seeking Falstaff.

Though I suppose I already have enough Falstaffs in my life.

I was supposed to have dinner with friends, you say.  Plural.  “One friend does not count!” you cry.  “You’re cheating!”  I am WAY ahead of you naysayers.  I pulled a two dinner maneuver with the help of my new friend Ray.  Ray is a very successful young Canadian writer.

Ray, who tried to pay.

Ray, who tried to pay.

He has about seventy books of poetry out & a cushy job as a professor at UBC.   I’ve only met him once.  But I am very glad he was game for being serenaded by me.

I ordered a beer 100x the size of his & subsequently emasculated him.  Also ate some hamachi, saba, & ikura.  As you can see, I’m putting everything I have into this project.  Not only did I have dinner with friends, I had dinners with them.

Then we got a private room in a karaoke place that was laid out like a brothel.  Or at least like a brothel I once saw in a documentary.

I don’t much like singing publicly or with strangers, but Ray was pretty perfect for this.  We opened our one hour act with “Puff the Magic Dragon.”  Though sad that “A Whole New World” was not in the big karaoke book, we managed pretty well with “Tiny Dancer” & “Paint it Black” & “Karma Police” among others.

I wanted to sing “Paint it Black” because of my mood.  It was extremely satisfying for me.

Karaoke for two is actually pretty fun.  I think you should all try it sometime.  Even if the people who work at the place think you’re crazy.

So.  I accomplished all of today’s directives. By the skin of my teeth, but still.  I was also supposed to attend at least five events at the World Police & Fire Games sometime this week.  Blah!  No time earlier, obviously.  & the games are over tomorrow.  So I will demonstrate my commitment to this project by attending them tomorrow, on my day off. On my day off.

If I look hard enough into the setting sun...

If I look hard enough into the setting sun...

Well, no rest for the wicked.  I’ll see you all on Monday!  Adam’s been traveling, but, barring technical difficulties, you’ll see him too.  On YouTube.





Week 5, Day 1

6 08 2009

I’m so glad that this week God has taken the form of a benevolent personal trainer.  Today felt almost like real life!

Photo credit: Jessica Earnshaw

Photo credit: Jessica Earnshaw

All week I’m supposed to eat healthy, drink only water (& alcohol, thanks!), & have at least one salad a day.

But I also have a list of other directives!

I woke up this morning & 1. weighed myself (bought a scale last night).  A lady doesn’t tell her weight– suffice to say, it’s between 121.7 & 121.9 lbs.  I then spent some time on the phone with last week’s convert, Andrew.  I told him several times that 2. my passion bucket was overflowing. (After this, I confess, I forgot to say it again.  Sorry, Adam!)

Andrew thoughtfully provided some commentary on his experience in the comments section a few posts back. I encourage you all to read & provide feedback!  Faith is a lonely journey, as you’ve seen, & he hasn’t had the brainwashing practise I’ve had.  So in many ways, I think conversion was much harder on him.

After I got off the phone with Andrew, Adam gave me some core exercises over the phone!  Can’t wait for his video, when he’ll show us how to do them properly.

Potato salad doesn't count.

Potato salad doesn't count.

On my way to the shoe store, I got some lunch.  Miso soup, toro sashimi, & a seaweed 3. salad. Ding!  I also drank some green tea.  It was free.  Does that count as water?  If it’s hot water flavored with herbs, does it count?  Tell me, Adam!  I need to know.

I purchased an orange t-shirt for tomorrow’s football game & dropped it off at a printing place.  THIS IS PART OF A PROJECT it says on the front.  & the back has our URL.  Someone suggested that this was cheating.  Not so!  a) I invented the game here, do you think I don’t know my own rules?  b) Ask any lawyer what (s)he thinks about it.

No more claims that I’m “cheating” are allowed!

I then 4. purchased some running shoes (under $80! Down from $130!).  Also some socks.  I’m so girly that I only have one pair.  For everything else I do, stockings or bare feet suffice.

During all this, Twitter was down!  I’ve provided the lost Twitters for your amusement.

  1. 12:39 PM “I choose to believe that unsweetened tea IS water.”
  2. 12:48 PM “Nothing brightens one’s day like instrumental Japanese renditions of ‘Turkey in the Straw’”
  3. 2:19 PM “There is no such thing as cheating!!!! Next person to say so will be first against the wall.”

I met up with my friend, Jess, around 4:00.  She has a gym in her building.  She took some BEFORE pics of me, because I want this week to be like The Biggest Loser.

Photo credit: Jessica Earnshaw

Photo credit: Jessica Earnshaw

Photo credit: Jessica Earnshaw

Photo credit: Jessica Earnshaw

Nothing like posting pictures of yourself in spandex on the internet to take your ego down a notch!  I will say though, that I’m not so wildly disproportionate as I appear.  My arms are not, in fact, longer than my legs.  My feet are actually about twice as large as they appear.  & my thighs are certainly not eleven times thicker than my calves.  Will someone who knows me testify that this is the truth!

Not that I’m denigrating her skill as a photographer.

After doing some 5. core exercises I forgot to warm up!!  Then I 6. ran a mile, or what I presume was a mile, on the treadmill.  It didn’t say if it was miles or kilometers.  But I am thinking that there is no way it could take me ELEVEN MINUTES to run a kilometer.  I think it takes less time to walk one. Anyway, I know that eleven minutes is a long time for a mile.  I did walk for a minute in the middle.  But I haven’t done any running since the sixth grade!  When I failed the presidential fitness test, of course.  Because it took me eleven minutes to run a mile then too.

I went home & 7. took a shower. Good thing Adam told me to do that.  The etiquette of personal hygiene has always been a mystery to me.

That was a joke.

Kailyn, of blind date setting up fame, has found someone to go to the football game with me tomorrow!  I talked to him on the phone today & I’m so excited & glad I don’t have to do this alone!  Kailyn is proving to be an excellent ally, especially if you consider that I’ve only met her twice!

My new t-shirt will be happy to have company.

There's no such thing as cheating.

There's no such thing as cheating.

I’m tired, guys.  & nervous for the coming week.

He thinks we're engaged. He wears his tuxedo every day, just in case.

He thinks we're engaged. He wears his tuxedo every day, just in case.

The Chancellor is not nervous.  He continues to find new & exciting ways to chase his tail.  Lately, he likes to climb onto the arms of the captain’s chair & dangle upside down.  Then he’ll rest for awhile.  Look at his impeccable balance!

This is what I saw whenever I looked up from creating a Facebook invite for Tuesday’s dinner party.

Anyway, my mother’s in town.  Ok, it’s her place that I’m living in & everything, but I wouldn’t let her in because it is too messy.  But she brought me a big box of blueberries, yum.  I ate some in the elevator.

Then we went for Chinese food!  It was delicious.  We got some steamed prawns with garlic, crab & corn soup, minced duck in lettuce wraps, & steamed sea bass & tofu in ginger & green onion sauce.  I also drank some more water flavored with herbs.  The duck had some fried things mixed into it.  I tried to pick them out but one or two small pieces may have found their way in anyway.

This is the best of the bunch.

This is the best of the bunch. We're both blurry & I'm halfway through a blink!

We tried to take some self-pics on my iPhone but they didn’t turn out that well.

We spent a long time gossiping about the project & the commenters (she is clearly an avid reader of this blog!  Apparently, so is her accountant– Hi, Gerry!)  I haven’t seen her since before the project began, so it was fun to rehash everything that’s happened & chat about the participants & the funny comments I receive.

I love that you guys all post with your real names (with the exception of one new follower).  It’s so much easier to attach these personalities to real human beings!

Also, apparently some people switched lives for two months awhile ago & they both went insane.  Do you think I’m going to go insane?  My mother hopes not.  But it would probably make for interesting reading.  I’m sure Ptolemy would have a lot to say about it if so.

All I have left to do today is 8. Attempt to set up a job interview. At first I was going to create a fake resume & a fake name, but that didn’t feel morally right to me.  Though I’m a master of manipulating the truth, I don’t ever lie!  I don’t know if I’m capable.  I puzzled & puzzled till my puzzler was sore (Seuss) & finally I’ve reached the perfect solution.  I’m going to send my real resume to every service job listing on craigslist tonight.  Real name too.

If I get any interviews, despite the fact that I lack FoodSafe & service experience, but can bring a lot of irrelevant skills like a publicity work, experience with children, & an MFA in poetry, I will take it as a sign from God that I need to go & make a statement about “corporate whoredom.”  Somehow, when there are frequently over 100 applicants for a single service job, I doubt I’ll get any bites.

Now all I want to do is curl up in a ball & never see anyone ever again!  I have such an extroverted week ahead of me. Since I don’t know anyone in this city, a lot of fun things like “bowling!” actually require the energetic recruitment of strangers & near strangers.  The majority of people I invited to my party are people I’ve only met once!  But obviously I will soldier on.  I mean, think about bowling alone.

Anyway, you know what else?  Look at the fortune cookies we got. They answer each other.

Mine

Mine

My mother's

My mother's

P.S. My mother, fearing for my life, made a donation towards wrist guards for my Tuesday rollerblading.  She wanted to make a donation for shin guards, knee & elbow pads, & a helmet too.  But I politely declined.  The wrist guards, I think, are a reasonable enough concession.