the Chancellor « Emily, Lived By:

Week 10, Day 5

14 09 2009

LivedByBanner

Your intrepid heroine donned a garter belt & gothic enough clothing & headed out to a fetish club where, though somewhat overdressed, she was admitted entrance on the grounds that she was The Ultimate Sub. She also shared some of her very good gothic poetry with you.

***

Now, Ben’s 1. banner behind us, I can dispense with the third person & carry on with my account of GEEK WEEK Day 5. Science Day.

This morning, I was to 2. conduct a science experiment in the comfort of my own home. I’m also supposed to 3. blog about it & 4. include pictures. My experiment was pretty groundbreaking, if I do say so myself. Just look at this lab report!

I. STATEMENT OF THE PROBLEM:
Can I predict &/or determine the future?

II. HYPOTHESIS:
Yes. I will test this hypothesis by spinning a coin 100 times, predicting that the final tally will be approximately 60% tails & 40% heads.

Materials:

My assistant with the supplies

One (1) Canadian quarter
One (1) small notepad
One (1) fine-point retractable Sharpie pen.
One (1) myself
One (1) The Chancellor
One (1) psychic vision
Time & money

III. PROCEDURE:
After recording my prediction, I sat cross-legged on the floor (facing slightly northwest, with an open window behind me) & spun the quarter 100 times (in 10 sets of 10). The Queen was heads & the stag was tails, as usual. On the 49th spin I began touching The Chancellor for luck during each spin, when he was available. The phone rang once in the 80s & I answered it. It was TD. He had some funny stories to tell me about my archenemy & exploding (two words; sounds like “heart shapes”.) After chatting for twelve minutes, I resumed spinning.

IV. RESULTS:

Before intervention by Chance, tails & heads occurred with precisely 50/50 regularity. With Chance on my side, however, the coin landed on Tails slightly more than 58% of the time. Every round with the Chancellor by my side resulted in a strict 60/40 ratio, with the exception of round 9 when the telephone rang, Chancellor stalked off in a jealous snit, & TD’s haplessness briefly rubbed off on me. I got 50/50 that time.

Final tally?

Round 1: T H T H H T T H H H
Round 2: H T T T H H T H T T
Round 3: H H T H H T T T H T
Round 4: T T H H T H T H T T
Round 5: T T H H T H T H T T
Round 6: H T T H H T T T T H
Round 7: T T T T H T H T H H
Round 8: H T T H T T T H T H
Round 9: H T T T H H H H T T
Round 10: T T H T T H T T H H

Total:

Tails: 55
Heads: 45

V. CONCLUSION:
It’s just as I suspected: I can loosely predict &/or determine my future &/but I’m nothing without the Chancellor. You can try to replicate this experiment at home with a black cat of your own if you wish, but it probably won’t work for you because most people aren’t magic like me & the Chancellor.

Precisely what the coin saw

Also, don’t go gambling with TD, whatever you do.

***

After this little experiment, I was ready for my next big adventure. I grabbed some lunch with Braden & then we headed to 5. Science World!

Who am I? Guess. I like blue sweaters & water taxis.

Once we arrived I attempted to strike the nerdiest possible pose in front of a sign about putting the “GEEEE” in genome. I think I did pretty good! The first time in my life that I’ve ever EVER done double peace signs in a picture!

omgenome

We only had an hour & fifteen minutes before closing, but we thought that would be plenty of time. Braden bought some popcorn. & then the fun began!

What a slow poke

We tested our reflexes. I was slightly faster, which leads me to think it was rigged.

Then we played Mind Ball, which is a relaxation contest. You strap something on your head & your relaxation waves move a ball in the middle to one side or another. I won the first round! I relaxed myself by reciting Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven” in my head.

Braden pondered, weak & weary

Then we tested our grips.

Concentration &/or consternation

I have no grip at all. In fact, I was banned from the school’s monkey bars as a child because I would always let go in the middle & hurt myself. So this recalled painful memories for me.

Absolutely gripping!

But look at Braden! What a he-man.

Then we tried to fit in a tiny little glass box. If you can fit in, the sign told us, you’re probably double jointed.

Will I need some dismembering?

Not if I have anything to do with it!

The blur is me pulling my elbow in, I’ll have you know. I made it!

There's more than one peculiar angle in play here

There's more than one peculiar angle at play here

But no cigar

Braden was close. Maybe next time?

We had a wheelchair race (he won) & conducted various other experiments. We also spent some time with optical illusions.

You know the kind

Then we lost each other. Because we were so immersed in science!

I learned about facial symmetry & harnessed wind, water, & so forth to power some musical robots. I also turned a hand crank to run a small television. What would it show me? What would it show me?

It showed me myself! Turning a crank. WOW! I shouted, with the same delight a monkey would feel. I dropped the crank & the picture vanished. So I turned it & turned it & turned it some more, then ran off to find Braden. I guess he’d been spending some time in the giant hamburger.

Also, there was a fake garbage dump. But he saw a real mouse in it! Funny, right?

I showed him the symmetry machine.

Oh it's SO symbolic guys.

& then we aged our faces by 30 years. According to Braden, 70 year old me bears an uncanny resemblance to Ptolemy. But I think he flatters me.

Soon, to our horror, Science World was about to close. We ran down to play one more game of Mind Ball.

I won once, and nevermore.

Braden won that round. I was too anxious about the looming specter of Week 11! Guys, I’m pretty sure it is going to be the craziest week yet. I don’t want to give much away, but suffice to say my primary fear is getting arrested &/or repeatedly thrown out of places & I expect to spend a lot of time unwinding with a kazoo.

But back to the present. Perfect. We had ten minutes so we ran around looking at more things. We missed at least two whole exciting rooms!

A little suggestive of an oyster

In a room full of dinosaur bones, I accidentally put my mouth on the paw of a taxidermied beaver which had really seen better days. How like me. Then we sat & watched some honeybees in a narrow little hive with a window on either side. It’s nice to know they’re still out there somewhere!

Then with minutes to spare we ventured into what was probably the best & most exciting room. But we didn’t have time for anything. We only had time to hoist ourselves up with some ropes.

I wish I had one of these things on my balcony

Barack Obama called Kanye West a jackass, by the way! I love my president!

We were high as very low kites by then!

Go, science!

It’s much higher up than it looks.

Anyway, it was time to go home. We passed the casino where Braden stopped in to use the washroom. Wasn’t I nineteen? the bouncer asked & didn’t I want to come in? “Oh I’m trying to avoid the slots” I said. He said that was a very good call.

We made our ways merrily home. After taking my leave of Braden, I stopped at the 7-11 where I bought an industrial-sized bag of 6. Miss Vickie’s Salt & Vinegar chips. Ate far too many & washed it all down with root beer. Texting Elizabeth (back in Ann Arbor) furiously. It’s 40 cents per text to the US but Elizabeth is worth every penny. & there is SO much gossip.

No 7. QAPLA’s or 8. maj’s for me, today, alas, as I simply haven’t had the occasion. Also, I can’t watch my Mad Men until I watch some of 9. The Prisoner. My package from amazon.ca still hasn’t arrived. So much for next day delivery! Who runs the Canadian postal service? It must be Canadians. Anyway, YouTube it is.

Speaking of deliveries, Ben has not provided my geeky t-shirt for tomorrow. If I were him, I’d drop it off at Elfsar before work or during lunch. Otherwise, I’m going to continue to dress like the indolent floozy I am, which won’t be very enlightening at all.

Anyway, look at me! I’m nearly done with Day 5 & I have plenty of time to spare. I’m definitely afraid of Week 11, but I’ve also been proven by science to be magic. So I shouldn’t worry too much about anything ever.

Comments : 25 Comments »
Tags: 7-11, adventures, angles, Ann Arbor, appearances are deceiving, archenemies, arrest, banners, Barack Obama, beavers, blogging, blur, boxes, Braden, butterfly tattoos, casinos, cats, chance, childhood, chips, closing, coins, competition, conclusions, correspondence, cranks, craziness, crystals, delivery, dinosaurs, dismembering, double-jointedness, dumps, Edgar Allan Poe, elbows, ELFSAR, Elizabeth, experiments, fakeness, fun, games, gamling, garter belts, geek week, gossip, grip, hamburgers, he-men, heads, high, hoisting, honeybees, hypotheses, intervention, jealousy, Kanye, kazoos, kites, lab reports, letting go, looking, loss, low, luck, machines, Mad Men, magic, memory, mice, Mind Ball, monkey bars, monkeys, nerds, optical illusions, packages, peace signs, poetry, popcorn, poses, postal service, predicting the future, predictions, reality, recitation, reflexes, regularity, relaxation, rooms, ropes, science, science experiments, Science World, spinning, sweaters, symmetry, t-shirts, tails, taxidermy, TD, telephone, television, texting, the Chancellor, the color blue, the future, The Prisoner, The Raven, third person, time, turning, Ultimate Sub, unwinding, washroom, water taxis, wheelchairs, windows, winning, witches, worry
Categories : Uncategorized

Week 10, Day 2

11 09 2009

Thus, another long & unproductive day of GEEK WEEK comes to a close. My brain is adequately dulled by hours spent playing online 1. role-playing games, my naturally comely physique is suffering from a diet of sugar, powdered cheese, & food coloring, & I have very few pictures to show for it, since I only left my house for a trip to 7-11 & the comic store. All in all, enormously fulfilling.

Our friend Trafford has suggested that I 2. include a banner of his own design on each of my geek week entries. Oh, all right!

Well, the highlight of my day was obviously reading fairy-tale themed pornography on the floor of ELFSAR, the best & only comic store I’ve ever been to. You can read the whole episode on the post below.

Now the lovely banner is out of the way & we can proceed!

Before I got out of my bed, I lay in awhile longer. I read some comic book pornography with the Chancellor.

The Chancellor is my favorite eunuch.

Sadly, it failed to impress. Sorry, local artist! There were hardly any pictures & I found the text obscene without being particularly titillating. If you enjoy reading exuberantly filthy male fantasy, I’d recommend Nicholson Baker’s The Fermata instead. I finished it a few weeks ago. It’s about a temp who can freeze time & uses his powers to undress women. Vulgar, very fun, & literary to boot. Though I can’t promise you won’t find it offensive.

I read some 3. Sandman last night, though, as per my orders. & I loved it!

ANYWAY.

This morning I was supposed to 4. go to the Vancouver Gaming Guild website to see if I could find someone to play a role-playing game with me tonight. I went, but it didn’t look very busy. Furthermore, I’d decided to take a commenter’s suggestion & do online role playing instead. What can I say? I’m a geek. I suffer from crippling social anxiety & self-diagnosed Asperger’s syndrome.

In the afternoon it was recommended that I 5. research role-playing games. What a kind recommendation! But I was too busy wiling away the hours on Facebook to get around to it.

I made some Kraft Dinner. That’s a geek food, I think. It was not as good as I remember it from my childhood.

I grow more attractive by the day!

Do you see my snake shirt? It’s one of favorites. I bought it for $5 at a store that was going out of business in Ann Arbor. Normally it was at least 12 times more expensive! I bought it because I a) liked the Biblical implications & b) TD is terrified of snakes. But today I thought I should wear it because it is geeky. I’m not sure why it’s geeky but I just have a feeling.

Then I was ready to shirk my errands. In favor of a much more interesting errand that had occurred to me!

What is this errand, you cry? Tell us, Emily! (exploding with love for me)

Well, a lot of people want to send me things. But I’m a lady, & I simply don’t give out my address to strangers on the internet. It’s not because it’s not safe– I have a vicious dog, a formidable security system, & a wholly American love of heavy artillery, plus itchy trigger finger, balcony, large pots, easily-heated oil. But it’s not dignified to give out one’s address.

I was going to get a P.O. Box, but yesterday (while lying on the floor of Elfsar), I was struck with a brilliant idea. Maybe Elfsar could be my post office! Then I’d have an excuse to go back there periodically, despite an almost total lack of interest in comic books. & it’s much more fun than picking up packages from a post office. Then I have other people to delight in my spoils with me! Also, the scenery is better. I ran it by Ethan over email last night & this afternoon headed over. I’m paying them about what I’d pay the post office & they’ll hold my packages for me.

ALSO, I’m going to record every package-receiving excursion. Not in text… certainly not. Nor in photographs — how old fashioned! Video? Well that sounds tedious…

I’ll make little comic strips! I like to be as multimedia as possible these days. So anytime I get a package, you’ll see a little comic about it. Rudimentary, perhaps. But appropriate.

My mailing address is now:

Emily Zinnemann
C/O Elfsar Comics & Toys
1007 Hamilton Street
Vancouver, BC
CANADA V6B 5T4

I love this address as if it were my very own.

Send whatever you want, whenever you want, & I’ll make sure to incorporate it into the project somehow. Of course, you should know you have no control over HOW I’ll incorporate it.

Anyway, I went down to Elfsar (laden with dog food) to see my new best friends. Omar & Ethan! How I love you! A man named Matheus was there too. I bought my package rights for three months plus a Coke.

The guys told me they’d checked the comments & some guy had written a really long one. Let me guess. Ptolemy? Yeah! (They had no trouble with his name, I’ll have you know). They gave me the gist of it, told me it was a one act play, & I was struck with another brilliant idea.

Did they want to act it out? They didn’t seem to want to, exactly, but this was no time to be coy!!

I raced home & fed the dog & got my computer & raced back!

Wow they were good. They only took one take. I kept messing up the end, however.

Results?

I think I speak for all of us when I say 6. QAPLA’! Also, um, 7. maj’

Who knew geeks could be so handsome & talented?

As a sidenote, apparently Ben Trafford came by the store early this morning, seeking Omar for a duel of some sort. Unfortunately for everyone, Omar wasn’t in. Mr. Trafford is apparently a thin man with a pointed goatee! He bought a Coke. That’s all I know.

I left the store & headed to 7-11, where I bought 7. food traditionally associated with gaming [...] Nothing too fancy, and nothing that takes too much time to do. I was still very full from my awful KD, & rather at a loss. But I hit upon it. NERDS! Obviously, those are associated with gaming. I also picked up some Sour Whips (haha — whips) & a slurpee. I think I should get extra geek points for mixing Coca-Cola & cream soda flavors. So there’s my dinner.

Once home, I 8. Watched some Prisoner. A clip on YouTube where the guy shouts he’s Not a number! Very excited for real thing.

Then I 9. Went forth & gamed.

I looked around a little for free online RPG’s but nothing really struck my fancy. Then I hit upon it. I should google RPG’s for girls. I found a lovely website full of girly games.

The first game I played was called “Get a Life.” I found that appropriate. It was similar to my Janet-From-Sales idea. I could do a few exciting things like “Beg for change from Mom” or “Sleep” or “Go to class.” I spent a few minutes playing but I couldn’t figure out how to get my character’s Happiness score up. Though I kept going to the bar to buy drinks, I kept going into negative Happiness points so I got bored & quit. How eerily portentious.

Next I played “Tattoo Artist.” I had to stay in the lines. Next!

“Perfect Wedding Cake” was much more fun. It told me:

Get married is the most sweet and happy thing in one’s life.But a perfect wedding cake is isdispensable part for it.Give you this chance for making a sweet perfect cake to couple of lovers.Best wishes!

I created a beautiful concoction. It had a live butterfly, a ballerina, pink roses, a teddy bear — the works!

Then I played a few more. I made breakfast sandwiches to order, ran a little bakery, & also played “Octomom,” in which I was hired as Octomom’s nanny & I had to feed the babies whatever they wanted or they’d be taken away by social services.

But none of these seemed dangerously addictive.

Finally I hit upon FARM MANIA. I’m might keep playing once I’m done with this post. I have a little farm of my very own. I’ve done so well that I have sheep & lettuce & two varieties of melon, also geese, two buckets, a double-sided hoe — wow, the works.

All I have left to do is 10. email my mother to tell her the gaming geeks didn’t eat me (of course not. All I’ve been doing is scaring off virtual rabbits) & 11. Read Sandman before bed.

If you think this is boring, blame GeekMaster Trafford — not me. As if I have any control over all of this! I’ll spend the rest of this Friday night updating the tags on past entries, like a true Geek.

That’s right. Tag, Virtual Farm, & Email. For tomorrow I Goth.

Comments : 21 Comments »
Tags: my mother, video, suffering, Coke, the future, trouble, comments, food, correspondence, comic books, drinking, the Chancellor, addiction, Ptolemy, interest, love, balconies, BFF's, happiness, nerds, terror, ingenuity, brilliance, YouTube, yesterday, the internet, Facebook, dog food, talent, control, research, websites, the Bible, brain, orders, results, Ann Arbor, games, commenters, dinner, delight, late rising, errands, dignity, girls, Americanisms, pornography, recommendation, snakes, Nicholson Baker, dullness, length, spoils, packages, highlights, Trafford, titillation, geek week, geeks, The Prisoner, comic book stores, ELFSAR, Sandman, obscenity, 7-11, Kraft Dinner, unproductivity, role playing, my comely physique, diet, sugar, powdered cheese, food coloring, fulfillment, fairy tales, episodes, male fantasy, gaming, Asperger's, social anxiety, childhood memories, discounts, shirking, mail attention, guard dogs, security, heavy artillery, trigger finger, pots, oil, comic strips, mailing address, incorporation, names, plays, the gist of it, good looks, goatees, getting a life, wedding cakes, Octomom, Farm Mania
Categories : Uncategorized

Week 10, Day 1

11 09 2009

Woke up very wobbly from the casino last night! Felt a curious lightness without my Coin of Destiny. But at least Week 9 really went out with a bang! Sometimes it seems like every Wednesday is New Years Eve.

But now I’m born again… again. Welcome to Day 1 of GEEK WEEK!

This week, I’m being lived by a brave understudy: Ben Trafford! Some of you might be familiar with him by now. He’s having me do all sorts of nerdy things– read his bizarrely formatted schedule & you should get the picture.

The Chancellor doesn't like geeks. He's sleeping on the couch!

After hobbling downstairs for some coffee I hobbled back up again. Today was actually bright & sunny! I wanted to work on my tan. Can you be a geek & have a tan? Well, the answer is irrelevant, as I was too busy. I had to 1. write Ben a 500 word essay with my thoughts on geekdom. I was generous & gave him over a thousand. I led him on a truly magical journey, liberally peppered with chummy personal anecdotes & candid self-examination.

"I'll take the balcony, loser!"

In it, I come to the conclusion that while I share a geek’s love of art, pop culture, & trivia,

[...] the world of make-believe stopped interesting me as a child. I like my reading & viewing material to be hyper-real, ultra-real, fiction that helps unlock the reality I inhabit. The mysteries I’m fascinated by are the real mysteries of the unknowable world that is actually around us, rather than constructed mysteries of a simpler fantasy world. I don’t know if I could say that I’m an escapist. I think I might be the opposite. But my experience of the world is so opposite to escapism that it actually ends up approaching it. I may embody escapism’s mirror image.

This may be a luxury afforded to me by my high IQ, admirable pedigree, & stunning good looks. If I were somebody else, I can imagine wanting to escape to a simpler & more just world. As it is, I don’t need simplicity or justice. Actually, the only thing I need is a maid.

I don’t consider it a day until I’ve mis-misrepresented myself on the internet.

My lovely little essay also includes several keywords I think that geeks might like. Words like:

hamster, Ancient Egypt, Trekkies, cheerleader, midriff, skinny-dipping, student council, schoolgirl uniform, suicide poetry, child bride, schizophrenia, instant message, livejournals, S&M, childfree, Star Wars, Harry Potter, comic books, fantasy, computers, Marvel, Klingon, internetspeak, Star Trek, escapism

I sent it along to Ben, along with my choice of 2. Klingon word #2. I must work “maj’” into everyday speech when I feel like it. Funnily enough, I haven’t really felt like it. Which isn’t to say everything isn’t maj’. I’m also supposed to say 3. QALPA’! anytime someone impresses me or bids me farewell. Well, lots of people have said bye to me, but no one has yet bade me farewell. & since I am always impressed by everything, for practical reasons I can’t say it whenever someone impresses me! Or else my speech would be replaced entirely with QALPA QALPA QALPA QALPA QALPA QALPA & we wouldn’t get anywhere. I only managed a few today, but I’m sure I’ll work it in more in the future.

Anyway, I went to the video store to 4. get The Prisoner but they didn’t have it. Harder to find than the Criterion Collection, even! & I still had to go 5. hang out at a comic book store. I’ve ordered the series from Amazon & it should arrive Monday-ish. Till then, 6. no other TV! That shouldn’t be hard. I don’t watch TV anymore.

I figured the comic book store might close at 5:00 so I rushed on over to make it there shortly before four. After all, I had to 7. spend at least a full hour there! Made it by about 3:40 & thus began my education at ELFSAR.

Not quite sure what I was supposed to be doing, I approached the guys at the front desk, Ethan (owner & proprieter) & Omar. Told them I’d need to hang out for an hour. First, did they have the 8. Sandman series? Second, did they need help with anything? Like unpacking boxes? I mean what else would I do in an hour? I could tell from their responses they thought that was pretty weird. They explained that people hang out in comic book stores all the time. Oh. I never realized that these places are hang outs. I thought they were just places where you buy things!

I was kind of at a loss as to what to do. I asked them about role playing games & Klingon. I don’t know what kind of geek Mr. Trafford is, but he said that role playing games last 4-8 hours normally. These guys said they can be as short as an hour! & that four hours is a long time. Relief! I’ve got to do one of those games tomorrow. Sounds like it won’t be the chunk of time I thought.

Then Omar politely showed me where the Sandman was.

He pretends to show me for the very first time.

WHAT? It was four enormous volumes that would’ve taken up almost my entire budget. Ridiculous! No way! But wait… I pulled up Trafford’s directives & consulted Omar very seriously about them. There must be a loophole. There must. There must.

Omar & I discovered we both love e.e. cummings.

Where is the loophole?

Omar & I discovered we both like Yeats.

Where is the loophole?

Omar & I debated the grammar in Ben’s phrasing: You must get either Neil Gaiman’s Sandman or Warren Ellis’ Transmetropolitan series of graphic novels.

I hold that I was not legally required to get the Sandman series & thus could get only one book. Omar thinks that for my case to stand up in court a comma would be needed somewhere. Hmmm.

Then he hit upon it! There are lots of Sandman series.

Them's just jokes, baby.

I picked up TWO, because I am a kind & generous overachiever. Omar & Ethan, fluent in all things geek, assured me my logic was airtight!

I just had another half an hour or so to kill. Not so bad! But what else was I to do.

Suddenly it struck me. Did they have cartoon pornography?

YES! Omar helped me find some erotic comics, exactly to my taste!! One of them is by a local artist called Cinema Sewer. Adults Only! I got the “Shocking Times Square Special!” — can’t wait to break that out of the plastic.

& then, THEN I found out that there are erotic comics based on fairytales! Be! Still! My! Heart! I picked up some sort of preview edition of Beyond Wonderland. Perfect for the project.

I'm sorry there's gum on it.

Omar also showed me a delightful book, wrapped in plastic, that was very thick & fancy looking. It’s called Lost Girls & it’s banned in the UK. It’s full of the pornographic exploits of various fairy-tale characters like Dorothy Gale & Jack (of Beanstalk fame) & Alice & so on. Wow! I kind of lusted after it, but it was over $50 & I hadn’t even seen inside. So I reluctantly set it aside.

Comics ARE fun. At this point, euphoria set in. I experience a lot of euphoria lately. Omar & Ethan were my very first mentors! They guided me through my conversion experience & once I was one of them we were ready to have fun.

We celebrated with lightsaber fights!

By George! I think she's got it!

Only the good (comic book store proprieters) die young!

It was so fun I could barely stand it! We started to talk about the exact nature of the project & this week’s participant (After explaining, I said: 9. “Hey, you sass that hoopy Ben Trafford? There’s a frood who really knows where his towel is!” — whatever that means).

Then we hit on a great great idea. They could comment on my blog from the store, right before my eyes! In my very presence.

Wonderful!

& they then composed a comment more masterful & hilarious than my wildest dreams. You’ll see it under this week’s schedule. But I want it preserved for posterity here:

Exploiting loopholes with this strange girl who has entered our shop. Our Geek is stronger than your geek, Ben. Maybe one day you will meet her too, and we have never even heard of her. She played with our lightsabers Ben and she liked it, in fact she is playing with them again as we speak. She has been seduced by the dark side of our force.

Ben,
we looked at your directives and found your lack of geek disturbing, come visit us and learn from the masters.
http://www.elfsar.com

These guys have blown all other gold star candidates out of the water. I paced around the store laughing hysterically for around half an hour. (“Like the laughter of children” said Omar). By now I’d spent much longer there than required. It was past 5:00! Ethan headed out & I decided I’d leave too, but first… oh I was very dizzy. I faint sometimes. & last night took a lot out of me! I just needed to… sit down for a moment & catch my breath.

I sat down with my head on my knees. But even the chair seemed awfully high. I crawled to the ground. “This is so embarrassing!” But Omar assured me that he sees much stranger behavior all the time. He fetched me a little cup of water & an Ugly Doll for a pillow. Oh, Omar. He’s so dreamy. I’m not sure if it’s a Geek Week version of Stockholm Syndrome or what, but I think Omar is seriously dreamy. He’s probably taken, but ladies, if not– RUN, don’t walk, over to Elfsar & try to pick him up!

I lay on the ground for awhile.

Today I am all funny faces

At first I would try to sit up when people came into the store but then I realized that a comic book store is the absolute best place to behave like a weirdo. Even though I was doubled over on the ground laughing quietly to myself & using a doll as a pillow, most people did not even give me a single glance! Have I found my people? Well, not exactly… but maybe I will stop by Elfsar every now & then for naptime. I also have another project related idea that incorporates the store. But we’ll see.

When I sat up, Omar treated me to a blue Powerade (yuck, but good for me? “Do geeks drink this?” I asked. & he said yes & told me about the history of Gatorade). Then, he even took the aforementioned Lost Girls out of the plastic! & I read it while I recovered. It was VERY obscene!

Storytime comes after naptime.

So fun. I can’t believe I got to spend so much of the day sitting on the floor of a store with a stuffed animal, reading pornography & being waited on by handsome men! I recovered around 6:45 & left just before closing at 7:00pm.

The only problem is that I don’t really like comic books. Why can’t other stores be as fun as this one?

Anyway, I hope the men at Elfsar know they can help me exploit my loopholes anytime.

I returned home, ordered The Prisoner, then spent some time 10. link-following or whatever Trafford calls it? Then I headed out to 7-11. I thought that in order to think like a geek I should probably eat like a geek. So I got some ramen noodles, dill pickle flavored potato chips, Kraft Dinner, & Dr. Pepper. (I was supposed to 11. drink something fizzy & caffeinated).

Chancellor's tender ministrations are probably inspired by Omar

Then, after a light appetizer of pickle chips, I dined on ramen & egg. Then I 12. watched the intro to The Prisoner, which was all I could find online.

I also watched The Prisoner.

You know the one.

I thought a bathroom mirror self-pic, especially with mirror-face, especially with a sign, especially if said sign contained allusion to Pinky & the Brain, would be appropriate for Geek Week. Also, before you ask, I wrote it backwards. But that doesn’t make me a geek. DaVinci entertained himself similarly, I believe.

Now all I have left to do is 13. read my Sandman before turning in. Tomorrow I have to do some role-playing, blahh. I still don’t exactly know what it is. I talked to a few guys in Elfsar about it & asked them if there’s anyway I could do a really boring kind. Like I’d really like to do a roleplaying game where I’m Janet from Sales & I’ve got to return some pillowcases but Madison gets out of daycare at 6:00 & I don’t know if I’ll have enough time anyway how will I stop the dog from chewing on the coffee-table & does my husband still find me attractive? But apparently nobody does that kind of role-playing. Maybe I can invent it.

So tired! Hope I don’t faint while walking the dog.

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Week 9, Day 2

5 09 2009

What an awfully long day. I hardly know where to begin! My feet, yes, are aching from walking all over the city in heels, but physical pain is easy to transcend. I am, however, psychologically & intellectually exhausted. I’ve been ON from the moment I woke up. Already I’m… seeing stars?

Where shall we start? Where shall we– star!

Try not to star

I suppose that now is a good time to tell you that today I have a 1. STARRING problem. The Coin of Destiny has decided that each day I’ll let one of my commenters provide me with an either/or directive. I select my favorite directive set & then 2. flip the Coin to determine which directive I follow.

This time round, facing stiff competition I might add, Magali won! I was to either 3. have a starring problem or a woopie cushion & the sense of humor of a three year old. Well, I found the starring problem very fascinating. I believe she MEANT staring, but that’s not what she said. I 4. flipped & found myself with a serious starring problem. Just look at the comments on below entry for proof!

By now, with several comment responses & a few emails behind me, I have my starring problem somewhat under control. You should see at least one instance of starring in each of the following paragraphs, but I am stifling the urge to pepper everything liberally with asterisks. Not that it doesn’t take an awful amount of self-control!

Today I woke up, as one does. I did some serious coin-flipping. If your future is written in the stars, well, the Coin of Destiny was my direct link to them.

Should I return library books & mail things today? (YES)
Should I do it before or after coffee & 5. podcast (Tails: AFTER)
Should I watch the rest of the movie tonight after blog, or earlier in the day? (Heads: AFTER)
Should I stay out of Ptolemy/Allyson clash? (YES)
Should I shower now or later? (Tails: LATER)
Before or after chores? (Tails: AFTER)
Should I get out on the other side of the bed today? (NO)

& thus I got out of bed, starry-eyed at prospect of day ahead.

I 6. Consulted the I Ching to see which Radio Lab podcast I should listen to today. I got Hexagram 49: SKINNING (open surface, interaction, free, responsive, unhindered mouth; joy, radiance, burning, brightness, congregation [as of stars]). It seemed pretty clear that I should listen to 7. “Emergence.” Glad I did.

Skipped downstairs to pick up coffee (coins in my coin purse bright as stars) then headed back up to podcast myself into oblivion, or its reverse.

Played solitaire as I listened. I’m a true star when it comes to solitaire. I win at least three games for every two that I lose. I must conclude that the stars are, in solitaire — as in everything else — on my side. So appropriate for the theme of the podcast too. I sat sipping my espresso & clicking away at the seemingly random cards, occasionally sacrificing my score in the timed games to take the notes you’ll see below:

“order materializes out of nothing”
E.O. Wilson writing name in ants
“every time it happens it happens by accident [...] error is architecture”
“local unplanned decisions add up into macro-unit that has a personality”
you’re looking at an author? vs. empty of purpose. which?
emergence = science of “how many stupid things can add up to something smart”
jellybean guessing!! — is this why voting makes sense? [apparently, if you get a roomful of people to guess the number of jellybeans in a jar, the averaged number of their guesses is typically unusually close to the actual number-- much closer than any individual guess. This was discovered by a pioneer of the eugenics movement. Forget which one]
“to see the world as a coherent thing is a miracle”
is there a conducter?

Few facts are included in my notes, as it’s the facts I remember most easily. The ideas of others, however, I have to write down. If you want the facts (&, I assure you, the facts are interesting ones!) I encourage you to download the podcast yourself. It’s free on iTunes. Anyway, do you see a pattern materializing in my notes? Can you read my dreams & anxieties therin? Does the apparently arbitrary pattern seem appropriate? Is there an order materializing “out of nothing”? Commenters, consider. Work for that daily gold star.

Paused here last night. It's been on my screen all day.

It was then time to head out for my chores. Didn’t exactly want to, but who am I to rail against the stars?

I went to the library to return some books. I also needed to mail things to Allyson & her friends/family, as required by Week 8. First, the library. It was nice to be there. I’ve been in school for the last 22 years (with only one exception). Everyone else is heading back to school & I miss the gold stars & pencil cases of my youth. I put my books on the conveyor belt & felt wraught with indecision. A flurry of 8. Coin-governed decisions followed:

Should I get another book while here? (YES)
Poetry or fiction? (FICTION)
Male or female author? (FEMALE)
Someone I’ve read before? (YES)
American or no? (NO)
Margaret Drabble or Iris Murdoch? (MARGARET DRABBLE)
Gates of Ivory? (YES)

So there you have it.

Then I 9. asked the Coin

Should I get a drink here? (NO)
Big post office or little post office? (BIG)

so I tripped down the sidewalk as if walking on stars. Signed up for ZipCar on the way. Then headed towards the post office. Nothing can stop the swift completion of my appointed rounds!

All of this fate made me thirsty! I 10 asked:

NOW can I get a slurpee? (NO)
Something else to drink? (NO)
Can I get a slurpee when I get to the 7-11? (NO)
After I’m inside the 7-11? (NO)
Something else? (YES)

Well, finally! I went to the 7-11 in a sulk, where oh em gee. The gods knew more than I did. The slurpee machine was under repair! Alas for my star-crossed lover (the slurpee). But it wasn’t too late for me. I got a coke.

Once home, I 11. Consulted the I Ching very seriously to see where I should go for Monday’s trip. Insert star for some reason.

Quest question 1.

This was a long, drawn-out process that required several questions. I do not want to reveal the hexagrams I got for each question, as they veer a little too close to home. Suffice to say, it’s not uncomplicated. & the hexagrams recurred with shocking frequency! Many reappeared more than twice. But I got my answer, after asking the following:

Should I go to Qualicum on Monday?
What will it be like if I go Monday, specifically?
Is it the best option?
What would a different trip look like?
Is it foolish to go to Qualicum instead of elsewhere?
What good will come of me going?

It may not be the happiest option, but I believe it is the best. It seems to be in the stars for me at least. I’ll determine the details of the trip a little later. All this had me very contemplative.

I took my long awaited shower. (I sang songs about stars).

Then I 12. Let the Coin of Destiny determine the details of tonight’s date. It told me:

wear makeup
& skirt
put my hair up
drink booze
smoke
don’t talk about the project
no goldfish

I accomplished everything like the star I am (soon to be).

Met my new friend Brendan for coffee. Arrived on time (13. nighttime) & observed him from a distance. Was it him? I 14. flipped the Coin of Destiny. YES. Introduced myself. Told him I couldn’t talk about my you-know-what (I’m a real star with the [lack of] fine print!).

After chatting for awhile, we went for a walk along the sea wall. & then to Chinatown, where 15. The Coin told me we should go to a bar before going to the market. Gold star for me & my multi-tasking.

I'm pondering just what you're pondering

We went to a bar (16. indoors, of course) where Brendan used to work as a barback. We walked through the very dangerous East Side. It’s a good thing I’m such a trusting person & that Brendan is a man of an not-to-be-named-but-honest line of work, as I could’ve certainly ended up hacked to pieces in a ditch somewhere. At the bar, we got in without cover because Brendan is so popular around town. A VERY LOUD band was playing. It felt like stars were exploding in my ears. I could almost see stars circling around my head, as in an old time cartoon. I have a picture of the bar, but it’s not any good. We left after one beer.

On the walk back, feet blistering, we went through the market. What fun! I got some sticky rice (my first meal of the day!) & STAR STICKERS! Perfect for my starring problem.

Brassieres not included

Then we started the long walk home, my blisters near (not to be too graphic) the breaking point. Well, mission accomplished? I flipped 17. The Coin of Destiny to see if the date was over. It was! So now I was allowed to talk about the project. & I did.

Our starry (k)night

We stopped at another bar where I compensated Brendan for the beer he’d bought me on our date by buying one for him. He saw lots of people he knows. He’s a real star in this town.

I’m done with/for today now. All I have left to do is watch the rest of Scenes of a Marriage. I’d normally go to bed but the coin doesn’t see that in store for me. In star for me.

Bella & the Chancellor are cuddling in the corner, though Chance occasionally takes off to chase a ladybug hovering around one of the light fixtures. Did you know that when I lived in Michigan my house was periodically infested by ladybugs? & do you think Bella & the Chancellor know that they’re stars on the internet?

Speaking of the internet, stats are slipping & I’m not happy about it. It’s not a top priority of mine (as I obviously have a lot of other things to take up my time), but it does make it easier to get through the day when I know there are thousands (& not paltry hundreds) of people rooting for (or against) me. Remember, gold stars equal presents when the year comes to a close. & this week (perhaps this week only!) you commenters get a hand in my fate! Comment with either/or’s & I’ll incorporate one of my favorites into the following days.

What's in (y)our stars?

Thus concludes another day (in the life) lived by the Bailey Sisters, starring Emily Zinnemann. It’s raining now. When it comes to a walk, the dog will have to wait. She seems happy to(o).

Comments : 10 Comments »
Tags: writing, beer, slurpees, anxiety, library, comments, dreams, singing, stars, correspondence, favorites, mission accomplished, Bella, friends, coffee, waiting, the Chancellor, directives, process, dates, love, happiness, pain, luck, psychology, notes, exhaustion, the internet, family, paragraphs, iTunes, showers, control, priorities, school, honesty, indecision, contemplation, trust, fate, talking, long days at the office, fans, stats, games, feet, walking, commenters, competition, Michigan, gold stars, sea wall, explosion, travel, chores, leaving, order, sidewalks, the project, stickers, patterns, staring, decision, bedtime, materialization, blisters, facts, post office, back to school, randomness, details, Allyson, Magali, Coin of Destiny, I Ching, introduction, dating, flipping, indoors, Scenes of a Marriage, Radiolab, podcasts, solitaire, aching, heels, transcendence, intellect, seeing stars, starring problem, either/or, whoopie cushions, three year olds, responses, peppering, asterisks, self control, listening, skinning, emergence, downstairs, coins, oblivion, reverse, winning, conclusions, espresso, inclusion, arbitratiness, pencil cases, conveyor belts, flurries, Margaret Drabble, Zipcar, thirst, star-crossed, consultation, hexagram, frequency, recurrence, options, Brendan, you-know-what, Chinatown, market, multi-tasking, barbacks, East Side, ditches, popularity, live music, cartoons, sticky rice, compensation, cuddling, ladybugs, light fixtures, infestation, conclusion
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Week 8, Day 5: Part 2

31 08 2009

Well I’m halfway through an episode of Mad Men, but I stopped to write this blog because I care very deeply about each & every one of you.

Today was my first day of 1. eating locally, my fifth day of Week 8, & my fourth day of being lived by Allyson. She’s a masterful architect! Her children are lucky.

As you can see, I 2. posted a list of the foods I normally eat, before noon very early this morning, along with a frantic plea for understudies for Week 9. It looks as if Week 9 will be taken care of, thank goodness. So now I can focus on the food.

Week 9 also promises to be very challenging & bizarre. So those of you who have been boycotting this week (& the past few, from the looks of the blog stats) because it is pleasant & relaxing will be relieved to see me undergoing a series of radical psychological experiments in the week(s) to come.

The Chancellor is glad to have me to himself

TD left early this morning, so I was grateful for today’s directives: they gave me something to do besides weeping into my pillow & plucking petals one by one from the wilted flowers in my vase. Maybe we’ll see him again sometime. His elbows, anyway.

For now, all that’s left is a filthy kitchen with a sink full of oyster shells & a lot of crumpled Kleenex littering my apartment.

After a somewhat hazy early morning goodbye, I re-rose around 10 & had a breakfast of 3. local blueberries left over from Galiano.

Then, luxuriating in my lack of a rigid schedule, I busied myself doing nothing until around 1:00.

But by then I was getting hungry. I knew if I didn’t feed myself, no one would! I headed to Granville Island in search of some 4. local groceries. I was supposed to 5. find as many foods from my list as possible.

It was lovely going around Granville Island with this mission. I’m developing a real affection for this place. This isn’t the first week that has taken me there, & it won’t be the last. But it’s very interesting to experience it from so many different perspectives. The last working day I was there, I was in a wheelchair! This time, I was keeping my eye out for LOCAL! & BC-GROWN flags. So each visit I seem to have a different guardian angel.

It took some searching, but I got a real bounty of food. From my list:

some kind of fish (trout, as a nod to Ptolemway)
organic, locally-baked bread (a delicious Fantain from Terra Breads)
fruit, especially berries, especially blueberries (peaches, blueberries)
greens (romaine lettuce)
zucchini
cheese (basil goat cheese from Salt Spring Island)

I also got an abundance of non-listed things!

venison salami
rabbit terrine
large jar of salmon roe
green beans
new potatoes
carrots
cucumber
brown mushrooms

Just look at (some of) the spoils!

Beautiful, British Columbia!

There was plenty of locally-made pasta but none of it was organic. I was also surprised to find NO local onions & only one stall with local garlic ($2 per shriveled head)– I didn’t buy any.

After my shopping (it takes longer when you can only buy local things), I sat down by the docks for an impromptu sandwich. Wow it was one of the most satisfying sandwiches ever.

It was only fantain bread, goat cheese, venison salami, & lettuce, but it tasted like absolute heaven. I’m supposed to 6. post one reason why people should eat local foods each night. Well, I’ve come up with many over the day. But here’s the most selfish & unexpected one: eating locally is difficult, but it makes it that much more rewarding. Eating my sandwich, I had a feeling akin to the one you feel when you are eating a fish you have caught yourself or a tomato grown from your own garden. A sense of accomplishment enhances flavor remarkably well! I strongly encourage each of you to try your own local eating day (or week, or month, or year). It’s enormously satisfying.

I took the water taxi back.

Scenic enough for you?

We nearly capsized, because some foolish man decided it would be a good idea to let his girlfriend drive his boat. She careened in front of us & the force of their wake nearly resulted in tragedy– or, at the very least, inconvenience. Crazy woman drivers. I’m very glad my groceries & iPhone, not to mention the gaggle of senior citizens also aboard, did not end up in the filthy water.

On my way back home I picked up a couple bottles of 7. local wine.

Then, I headed off to meet Shannon & Kyla on Kyla’s patio. Where I drank the better part of one of the aforementioned bottles (a white). To my own dismay, I drank it with some delicious local ice cubes. As the wine was unrefrigerated & ice was, in this case, preferable to warmth.

Eventually we went inside.

Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Kyla was enjoying a raw foods dessert involving a mango & raspberries on a complicated crust. Sadly, I could not partake.

After leaving her place (we are both, after all, working artists), I stopped by the store where I purchased some 8. local tomatoes & butter & what may or may not have been a non-local onion. Grown in Canada, but it didn’t say where. It was the most local onion I’d seen all day & I caved, if only a little, knowing my trout wouldn’t be much without it.

I looked, but did not find local vinegar or olive oil. That’s not too surprising. I’ve decided however, that basic condiments & spices which I already have in my cupboard are acceptable for use. It’s only three days of eating, after all, & I’m already somewhat over budget (thanks to vacation). I think it would be frivolous to purchase new salt, pepper, olive oil, herbs, etc. when I have perfectly good bottles in my pantry. Though I’m sure the search would be interesting. Does this violate the spirit of the week? Tell me, Allyson. I’m under the impression that it doesn’t, but if it does I will eat my food unseasoned. Not sure how pleased Wednesday’s dinner party guests will be, however! Ha.

Went home to cook my dinner. Onion, salt, & pepper were the only non-local ingredients. I had whole trout pan-fried in butter with onions & tomatoes. Deglazed the pan with some of the white wine (I very tackily took the bottle home with me) & enjoyed the whole mess with some Fantain bread.

Taste the rainbow (trout).

The Chancellor nibbled a few scraps before growing bored. When I was done, I laid my plate down for Bella, curious about what parts she would eat. Well, she ate the leftovers, head, bones, fins, & all & left me a very clean plate (shall I just return it to the cupboard?). She seems very happy & has suffered no choking &/or vomiting fits thus far.

So now Day 5 is behind me. Here we come, September!

Comments : 12 Comments »
Tags: acceptability, accomplishment, affection, Allyson, apartments, architects, BC, Bella, berries, bizarreness, blueberries, bones, boredom, bottles, bounty, boycotts, bread, butter, Canada, capsizing, caring, carrots, challenges, cheese, children, cleanliness, condiments, cucumber, cupboards, deepness, dessert, difficulty, dinner parties, docks, drinking, early rising, eating, elbows, enhancement, filth, finding, fins, fish, fish heads, flavor, flowers, focus, food, foolishness, frivolity, Galiano, garlic, girlfriends, goat cheese, goodbyes, Granville Island, green beans, greens, groceries, guardian angels, heaven, hunger, ice, impressions, ingredients, inside, kitchens, Kleenex, knowledge, Kyla, late rising, leaving, leftovers, lists, litter, local, local foods, loveliness, luckiness, Mad Men, mango, men, missions, morning, mushrooms, olive oil, onion, onions, oyster shells, pantry, pasta, patios, peaches, pepper, perspective, petals, pillows, plates, pleasantness, postig, potatoes, psychological experiments, rabbit, radicalness, raspberries, raw foods, reasons, refrigeratio, relaxing, relief, reward, romaine lettuce, salami, salmon roe, salt, sandwiches, satisfaction, schedules, searching, selfishness, seniors, September, Shannon, shopping, spices, spirit, spoils, stats, succhini, taste, TD, terrine, the Chancellor, tomatoes, trout, understudies, unexpected, use, vases, venison, vinegar, water, water taxis, weeping, wheelchairs, wilting, wine, working days
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Week 8, Day 2

28 08 2009

I’m writing this entry just before sunset, on a wooden deck on the edge of a cliff overlooking the ocean. I’m surrounded by pine & arbutus trees & the occasional mosquito, 1. sipping a glass of the wine we picked up at the vineyard today & watching the hawks as Bella noses around the moss & paving stones.

I learned it from watching you

Nicely done, Allyson!

We left this morning for the 2. 11:35 ferry to Salt Spring Island, picking up some sandwiches for lunch along the way.

Clockwise, from left: ginger beer, coconut water, ham & cheese, roast beef, salt & vinegar

It was a two hour ferry ride, but the scenery out here is beautiful, as most of you probably know. Mountains, covered in pine trees, rising straight out of the (very calm) ocean. Pleasant weather, a cloudy sky. While on the ferry, I entertained myself by 3. making little pen sketches of things I saw (four sketches in total, none of them very good, as passengers tend to move around & the view passes quite quickly). Later this week, I will 4. Mail them to Allyson in her Lived By care package.

Then we entertained ourselves by reading until we arrived. TD brought five books, among them Massacre at Montsegur: A History of the Albigensian Crusade. But on the ferry he opted for lighter fare: King Leopold’s Ghosts. I stuck to Colette.

Don't you think the Clintons should have been at Ted Kennedy's funeral?

Salt Spring Island seemed like a very cheerful place, more developed than Galiano. We passed many little bakeries & fishmongers & more than one vineyard. Also several sweet-looking B&B’s. It’s a shame we only had an hour on the island! It would’ve been nice to spend a whole day there. There was so much we would have liked to see (& eat! Like oysters!) Maybe someday.

After getting lost (but only a little) we arrived at 4. the Salt Spring Vineyard. It was so picturesque! The little street outside it was dripping with blackberries. There was live music playing as we approached & I 5. made a recording with my iPhone. Mostly, you just hear gravel crunching under our feet, but I’m sure that lends an air of authenticity to it all. I’ll 6. e-mail that to Allyson later tonight.

I could feel Allyson getting excited

The vineyard itself was quaint & beautiful. Two little boys played with a golden retriever in front of a pond with some white ducks.

We headed in, where we were not treated very kindly by the college kid manning the bar. The large older woman in a stained shirt with gaping armholes that revealed her green lace bra was even less pleasant (perhaps they smelled the American on us?). That soured things, but only a little! Our surroundings were so pleasant that not much could dampen our moods.

Quaintastic.

We sipped four varieties of wine, then 7. bought one (plus one) bottle(s) of the best one, a red of some kind. We also picked up a truffle goat cheese & a container of olive tapenade. I was dying to try the blackberry port, but they only sample four wines a day. Didn’t want to shell out for a wine I hadn’t tasted! There was no love lost as we said our goodbyes to the proprietors.

Soon this shirt will be irreparably stained by blackberries

I will 8. mail the label from one of the bottles to Allyson later this week.

As you can see, I also 9. posted two pictures of our surroundings.

I picked some blackberries while TD took the car around. They were PERFECT.

I'd post a picture of me picking, but it isn't pretty.

Then we wheeled back towards the ferry. We had enough time to stop in town for a loaf of bread & a couple local figs. Then we 10. caught the 3:55 ferry by the skin of our teeth. & enjoyed a much shorter ride home, eating some bread with tapenade & discussing Satanist weddings, among other things.

Once home, we 11. took Bella for a nice long walk. It’s true, she was sad about being cooped up in the cabin all day (she loves Galiano above all else), but I think we made it up to her. She was treated to woods, rocks, & the ocean. & she also enjoyed licking some raw egg off the rocks.

[In the bar, I've tried over ten times to upload the final two photos, but it's simply not working! Island wireless is unreliable, what can I say? You'll miss a scenic shot of a man in a blue sweatshirt & a big black dog leaning together on a rock as they look out onto the ocean's horizon as well as a shot of aforementioned dog running toward you down a wooded cliffside path with a large tree on the right jutting over the ocean.]

It feels nice to be done by 8:00! We’re about to head out to dinner & internet now. I’m looking forward to a pleasant meal, liberally spiced with hostile glances from the island hippies who look at me tapping away on my MacBook with distinct distaste wherever I go [edit: it's all happening, man]. Do they know, I wonder, that it’s all in the name of ART?

TD is getting sick, unfortunately & of course, so I’m not sure if we’ll do anything tooooo fun. But if we do, I’ll be sure to 12. tell Allyson about it.

Tomorrow, after accomplishing my Day 3 directives, we will head back to Vancouver so TD can convalesce in a more civilized environment. The Chancellor, too, will be very happy to see us. He has probably been sharpening his claws on the antique furniture to punish us for being gone. Still, we (TD, Allyson, Bella & I) have had a wonderful vacation so far.

Also, I’ve found the keys! They were under a telephone.

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Tags: Albigensian Crusade, Allyson, American, antiques, arbutus, art, authenticity, B&B's, bakeries, beauty, Bella, blackberries, borizon, bottles, bras, bread, cabin, cheer, children, civilization, cliffs, clouds, Colette, college kids, convalescence, correspondence, decks, development, dinner, distaste, dog walks, ducks, eating, egg, entertainment, entries, ferries, figs, fishmongers, fun, Galiano, getting lost, goat cheese, golden retrivers, gravel, hippies, home, hostility, hours, hwaks, illness, iPhone, islands, keys, King Leopold's Ghosts, labels, later, lunch, MacBook, meals, moods, mosquitoes, moss, mountains, music, nicely done, no love lost, nosing, ocean, older women, oysters, passengers, paths, paving stones, perfection, picturesque, pine, pleasantness, ponds, port, proprieters, quaintastic, quaintness, reading, recording, rocks, running, Salt Spring, sampling, sandwiches, scenery, shame, shirts, sketches, skies, someday, sour, stains, sunset, surroundings, tapenade, tasting, telephone, the Chancellor, trees, truffles, uploading, vacation, variety, views, vineyards, weather, wine, wine bottles, wireless, wood, writing
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Week 7, Day 5

25 08 2009

My mood has gotten progressively fouler as this week has gone on. Glad I had two days off this week! I’ve been wondering what’s wrong with me. But finally—an explanation: Jess is working on a documentary about the Atkins Diet—according to her research, a very bad mood is a well-documented side effect of a low-carb diet. This is corroborated by anecdotal evidence from my peers. I’d be relieved to hear this, if I was capable of feeling any relief! But I do feel a vindicated sense of bitterness, which is a close low-carb substitute. Also, this weekend my evil mood prompted the first poem I’ve written since January. So there’s a silver lining to every etc.

After six hours of sleep (& a very curious nightmare, more on this later) I stayed in bed sulking for 1. Two more. Dragged my heels around the house (as Bella & Chance napped in the sunshine).

We're much cuter in person

Then, shortly after noon, I proceeded to the bank, where I drafted some money to my US account so I could sort out my credit card woes & pay my Idaho speeding ticket. If my check doesn’t arrive by Wednesday, my driver’s license will be suspended! (I, of course, only got this information after 6:00 on Friday). The man beside me asked for $100 in fives & $100 dollars in quarters, while the teller spent most of his time looking down my shirt.

Too cold (L), Too hot (R)

Home again, home again. I discovered I have now mastered the exciting art of cooking oatmeal. I didn’t realize I was doing it wrong before. But the trick is in the stirring. I felt like Goldilocks. I also felt like I was married to Fernando. This project is a lot like being married, if you think about it, but to 52 people consecutively.

I 2. Added blueberries towards the end then 3. Sweetened with honey. Added a lump of butter for good measure. This was the first time my oatmeal managed to approximate goodness. I 4. Put on Cría Cuervos (my mother purchased it & three other required DVDs for me this weekend, much to my vindicatedsenseofbitterness) & savored my only carbohydrates of the day.

The movie was ok. It’s a seventies Spanish film with an unhappy, recently orphaned 8-year-old girl as its protagonist. It’s one of those movies that makes a big point about the innocence & happiness of childhood being a myth. There’s not a lot of conversation and it’s all uncomfortably intimate but slightly unreal—not surreal, despite the frequent appearance of the ghosts of her parents. Whenever there is dialogue, it’s generally people being nasty to/not understanding each other. Lots of long shots of children’s blank faces. Lots of political points using the family as an allegory. So forth. It’s the sort of movie that’s successful in the sense that it seems to accomplish absolutely everything it set out to do—& nothing more. So for me, it fell flat.

Once the movie was over, I 5. Read the informational booklet that came with the DVD. It was exactly like the movie. It told me a lot of things that I had deduced for myself, including some interesting facts that I didn’t know. But it didn’t teach me anything. There’s information & then there’s knowledge. Knowledge is a harder gift to give, a little more nebulous. This movie had an (telling) artful touch but not a (teaching) magic one. Does that make sense? The film’s worth watching but I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. Except perhaps to someone with related academic interest in the film’s central themes.

Then I got up for my 9. Walk. To the post office. I was supposed to 10. Write (just letting in happen) in a public space. I’m very creative. I wrote my address & the address of the Idaho court. Then I 11. Posted what I just wrote. HA! I also wrote a text message or two.

Stopped to pick up a lunch of grilled chicken breast & hot sauce. Blah.

Unjust, not right

12. Ate it. Took my time. Enjoyed it as much as possible.

Then I 13. Read a poem by Octavio Paz & headed back to bed for a long while.

My friend, Jess (P) arrived at my house around 8:00. She’s in town & she’s staying with me tonight. We went out for 14. Dinner & a glass of 15. Wine. Jess (E) & her sister joined us. I had carpaccio, but forgot to take a picture until it was mostly devoured. Jess (P) got the bread that came with it. Sadly.

Unsightly scraps of raw beef = (recently) living proof

After that, we all went for a long 15. Walk with Bella by the sea wall. It’s a nice time of year. The weather’s very back-to-school. I took Bella off leash for a while & she ran around in the ocean. Then we returned here & I 16. Am writing for an hour, while Jess (P) reads Eat, Pray, Love (much to her own chagrin) in the living room, eating the delicious blueberries I’m not allowed.

I still have fifteen more minutes of writing, so I’m going to tell you my dream. Altered dreams are, by the way, an interesting side effect of this project. I dream every night, for example, that each of you post several detailed comments (inevitably, very interesting ones) on the blog. & often my puppetmasters appear in my dreams. During Ptolemy’s week, we had all sorts of adventures every night. Sometimes, I dream that I’ve received a schedule that makes all sorts of interesting demands. I’m always a little disappointed by reality when I wake.

Last night, I dreamed I was on a boat tour in a jungle with an anonymous female friend & her family. So far, it was a good dream. Though everyone mocked me because I didn’t know how to “telescope shadows” with a camera. “Why does everyone always make fun of me?” I complained, burying my head in my lifejacket. My companions laughed.

When I arrived home to my apartment, I sat down to write. Then I realized that the feeble mutant creature (looking something like a child, something like an old man, & something like ET if each of those things were pale & blue-tinged, two feet tall, shaped out of putty, with a tiny head & very long arms) which would sometimes cause mischief around my apartment, was back, fiddling with the electrical sockets. I was very angry. I had locked him out previously. “No!” I said, & he ignored me, fixedly yanking my computer cord out of the wall until it finally broke. I grabbed him by his arm, probably a little harder than I needed to, & began to drag him to the door. He resisted me, but he was feeble as always. Though his arm was curiously stretching in my grip.

As I dragged him through my apartment, I noticed that the edges of doors & windows, cupboards, etc. were gnawed, bent & a little bloody. He had somehow snuck in through all these tiny spaces, very deliberately. I didn’t know he was this smart. When we got to the door he suddenly became much stronger. His arm started coiling tightly around my wrist with a firm, snake-like pressure. He looked up into my face with his black eyes & I realized he was actually very smart—or perhaps not smart, but possessing a predatory, shark-like intelligence— & very dangerous. I shoved him out the door & locked it.

He turned into a slug & started creeping through above one of the hinges. I locked him out several times & he managed to get in every time, shifting into increasingly sinister, vague shapes. I realized, with horror, there was no getting rid of him. He began to grow & grow.

I then realized that he was the external physical embodiment of my own malevolence. Malevolence is a strange sort of word to choose, & it sounds perhaps inaccurate, but I didn’t choose this word– in my dream it was, very precisely, malevolence. Anyway, I’d believed I was a wholly good person, free of evil etc. & I was! In my dream, at least. But by eliminating this evil from my own self I had not eliminated it entirely, but displaced it—I had unconsciously created this creature, much worse than ordinary human evil as it was wholly autonomous & quite out of my control. So my horror was now tinged with a very unheimlich sense of recognition. If this creature were not destroyed, it would rapidly gain strength & destroy the entire world.

I knew the only way to destroy this creature was for someone to eat him. “Should I eat him?” my anonymous friend asked. No. She couldn’t. If anyone but me ate him, he would continue to grow & destroy her & everyone else. I guessed that I had to do it.

I squeezed him into a ball & felt, with horror, that while he had previously been boneless there were now sharp, calcified pieces of something inside him. I grimly broke him into two pieces. I needed some bread to swallow him, as I wouldn’t be able to chew with these pieces inside him.

I rolled him into two pieces of bread as my friend watched me anxiously. I ate him.

“What does he taste like?” she asked.

“What do you think?” I said. “A tooth, & a shard of bone.”

Upon which I woke up, quite unsettled.

Now all I have left to do is 17. Go to bed at 2:20am & 18. Stay in bed for 8 hours. I also 19. Can’t use electronic devices after 1:20.

A few nights ago I tried so hard to stay up until after two that I woke up at 4:00am on the floor of my closet. I don’t know if that counts as a failure or not. But I must have been awfully tired if I decided to “rest my eyes” there for a moment.

Also, I’ve been sleepwalking again. & I’ve hid my keys so well that no one will ever find them. Fortunately, my mom had a spare.

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Categories : Uncategorized

Week 7, Day 2

21 08 2009

Readers, why is it that the handle of a teaspoon placed in the neck of a bottle of champagne stops the bubbles from going flat? Also, did you know that tuberculosis can be treated with tablespoons of iced champagne? Or, while we’re on the topic of champagne, that the pretty story about Dom Perignon accidentally discovering it & shouting to his fellow monks “Come quickly, I’m drinking stars!” is really just a fairytale invented by an advertising company? I was sad when I found out the latter. But also impressed.

Anyway, I’m not drinking champagne to lift my spirits. I’m drinking a local Brut. It probably won’t cure my tuberculosis, but sparkling 1. wine is a small consolation for the bureaucratic nightmares I’ve suffered today!

Let’s start at the very beginning (a very good place to start).

I woke up at 8:15. Unfortunately, since I went to bed at 2:20am (catching up on my extracurricular reading), I was required to 2. lie in bed until 10:20 at the earliest. I’m good at sleeping in, but not when I’m forced to. Dozed fitfully on & off until 11:00, then rose. Then spent about half an hour gazing at myself in the mirror, as per usual.

Then I set about preparing my breakfast: 3. oatmeal, cooked the old-fashioned way. As it cooked, I 4. added some blueberries & then (surprise, surprise!) 5. sweetened it with honey. Then a glass of lemon 6. water saw my meal complete.

Food for the birds / strictly from hunger.

Ate it. Mission accomplished.

Then I set about 7. Watching Death of a Cyclist. Fortunately, some wonderful person (not Fernando, of course) has posted the complete film in eight parts on YouTube. It took me awhile to watch the whole thing, what with the stolen wireless & all, but I was absolutely engrossed. It’s a very good film– in marked contrast to yesterday’s mess. I find you can tell if most movies are worth your time within the first two minutes. & I generally walk out if I don’t like the first ten. Anyway, with this one I knew right away it was a very good movie.

It’s a smart psychological drama with a complicated premise & a beautiful leading lady. I don’t want to give anything away, so you better just watch it for yourselves. I was thinking a lot as I was watching the movie that most really good art does not simply reflect reality (something which is hard enough, I might add! art which manages that is totally adequate)– but creates a convincing state of hyper-reality. When it comes to hyper-reality, this movie succeeded admirably. (At this point in the project, I recognize true hyper-reality a mile away. I’m living it, after all.)

There were a few scenes where I felt as if realism was sacrificed for symbolism in rather unfortunate (sometimes unintentionally comical) ways (Darling! Not here! We’re the only two adults in a circus tent full of clowns & children!), & of course the moralistic ending of the film was clearly tacked on by fascists, but even moments of occasional melodrama were not enough to mar this incredible film for me! Everything was tight & perfect, character development superb, & almost every shot was a pleasure to view. I’ll happily discuss the film in more detail in the comments section– only with people who have actually watched it, however. A plot summary would do no justice, & if you have time to hang out reading this blog I’m sure you have an hour & a half to spare sometime for a movie!

Then I was supposed to 8. take a 45 minute walk & also 9. Write about what I just saw, whatever comes to mind, in any format, in a public space.

I multitasked admirably. Disguised as a teenager in a hoodie & braids I made my way contemplatively along the sea wall with my iPod on shuffle. “Fly Me to the Moon” came on first. After the movie, everything seemed hyper-real. The world took on a renewed sense of meaning. Every dog & seagull was in crisper focus. The people too, unfortunately for them. Partway through my walk I sat down to write:

Whatever comes to mind.

Oh, look, I just 11. Posted what I wrote. I was trying to make my writing legible, apparently it’s usually il-”".

Poked a hole with a pen & stuck a dandelion through for good measure.

Left it under a rock

Beside a park bench where it will never be found.

My well-intentioned note will likely molder beside a piece of used chewing gum until the end of days (soon). But what do I care?

On my way back I stopped at the store & bought supplies for my next two meals.

Upon returning home, I began to prepare 12. My lunch! It was 5:00 o’clock, after all. Well, I wasn’t allowed carbs so I decided I’d have some fun with it.

I'd say about 9"x 3"x 1.5" of fun, all told

I broiled an enormous steak. What’s that on top of it, you ask? I slathered it with butter.

It’s the first steak I’ve ever cooked! I’ve always left the meat to the men. But there aren’t any here.

It came out perfectly regardless. I would have made a nice salad or something, but, well– carbs.

Thanks, cow. Sorry vegetarians.

Actually, I tend to like things a little more raw than that. But I’m not complaining.

Bella enjoyed her snack of gristle & drippings greatly. & the Chancellor liked his cm of beef too. I tried to take a picture but– horrors!– iPhone was broken! I quickly 13. Read some Octavio Paz (good, I’m sure, but a little hot-blooded for me at present), 14. Learned something about him (who knows what it was, but thanks, book-jacket) & raced out into the night to try to get my phone fixed. There went my 45 minute walk. In fact, I walked much longer, muscles aching as an effect of last week’s disuse.

I won’t bore you with the details of bureaucratic nightmares alluded to earlier in this post. Suffice to say, Canada is a wholly uncivilized country in which it takes you a week to even make an appointment at the genius bar. Fortunately, I used my wholly American sense of entitlement to get them to explain what was wrong with my phone. Then fixed it myself. Problem solved.

Returned home to a notice from the Idaho courts saying my driver’s license will be suspended in five days if I don’t pay a speeding ticket I received on July 3. For goodness’ sake. I was going three miles over the speed limit. They only caught me because I was the slowest car down the hill! In Canada, the post offices & banks seem to believe they need a two day weekend every week. What an awful country. I’m going to move out as soon as the project is done– but not to Idaho. Of all the states I’ve ever visited (South Dakota included!) I liked Idaho least. But I’ll pay that ticket on Monday, by hook or by crook. I hope Idaho knows I have plans for it when I’m king.

Once home, I opened a bottle of “champagne” & 15. Wrote for an hour. This entry. It actually took me much longer than an hour. I’d intended to write some smart philosophical ramblings in a private book but I simply didn’t have the energy. & I don’t like to post my private thoughts here. They’re all private for a reason.

Now I just have to 16. Have dinner & 17. Stop use of all electronic devices in the hour before 18. bed. So lights out is at 1:20am tonight. As far as dinner goes– well, I picked up some salmon. But after that steak? I think I’ll make a dinner of cucumbers in rice wine vinegar & soy sauce instead. I always knew the Atkins diet was a stupid idea, but now I can really FEEL it!

Nothing some quality time with The Chancellor can't fix!

Now for a glorious two day weekend! During which I may sort out my credit cards & do laundry & panic about the coming week.

See you all on Monday! & I will, of course, continue to tend to the comments section with the love any good gardener feels for his work. So don’t feel too abandoned, flowers.

Comments : 22 Comments »
Tags: beginning, suffering, beauty, writing, poetry, champagne, pictures, bills, reading, shopping, iPhone, stars, food, banks, butter, mission accomplished, Bella, feelings, goodness, drinking, mess, dogs, the Chancellor, characters, discovery, bed, flowers, love, perfection, supplies, teenagers, meals, project, art, shouting, psychology, philosophy, fun, privacy, notes, advertising, thoughts, blueberries, YouTube, children, men, meaning, wireless, pleasure, civilization, consolation, water, rambling, cures, lunch, treatment, people, nightmares, contemplation, readers, walking, early rising, muscles, sea wall, mirrors, public, cooking, late rising, problems, steak, Canada, movies, tuberculosis, panic, learning, weekends, complaint, intention, teaspoons, tablespoons, bubbles, ice, while we're at it, Dom Perignon, monks, fairytales, companies, sadness, Brut, bureaucracy, bedtime, sleeping in, dozing, oatmeal, honey, lemon, Death of a Cyclist, Fernando, watching, drama, giving things away, reality, hyper-reality, symbolism, circuses, clowns, moralism, fascists, tightness, character development, plot, seeing, multitasking, iPods, Fly Me to the Moon, seagulls, focus, sitting, legibility, dandelions, chewing gum, the end of days, carbohydrates, broiling, slathering, rawness, snacks, gristle, dripping, Octavio Paz, hot-blooded, walks, genius bar, Americanisms, entitlement, fixing, solution, Idaho, courts, drivers' licenses, suspension, speed limit, moving, post offices, entries, electronic devices, salmon, cucumbers, soy sauce, vinegar, Atkins diet, credit cards, laundry, gardeners
Categories : Uncategorized

Week 6, Day 6

18 08 2009

The end is near.

This was Day 6 in a wheelchair. Of course, I also had other things to accomplish.

Today seemed as if it would be quite taxing, but in fact it was one of the better days I’ve had so far! Funny how it always seems to work out like that.

First I 1. got up & showered. I’m getting used to showering in a wheelchair. So at this point, it was fairly routine. Fifteen relaxing minutes in above the tub.

Then, around one-ish, Olivia arrived & we 2. Took Bella for a walk. This is the first time this week I took the dog myself! Bella was pretty good. I kept running over her toes & at one point she was attacked by two off-leash toy poodles. The owner shouted, from a safe distance, “If she bites it will teach them a lesson!” Certainly, if the intended lesson was death. But Bella seemed to understand I didn’t have the strength to wrangle her & stood very still as the poodles jumped all over her, biting & yipping. Lucky for them. She’s not always so tolerant.

After this, Olivia & I 3. Headed to the Vancouver Art Gallery.

Speaking of chairs,

I didn’t feel like going to the museum on a nice sunny day, but actually it was very pleasant & relaxing. It took us an hour to get through the exhibitions. I was expecting that it would all be Canadian artists, but, thank God, it wasn’t! It was a show of 16th & 17th century Dutch realist painters.

There was also, for some reason, a reconstruction of a 1950s household. I felt very happy rolling about in it. As if I were in Mad Men! But with none of the disappointing Season Threeness.

We would have got better pictures, but we had to be very sneaky. Photos, after all, are verboten in art galleries. I got Olivia to pretend she was texting on my phone & finally we got one.

By the way, I look kind of fat in the picture to the right. I’d like to tell you all that that is the material of my skirt & shirt! Not, in fact, my stomach. If you remember the spandex photos, I am blessed with an essentially flat stomach. Vanity! will be the death of me.

I was supposed to 4. Spend two hours in the exhibitions, but there wasn’t exactly two hours of looking to be done.

Nor was there time to look & eat (part of 5) before everything closed down. So I may or may not have accomplished that particular directive. I certainly have spent beyond two hours in the exhibition in my heart. It’s stuck with me all day, in fact. Also, I’ve never been to the VAG (of all acronyms, Vancouver, really?) — never WOULD have gone, & now fully intend to return. So perhaps I’m on a payment plan? This doesn’t feel like a failure, but it possibly is. I’ll leave it to you to decide. Please note, too, that I was on the property of the VAG for at least 3.5 hours.

My "pity me" expression could use some work.

After wandering through the exhibit, we 5. went to the Gallery Café for lunch- it was certainly difficult & interesting to 6. find the alternative entrance! It involved all sorts of tricks. Intercoms, elevators, secret passwords– but eventually we made it.

Also, I was mistaken for Kyla for the first time this week! I knew it was bound to happen & am somewhat surprised it hasn’t happened sooner! When we were younger (19-ish), we were often mistaken for identical twins. As life has taken its terrible toll on our faces, we no longer get that much. But evidentally one woman at the museum still sees the resemblance. I’m flattered!

I’ve wanted a nose job FOREVER & I always tell Kyla that if I ever scrape the money together I’m going to ask for her nose.

The food was mediocre but the company was very good. Olivia & I don’t know each other that well (she’s one of my friend’s younger sisters) but we bonded over all sorts of topics. & now we are actual friends!

Also, we managed to get a bucket of beer for happy hour price, though it was not yet happy hour, because I was in a wheelchair. So that lubricated things a little.

My only sunshine

Olivia doesn’t like this picture of her but I felt I had to put it up. She’s too adorable! If she asks me, I’ll take it down.

After lunch, we hung out & chatted by the fountain. Kyla called me earlier today &, unprompted, cancelled one of her previous directives. I was supposed to 7. Sit outside on a busy street and hand out Emily, Lived By: postcards & get a friend to do the same on a street nearby, noting the difference in attitudes between my experience & that of my friend’s.

Well, I ALWAYS accept cancellations (though not last minute additions to schedule). Olivia & I were both pleased that we didn’t have to humiliate ourselves in this manner. You can imagine what it would have been like– it’s the idea of doing this that’s most important, really. Me enacting it for you all would not have made much of a difference. I commend Kyla for (with, I promise, no pressure on my part!) recognizing this.

Olivia & I delighted in the unexpected free time. Sat by the fountains & pondered life. So forth.

Olivia & her sisters are also on board to do a collaborative week. So we discussed that a little. Very excited to learn that their week (though I don’t know the details!) will be a real departure from many of the somewhat mundane self-improvement schedules I’ve encountered so far. Lately, my schedules, though very improving, have been a little dull– or at least, psychologically unchallenging– for me. So it’s nice to know the tides will shift soon. Perhaps this shifting will provide a good example for future participants!

Look at Olivia. What a saint. She practically glows!

Fortified by our new freedom, etc. we headed to a bar. Where we drank two pitchers of beer– goodness! Can you believe I’m writing this so coherently?

Olivia will also accompany on my directives tomorrow. We’ve plotted up a way to make them more interesting.

She helped me wheel home & before she left I gave her my copy of Suze Orman’s Young, Broke & Fabulous, as I think it might help her sort out her credit card troubles. Thanks, Mom, for Week 1!

Now I have only a few things left to do. I’ve 8. Relaxed & also 9. Spent time writing my blog.

I just have to 10. Make dinner & eat (I’m thinking some cheese puffs?) & finally 11. Lie in bed & contract my muscles from head to toe, working down my body including face, fingers and toes. Contract each muscle for 30 seconds, release, then go to sleep.

It will be done AND done.

Regarding the coming week: I received my schedule two days late & overwhelming majority of commenters proposed that I take two days off but blog about both of them. Looking at the schedule, I see that it’s not too taxing. It’s kind of weird to blog about my days off & I really hate the idea of not doing this project for three whole days in a row.

SO. I’ve decided to compromise: I will take one day off. I will blog (& project) for five days of the week, but have a rare two day weekend. In the future, as Ben Tilly has suggested (uncannily in line with my thoughts), I will have understudies ready to step in & late schedules will no longer be a problem.

Hi up there!

If any of you have complaints, you can address them to the Chancellor.

I’ve also come up with an amazing plan for my final week. You’ll just have to wait till then to see what it is.

See you tomorrow!

Comments : 24 Comments »
Tags: 1950s, accompaniment, accomplishment. working out, adorability, alternative, bars, beer, Bella, bending the rules, biting, blogging, bonding, buckets, cancellation, challenges, coherence, collaboration, company, complaints, compromise, correspondence, credit score, decision, departures, difficulty, dinner, directives, discussion, distance, dog walks, Dutch Realism, elevators, enactment, entrance, examples, exhibitions, fat, flat stomachs, fountains, freedom, galleries, happy hour, intention, intercoms, interest, iPhone, lateness, lessons, life, looking, lubrication, lunch, Mad Men, making it, mediocrity, mistaken identity, moms, mundane, muscles, museums, nose jobs, Olivia, payment plans, pictures, pitchers, plans, pleasure, plotting, pondering, poodles, property, psychology, relaxing, return, routine, secret passwords, self-improvement, shirts, showers, sisters, skirts, sneakiness, spandex, stillness, sun, Suze Orman, texting, the Chancellor, the end is near, the future, the VAG, tides shifting, toes, tolerance, tricks, tub, twins, understudies, Vancouver Art Gallery, vanity, wanting, weather, wheelchairs, wrangling, YF&B
Categories : Uncategorized

Week 5, Day 7

13 08 2009

Friends, it has been another long day. My days, however, will only get longer!

The schedule for next week is up, along with my participant’s bio. Due to technical difficulties, her video will follow tomorrow.

I got the schedule a day late. In the future, I will take one additional day off for each day the schedule is late. The psychological demands of this project are enormous & I believe this is only fair. Kyla’s schedule, however, is so extraordinarily good that I have decided to fulfill each of her directives without complaint.

Now it comes to the day at hand! I 1. Woke up early (no small feat, considering the antics I was up to last night). After posting the below entry, I went back to bed for a long while. Then I 2. ate a salad, 3. warmed up & 4. ran two miles. I am so proud of myself! For the first time in my life, I ran a full mile without stopping! It took me nine minutes & fourteen seconds. I 5. stretched afterwards.

I have yet to 6. weigh myself, but I can assure you that I am much slimmer. As of yesterday, I had gained one pound. Of muscle, I presume.

In the shower following I delighted in my new (soon to be lost) muscle tone.

Adam had also informed me that there was free outdoor yoga at 5:00pm & he would “like for me” to attend. His desire was duly noted. Since I was very busy, had no yoga mat, & am a lover of loopholes, I did not oblige. Let this be a lesson to future participants! Phrasing is everything.

I feel guilty but only a little.

Then I had another nap. By the way, the Chancellor’s beverages of choice are: diluted whiskey, balsamic vinegar, & contact lens solution. Keeping these things out of his reach requires constant vigilance. What’s his deal, anyway? & as a kitten, he loved olives. Also lighting himself on fire.

Today I also had to 7. climb five trees. What a chore! Fortunately, I recruited Simon, my blind date from Week 2, & we went to Stanley Park. He very obligingly held my purse & took pictures with my iPhone while I accomplished my directives.

Onward, ho.

Onward!

This one was particularly filthy. & I had to leap into Simon's arms when I was done.

Downward, dawg!

Mission? Accomplished.

Then we sat on the beach & watched the sunset, drinking some leftover wine. Simon is my new BFF!

Also, by the way, I found some blackberries. Blackberry picking has always been one of my favorite activities.

The worst part of everything was that I had to 8. go dancing. I’m excellent dancing in darkened living rooms, but not a big fan of other scenarios.

We went to a blues club (where, I might add, I saw the whitest blues I’ve ever heard!) & it turns out everyone there was swing dancers. They had special shoes & everything. It took us about an hour to gather our nerves. After some liquid courage, we got up on the stage & danced for approximately one minute. No pictures, thank god. We left partway through the song & never looked back!

I hope that Simon & I will continue to platonically date until the end of time.

9. Drinking nothing but water has really taken its toll on me. Tomorrow I will subsist entirely on slurpees.

All I have left to do is 10. Core exercises. I’ll exercise my core like there’s no tomorrow.

Unfortunately for me, there is a tomorrow. Fortunately, it’s a tomorrow in which I learn what it’s like to live as a paraplegic. Next week should be an incredible experience for all of us.

Comments : 17 Comments »
Tags: yoga, bending the rules, pictures, Stanley Park, rules, whiskey, the future, slurpees, naps, dancing, iPhone, blackberries, goodness, the Chancellor, directives, BFF's, accomplishment, blind dates, Simon, olives, pride, lateness, water, liking, lessons, experience, desire, salad, weigh-ins, weight, running, warm up, miles, early rising, muscles, stretching, purses, s, fitness, slimness, muscle tone, delight, yoga mats, loopholes, obligation, phrasing, guilt, balsamic vinegar, contact lens solution, vigilance, kittens, fire, trees, climbing trees, chores, the beach, sunsets, living rooms, scenarios, blues, swing dancing, gathering nerves, liquid courage, leaving, platonic love, paraplegic
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Emily, Lived By: