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Week 10, Day 5

14 09 2009

LivedByBanner

Your intrepid heroine donned a garter belt & gothic enough clothing & headed out to a fetish club where, though somewhat overdressed, she was admitted entrance on the grounds that she was The Ultimate Sub. She also shared some of her very good gothic poetry with you.

***

Now, Ben’s 1. banner behind us, I can dispense with the third person & carry on with my account of GEEK WEEK Day 5. Science Day.

This morning, I was to 2. conduct a science experiment in the comfort of my own home. I’m also supposed to 3. blog about it & 4. include pictures. My experiment was pretty groundbreaking, if I do say so myself. Just look at this lab report!

I. STATEMENT OF THE PROBLEM:
Can I predict &/or determine the future?

II. HYPOTHESIS:
Yes. I will test this hypothesis by spinning a coin 100 times, predicting that the final tally will be approximately 60% tails & 40% heads.

Materials:

My assistant with the supplies

One (1) Canadian quarter
One (1) small notepad
One (1) fine-point retractable Sharpie pen.
One (1) myself
One (1) The Chancellor
One (1) psychic vision
Time & money

III. PROCEDURE:
After recording my prediction, I sat cross-legged on the floor (facing slightly northwest, with an open window behind me) & spun the quarter 100 times (in 10 sets of 10). The Queen was heads & the stag was tails, as usual. On the 49th spin I began touching The Chancellor for luck during each spin, when he was available. The phone rang once in the 80s & I answered it. It was TD. He had some funny stories to tell me about my archenemy & exploding (two words; sounds like “heart shapes”.) After chatting for twelve minutes, I resumed spinning.

IV. RESULTS:

Before intervention by Chance, tails & heads occurred with precisely 50/50 regularity. With Chance on my side, however, the coin landed on Tails slightly more than 58% of the time. Every round with the Chancellor by my side resulted in a strict 60/40 ratio, with the exception of round 9 when the telephone rang, Chancellor stalked off in a jealous snit, & TD’s haplessness briefly rubbed off on me. I got 50/50 that time.

Final tally?

Round 1: T H T H H T T H H H
Round 2: H T T T H H T H T T
Round 3: H H T H H T T T H T
Round 4: T T H H T H T H T T
Round 5: T T H H T H T H T T
Round 6: H T T H H T T T T H
Round 7: T T T T H T H T H H
Round 8: H T T H T T T H T H
Round 9: H T T T H H H H T T
Round 10: T T H T T H T T H H

Total:

Tails: 55
Heads: 45

V. CONCLUSION:
It’s just as I suspected: I can loosely predict &/or determine my future &/but I’m nothing without the Chancellor. You can try to replicate this experiment at home with a black cat of your own if you wish, but it probably won’t work for you because most people aren’t magic like me & the Chancellor.

Precisely what the coin saw

Also, don’t go gambling with TD, whatever you do.

***

After this little experiment, I was ready for my next big adventure. I grabbed some lunch with Braden & then we headed to 5. Science World!

Who am I? Guess. I like blue sweaters & water taxis.

Once we arrived I attempted to strike the nerdiest possible pose in front of a sign about putting the “GEEEE” in genome. I think I did pretty good! The first time in my life that I’ve ever EVER done double peace signs in a picture!

omgenome

We only had an hour & fifteen minutes before closing, but we thought that would be plenty of time. Braden bought some popcorn. & then the fun began!

What a slow poke

We tested our reflexes. I was slightly faster, which leads me to think it was rigged.

Then we played Mind Ball, which is a relaxation contest. You strap something on your head & your relaxation waves move a ball in the middle to one side or another. I won the first round! I relaxed myself by reciting Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven” in my head.

Braden pondered, weak & weary

Then we tested our grips.

Concentration &/or consternation

I have no grip at all. In fact, I was banned from the school’s monkey bars as a child because I would always let go in the middle & hurt myself. So this recalled painful memories for me.

Absolutely gripping!

But look at Braden! What a he-man.

Then we tried to fit in a tiny little glass box. If you can fit in, the sign told us, you’re probably double jointed.

Will I need some dismembering?

Not if I have anything to do with it!

The blur is me pulling my elbow in, I’ll have you know. I made it!

There's more than one peculiar angle in play here

There's more than one peculiar angle at play here

But no cigar

Braden was close. Maybe next time?

We had a wheelchair race (he won) & conducted various other experiments. We also spent some time with optical illusions.

You know the kind

Then we lost each other. Because we were so immersed in science!

I learned about facial symmetry & harnessed wind, water, & so forth to power some musical robots. I also turned a hand crank to run a small television. What would it show me? What would it show me?

It showed me myself! Turning a crank. WOW! I shouted, with the same delight a monkey would feel. I dropped the crank & the picture vanished. So I turned it & turned it & turned it some more, then ran off to find Braden. I guess he’d been spending some time in the giant hamburger.

Also, there was a fake garbage dump. But he saw a real mouse in it! Funny, right?

I showed him the symmetry machine.

Oh it's SO symbolic guys.

& then we aged our faces by 30 years. According to Braden, 70 year old me bears an uncanny resemblance to Ptolemy. But I think he flatters me.

Soon, to our horror, Science World was about to close. We ran down to play one more game of Mind Ball.

I won once, and nevermore.

Braden won that round. I was too anxious about the looming specter of Week 11! Guys, I’m pretty sure it is going to be the craziest week yet. I don’t want to give much away, but suffice to say my primary fear is getting arrested &/or repeatedly thrown out of places & I expect to spend a lot of time unwinding with a kazoo.

But back to the present. Perfect. We had ten minutes so we ran around looking at more things. We missed at least two whole exciting rooms!

A little suggestive of an oyster

In a room full of dinosaur bones, I accidentally put my mouth on the paw of a taxidermied beaver which had really seen better days. How like me. Then we sat & watched some honeybees in a narrow little hive with a window on either side. It’s nice to know they’re still out there somewhere!

Then with minutes to spare we ventured into what was probably the best & most exciting room. But we didn’t have time for anything. We only had time to hoist ourselves up with some ropes.

I wish I had one of these things on my balcony

Barack Obama called Kanye West a jackass, by the way! I love my president!

We were high as very low kites by then!

Go, science!

It’s much higher up than it looks.

Anyway, it was time to go home. We passed the casino where Braden stopped in to use the washroom. Wasn’t I nineteen? the bouncer asked & didn’t I want to come in? “Oh I’m trying to avoid the slots” I said. He said that was a very good call.

We made our ways merrily home. After taking my leave of Braden, I stopped at the 7-11 where I bought an industrial-sized bag of 6. Miss Vickie’s Salt & Vinegar chips. Ate far too many & washed it all down with root beer. Texting Elizabeth (back in Ann Arbor) furiously. It’s 40 cents per text to the US but Elizabeth is worth every penny. & there is SO much gossip.

No 7. QAPLA’s or 8. maj’s for me, today, alas, as I simply haven’t had the occasion. Also, I can’t watch my Mad Men until I watch some of 9. The Prisoner. My package from amazon.ca still hasn’t arrived. So much for next day delivery! Who runs the Canadian postal service? It must be Canadians. Anyway, YouTube it is.

Speaking of deliveries, Ben has not provided my geeky t-shirt for tomorrow. If I were him, I’d drop it off at Elfsar before work or during lunch. Otherwise, I’m going to continue to dress like the indolent floozy I am, which won’t be very enlightening at all.

Anyway, look at me! I’m nearly done with Day 5 & I have plenty of time to spare. I’m definitely afraid of Week 11, but I’ve also been proven by science to be magic. So I shouldn’t worry too much about anything ever.

Comments : 25 Comments »
Tags: 7-11, adventures, angles, Ann Arbor, appearances are deceiving, archenemies, arrest, banners, Barack Obama, beavers, blogging, blur, boxes, Braden, butterfly tattoos, casinos, cats, chance, childhood, chips, closing, coins, competition, conclusions, correspondence, cranks, craziness, crystals, delivery, dinosaurs, dismembering, double-jointedness, dumps, Edgar Allan Poe, elbows, ELFSAR, Elizabeth, experiments, fakeness, fun, games, gamling, garter belts, geek week, gossip, grip, hamburgers, he-men, heads, high, hoisting, honeybees, hypotheses, intervention, jealousy, Kanye, kazoos, kites, lab reports, letting go, looking, loss, low, luck, machines, Mad Men, magic, memory, mice, Mind Ball, monkey bars, monkeys, nerds, optical illusions, packages, peace signs, poetry, popcorn, poses, postal service, predicting the future, predictions, reality, recitation, reflexes, regularity, relaxation, rooms, ropes, science, science experiments, Science World, spinning, sweaters, symmetry, t-shirts, tails, taxidermy, TD, telephone, television, texting, the Chancellor, the color blue, the future, The Prisoner, The Raven, third person, time, turning, Ultimate Sub, unwinding, washroom, water taxis, wheelchairs, windows, winning, witches, worry
Categories : Uncategorized

Week 10, Day 2

11 09 2009

Thus, another long & unproductive day of GEEK WEEK comes to a close. My brain is adequately dulled by hours spent playing online 1. role-playing games, my naturally comely physique is suffering from a diet of sugar, powdered cheese, & food coloring, & I have very few pictures to show for it, since I only left my house for a trip to 7-11 & the comic store. All in all, enormously fulfilling.

Our friend Trafford has suggested that I 2. include a banner of his own design on each of my geek week entries. Oh, all right!

Well, the highlight of my day was obviously reading fairy-tale themed pornography on the floor of ELFSAR, the best & only comic store I’ve ever been to. You can read the whole episode on the post below.

Now the lovely banner is out of the way & we can proceed!

Before I got out of my bed, I lay in awhile longer. I read some comic book pornography with the Chancellor.

The Chancellor is my favorite eunuch.

Sadly, it failed to impress. Sorry, local artist! There were hardly any pictures & I found the text obscene without being particularly titillating. If you enjoy reading exuberantly filthy male fantasy, I’d recommend Nicholson Baker’s The Fermata instead. I finished it a few weeks ago. It’s about a temp who can freeze time & uses his powers to undress women. Vulgar, very fun, & literary to boot. Though I can’t promise you won’t find it offensive.

I read some 3. Sandman last night, though, as per my orders. & I loved it!

ANYWAY.

This morning I was supposed to 4. go to the Vancouver Gaming Guild website to see if I could find someone to play a role-playing game with me tonight. I went, but it didn’t look very busy. Furthermore, I’d decided to take a commenter’s suggestion & do online role playing instead. What can I say? I’m a geek. I suffer from crippling social anxiety & self-diagnosed Asperger’s syndrome.

In the afternoon it was recommended that I 5. research role-playing games. What a kind recommendation! But I was too busy wiling away the hours on Facebook to get around to it.

I made some Kraft Dinner. That’s a geek food, I think. It was not as good as I remember it from my childhood.

I grow more attractive by the day!

Do you see my snake shirt? It’s one of favorites. I bought it for $5 at a store that was going out of business in Ann Arbor. Normally it was at least 12 times more expensive! I bought it because I a) liked the Biblical implications & b) TD is terrified of snakes. But today I thought I should wear it because it is geeky. I’m not sure why it’s geeky but I just have a feeling.

Then I was ready to shirk my errands. In favor of a much more interesting errand that had occurred to me!

What is this errand, you cry? Tell us, Emily! (exploding with love for me)

Well, a lot of people want to send me things. But I’m a lady, & I simply don’t give out my address to strangers on the internet. It’s not because it’s not safe– I have a vicious dog, a formidable security system, & a wholly American love of heavy artillery, plus itchy trigger finger, balcony, large pots, easily-heated oil. But it’s not dignified to give out one’s address.

I was going to get a P.O. Box, but yesterday (while lying on the floor of Elfsar), I was struck with a brilliant idea. Maybe Elfsar could be my post office! Then I’d have an excuse to go back there periodically, despite an almost total lack of interest in comic books. & it’s much more fun than picking up packages from a post office. Then I have other people to delight in my spoils with me! Also, the scenery is better. I ran it by Ethan over email last night & this afternoon headed over. I’m paying them about what I’d pay the post office & they’ll hold my packages for me.

ALSO, I’m going to record every package-receiving excursion. Not in text… certainly not. Nor in photographs — how old fashioned! Video? Well that sounds tedious…

I’ll make little comic strips! I like to be as multimedia as possible these days. So anytime I get a package, you’ll see a little comic about it. Rudimentary, perhaps. But appropriate.

My mailing address is now:

Emily Zinnemann
C/O Elfsar Comics & Toys
1007 Hamilton Street
Vancouver, BC
CANADA V6B 5T4

I love this address as if it were my very own.

Send whatever you want, whenever you want, & I’ll make sure to incorporate it into the project somehow. Of course, you should know you have no control over HOW I’ll incorporate it.

Anyway, I went down to Elfsar (laden with dog food) to see my new best friends. Omar & Ethan! How I love you! A man named Matheus was there too. I bought my package rights for three months plus a Coke.

The guys told me they’d checked the comments & some guy had written a really long one. Let me guess. Ptolemy? Yeah! (They had no trouble with his name, I’ll have you know). They gave me the gist of it, told me it was a one act play, & I was struck with another brilliant idea.

Did they want to act it out? They didn’t seem to want to, exactly, but this was no time to be coy!!

I raced home & fed the dog & got my computer & raced back!

Wow they were good. They only took one take. I kept messing up the end, however.

Results?

I think I speak for all of us when I say 6. QAPLA’! Also, um, 7. maj’

Who knew geeks could be so handsome & talented?

As a sidenote, apparently Ben Trafford came by the store early this morning, seeking Omar for a duel of some sort. Unfortunately for everyone, Omar wasn’t in. Mr. Trafford is apparently a thin man with a pointed goatee! He bought a Coke. That’s all I know.

I left the store & headed to 7-11, where I bought 7. food traditionally associated with gaming [...] Nothing too fancy, and nothing that takes too much time to do. I was still very full from my awful KD, & rather at a loss. But I hit upon it. NERDS! Obviously, those are associated with gaming. I also picked up some Sour Whips (haha — whips) & a slurpee. I think I should get extra geek points for mixing Coca-Cola & cream soda flavors. So there’s my dinner.

Once home, I 8. Watched some Prisoner. A clip on YouTube where the guy shouts he’s Not a number! Very excited for real thing.

Then I 9. Went forth & gamed.

I looked around a little for free online RPG’s but nothing really struck my fancy. Then I hit upon it. I should google RPG’s for girls. I found a lovely website full of girly games.

The first game I played was called “Get a Life.” I found that appropriate. It was similar to my Janet-From-Sales idea. I could do a few exciting things like “Beg for change from Mom” or “Sleep” or “Go to class.” I spent a few minutes playing but I couldn’t figure out how to get my character’s Happiness score up. Though I kept going to the bar to buy drinks, I kept going into negative Happiness points so I got bored & quit. How eerily portentious.

Next I played “Tattoo Artist.” I had to stay in the lines. Next!

“Perfect Wedding Cake” was much more fun. It told me:

Get married is the most sweet and happy thing in one’s life.But a perfect wedding cake is isdispensable part for it.Give you this chance for making a sweet perfect cake to couple of lovers.Best wishes!

I created a beautiful concoction. It had a live butterfly, a ballerina, pink roses, a teddy bear — the works!

Then I played a few more. I made breakfast sandwiches to order, ran a little bakery, & also played “Octomom,” in which I was hired as Octomom’s nanny & I had to feed the babies whatever they wanted or they’d be taken away by social services.

But none of these seemed dangerously addictive.

Finally I hit upon FARM MANIA. I’m might keep playing once I’m done with this post. I have a little farm of my very own. I’ve done so well that I have sheep & lettuce & two varieties of melon, also geese, two buckets, a double-sided hoe — wow, the works.

All I have left to do is 10. email my mother to tell her the gaming geeks didn’t eat me (of course not. All I’ve been doing is scaring off virtual rabbits) & 11. Read Sandman before bed.

If you think this is boring, blame GeekMaster Trafford — not me. As if I have any control over all of this! I’ll spend the rest of this Friday night updating the tags on past entries, like a true Geek.

That’s right. Tag, Virtual Farm, & Email. For tomorrow I Goth.

Comments : 21 Comments »
Tags: my mother, video, suffering, Coke, the future, trouble, comments, food, correspondence, comic books, drinking, the Chancellor, addiction, Ptolemy, interest, love, balconies, BFF's, happiness, nerds, terror, ingenuity, brilliance, YouTube, yesterday, the internet, Facebook, dog food, talent, control, research, websites, the Bible, brain, orders, results, Ann Arbor, games, commenters, dinner, delight, late rising, errands, dignity, girls, Americanisms, pornography, recommendation, snakes, Nicholson Baker, dullness, length, spoils, packages, highlights, Trafford, titillation, geek week, geeks, The Prisoner, comic book stores, ELFSAR, Sandman, obscenity, 7-11, Kraft Dinner, unproductivity, role playing, my comely physique, diet, sugar, powdered cheese, food coloring, fulfillment, fairy tales, episodes, male fantasy, gaming, Asperger's, social anxiety, childhood memories, discounts, shirking, mail attention, guard dogs, security, heavy artillery, trigger finger, pots, oil, comic strips, mailing address, incorporation, names, plays, the gist of it, good looks, goatees, getting a life, wedding cakes, Octomom, Farm Mania
Categories : Uncategorized

Week 9, Day 6

9 09 2009

I’m almost done being lived by the Baileys! It’s been a long & exciting week.

I’ll tell you right off that you can’t expect any pictures. I lost my iPhone! & I can’t find my camera. So you will have to attempt (difficult, I know) to use your imaginations.

The Chancellor is happy to have me back.

That’s all you’re getting from me. Let it be inspiration enough.

Today was a very long day. It began with me waking up with fewer than five hours of sleep under my mother’s dining room table. I’d 1. Flipped The Coin of Destiny the night previous & I had to leave in the morning. Earliest ferry was 10:30. I left a note to that effect on my dining-room-table-tent. (You can watch the whole architectural process, if you’re so inclined, in the post below). Anyway, I woke up & had fifteen minutes to get ready. A few blueberries, pieces of bacon, & hard-boiled egg later, & I found myself back in the trusty family Volvo, ready to face the future.

I nearly missed having a future at all. Arrived at the ferries with just minutes to spare! Bought ticket, raced in. As I was about to text TD with a snide comment about the supremely Canadian “Female Washroom” sign in the terminal, realized my phone was gone. The horror! Probably in my mother’s car?

Felt my cell like a phantom limb the whole ride back to Vancouver. Though eventually it began to feel like a timeless, underwater state. A little bliss in that, I’ll admit.

I’m supposed to 2. Flip The Coin for all minor decisions. I was lost enough & discovered a way to circumnavigate it. I wouldn’t make any decisions. For the next several hours I followed my impulses without thinking about them, much as I always do. I bought the New Yorker & read it on the ferry. The wrongful execution story prompted a tear or two.

Then I took the (non-express) bus back to the city. Braden had my keys & I had no way of getting in touch with him, but I remained very calm. After an hour or so on the bus (insane man explaining to us that the Japanese kill heroes, but he, on the other hand, was a military captain of Jesus, here to spread the “Don’t worry, be happy” word!), I exited with my suitcase & headed for a nearby coffee bar with wireless access.

Sent some desperate emails. Jess! Call Braden! Sipped tea. Still no decisions. I was kind of like a Vulcan. Or at least a Vulcan as I understand it from watching Trekkies– never seen an episode of Star Trek in my life. I unquestioningly followed my own logic & no hemming & hawing or coin-flipping was necessary. Smart. I eventually got in touch with Braden & headed to his work to get my keys.

We stopped for sushi. I selected commenter Suzanne’s either/or directive. 3. Hot drink or cold? I got tails. I eschewed the free tea in favor of a non-free can of coke.

I eventually made it home around 5:00. Long day at the office.

Meanwhile, tonight’s date AND my back-up date were supremely MIA. I made a deal with Braden & he promised to be my third go-to man if the date ultimately fell through. I waited for Braden to get off work & accomplished some of my directives.

I 4. consulted the I Ching to see which Radio Lab podcast I should listen to. I got Hexagram 42 (Augmenting/Increase) with the alternate 24 (Return). Obviously, I was to listen to “Time.”

I 5. Listened to it.

Perhaps it’s because I think about time a lot, but this was the first Radio Lab which failed to fully impress. I’ve always experienced time differently than others, & I suppose I’ve also researched time a little — maybe this is why none of the information in the program was particularly new or surprising to me. Or maybe I was just busy. Eventually, I listened with half an ear. My favorite quote? “The joy of time is when you lose it completely.”

I admit, I experienced time VERY differently today. I had no phone– & thus no clock. I made very few decisions. & it lasted a pleasant eternity. Things were soon to speed up, however.

Should I email the team at Radio Lab & ask them to participate in my project? 6. Flipped. Yes.

Did. Unfortunately, when/if they come to this site, they’ll be presented with this rather dull & photo-less entry. But that’s part of destiny too, I suppose.

Then I emailed the Bailey sisters. We’re all to go to the casino tomorrow. I 5. flipped The Coin to determine the details. Results?

1. Jeans hoodie and sunglasses
2. Hard bar
3. Go with two others
4. Bike
5. Red lipstick
6. $81 spending money

I emailed them with our destiny.

Magali responded:

Grand. What time? Want to come here first or shall we meet there?

So many people have decisions for me!

TAILS: we’ll meet here.
HEADS: they’ll pick the time.

There you have it. Suddenly time began to move very fast! I was prepped for a quiet night with Braden, when I received an email from tonight’s date! A flurry of planning began. Then I left my house almost immediately. Took the skytrain (for the first time) to the movie theatre where most of tonight’s date was to unfold!

In our pre-chat, we realized we have a lot in common. Not only is he from Ann Arbor (what coincidence!), he’s also lived in LA. Then 6. I flipped The Coin to see if I could get popcorn. NO. But then they made it fresh. 7. Now? YES.

As far as my directives go, should I remind you of the details?

no makeup
indoor
(nighttime)
pants
hair down
booze
smoke
don’t talk about project
goldfish

So anyway, we went to watch Inglourious Basterds. I was certainly 8. wearing pants & definitely had 9. no make-up & my hair was almost 100% 10. down. We were 11. indoors, of course, & it was 12. nighttime. I 13. didn’t talk about the project either. We 14. drank some covert whiskey in the theatre. By the time the strudel scene rolled around he turned to me & asked if I wanted to leave. Um, yes?! A man after my own heart! There is nothing I love more than walking out of a movie!

I’d resigned myself to watching the whole thing (eyes closed during violence, of course) as I thought it was part of my destiny. But normally I would not be so patient. I didn’t have to make a decision, however: he wanted to leave too!! We walked out. Giddy with joy.

Then he suggested we drive to a bar. I 15. Flipped the Coin of Destiny & it said he wasn’t a serial killer. Ok. The coin is never wrong.

In the parking garage, his pick-up truck suggested otherwise. Or perhaps I misread the NRA sticker? Or the stained twin mattress, empty coconut shell, length of rope & metal tools in the back. Still, who am I to argue with fate? & if he killed me, well — any publicity is good publicity. I told him that God was watching him & if he was going to murder me, he should do it gently. We got in the car & 16. smoked a cigarette before heading to the bar.

Cigarettes are a filthy habit, but I don’t have any control over my directives.

Then we split a pitcher of beer & my new friend Joe attempted to seduce me. It was an admirable effort, & it certainly would’ve worked on me if I were 17. I told him as much, then gave him helpful pointers for the future. Though he’s already very good & he probably doesn’t need them. Speaking of 17, I attempted to work 17. goldfish into the conversation. I had a particularly good lateral thinking question in mind. But as the topics of conversation would not veer from lesbian experimentation, the kind of sex I had with my ex-boyfriend, & his work in the air conditioning business, we never quite reached the transcendent realm of lateral thinking. I eventually forgot all about it, as I was having too much fun. I’m sorry. I’ve failed you.

His knuckles were all taped up. I asked him if it was from cutting up prostitutes. But much to my relief, it was nothing like that. Just a run-of-the-mill barfight. I was very impressed.

Then, against my better judgment, we went back to his apartment where…

I waited for my cab! He was a true gentleman. You know, on plentyoffish (the dating website I was required to sign up for this week) we were 97% compatible. That’s why I went with him. & despite our vast differences on the surface, I sense a kindred spirit within. I have to say I was very fond of this guy. We’ll stay in touch (we better!) & I’m going to be his wingman (I hope!). I’m a really good wingman. Also he is a DJ & he can introduce me to some electronic music.

Actually I kind of love Joe. He says I think too much but I love him anyway. Do you hear that, Joe? I love you!

Now it’s time for bed. I’m going to sleep for a hundred years. Sorry about the lack of pictures, but my phone will arrive in the mail tomorrow or day after. If I wake up with a long white beard I’ll be sure to document it for posterity.

Give me some more either/or’s! I still have one day left. So excited for casino tomorrow. Though I’ve never been to one & I don’t even know the rules of poker, that just makes it more exciting.

Comments : 12 Comments »
Tags: admirable efforts, air-conditioning, Ann Arbor, apartments, augmentation, bacon, barfights, bars, beer, bliss, blueberries, Braden, buses, cabs, Canadianisms, casinos, circumnavigation, clocks, coconut shells, coffee bars, Coin of Destiny, coincidence, Coke, cold drinks, compatibility, control, correspondence, dates, dating, deals, decisions, departure, desperation, destiny, difference, directives, DJs, driving, early rising, eggs, enough, eternity, ex-boyfriends, excitement, execution, exiting, experimentation, failure, fate, female washrooms, ferries, filthy habits, flipping, fondness, forgetting, gentlemen, getting in touch, getting ready, giddiness, God, goldfish, hair, hemming & hawing, hexagrams, hot drinks, I Ching, imagination, impulses, indoors, Inglourious Basterds, insanity, inspiration, iPhone, Joe, joy, keys, knuckles, LA, lateral thinking, lesbians, listening, logic, long days at the office, looking forward, loss, love, Magali, make up, mattresses, men after my own heart, metal, MIA, movies, murder, my better judgment (against), New Yorker, nighttime, NRA, online dating, pants, patience, phantom limbs, pick up trucks, pitchers, planning, plentyoffish, podcasts, pointers, popcorn, prostitutes, publicity, Quentin Tarantino, quotation, Radiolab, reading, resignation, return, Rip Van Winkle, rope, seduction, serial killers, sex, skytrain, sleep, smoking, speed, Star Trek, strudel, suitcases, sushi, Suzanne, talking, tape, TD, tea, tears, tents, The Bailey Sisters, the future, the project, theatres, time, timelessness, tools, transcendence, Trekkies, Volvo, Vulcans, walking out of movies, whiskey, wingmen, wireless
Categories : Uncategorized

Week 8, Day 6

2 09 2009

Hello, ladies. Hello, gentler men.

As we enter September, we near the close of our vicarious vacation/local eating week. Tomorrow will be the project’s two month mark! That means we are 2/13 through, as far as I can gather. But my math is only at a 5th grade level, so I might be wrong. This calculation required me to close my eyes & count on my fingers, while whispering aloud how many times two goes into fifty-two & so forth.

Today was a long, lazy day– one of the first I’ve had in ages! Allyson’s schedule for the day was remarkably lenient: her only stipulation was that I 1. eat a local diet &, of course, 2. post one reason why people should eat locally at the end of the day. Well, I managed. Will manage!

I stayed in bed for ages. AGES! Till noon! I had a bunch of tedious tasks ahead of me, like paying bills & returning videos, & I didn’t want to do any of them. So I put it off by sleeping an incredible amount. I’ll have you know, none of my chores got done. But I did dream of Allyson, this week’s puppetmaster!

After I arose, I ate a salami sandwich– the first of many throughout the day. Very simple (& local!), my sandwich consisted of 3. venison salami, 4. butter, 5. organic fantain bread. The breakfast of champions indeed! Spent the next several hours tooling around facebook, catching up on blogs & so forth I haven’t read since I began this project, & playing a lot of Word Challenge. I also 6. snacked on blueberries.

Then I ate some leftover spring rolls from my fridge. I’d intended to give away my leftovers, but Allyson, in a comment below, informed me that:

Eating what you already have in the cupboard, particularly condiments is more than acceptable! It is the RIGHT thing to do. [...]When I started my local eating project with my own family…we ate through what existed in our pantry until it was gone…that included a lot of non-local foods, but wasting would have been the greater offense.

So I did the right thing.

Then I went to bed to read The Unbearable Lightness of Being, which is, by the way, much more interesting now that I’m not nineteen, & take a nap before doing my chores. Well, I napped through the chore-doing window. But I feel little remorse, if much dread for the future & my credit score.

After waking, lazed around some more. Ate another salami sandwich (I believe this was my third). This time I added 7. tomato, 8. goat cheese, & 9. romaine lettuce.

The tomato is in hiding, but it was delicious.

Much better than soggy leftover non-local spring roll.

Made an album on facebook & continued to play Word Challenge. Despite my fondest efforts, I have yet to beat my high score of 37,945. (I am ranked as an Anagram Cyborg, the highest possible level. But how I yearn for more points!)

Then I dared to 10. eat a peach.

I am, by nature, lazy & indolent. I enjoyed myself immensely today, as such laziness is a rare privilege these days, but did feel a little guilty that I wasn’t hunting out exciting local food challenges all over the city. Future participants should perhaps be forewarned that, if I have no real orders in a day I will likely stay in my pajamas reading till nightfall. I take direction like a real pro & have never missed a deadline in my life. But without direction & deadlines? I’m a slug-a-bed.

Things would have continued much in this vein (ie. nothing to write home about about which to write home, as you can see) if it weren’t for Olivia who called me to save the day! She & her sisters, Magali & Cat, have great plans for me for Week 9. My presence was requested at Magali’s new apartment, where I would drink some wine & pick up some supplies for the coming week.

Here's a hint.

After dressing myself (around 7:00pm) & receiving a phone call from our friend TD (who saw a whale in Maine), I headed over Magali’s way. I picked up a bottle of 11. local wine, since I didn’t know what they’d be drinking.

Glad I did! Their wine was from Argentina (very good, from the sounds of it). I happily opened my bottle. They also had snacks– some of which I could actually eat! The pita bread, olives, hummus, & celery sticks were verboten. But there were also some local 12. blueberries & 13. carrot sticks. I felt a little annoying when I had to ask Are you SURE these are local? But it was heartening that they knew for sure. “The carrots are definitely local,” said Jamie (?), Magali’s roommate, “I bought them myself!”

Welcome to the love snack.

I normally don’t know where the food I buy comes from. Now, of course, I’m much more conscious of it. So there was something very nice (& humbling) about the idea that other people, people who don’t spend all their time thinking of eating locally, are aware of where the food they eat is produced!

After discussing local diets & the impending Week 9, we settled into a nice long chat about love & marriage & all those sort of things. I may have scarred poor Olivia for life. How I miss the innocence of youth! It’s tough being a world-weary, hardened 25. But you try spending two years in a graduate program at the University of Michigan & see if you still walk out believing in love as they sell it to you.

Magali & ... Jamie? I really liked her, even if I'm not quite sure of her name...

All good things must come to, etc. & I left with Olivia shortly before midnight. We spent some time pondering the tallest building in Vancouver. Walked her to her bus stop, then headed home. Energized by this past week & looking forward to next one.

Once home, I 14. ate a carrot. Tried to get a picture, but my Mac (the old one) was not very co-operative.

Then took Bella for her walk. They’re filming on our street right now, & she’s not too sure about that. Also she’s still mourning the loss of TD.

Now I’m home, writing to you lovely people. There’s a man playing guitar on the balcony across the street. It’s nice when men earnestly strum guitars if they’re not in your living room. He’s much more pleasant to “be around” now that he broke up with his girlfriend. How do I know this? I’m a very unashamed voyeur. If you’re here with me now, you know how it is.

Anyway, I have a reason why you should eat locally. It’s inevitably much healthier. When your food options are severely limited, you delight in finding things that you might otherwise find boring. Not only are processed foods, sodas, etc. off the horizon, but suddenly, potatoes & green beans become exciting! I assume this would be particularly good for people with children. The “hunting & gathering” effect that local eating simulates makes food feel like a reward for careful labor, instead of something you take for granted.

Happy September, everyone. New bios & schedule will be up tomorrow. You’ll also witness me plan & execute a small local foods dinner party!

Comments : 15 Comments »
Tags: ages, all good things must come to an end, Anagram Cyborg, apartments, Argentina, assumption, beginnings, Bella, bills, blogs, blueberries, bottles, bread, breakfast of champions, buildings, bus stops, butter, calculation, carrots, Cat, celery, challenge, chatting, children, chores, comments, consciousness, continuing, cooperation, correspondence, counting, credit scores, deadlines, diets, dinner parties, dreams, earnestness, eating, effort, energy, Facebook, fifth grade, filming, fondness, food, forewarning, gentlemen, girlfriends, goat cheese, good things, grad school, green beans, guilt, guitar, health, high scores, home, hummus, hunting, indolence, innocence, interest, Jamie, labor, ladies, late rising, laziness, leftovers, leniency, local foods, love, Magali, Maine, managing, marriage, math, men, midnight, months, naps, nature, nothing to write home about, Olivia, orders, pajamas, peaches, pita, plans, pondering, potatoes, privilege, production, project, puppetmasters, quotation, reading, reasons, reward, romaine lettuce, roommates, salami, sandwiches, schedules, September, sleep, slug-a-bed, snacks, spring rolls, stipulations, strumming, supplies, tasks, TD, tedium, the future, the right thing, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, tomatoes, vacation, verboten, videos, voyeurism, whales, whispering, windows, wine, wine bottles, witness, Word Challenge, writing, youth
Categories : Uncategorized

Week 7, Day 6

26 08 2009

Today was my first good day of being lived by Fernando. I’m not sure what it is. The company? The light at the end of the tunnel? Or the inevitable resignation to the week which comes, each week, by Monday? Anyway, friends, it was good. Or good enough.

I woke up early, as usual, but had to 1. stay in bed until 10:40 (up late with Jess [P] I didn’t make it to bed until 2:40 last night). I find when I’m confined to bed until a particular hour, I experience a much greater sense of impotence than I did when “paralysed” & confined to a wheelchair, as in Week 6. I tossed & turned, & read some of the Nicholson Baker book I picked up recently.

Then arose. Did some light housework while Jess was in the shower & then made some tea for her (hot 2. water for me) & chatted before she left for lunch.

Jess, artfully backlit.

As she prepared to leave, I 3. prepared my breakfast of oatmeal. By now you know the drill. I 4. added some blueberries as it was cooking & then 5. sweetened the whole mess with honey. Said my goodbyes to Jess & got on the phone with a future participant (not to give too much away, but it involves a vineyard!).

Meanwhile, Bella finished my mostly uneaten oatmeal.

Mairzy doats & dozy doats

Then I waited… & waited… & waited for Braden to arrive so we could 6. watch La jetée/Sans soleil.

Just as I gave up & started the movie(s) he arrived. We had a grand old time with the films.

They seemed a little dull at first & throughout. I eventually liked the first one very much. The second one made me awfully sleepy, & there was a particularly horrible moment in which I had to watch a dying giraffe with spurts of blood coming out of the gunshot wounds on either side of its neck. That woke me up a little.

By the time the second film ended (& it seemed interminably long) I realized that the movie was not boring, exactly. Rather, it so closely approximated a dream state that it was impossible not to feel very sleepy as it was going on. I can’t say I exactly enjoyed watching it, but after it was over I felt I was in a heightened state of consciousness. I’ve never seen a film quite like it before. Nor a film quite like the other one (composed almost entirely of still snapshots & a voiceover). Each worked within an entirely unfamiliar genre & I was certainly improved by watching them. It’s hard to explain, though I’m sure I could do it if I wasn’t so tired right now. If you’re curious, I recommend that you watch them for yourselves.

Bella & Braden fell into deep post-Sans soleil slumber.

I 7. Read the booklet that came with the DVD. I liked it much better than the other one. There was a short interview with Chris Marker (the director) & I appreciated his refreshing snarkiness.

Woke up Braden, & began my long 8. walk to the 7-11. Then we sat in a park, where I was to 9. Write whatever came to mind. Prompted by Sans soleil, I decided to write a list of the first 10 things I saw which “quickened the heart.” I would have liked to take corresponding photographs, as it seemed only right, but I’d left my phone at home, sadly. Here’s the list.

glint of bearded man’s septum piercing
pigeon coasting on an updraft
brown water moving over green tile inset in stone moat of fountain
tree with a knot in it, small manageable size
congregation of pigeons bathing on ledge of fountain
skull patch on arm of sweatshirt belonging to 1. as he leaves park
my shoelaces are still too long (I always appreciate this extravagance on part of designer)
shadows of pigeons on blue, sky-colored wall
long ears of Wiemaraner disappearing behind wall of red flowers, smoke coming out of owner’s nostrils
airplane noise? passing train? buses. like movement of wind over mouth of cave/breath over neck of a bottle

So there, I’ve 10. posted what I wrote.

Then I went home, where I prepared my 11. no-carb lunch. It’s an exciting new take on cucumber sandwiches. I cut open a cucumber & scraped the seeds out, then put a can of tuna in the middle. With some seasoning & mayonnaise for good measure, of course.

Curiouser. & curiouser.

I ate this bizarre concoction. I 12. took my time, enjoyed it.

Then, after some more Nicholson Baker, I read a random page from 13. Luis Cernuda’s Written in Water. The poem was “Time.” The final paragraph of the poem reads:

There, in the absolute silence of summer, underscored by the murmuring water, my eyes open to the clear half-darkness that heightens the mysterious life of things, I saw how time can hold still, suspended in air, like the cloud that conceals a god, pure and weightless, never passing.

Quite appropriate. It encapsulated the strange sensory experience I’d been having since the movies ended very nicely. Right down to the murmuring water.

I went about my chores.

Then I finished my (somewhat pornographic) Nicholson Baker book on the couch. As soon as I was done, I had a call from TD. He was outside! He’d finally arrived! I took out the garbage & then joyfully went to greet him.

After I got dressed in normal clothing, we went for a 14. walk. Where did we walk? To 15. dinner. It was delicious, if carb-less. He consumed the entire contents of the breadbasket. Good. It was otherwise too tempting to me. We got some oysters & he had some chowder & I had some steamed clams. I would’ve taken a picture but I’d forgotten my phone again.

Upon returning home, TD took the dog for her nightly constitutional & I sat down to 16. write for an hour. Here you see the result of that writing.

Tomorrow we have a very busy day. Not only do I have to accomplish all of my directives for Day 7, I also have to run some errands, rent a car, & ferry over to Galiano Island, where a family friend has graciously agreed to lend me a house for the first few days of Week 8. Quite excited. Next week we will witness a new strain of vicarious living, perhaps more true to the intentions of the project. It’s being choreographed by a certifiable stranger (only the second true stranger we’ve seen).

All I have left to do is 17. abstain from use of electronic devices in the hour before bed & 18. go to bed at 2:20am. I’m at this point so well-versed in Week 7 that I have the whole schedule down by memory. Staying up late will be hard to do– I have almost three empty hours looming before me, along with a house guest who will certainly be asleep well before 2:20am.

I suppose I will occupy myself by responding to comments, handing out a gold star, & maybe picking up another book to read before turning in.

Oh, the fun of it.

Comments : 9 Comments »
Tags: absoluteness, addition, agreement, airplanes, appreciation, appropriateness, arms, arrival, bathing, beards, bed, Bella, bibliomancy, bizarreness, blood, blueberries, blueness, booklets, books, boredom, bottlenecks, bottles, Braden, breadbaskets, breakfast, breath, buses, business, calls, cans, cars, certainty, chatting, chores, chowder, Chris Marker, clams, clothing, clouds, color, comments, company, confinement, congregation, couches, cucumber, curiosity, cutting, days, death, deliciousness, designers, dinner, directives, disappearance, dogs, dream states, dullness, ears, electronic devices, encapsulation, ending, enjoyment, errands, extravagance, eyes, family friends, Fernando, film, finishing, flowers, forgetting, fountains, friends, fun, Galiano Island, garbage, genre, giraffes, God, gold stars, good measure, goodbye, goodness, greeting, half-darkness, heightening, home, honey, horror, house guests, housework, impotence, improvement, inevitablity, intention, interviews, iPhone, it's hard to explain, knots, La jetée, leaving, ledges, lending, length, light at the end of the tunnel, liking, lists, Luis Ceruda, lunch, mayonnaise, memory, men, moats, moments, Mondays, mouths, movies, murmuring, mystery, necks, never, niceness, Nicholson Baker, night, noise, normality, nostrils, oatmeal, occupation, outside, owners, oysters, pages, paragraphs, paralysis, parks, participants, passing, pictures, pigeons, poetry, pornography, posting, project, purity, quickening, randomness, reading, recommendation, red, renting, resignation, response, results, right, sandwiches, Sans soleil, seasoning, seeds, seeing, senses, sensory experience, septum piercings, shadows, shoelaces, showers, silence, size, skulls, sleepiness, smoke, snapshots, snarkiness, sound, spurts, states of consciousness, staying up, stillness, strangeness, strangers, summer, suspension, sweatshirts, sweetening, taking one's time, tea, temptation, the future, the heart, the sky, tiles, tiredness, tossing & turning, trains, trees, truth, tuna, unfamiliarity, updrafts, vicarious living, vineyards, voiceover, waiting, waking up, walking, walls, water, weightlessness, Weimaraners, wheelchairs, wind, writing, Written in Water
Categories : Uncategorized

Week 6, Day 6

18 08 2009

The end is near.

This was Day 6 in a wheelchair. Of course, I also had other things to accomplish.

Today seemed as if it would be quite taxing, but in fact it was one of the better days I’ve had so far! Funny how it always seems to work out like that.

First I 1. got up & showered. I’m getting used to showering in a wheelchair. So at this point, it was fairly routine. Fifteen relaxing minutes in above the tub.

Then, around one-ish, Olivia arrived & we 2. Took Bella for a walk. This is the first time this week I took the dog myself! Bella was pretty good. I kept running over her toes & at one point she was attacked by two off-leash toy poodles. The owner shouted, from a safe distance, “If she bites it will teach them a lesson!” Certainly, if the intended lesson was death. But Bella seemed to understand I didn’t have the strength to wrangle her & stood very still as the poodles jumped all over her, biting & yipping. Lucky for them. She’s not always so tolerant.

After this, Olivia & I 3. Headed to the Vancouver Art Gallery.

Speaking of chairs,

I didn’t feel like going to the museum on a nice sunny day, but actually it was very pleasant & relaxing. It took us an hour to get through the exhibitions. I was expecting that it would all be Canadian artists, but, thank God, it wasn’t! It was a show of 16th & 17th century Dutch realist painters.

There was also, for some reason, a reconstruction of a 1950s household. I felt very happy rolling about in it. As if I were in Mad Men! But with none of the disappointing Season Threeness.

We would have got better pictures, but we had to be very sneaky. Photos, after all, are verboten in art galleries. I got Olivia to pretend she was texting on my phone & finally we got one.

By the way, I look kind of fat in the picture to the right. I’d like to tell you all that that is the material of my skirt & shirt! Not, in fact, my stomach. If you remember the spandex photos, I am blessed with an essentially flat stomach. Vanity! will be the death of me.

I was supposed to 4. Spend two hours in the exhibitions, but there wasn’t exactly two hours of looking to be done.

Nor was there time to look & eat (part of 5) before everything closed down. So I may or may not have accomplished that particular directive. I certainly have spent beyond two hours in the exhibition in my heart. It’s stuck with me all day, in fact. Also, I’ve never been to the VAG (of all acronyms, Vancouver, really?) — never WOULD have gone, & now fully intend to return. So perhaps I’m on a payment plan? This doesn’t feel like a failure, but it possibly is. I’ll leave it to you to decide. Please note, too, that I was on the property of the VAG for at least 3.5 hours.

My "pity me" expression could use some work.

After wandering through the exhibit, we 5. went to the Gallery Café for lunch- it was certainly difficult & interesting to 6. find the alternative entrance! It involved all sorts of tricks. Intercoms, elevators, secret passwords– but eventually we made it.

Also, I was mistaken for Kyla for the first time this week! I knew it was bound to happen & am somewhat surprised it hasn’t happened sooner! When we were younger (19-ish), we were often mistaken for identical twins. As life has taken its terrible toll on our faces, we no longer get that much. But evidentally one woman at the museum still sees the resemblance. I’m flattered!

I’ve wanted a nose job FOREVER & I always tell Kyla that if I ever scrape the money together I’m going to ask for her nose.

The food was mediocre but the company was very good. Olivia & I don’t know each other that well (she’s one of my friend’s younger sisters) but we bonded over all sorts of topics. & now we are actual friends!

Also, we managed to get a bucket of beer for happy hour price, though it was not yet happy hour, because I was in a wheelchair. So that lubricated things a little.

My only sunshine

Olivia doesn’t like this picture of her but I felt I had to put it up. She’s too adorable! If she asks me, I’ll take it down.

After lunch, we hung out & chatted by the fountain. Kyla called me earlier today &, unprompted, cancelled one of her previous directives. I was supposed to 7. Sit outside on a busy street and hand out Emily, Lived By: postcards & get a friend to do the same on a street nearby, noting the difference in attitudes between my experience & that of my friend’s.

Well, I ALWAYS accept cancellations (though not last minute additions to schedule). Olivia & I were both pleased that we didn’t have to humiliate ourselves in this manner. You can imagine what it would have been like– it’s the idea of doing this that’s most important, really. Me enacting it for you all would not have made much of a difference. I commend Kyla for (with, I promise, no pressure on my part!) recognizing this.

Olivia & I delighted in the unexpected free time. Sat by the fountains & pondered life. So forth.

Olivia & her sisters are also on board to do a collaborative week. So we discussed that a little. Very excited to learn that their week (though I don’t know the details!) will be a real departure from many of the somewhat mundane self-improvement schedules I’ve encountered so far. Lately, my schedules, though very improving, have been a little dull– or at least, psychologically unchallenging– for me. So it’s nice to know the tides will shift soon. Perhaps this shifting will provide a good example for future participants!

Look at Olivia. What a saint. She practically glows!

Fortified by our new freedom, etc. we headed to a bar. Where we drank two pitchers of beer– goodness! Can you believe I’m writing this so coherently?

Olivia will also accompany on my directives tomorrow. We’ve plotted up a way to make them more interesting.

She helped me wheel home & before she left I gave her my copy of Suze Orman’s Young, Broke & Fabulous, as I think it might help her sort out her credit card troubles. Thanks, Mom, for Week 1!

Now I have only a few things left to do. I’ve 8. Relaxed & also 9. Spent time writing my blog.

I just have to 10. Make dinner & eat (I’m thinking some cheese puffs?) & finally 11. Lie in bed & contract my muscles from head to toe, working down my body including face, fingers and toes. Contract each muscle for 30 seconds, release, then go to sleep.

It will be done AND done.

Regarding the coming week: I received my schedule two days late & overwhelming majority of commenters proposed that I take two days off but blog about both of them. Looking at the schedule, I see that it’s not too taxing. It’s kind of weird to blog about my days off & I really hate the idea of not doing this project for three whole days in a row.

SO. I’ve decided to compromise: I will take one day off. I will blog (& project) for five days of the week, but have a rare two day weekend. In the future, as Ben Tilly has suggested (uncannily in line with my thoughts), I will have understudies ready to step in & late schedules will no longer be a problem.

Hi up there!

If any of you have complaints, you can address them to the Chancellor.

I’ve also come up with an amazing plan for my final week. You’ll just have to wait till then to see what it is.

See you tomorrow!

Comments : 24 Comments »
Tags: 1950s, accompaniment, accomplishment. working out, adorability, alternative, bars, beer, Bella, bending the rules, biting, blogging, bonding, buckets, cancellation, challenges, coherence, collaboration, company, complaints, compromise, correspondence, credit score, decision, departures, difficulty, dinner, directives, discussion, distance, dog walks, Dutch Realism, elevators, enactment, entrance, examples, exhibitions, fat, flat stomachs, fountains, freedom, galleries, happy hour, intention, intercoms, interest, iPhone, lateness, lessons, life, looking, lubrication, lunch, Mad Men, making it, mediocrity, mistaken identity, moms, mundane, muscles, museums, nose jobs, Olivia, payment plans, pictures, pitchers, plans, pleasure, plotting, pondering, poodles, property, psychology, relaxing, return, routine, secret passwords, self-improvement, shirts, showers, sisters, skirts, sneakiness, spandex, stillness, sun, Suze Orman, texting, the Chancellor, the end is near, the future, the VAG, tides shifting, toes, tolerance, tricks, tub, twins, understudies, Vancouver Art Gallery, vanity, wanting, weather, wheelchairs, wrangling, YF&B
Categories : Uncategorized

Week 5, Day 7

13 08 2009

Friends, it has been another long day. My days, however, will only get longer!

The schedule for next week is up, along with my participant’s bio. Due to technical difficulties, her video will follow tomorrow.

I got the schedule a day late. In the future, I will take one additional day off for each day the schedule is late. The psychological demands of this project are enormous & I believe this is only fair. Kyla’s schedule, however, is so extraordinarily good that I have decided to fulfill each of her directives without complaint.

Now it comes to the day at hand! I 1. Woke up early (no small feat, considering the antics I was up to last night). After posting the below entry, I went back to bed for a long while. Then I 2. ate a salad, 3. warmed up & 4. ran two miles. I am so proud of myself! For the first time in my life, I ran a full mile without stopping! It took me nine minutes & fourteen seconds. I 5. stretched afterwards.

I have yet to 6. weigh myself, but I can assure you that I am much slimmer. As of yesterday, I had gained one pound. Of muscle, I presume.

In the shower following I delighted in my new (soon to be lost) muscle tone.

Adam had also informed me that there was free outdoor yoga at 5:00pm & he would “like for me” to attend. His desire was duly noted. Since I was very busy, had no yoga mat, & am a lover of loopholes, I did not oblige. Let this be a lesson to future participants! Phrasing is everything.

I feel guilty but only a little.

Then I had another nap. By the way, the Chancellor’s beverages of choice are: diluted whiskey, balsamic vinegar, & contact lens solution. Keeping these things out of his reach requires constant vigilance. What’s his deal, anyway? & as a kitten, he loved olives. Also lighting himself on fire.

Today I also had to 7. climb five trees. What a chore! Fortunately, I recruited Simon, my blind date from Week 2, & we went to Stanley Park. He very obligingly held my purse & took pictures with my iPhone while I accomplished my directives.

Onward, ho.

Onward!

This one was particularly filthy. & I had to leap into Simon's arms when I was done.

Downward, dawg!

Mission? Accomplished.

Then we sat on the beach & watched the sunset, drinking some leftover wine. Simon is my new BFF!

Also, by the way, I found some blackberries. Blackberry picking has always been one of my favorite activities.

The worst part of everything was that I had to 8. go dancing. I’m excellent dancing in darkened living rooms, but not a big fan of other scenarios.

We went to a blues club (where, I might add, I saw the whitest blues I’ve ever heard!) & it turns out everyone there was swing dancers. They had special shoes & everything. It took us about an hour to gather our nerves. After some liquid courage, we got up on the stage & danced for approximately one minute. No pictures, thank god. We left partway through the song & never looked back!

I hope that Simon & I will continue to platonically date until the end of time.

9. Drinking nothing but water has really taken its toll on me. Tomorrow I will subsist entirely on slurpees.

All I have left to do is 10. Core exercises. I’ll exercise my core like there’s no tomorrow.

Unfortunately for me, there is a tomorrow. Fortunately, it’s a tomorrow in which I learn what it’s like to live as a paraplegic. Next week should be an incredible experience for all of us.

Comments : 17 Comments »
Tags: yoga, bending the rules, pictures, Stanley Park, rules, whiskey, the future, slurpees, naps, dancing, iPhone, blackberries, goodness, the Chancellor, directives, BFF's, accomplishment, blind dates, Simon, olives, pride, lateness, water, liking, lessons, experience, desire, salad, weigh-ins, weight, running, warm up, miles, early rising, muscles, stretching, purses, s, fitness, slimness, muscle tone, delight, yoga mats, loopholes, obligation, phrasing, guilt, balsamic vinegar, contact lens solution, vigilance, kittens, fire, trees, climbing trees, chores, the beach, sunsets, living rooms, scenarios, blues, swing dancing, gathering nerves, liquid courage, leaving, platonic love, paraplegic
Categories : Uncategorized

Week 5, Day 5

11 08 2009

Well, I officially kind of love Mondays. It seems by Monday of each week I really hit my stride. My directives become natural & easy to accomplish. Today, I even had plenty of time to read & have a nap!

But first things first. The World Police & Fire Games ended on Sunday. Obviously, I did not have time to 1. attend five events earlier in the week. Also, my car is now uninsured & most of the events were held in cities outside Vancouver.

So, on my day off, I got a coffee (thanks, Salinger!) & trudged a mile through the rain to the Vancouver Convention Centre, which was listed as the day’s venue on the WPAG website. There I was told that I would have to walk 30 minutes in the opposite direction to the Plaza of Nations, where there was only one event left. They were doing something called Muster.

This was the first assignment I seriously contemplated not completing. But I thought that would set an unhealthy precedent, knew I should put in the effort, & went anyway. Turns out that Muster is a test of muster. Oh.

Teams of firemen competed to see who could set up a ladder, climb it, & hand up buckets of water to fill a big barrel on top of a platform the fastest.

I watched at least five competitions between ten countries. I hold that these were discrete events & consider my mission accomplished!

After relaxing with a smoothie (unfortunately verboten during the working week) with Braden, I headed to Jess & Braden’s place & helped Jess set up her website. No rest for the wicked! Then we got some delicious Thai food & watched Bedazzled (the original version). I think it parallels this project very closely. But who am I? Dudley Moore? Or Peter Cook? Rent it & tell me!

Also came up with many ingenious ideas for the project. I am positively brimming with ingenuity these days.

Upon arriving home, I’d received Adam’s video clips! I cobbled them together & they are very informative & funny, despite the unfortunate but apparently inevitable watermark.

He demonstrates the core exercises he’s assigned to me & then, as a lovely bonus, takes us on a tour of his high school bedroom & shows you what I wrote in his yearbook! It was hilarious, if only to me.

Those of you interested in getting in shape should watch the core exercises in particular! I’ve found them extremely beneficial & not so easy as they look. Those of you merely interested in stalking me should skip the core exercises & watch the bedroom tour. You’ll get an intimate glance of me at fifteen.

I am officially somebody who works even on my days off. I’ve got to cut that out.

Anyway, this morning I was really on top of my game. I 2. woke up early & 3. did core & warm-up. Then Braden kindly let me into his building so I could 4. run 1.5 miles on their treadmill. I did it in 15 minutes! When I began, it took me over 11 minutes to run a mile. This time, (I admit I walked one “lap”), a mile only took me 10! I love seeing fast results. Now, I feel like my muscles want to be active. This is particularly difficult, as I’m exercising under the shadow of Week 6. When I post the schedule, you’ll see what I mean!

Also, I 5. stretched.

The escorts across the street are making fun of me again. They make fun of me because I’m always up late writing. They probably think I’m playing some sort of internet game. I suppose I am, but it’s a very exciting one. Anyway, my reward is in heaven.

I went home for a shower then met Braden for lunch (so I could 6. eat a meal within an hour of my workout). I had some potato leek soup & a 7. kale salad.

Goodness & fun are still mutually exclusive.

When I arrived home, I checked my mail. To my delight, Ptolemy had sent me a book! It’s his most famous one, Paradise Fever. & he included a lovely autograph! You should all buy it & read. Then maybe you’ll understand why he’s so smart & interesting.

He's tied with Simon Armitage

I’m getting quite a collection of interesting autographed books. I got Amy Hempel to autograph one for Bella, & Simon Armitage gave me a lovely & very decorative autograph after a night of heavy drinking at Old Town. Boy is my life exciting.

Once upstairs, with the help of a friend’s mother, I tracked down the number of one of my favorite high school teachers. I called her, but she wasn’t in. I 8. left a voicemail with my number.

Then I crawled into bed with my new book & the Chancellor. Very compelling read! Made it halfway thru then dozed.

Afterwards, got a wrap & went to Jess’s, where I helped her transcribe an interview for a documentary. I love repetitive mindless labor, & this was no exception! I’m now considering applying for a job as a transcriber (transcriptionist?), so I can transcribe things on my day off & make money for a new computer. That should show you the abundance of energy I have these days!

Then we went bowling. In a cool little place where the balls are little balls that don’t have holes in them, & there’s no computer for scoring (must admit, in Michigan I became a habitual bowler, if a very bad one). We had some trouble figuring out the scoring, but once we managed, wow! In our first game we both bowled under 100. In the next two, Jess bowled 150 & 163 respectively! She’s a natural. I told her to join a bowling league. I, on the other hand, remained in the much less impressive 60-80 range.

The bowling shark.

Now I’m home. All I have left to do is 9. play a sport (or do a fun physical activity I can imagine myself doing consistently). Well, when I was at the store today, I picked up a jump rope. I’m going to skip some rope before bed. Don’t tell me that’s not a sport. Bike riding & hiking were suggested options & my third grade self begs to differ.

I’ve also instituted a new fun idea! I’m giving a gold star to my favorite comment each day. Whoever gets the most gold stars by the end of the year will get a present from me! I’m really good at giving presents, & I love doing it. The first two have gone to Jacqueline & Ptolemy. But who knows who will get one next!

There are other fun, participatory ideas that will soon be revealed.

Adam gave me some very useful tips on posture a few posts back. So now I’m making sure to switch my purse carrying shoulder off each day. & consciously lowering my right shoulder whenever possible.

Planning for my busy day & dinner party tomorrow! & so am off to bed. Keep up the good work everyone.

Comments : 18 Comments »
Tags: abundance, accomplishment, activity, Adam, autographs, barrels, bed, Bedazzled, bedrooms, Bella, benefits, bonuses, bowling, Braden, buckets, buildings, business, coffee, commenters, competition, completion, computers, consciousness, contemplation, core exercises, correspondence, difficulty, directives, documentries, Dudley Moore, early rising, easiness, energy, escorts, events, excitement, firemen, friends, fun, games, getting in shape, gold stars, high school, hilarity, incompletion, inevitablity, ingenuity, insurance, intimacy, Jess, jumping rope, kale, ladders, laps, lateness, loveliness, mail, making fun, meals, Michigan, miles, mindless labor, minutes, misfortune, mission accomplished, Mondays, money, mothers, muscles, muster, my reward is in heaven, napping, naturals, Old Town, Paradise Fever, parallels, participation, parties, Peter Cook, platforms, posture, potatoes, presents, Ptolemy, purses, rain, reading, salad, Salinger, scoring, shoulders, showers, smoothies, stalking, stretching, telephone, Thai, the Chancellor, the future, the internet, third grade, tips, transcription, treadmills, upstairs, Vancouver, verboten, video, walking, watermarks, websites, work, World Police & Fire Games, wraps, writing, yearbooks
Categories : Uncategorized

Week 2, Day 3

19 07 2009

Well, I just got back from a party. I think it takes me three days to master a routine. The first day I’m always a mess, but by day three I have enough free time that I’m done everything by 6 & have time to relax.

The party was strange because I wasn’t allowed to drink. Also, I don’t tend to make a good first impression on anarchists. I met some really interesting people, however, & I may have found an excellent new participant (wait & see, maybe she’ll turn up in the future). There was also a cute dog.

(No Bella, I’ll admit.)

Today after a breakfast of trout & (1a) dried apricots (during which I listened to [1b] “The Tennessee Waltz”) I unpacked & alphabetized my bookshelves (made it through O).

Bella & Chance helped.

Then I bought a comic book & a frozen (2a) coca-cola. Making plans on the phone with my friend I said: (1c) “Everything’s getting terrible” and (2c) “I’m doing all right by myself.” Then I went to her house where I made a (3a) peanut butter sandwich. I took a picture with my iPhone & showed her how pretty it was.

Doesn’t it look like a detail from a Vermeer painting? I asked. (3c) “If I could paint, I’d paint that picture.” I ate my sandwich in the elevator. Then, in the car before the party, I (2b) flipped through my comic book.

Now all I have left to do is (3b) pray. I’ll do that before I go to bed. The only thing that’s missing is a nightcap. It is after midnight, but I know that would be cheating.

I’m saving most of my “deep thoughts” for my end of week essay, but I will share an interesting little “deep fact.” Since I’ve started the project, it has infiltrated all my dreams, & at least once a night the week’s participant has appeared, if only peripherally, as a character in my dreams (talking to me on the phone, providing feedback on my execution of tasks, etc.) There’s a particularly peculiar effect this week, as my authors & their characters have appeared consistently too.

I’ll see you all after my day off. Participants should be expecting week assignments/requests soon.

p.s. I’ve figured out how to see when people do that @ me thing on Twitter! So now I will actually be able to respond, I think!

Comments : 9 Comments »
Tags: pictures, Coke, the future, dreams, short stories, trout, food, apricots, strangers, sentences, authors, Bella, essays, A Good Man Is Hard to Find, painting, peanut butter, prayer, The Tennessee Waltz, drinking, parties, mastery, mess, relaxation, strangeness, first impressions, anarchy, participants, waiting, dogs, the Chancellor, alphabetical order, books, bookshelves, comics, telephone, prettiness, Vermeer, elevators, beds, nightcaps, after midnight, deep thoughts, deep facts, dreaming, infiltration, characters, feedback, tasks, days off, @livedby, twitter, response, thinking, discovery, postscript
Categories : Uncategorized

Week 1, Day 3

12 07 2009

Seated in the dining room, or what I like to call the dining room, with my gift bag candle burning & birthday freesia wilting on the table. I suppose I’m halfway through Week 1! The first few days were stressful but by now I’ve hit my stride. I guess I was assigned very little to do today. With the blessing of my mother, I went to Granville Island instead of the West End farmer’s market. We bought some excellent & very cheap pate—after a walk in Stanley Park we made a dinner of that. I’ve never had pheasant! But it’s very good. Since Danny the Champion of the World I’ve always wanted to try it.

Tomorrow’s my day off but TD leaves tomorrow. So I wake at 6:30am to take him to the airport. I also have a birthday beach party to attend. Life is rough! But I’ll need the sun & the party to relax before my next two days at the dentist. I’ve never had a filling before! I’ll get at least four in the next two days after Sunday. I have a genuine terror of the dentist. Do you think if I tell them that they’ll give me laughing gas?

My mother might be pleased to know that the easiest part of her schedule by far is the daily half hour of housework. I don’t even have to think of it! It gets done.

I keep thinking I have a year of this left. The first few days of this week have been surprisingly difficult & my mother’s demands have been so mild—I keep thinking the whole thing feels, charmingly, like an extended version of postcardsfromyomomma—it’s a little scary to imagine what the year before me will feel like, not to mention the drastic changes from week to week. Oddly (or perhaps not oddly?) I’m most worried about the effect this will have on my pets. One woman (whom I’ve never met) wants me to take a vow of silence—admirable, & I’m looking forward to it. But I’ve been thinking of how troubled my dog will be by it.

There are some young guys in a penthouse apartment across the street from me. How did they come by the money? What do they do? I see them on their laptops drinking orange slurpees & wonder.

Not to be indelicate, but I think if you looked up “douchebag” in the dictionary, you’d see the guy in the penthouse above me. For hours this afternoon he polluted the neighborhood with the sound his friends cheering on the very loud play-by-play of the Ultimate Fighting Championship on his outdoor TV.

Looking forward to trying yoga but hear this particular studio is something of a meat market. Groan. I don’t want to see & be seen.

Anyway, I’m not a blogger. What do you guys want to hear about as the weeks go on? If I know where your interest lies, I know what to tell you about.

Forgot to take my calcium pills. I’ll do that now, then complete the final 20 minutes or so of my daily two hour writing block.

See you on the other side!

Comments : 6 Comments »
Tags: airport, blogging, calcium, candles, dentist, dining room, dog walks, douchebags, freesia, Granville Island, housework, laptops, laughing gas, money, noise pollution, party, pate, penthouse, Roald Dahl, silence, slurpees, Stanley Park, Sunday, television, the dog, the future, trouble, Ultimate Fighting, yoga, youth
Categories : Uncategorized

Emily, Lived By: